11th Division: 100 Prompts
by AngelUriel
Summary: 100 short stories. Focused mainly on 11th Division's Kenpachi, Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika. Set any time before, during and after arrancar arc, so some spoilers. Rated for language and violence. Range of genres. Some Crack. Chapter 70 now up!
1. Mother

Characters: Kenpachi Zaraki and Yachiru Kusajishi

Warning: Fluff and some OOC.

Bleach universe (c) Kubo Tite

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**Mother **

It was a rare peaceful night in 11th Division. Yachiru was busy practising her hiragana and making little pictures with them. Outside the rain poured down in sheets and Kenpachi finished some quite overdue paperwork.

"Ne, Ken-chan." Yachiru said quietly, not looking up from her work.

"What?" Kenpachi responded.

"Do you remember your mother?" She asked, her brush pausing in midair. Kenpachi leant back and scratched his chin.

"Which one? I had two." He said.

"Your real mother."

"Ah, not much. I died before I got to remember what she looked like." He shrugged.

"What can you remember?"

"She was warm I think…and soft. I can't really remember much more than that. Why are you askin'?"

"I…I just wanted to know," She replied, some colour flushing into her face, "And your other mother?"

"Ah, Chihiro-San. She took me in after I died, she fed me, clothed me for a short while. I called her mother, she called me 'Boy', but she was killed when I was younger than you. I was on my own from there. Why are ya asking so many questions Yachiru?"

"No reason, Ken-chan." She said brightly and went back to her hiragana which quickly became childish drawings of dogs, swords and clouds. Kenpachi thought nothing of it and went back to his reports. Yachiru took up a new sheet of paper and slowly new pictures formed: A mother held a baby while a child gave her flowers, a father played with the dog and the little boy. Yachiru placed her brush down and stared at the scene in front of her. The previous day, she and Kenpachi had a long awaited day off and they went out to shop in Rukongai.

They had stop outside a food stall and were eating udon soup together when she espied a group of children playing nearby; one of the boys tripped over and grazed his knee badly, he tried very hard to keep the tears in, but they leaked out anyway. Yachiru was beginning to think he was some sort of wimp, when this pretty woman came up to him, called his name and asked him what was wrong. He then showed her his badly grazed knee and she picked him up and comforted him, telling him to be a brave boy. She then led him back to her home, promising him that she'll make it better and a treat for later. The boy then smiled through his tears and said 'I love you, mummy,' and she said 'I love you too, darling."

That struck a chord in Yachiru. She suddenly realised that she had no mother and Ken-chan was far from one. She left her udon and told Ken-chan that she was bored and wanted to go home.

Since then she'd been trying very hard to remember anything about her real mother. It was hard as her first real memory was of Kenpachi, but every now and again she thought she remembered something: the smell of jasmine; a soft cheek; blue cloth and a deep soothing sound. Maybe it was real, maybe it was imagined, but they were the closest things she could get to 'mother'.

She looked at her Ken-chan: his spikes losing their height in the late evening; no eyepatch so the whole place was flooded with his riatsu; his brow knotted with frustration and the fact that he seemed too big for the room. She smiled and admitted to herself the Ken-chan was mother, father, big brother and best friend rolled into one. She plucked a new sheet from the pile and started drawing her own family.

A tall daddy with spikes for hair carried a little pink-haired girl on his shoulders killing what was presumably a hollow (there was too much red ink to be sure), a big sister with feathers stuck to her eyebrows was brushing her hair while the bald big brother grinned, waving his staff about. Little brothers Iba, Renji and Toushirou featured as well. There was Grandfather Yamamoto and also uncles Shunsui, Utitake and Byakuya; all her aunties from the woman's association and her special aunty Unohana (she can make 11th division scared, she is very special). She giggled at her work as the mural spread across several more sheets. She prepared to put her brush down when she decided that her work wasn't complete. On a separate piece of paper she drew a woman in blue, smiling at everyone. She sighed in satisfaction and closed her eyes, thinking of her non-conventional family.

Later, when Kenpachi gave up on his reports, he checked the time and decided it was late. He heaved himself out if his chair and searched for Yachiru and found her sleeping in her inky glory. He shuffled around the pages and picked her up gently, taking off her sandals. He then tiptoed back to her room and tucked her into bed. He then went back into the office and started to pick up the drawings, chuckling at each page as he did so. He studied the unfamiliar blue woman with some interest; he noticed the hiragana in the corner: 'mama'.

"Ah," He realised, placing the picture with the rest of the pile. He slid open a drawer in his desk and placed the pictures in a thick folder named 'Yachiru'. On his way back to his room, he stopped by her door and looked at her sleeping form.

"Goodnight Yachiru, I may not be yer mother or ever will, but I'm as proud of yer as any mother can be." He muttered before closing the door.


	2. Rain

Characters: Yumichika, Ikkaku

This is sort off like Introductions, but of a different sort. I've pretty much got these guys in character, except that Yumichika is not really fussing about his looks. Some swearing.

All recognisable features (C) Kubo Tite**  
**

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**Rain**

Rain splattered down in Rukongai with a gentle but powerful force. Ikkaku cursed, feeling cold droplets sliding down his bald head to the back of his neck. The trees above him did not give him much shelter, and the wind seemed to originate from the ground with the amazing ability to seep through the most protected of places. Ikkaku spied a clump of tight dry bushes beside the path and took the opportunity to wait until the rain stopped.

He sat, cross-legged, staring into the rain, watching puddles rise and drown already dead leaves in the muddy waters. The world seemed colourless, lifeless in the winter dark. Ikkaku scratched his name in the dirt, huffing in annoyance as water dripping from the leaves spattered across his handiwork. The shower subsided and Ikkaku thought he'd be able to get to the next town before night. As he got up, a little colour caught his eye, a patch of yellow fabric hidden behind a clump of tree. His curiosity stimulated, Ikkaku walked over to check it out and found that the yellow fabric was connected to part of a yukata, which in turn clothed a badly beaten body slumped against a tree.

"Poor bastard." Ikkaku muttered, hunching over to check if the body in question was indeed a male. Judging by the face alone, it was impossible to tell the sex. He pushed himself up and prepared to leave, when the body let out an almost inaudible groan, "Holy shit, you're still alive." Ikkaku's mouth fell open. Crouching back down again, he checked the other man's pulse; weak, but still there. He looked at the sky and at the road, wondering whether or not to leave the near-dead man behind. One battered eye opened a little and then closed with a sigh of breath. Ikkaku made his decision and heaved the man over his shoulder.

"Uh." Grunted the man in pain.

"No problem." Ikkaku replied, setting off at a quick pace. After fifteen minutes at this pace, Ikkaku was getting out of breath, the man was heavier than he looked, "You better be worth lugging your heavy arse around, because I'm beginning to regret saving you." He huffed at the now unconscious man.

They reached the town an hour after sunset and the inn's doors glowed warmly in the creeping cold. Ikkaku walked in with the man still on his shoulder, raindrops and sweat mingled on his brow. The innkeeper looked apprehensive.

"I need a room with two beds," Ikkaku stared at the innkeeper, "and bandages, water, sake, needle, thread and food. Now." The innkeeper showed him the room and scurried off for the tall man's requests. Ikkaku laid the injured man on the bed, stripping him down. The injured man whimpered as he regained consciousness.

"Nnngh."

"Shuddap, I got you here and I'm helping you. I can see it hurts, and it will hurt some more until I'm through stitching you up." Ikkaku snapped, trying hard to thread the needle as he received it from the innkeeper. Outside the rain and wind battered the shutters with full force. For both Ikkaku and the injured man, the stitching process was a harrowing ordeal; Ikkaku wasn't very gentle and the man kept squealing in pain, jumping each time the needle stabbed him. Ikkaku, frustrated, gently knocked the man out so he could continue his work in peace.

The injured man slowly woke up, finding himself covered in tight bandages and even though still in pain, a little bit more comfortable. The sun streamed through the open shutters, bringing in a healthy breeze. His filthy, bloodied yukata was gone, presumably thrown out. His saviour was nowhere to be seen, only some food and water beside his futon for him. He felt saddened by the fact he could not say thank you to the bald man.

"Yo, you're awake at last." Ikkaku opened the door with force, looking quite dustier than usual, "thanks to you I had to work here for three days chopping wood and cleaning in order to pay the bill." He shuddered, throwing down some clothes, "Here's some clothes. I hope you're grateful."

"Sir…" the man began croakily, his throat dry with thirst. Ikkaku threw back his head and laughed.

"Sir!" He snorted, "No one has called me that in…in…ever! Ha ha, my name's Madarame Ikkaku. Drink." He forced a cup in the other man's hands. The man seemed surprised through his mask of bruises and cuts and stared at the cup for some time before gulping it down.

"Uh, Ikkaku-san, I'm really…I…thank you." He said, bowing as far as he could in his condition, wincing slightly. Ikkaku shrugged.

"No big deal." He said.

"Is there anyway I can make up to you?"

"Get better…so you can pay me pay later." Ikkaku said with a slightly evil grin on his face.

"Why…why did you save me?" The man asked, his head lowered. Ikkaku shrugged again.

"I was feeling like a nice guy. You got pretty beat up."

"Yeah…I bet I look so ugly right now." The man said sadly. He grabbed the sheets with the thought.

"Yup," Ikkaku nodded, not knowing that in the future his arse would be kicked badly for such a response, "what's your name anyway?"

"Yumichika, Yumichika Asegayawa."

* * *

I think that deep down, 11th division guys are nice, despite all blood thirsty appearances. It's up to you to decide what happened to Yumichika. 


	3. Misfortune

Characters: Older Yachiru, Mystery Person, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, Kenpachi and random cameos.

I quite like the idea of Yachiru getting older and getting into the drinking, fighting, gambling and with her girlish charm. Yachiru is supposed to be around 19 here, so this is wa-ay past the current storyline. Which is probably like 1000 years into the future...would they really still be playing poker then? I guess so, I'm only a beginner, so bare with me if you know how to play :) Thanks for all the reviews!

Bleach (c) Kubo Tite

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**Misfortune**

"Yachiru Fukutaicho." Rangiku Matsumoto chimed, appearing around the door suddenly, smiling happily at the teenager. Yachiru turned and smiled at the older woman.

"I'm off duty now, no need to call me that Rangiku-chan." Yachiru said, shrugging off her lieutenant's badge, "Although, I suppose that's why you're here, isn't it?" She eyed the buxom woman warily.

"Certainly," Matsumoto smiled, "it's not every day that we get days off together." She wore a pretty, though largely informal yukata. The weather was sweltering and around them cicadas shrieked in the afternoon heat.

"Shogun's Palace again?" Yachiru asked, disappearing into her room as Matsumoto waited beside the door.

"Nah, I was thinking The Last Stop, we really don't have much of a reputation there." She replied as Yachiru walked out in sandals and a yukata simular to her friend's.

"You're right…but it's further away. Is anyone coming with us?" She asked as she jotted down a message for Ken-chan that she probably wouldn't be home until later that night. Matsumoto stroked her chin.

"Ikkaku said he's coming; so's Hisagi and Renji. I dunno about Kira and Iba though, they might tag around later." She said. Yachiru nodded.

"Alright! What's for dinner?" She asked as the pair walked out of the building, ready for the rest of the night.

"Teppan-yaki!" she said, swinging her arms in front of her, accentuating the bounce of her bosom.

"Eh? Rangiku, did you get a raise?" Yachiru asked, feeling whether or not she had enough money to pay for herself for dinner. Rangiku nodded. Ah, Yachiru thought, no wonder she's in such a happy mood.

"Don't worry, Yachiru-chan, I'll pay for you. Right, lets go out there and have fun!"

……

The Last Stop was well named, as it was the last stop anyone would ever crawl to. The bar was seedy, there were dirty dealers and sleazy men oozing out of all corners of the room. Matsumoto and Yachiru creating an instant interest across the bar, turning heads and inducing oily smiles. But most of them were put off by the large and formidable men that accompanied them. Matsumoto immediately hit the sake. Yachiru bought her own, out of learning for the hard way that Matsumoto loves getting other people drunk. There was a live band, playing drums and already drunk people were dancing and having a good time.

Yachiru's interest turned into a game of western poker hidden in a corner of the bar. The game had only recently become popular in the gambling circles. Yachiru knew how to play, and play well, because 11th division had most of the gambling circles employed.

"Yo, can I play?" she asked smiling, her rosy cheeks glowing. The men looked up, some looked at her with a look that immediately told her that they were money hungry and looking for fresh meat.

"Sure. You got money?" One of the men said. She nodded, hauling up a chair beside a huge bulking man with 'love' shaved into the back of his head and a man with curtains of long black hair and bandages shielding most of his face.

Boy, did she have something in store for them. Ikkaku walked by carrying sake for his friends, whispered in her ear.

"Play fair. And if there is a fight, leave some of the good ones for me."

"Sure thing, Pachinko." She smirked. For the first few deals, she acted like an amateur, smiling when she got a good hand and betting inappropriately. This gave her and opportunity to see what the other men were up to. They gave her sake and she accepted it, pretending to get more and more drunk, losing half her money. Then after fifteen deals, she became more serious and began to play. Within ten rounds, she managed to get back her money and double her original price. Within another twenty, she had cleaned out two of the people around her, leaving behind three people, including herself and the man with the bandages and the original dealer.

The sake was beginning to warm her up. She could hold in more sake than the average male, but even she had her limits. There was now a small crowd watching the small contingent of players.

"You're pretty good," said the man with the bandages. He had a deep familiar voice, but she couldn't place it.

"Why thank you, I learnt from the best." She said, tipping back other dish of sake between deals. The smile she could see of the man was a small one.

"Who would that be?" He asked, picking up his deal.

"Y'know Takahiro Miyasaka? He taught me everything." She boasted, discarding two cards. God, she thought, the sake must be really getting to me.

"Him? Of 11th division? I cleaned him out last week." He said, discarding three. She blanched; Taka-baka was the ultimate master as far as poker went. Yet, she didn't here of him being cleaned out. She looked at him carefully, he could be bluffing and after all, poker is a bluffing game. A cold eye fixed on her.

He won that hand, and took half her money. She began to sweat: she was either losing her touch, she was too drunk, he was cheating or he really was very good. The next draw he cleaned out the other player except for one last piece. The air was getting tense and finally the sake was beginning to hit. She didn't pace herself out enough, expecting to clean out the others before this.

Just her and the bandaged man left; she looked at what may be her last hand of the night. She had a good hand, which ruled out the idea of quitting. He kept raising her, and she kept raising him. Finally, she saw him and had no money left to her.

"I call." She said. Simultaneously they threw their cards down. She thunked her head down on the table in dismay. The coins slid his way and he pocketed him as the surrounding crowd clapped, impressed by his performance.

"What misfortune, Yachiru Kusajishi-san." He said, standing up and stretching. Yachiru looked up at the bandaged man that seemed so familiar.

"Eh? Who told you my name?" She asked as the hazy curtain of drink began to cloud her eyes. _Damn that sake is strong._

"You told me." He said. She cocked her head to look at the man in the tattered clothes more closely.

CRASH!

A random male crashed on top of the table, discarded cards flying up in the air. The crowd split into two and there was Ikkaku, looking very much like Moses after parting the Red Sea.

"I am NOT BALD!" He roared, leaping on top of the perpetrator. Immediately the entire bar became a battlefield. Yachiru, still sore from losing, leapt herself into the throng of it in an effort to lose the memory of losing so badly. With several professional shinigami in the room, the place was quiet, except for the occasional groan of pain and the huffing of the victors. The innkeeper peered over a table in which he was cowering for safety.

"Who's going to pay for this?" He screamed, pointing at the destruction. In normal circumstances Yachiru would've kept her eyes open, but instead she dropped to the ground.

_Damn_, _the damn sake was drugged_ was the last thing that entered her mind before she passed out.

…….

The next morning, even the sound of the damn wind pissed her off. She looked out of her futon, recollecting her thoughts of the previous evening, the drug painfully throbbing in her temple as it wore off and the bitter sensation of losing her week's pay in two hours sitting in her stomach. She briefly wondered how she managed to get home.

She trudged into the kitchen, her cheeks less rosy than usual. She chugged down a pitcher of water before she realised Kenpachi was in the room, looking slightly more grumpy than usual.

"I see y'had a pleasant evening last night." He muttered, rifling through paperwork. She winced.

"Sorry." She replied.

"Kuchiki-taicho visited you earlier today, but I told him you were fighting."

"Fighting? And what would he want with me?" She asked, slightly confused.

"Yer fightin' a hangover, that's what," He replied, then jerking a finger to the office desk, "he left yer a note and a parcel. Beats me what he wants with ya."

Curious, she looked at the parcel before looking at the note; inside was the amount of money she had lost the night before. Blaching even more, she read the note:

_To Yachiru Kusajishi Fukutaicho_

_Regarding The Last Stop_

_I have your money from last night, I do not need it._

_I enjoyed game last night, but I am surprised that you did not recognise me, so I did not reveal myself. Next time, watch what people put into your drinks; it was the other man beside you after he bought you a drink._

_Yours truly, Byakuya Kuchiki Taicho_

Yachiru looked at the card with the look of utmost contempt. Her eyelid twitched with the verges of typical 11th division murderous rage.

"What?" Kenpachi asked as murderous tendrils of riatsu curled around the room.

"Let's just say I had the misfortune of being duped by a man with the world's best poker face." She muttered, grinding her teeth then hissing out as the drug's aftermath stabbed her temple. It was not a good day.

* * *

I had this idea after my boyfriend pointed out that Bya-bo would be really good at poker becaus of his really good poker-face. And I like the fact that Bya would go out and disguise himself to have some fun. How else would he have been able to meet Hisana? Oh, and I reckon Yachiru would eventually drop most of her nicknames as she got older. I apologise for the really bad spelling.

Oh, and for some trivia: didya know that Byakuya and Shigure from Fruits Basket have the same voice actor? --dies with fangirly happiness---Ah, the love.


	4. Walk

Heh, sorry for the lack of updates, I had exams :D Thanks for all the reviews! _Shameless Self-Pimping:_ I drew one of the scenes of the chapter Misfortune ( go to ) X3 I do fan art as well. This is only a short one.

Bleach (c) Kubo Tite

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**Walk**

Change in Soul Society was slow, and was only noticed as if by accident. If you watched closely, you would see Histugaya Toshiro's shoulders broadening and voice deepening; you would discover another tattoo on Renji's body or a silver strand in Unohana's braid. You would notice when Kira began smiling again and when Nanao would stop frowning at Shunsui.

You would notice when friends from the living world would start working in Soul Society. You would notice when friends fell out or when friends became lovers. You would also notice when friends died, never to be seen again.

Yachiru noticed when her zanpakuto no longer needed Ikkaku's wheels. She noticed when boys began giving her flowers, only to be scared off by Ken-chan. She noticed when Yumichika would take her away to buy clothes and makeup for her. She noticed when she began to understand what 11th division was laughing at and what the topics of Matsumoto's jokes were about. Yachiru noticed when she realised that she was no longer hanging onto Kenpachi's giant shoulders like a shred of pink cloth.

She walked beside him now; she fought beside him and for him. At first it seemed strange to view things from so far down. Everything felt a little bigger than usual and she felt vulnerable without him so close to her. However, she liked the challenge and rose to meet it. Soon it was as natural as before, walking beside him, his presence as close as ever.

"Yachiru, wanna kill some Hollows?" He asked, looking down at her.

"Yup." She smiled, looking up.

Of course, some things never change.

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Yay, onto the next one. 


	5. Confrontations

Sorry for the lack of updates, moving to a country and all takes some time. Warnings: Wild speculations about Kenpachi's Zanpakuto here. Typical Zaraki violence.

Bleach characters (c) Kubo Tite

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**Confrontations**

Thick mist swirled around Kenpachi Zaraki like a fast river, making eddies and swirls as it cut around his massive figure. The hairs on the back of his neck rose as he walked the dark rocky path into the mist. He looked up and saw the night sky through the mists and the rocky cliffs surrounding him.

"Is anyone out there?" He yelled into the pearly darkness. Only the sound of the wind answered sounding very much like a wounded child. He grabbed for his zanpakuto but found nothing but air. He huffed in annoyance; it figured since he was here to look for his zanpakuto.

The captain had asked his third seat about the process of actually talking to the sword. Ikkaku explained it very carefully and had even written it down for him, but things were easier said than done. However, after several weeks and many outbursts of frustration later, he found himself in the misty, dark and rocky world. The only problem was that he couldn't find the zanpakuto in question.

He walked some more, finding himself going around in circles. He was beginning to get frustrated as he could sense someone was watching him, but he couldn't tell from where. He leant against a wall of rock, biting his nails.

"I'm here, you coward!" He yelled again, echoes bouncing all around him, "I've come here to talk! Bastard! Come out now!"

"You have to find me first." The reply echoed back menacingly. Kenpachi tried to follow the sound of the voice, but the echoes nearly made it impossible. He ran blindly through the mist, jumping over rocks and sometimes colliding with hidden walls. He scaled the walls, but found they stretched on endlessly. He roared in anger as the haunting laugh echoed around him.

"Where are you?!" He bellowed, kicking a rock and finding it harder than his toe.

"Right here," The voice said now very near and very clear. Kenpachi looked up and saw a fist hurtling towards his face. He reeled as the blow connected with his face, "That's for all the years you've ignored me, asshole!" Another blow hit the solar plexus, winding him, "That's for all the times you've used me for your battles! And this," a swift kick in the groin brought the shinigami to the ground, "is for coming here for your own selfish reasons! Hypocrite!"

"That was low." He gasped, hugging himself.

"You deserved it. You fight dirty all the time."

"You wanna die-" he looked up, "Oh. You're a woman." A kick to the face sent his head whipping back, sending a bloody banner of blood from his nose.

"You _see?_" She yelled, "You don't even know what sex I am!"

"That's why I came here to find out!" He blocked another attack with his forearm. He took a good look at his sword's spirit. She was tall, almost as tall as him, with burning black eyes framed by long black hair. Her arms, legs, neck and torso were wrapped in bandages when they weren't covered in tight leather, studs, buckles and bones that seemed to be of human origin. She grabbed him by the neck and brought him forward off the ground to her face, staring intently. He swallowed. Hard.

"Che," She huffed and dropped him on the ground, "I can't be bothered with idiots like you." She walked away leaving Kenpachi astonished.

"Wait a goddamn second!" He wiped away the blood dripping from his nose. The woman looked back disinterested.

"Oh, what a scary face you have," she grinned insanely, "you mean business. How about a fight?"

Kenpachi's grin was a mirror image to her own, "I make a point of not hitting girls."

"Perhaps today you might need to make an exception." She replied, cracking her knuckles and shoulders. He shifted his stance bending his knees slightly.

"Seems that way," he raised his fists, "no swords?"

"No swords." She raised her own complete with studded knuckle dusters.

"Y'know, I don't believe in mercy." He said, beginning to circle. The rocks around them began to clear, creating an open arena for them to fight.

"Neither do I." She smirked.

"Should be fun then." He said. She launched into attack the same time as him, their bodies crashing together like two mountains collapsing on each other. Amongst the dust and the flying limbs and fists, it was hard to say who had the upper hand. One could say that Kenpachi was winning, judging by the amount of times he held her in a headlock, hurling her to the ground. However, one could also say she was the dominant force, hurling him through the mists against rock faces at inhumane forces. Yet anyone could agree that they were both tiring.

…Several hours later...

"Give up." She huffed, kicking his stomach. He grabbed her foot and pulled her forwards, elbowing her sternum.

"You give up." He grunted as she recovered, launching herself upwards to head-butt his jaw. This gave him a perfect opportunity to swing out his leg and trip her over. Kenpachi was beginning to ache in places he never thought existed, but there was no ways in hell that he'd lose to a woman. She landed heavily on the sharp rocks, rolling quickly out of the way as his foot came sharply down. She trapped his foot as it landed and sent him hurtling across the stony arena. They both rose shakily, leaning on whatever they could.

"You look like shit." The sword spirit spat some blood and a molar to her right.

"Y'don't look too pretty yerself." He wheezed, trying to move forward. She laughed bleakly, using her own knees as support.

"I was thinkin'…"

"Yeah?"

"…let's have a truce for now…until we get our breath back…" she gasped.

"…Alright." He sighed. They simultaneously collapsed onto the ground. They didn't speak, the only sounds being the dust settling, the wind through the rocks and their own laboured breathing.

"You fight well." She started, rolling on her back.

"I haven't had a fight like that since Ichigo." He sighed somewhat contently.

"I know."

"So…it's true that they say that you're like a part of me."

"Yeah…" She trailed off. Kenpachi could still here her breathing and assumed she wasn't dead. Instead he gazed up through the mist and clouds, "the stars are clear tonight." She murmured.

He grunted noncommittally, "what's yer name?"

There was a hesitant silence, suddenly she heaved herself to the ground and walked to him, stumbling a little over rocks, "I better tell yer, since you made the effort and all t'come here," she knelt next to him; placing her mouth next to his ear she whispered, "my name's…"

* * *

I didn't give the name because that would just be nonsense. However I have the strong speculation that its name is Yachiru, considering that Kenpachi has two Yachiru's in his life (I wonder who the 2nd one is? X3 ) 


	6. Pleasures

Warnings: fluff, OOC and random speculations.

ccpopstar did fanart! Whooo! I'm thrilled (I've yet to see it, but what the heck) Thank you! Thank you! And to people who asked, yes there will be 100 chapters if I ever get around to finishing them.

Bleach (c) Kubo Tite

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**Pleasures**

Everybody had tiny little guilty pleasures. The little pleasures you would only tell your best friends about or hide it from the world, yet they are all seemingly innocent and pure…yet can be the cause of intense embarrassment.

Ikkaku's guilty pleasures include digging his feet into sand; nothing felt more comforting and soothing than digging his tired and sore feet into cool sand, however it was at the wrath of Yumichika that he continued this activity; he didn't want to get his arse kicked the next time he brings sand and dirt in the house. He also loves soap operas. It was really that female, Mizuho Asano's fault, making him watch 'Days of the Bold and the Restless' with her when he was supposed to be on the look out for Arrancar, but he was hooked immediately. He felt disappointed that he couldn't find out what happened after Lisa was killed by her ex-lover, Renaldo (who also happened to be her half-brother) who was after his late step-mother's family fortune only to find his unknown elder sibling already had claims to the fortune. Later he graduated to Korean dramas, for the pure tragedy of them. He damned Soul Society to heck for not having DVD players.

Ikkaku also likes flossing his teeth. He even does it three times a day if he's lucky. Yumichika is amazed, and also slightly disturbed, by this pleasure-taking in oral hygiene.

Yumichika loves loves loves peanut butter. With honey. He would constantly mix the two with a spoon and lick it with such savour; you would think he's doing something much more unwholesome. He also loves making faces in his mirror when no-one's watching; it gives him insane joy watching his face go from hideous to beautiful in a matter of seconds. He'd do it on any shiny surface when no-one is watching.

Yumichika also used to love fireworks, claiming they're the most beautiful things man has created. But that personal pleasure was destroyed by a certain Shiba.

Kenpachi loves cherries. He'll eat them in the shade of the trees during a hot summer, but he's careful not to let them stain his lips. If the blood red juice splatters on his uniform, that's okay, but if people begin to ask whether he's wearing lipstick there'll be hell to pay.

When absolutely no one is around…not even birds or insects…Kenpachi boogies. A quick step there, a moonwalk here and some quick little '70's moves he picked up from TV the last time he was in the living world. He sometimes even hums a little theme song before he abruptly stops, looks around, makes sure he's still a man and walks off, slightly red in the face.

Three people, one bird, two dogs and a cat have witnessed this ordeal. Their bodies have never been found.

Iba loves small animals. He can't help but fall for the small balls of fluff and eyes. He couldn't have been happier when he found out his own captain happened to be a half-fox. He has a small collection of stuffed toys in his wardrobe which nobody knows about, but he has one small favourite, Mr Bun-Bun, which he occasionally leaves out on his futon. If anybody asked him, he'd deny it, saying it's a gift for his younger sister. He'd apologised to Mr Bun-Bun later. Despite this, Iba also loves the beach: babes, sand, sun and watermelon. What more could a man want?

Yachiru's guilty little pleasure is making kites. She makes all sorts of kites from the prettiest silk and bamboo she made with Yumichika to the down-right bizarre: an iron one which failed to fly and the giant flying face of Byakuya. The latter caused widespread mirth in the Sereitei community and the kite was eventually hung up in the 11th Division dining hall. You may think that this wasn't a guilty pleasure as everyone knew she enjoyed making kites, but the real pleasure came from the acquisition of the materials for the kites. Byakuya couldn't find his scarf one morning until he found it trailing as the tail of a particular kite.

Renji loves swings. When on missions alone in the living world, if he ever spied a free swing set, he would run over and swing himself until the next Hollow came.

Bubble-wrap. Renji discovered it when working for Uruhara during his time on the look-out for Arrancar, the store was full of the therapeutic wrapping. Seriously, to him five minutes of popping was worth twenty years of therapy.

Of course 11th Division would never tell anyone about their little pleasures, they'd lose their bad-ass appeal. But being bad-ass was also a secret little pleasure. Ssssh! Don't tell.

* * *

Sorry for the pure crack, tee-hee, makes me giggle though thinking of Kenpachi doing random dance moves when no-ones around. 

:Poke: to those who read and don't comment, please comment!:poke: Or if you have a particular prompt you want me to write, tell me:poke:


	7. Rape

This is a rather unusual prompt that I found and it had been playing on my mind for a while, but I found a solution. It's bitter, there's no amusing stories with this prompt.

btw, I'm sorry for the long delay, but I had some issues to sort out, and no internet connection to upload..

* * *

**Rape**

"What's rape?" She had asked one day long ago. He didn't know how to explain it to her so he shrugged and said he'll ask someone else later. Later never came and she still didn't know until it was her turn to do executions.

Semi-major executions in Soul Society were usually the jobs of vice-lieutenants and third seats and almost all executions were performed by the Cursed Sword, rather than up on the execution hill. At first, the Gotei Thirteen were against allowing Yachiru to perform the executions, but rules were rules and they had to be performed regardless of age. Several years passed until the rosters brought her name up and the paperwork began to flow in.

"There's a few murderers," Yachiru muttered, flipping through pages, "why these people? Why not the ones we know of who have killed people?"

"These people killed in the 20th districts and up, even in Seireitei. They don't like killin' 'round here." He said, looking over his own paperwork.

"Ken-chan, I wanna go out and play."

"Do yer paperwork, I'm doing mine."

"Fine," she grumped, flicking up a sheet, "Daisuke Marasaki," she read aloud, pointing at every letter and kanji slowly, "to be executed tomorrow; found guilty of seventeen cases of murder and…what's this word Ken-chan?"

"It's…it's 'rape', Yachiru." He said.

"Oh, okay…hey, what does 'rape' mean?" she asked, innocently looking up at him. He sighed; she had been given several different stories on sex and where babies came from. She asked not for her knowledge, but for her own slightly sadistic glee as people fumbled for stories and explanations. She got more then she bargained for when she asked Matsumoto, but that was another story.

"You know what sex is, right?" He said, sitting down to explain.

"Yup." She nodded

"Well, rape is when a man has sex with a woman when she doesn't want to." He explained in a lowered voice.

"Oh, okay." She said. She looked back down at the execution sheet, frowning slightly. Kenpachi waited a few minutes before going back to his own boring papers. Yachiru broke the silence, "Ken-chan, I'm a little scared."

"Why're ya scared? There's nothing to be scared about." He said.

"Well, this will be my first time killing someone." She admitted.

"You've killed before."

"No, I haven't. You've always killed the baddies for me."

"Really?" He asked, surprised.

"Yeah. I've never done, though I've seen it heaps."

"Don't worry, you'll do it tomorrow."

"Yeah…" She looked down.

The day was overcast and expecting rain; a crowd had gathered around the execution ground including many high ranked shinigami. Kenpachi, Yumichika and Ikkaku stood together with grim faces. Unohana placed herself next to Kenpachi.

"Unohana-taicho." He aknowleged.

"Zaraki-taicho," she nodded, silent for a moment, "is she alright?" she asked, motioning at Yachiru. Yachiru seemed smaller with the big cursed sword in her hand, her face covered in a white cloth. Around them, people whispered about the small figure out there, most of outrage that such a young girl would perform an execution.

"She's nervous," He shrugged slightly, "and scared."

"I bet." She nodded. The condemned man was brought out into the ground, the whole crowd booing and shouting abuse. He was haggard and smelled of insanity, some foam coated the corners of his mouth. He leaned forward in his chains like an eager dog, chuckling madly. Another man read out a scroll of crimes the man had committed, the sentence being a tragic and tortured life in the living world.

In a split second, the man broke from one of his restraints and launched himself at Yachiru. She stood her ground, not flinching a muscle. Kenpachi squinted as the man said something to her before being brought under control again. He could tell it shocked her.

The execution itself was short and neat in Kenpachi's eyes and he was anxious to get Yachiru back near him. She came up to him, taking off her slightly splattered mask and jumping up on his back. Her normally bright cheeks were pale now.

"Good work, Yachiru." He said as they went back to 11th Division. She nodded into his neck. It wasn't until they were back in their room when Yachiru began to cry uncontrollably.

"Yachiru…"

"I understand now!" She sobbed, "I understand what it means now…he said-he said to me, 'I can taste your innocence, can I eat it?' and I felt his riatsu _everywhere,_ all over me. I never felt so sick." And she wept into her hakama. Kenpachi picked her up and held her like when she was a baby and let her cry, bitterly knowing that that man did take a bite out of her innocence whether she knew it or not. He knew that her eyes would be more open now to the evils that haunted in every man. She was growing up.

"Y'alright now?" he asked as the crying stopped. She emerged, red-eyed and pale, "Ya look like shit. You better clean up or Yumichika won't give you any candy."

"Candy?" She brightened.

"Yes, candy. Your favourite. Now scram, Yumichika doesn't like to be kept waiting." She smiled and bounded off. He sighed, she still was a kid. Candy still fixes everything. Well, almost.

* * *

I'll try to get some funny ones in, ne? 


	8. Annoyance

A short little drabble, but much more light hearted than the last one. A bit OOC, but funny none-the-less.

Sorry, don't own Bleach.

* * *

**Annoyance**

The clocked ticked slowly, the loudest noise in the almost silent room. Byakuya Kuchiki sat at his desk, calmly writing out paperwork. He was aware of another person's soft breathing and the faint smell of candy. Too aware. He ground up some more ink on his inkstone and dipped his brush to resume his work.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the small child at the end of his desk sway from side to side, gazing off into the distance. He brought his eyes back down to his work. Yachiru stopped swaying and instead began to swing her legs, slightly kicking the edge of the desk in time with the clock. A muscle in Byakuya's eye twitched.

"Do you mind?" He asked none too politely.

"Nup, not at all." Yachiru responded cheerfully. He let out the faintest of sighs and continued his work. Yachiru lay down on the desk and watched his every brushstroke with a smile on her face and head in her hands. She waved her legs in the air, clicking her sandals against the soles of her feet.

Tick.

Tick.

Byakuya looked up at the clock. Two minutes to go.

Tick.

Tick.

Yachiru was now looking up at his face, her head following the movements of his hair and eyes, the same smile plastered on her face. Byakuya could feel his face getting hot.

Tick.

Tick.

Ding!

The clock chimed and Byakuya set down his brush and got up quicker than he had ever remembered in an office. To his dismay the little fukutaicho was following him, copying his walk. As he upped the pace, so did she. And she did this all with a mischievous grin on her face. He took four right turns and still she followed. Damn she was persistant.

He was beginning to wonder if he should use Senbonzakura on her and immediately dismissed the idea. He didn't really want to face Zaraki, even though he was clearly the stronger. He moved outside, thinking of a way to lose her.

"Look over there!" He gasped and pointed behind her. As she turned to look, he Shunpo'ed out of sight. He reached the shade of an ash tree far from the complex, chuckling quietly to himself. He was free.

"I can't believe she fell for that." He smiled.

"Fell for what?" Yachiru asked appearing beside him. He used all his self control to stop himself from looking dismayed.

"You're quick, Kusajishi-fukutaicho." He said shortly.

"I know." She smiled up at him. She received a cold stare back.

"What do you _want_?" His voice was on the verge of growling.

"You have candy on you," She smiled, "I smelt it this morning when Ken-chan got out of the Captain's meeting." He gaped, _she smelt _my _candy on _him?!

"You should have just asked me."

"You wouldn't have given it to me."

"I shall be talking to your superior."

"I shall be sitting on the edge of your bed, singing songs." She chimed.

"I'll use your body as target practice." He threatened.

"I'll tell everyone you hate spiders; I heard the screams." She chuckled evilly. Byakuya tightened his lips; he was close to losing his self control and start arguing with this kid. But she did have a point.

"Take the damn candy." He shoved a large bag of boiled sweets at her, warm from being in his inner pocket.

"It's been a pleasure blackmailing you." She left so quickly that only her chuckle was left hanging in the air. Byakuya walked back to the complex, kicking a stone in frustration.

Meanwhile, Yachiru found Kenpachi out in the yard doing exercises with the rest of the squad. She jumped and sat on his back when he was in mid push-up.

"1056 – Yo, Yachiru – 1057." He grunted not noticing the extra weight.

"Yo." She said with a mouth full of sweets.

"1058, where'dja get those? 1059."

"I annoyed the heck of Byakuya-taicho today. Much fun. Want one?"

* * *

I suppose Yachiru has the smallest of crushes on Byakuya, but I'm just wildly specualting. This is the world of fanfic after all. 


	9. Pen and Paper

Wow! What am I doing?! I've updated quicker than any other fanfic I've done! Be blessed! Hohoho, I guess I'm making up for lost time. This chapter is once again wild speculation, but it's based on many drunken conversations I've had with people (and remembered!) Thanks to the people who've commented thus far, cookies and kudos to you all!

Oh, and this happens to be my most favourite crack!pairing of all time. I mean, I don't think Kubo Tite has actually written them speaking to each other. P.S. a Nomiya is a Japanese sake house.

* * *

**Pen and Paper**

"I think Taicho needs a girlfriend." Yumichika announced at the nomiya one night to a bewildered audience of Ikkaku, Iba, Renji and Kira. Ikkaku snorted on his sake.

"What the hell, Yumichika? Here we are talking innocently about breasts and women and now you come up with this shit." He coughed.

"What makes you think he needs a girlfriend?" Kira asked, patting Ikkaku on the back. Yumichika shrugged prettily.

"It's just that, we've known Zaraki-taicho since before he was taicho; I don't think I've ever seen him in the company of a woman besides Yachiru." He explained.

"I have." Ikkaku grunted quietly into his cup.

"Really when?" Yumichika gaped. The three others leaned in, interested. Ikkaku flushed slightly pink.

"Well, you weren't there, you were out getting food at the time; but I remember we were hangin' around 57 District East. Zaraki hands Yachiru over to me, telling me not to lose sight of her. He walks off not explainin' where he was goin'. Sure enough, two minutes later Yachiru skips out on me and I'm left to find the brat. I start running and take a wrong turn into the red-light district. I see Zaraki 'shopping' and purchasing there. Shit, my heart jumped two metres out of my body when I saw him. I went out of there real quick, 'cos I didn't want him to catch me there. I found Yachiru really quick after that." He explained, his head getting oddly red.

"What was the prostitute like? Was she reasonably decent?" Yumichika asked.

"Look, I dunno, like I said, I got out of there really quick cos I got images in my head that's scarred me for life." He shuddered.

"Don't make me think of that you sick pervert," Yumichika shuddered, "Well, that settles it. Where's some pen and paper?" He asked. Iba rummaged around his hakama to bring out some crumpled paper. Kira produced a pen from somewhere deep inside his pockets.

"What are you doing?" Renji asked as Yumichika flattened out the paper and tested the pen.

"Finding taicho the most suitable match in The Court of Pure Souls. I need boundries for searching." He said.

"No men." Iba said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Good idea; what else?" Yumichika agreed.

"Strong. Nothing under 4th seat." Ikkaku nodded.

"That's a very small selection to choose from." Kira commented as Yumichika wrote names down.

"Right, I've got names, now all we've got to do is eliminate them."

"I hope you didn't write down Yachiru's name." Ikkaku growled. Yumichika looked offended.

"Of course not, you dunce. I may be beautiful, but I'm not stupid."

"Shut yer trap. Fine, generous sized breasts. Number. One. Thing." He insisted. Renji looked at him slyly.

"How'd you know that he likes big tits?" He asked, the corner's of his eyes crinkling. Ikkaku's red face gave it all away.

"You _saw_ the prostitute didn't you?" Iba chuckled. Ikkaku huffed.

"Fine, I had a single look at the damn girl. If there's _one_ thing I remember about it was that she had a very decent chest." He admitted. Kira whistled low in amazement.

"Interesting, I never thought that Zaraki was a boob person. I always thought he was a leg person." Yumichika frowned into the distance. It was the second time that night Ikkaku choked on his sake.

"You've actually considered this?!" He gasped and spluttered, earning him another pat on the back from Kira.

"Ya know, it makes sense." Iba scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"What makes sense?" Renji asked.

"Well, it's a hand-to-breast ratio isn't it? Because you need to grab at least the maximum amount of breast that can fit in your hand; which means that the bigger you hands are, the bigger the breasts you need. Zaraki-taicho has big hands. I have big hands. It makes sense." He explained. Everyone simultaneously pulled out their hands to have a look.

"I think Iba's right." Ikkaku said.

"Yeah," replied Renji, "Hey Kira, I think you're gay." Kira gulped and thrust his hands into his armpits.

"I am not gay! I-I just have small hands." He insisted. Renji laughed.

"I have nice small hands." Yumichika admired.

"So you're gay! I knew it!" Ikkaku laughed and pointed.

"Just because I have small and beautifully carved hands doesn't mean I'm gay." Yumichika frowned, "Stop changing the damn topic."

"You're not denying the statement." He grinned quietly.

"So that rules out Hinamori; Kiyone; Sui Fong and Nanao," he ignored Ikkaku, "So, what can we limit down to the finalists?"

"Not too tall." Iba muttered.

"Cross out Isane." Yumichika scratched.

"Not taken." Renji added.

"Matsumoto is out."

"Why's that? I thought she'd be perfect." Kira asked.

"Gin has her; it's obvious." Yumichika stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh." Kira uttered.

"Okay, we're down to two."

"Cross out Nemu, there's no _way_ that Kenpachi would date Mayuri's daughter." Ikkaku insisted.

"Agreed," Yumichika made a slashing movement across the page, "We have one name left: Unohana Retsu." He announced proudly. The table burst out laughing.

"Can you imagine Zaraki dating Unohana?" Renji roared with chuckles.

"The scandal! 11th Division dating 4th division! It would be downright outrageous!" Yumichika cried, tears streaming down his face. It was some time before the laughter died down, with flare-ups occurring occasionally.

"Actually, it wouldn't be such a bad pairing." Kira wiped away a tear as the laughter died down.

"Haha-ow-haha, my sides hurt. What makes you say that, Kira?" Renji asked, massaging his torso.

"Think about it; Zaraki-taicho goes out and hurts people, Unohana-taicho heals them. It's a symbiotic relationship."

"Hey, speak Japanese. What does symbiotic mean?" Ikkaku asked, pouring another dish of sake for everyone.

"You know, made for each other." Kira explained, taking up his dish of sake.

"Ya know, that makes as much sense as Iba's hand-boob-ratio thingie." Renji agreed.

"It'll never happen. Real life doesn't work like that." Yumichika dismissed, peacefully drinking his sake. He felt a flare of riatsu. His eyes flew open.

"Is that…Zaraki-taicho?" Iba asked, feeling the raitsu. Ikkaku nodded.

"Do ya think he heard us?" Renji asked nervously. Yumichika shook his head.

"It seems he's trying to conceal his presence…it's not working very well. He's here." He said. The door to the entrance slid open and everyone at the table turned to see who came in.

"Z-Zaraki-t-taicho." Ikkaku stuttered.

"Unohana-taicho." Kira gaped. Kenpachi and Unohana entered the room, both of them out of shinigami uniform and into some good looking yukatas. Kenpachi turned to the host of the nomiya and asked for the table. As he turned, he saw his squad members, ex-squad members and friends of squad members looking rather petrified. For the first time in a while, Kenpachi was alarmed.

_Fuck off!_ He mouthed to them forcibly. At the table, they saluted and slunk off the table and quickly exited the back door. As they reached outside, they ran. Fast.

"Kenpachi-kun, weren't they your subordinates?" Unohana asked as they sat down. Kenpachi looked uncomfortable.

"Uh. Yeah. Don't worry Retsu-chan, they won't tell anyone about us." _Otherwise they'll learn the meaning of Death By Giant Cheesegrater Bankai.  
_

* * *

_ Death By Giant Cheesegrater!!!_

Seriously, kitchen tools are the worst torture instuments. Check out your kitchen and use your imagination.

Kenpachi-kun! lol._  
_


	10. Sick

Waah! Long one this time around. UnohanaxKenpachi as well. This was a request for Ahunmaster, an anon user, I was up for more serious fics. This fic if it was in a timeline, it would've been placed before the previous fic "Pen and Paper". There's a few OOC moments, mainly because Yachiru is older and (once again) I'm making wild speculations on how Kenpachi grieves. (He does despair, we know that much)

* * *

**Sick**

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-tishu!"

"Bless you, Yachiru." Yumichika said, pulling a handkerchief out of his shirt and handing it over to the teen.

"Thanks – Ah…Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-tiSHU!" she sneezed into the pretty piece of cloth. She sniffed wetly.

"Are you alright? You sound disgusting…and look even worse." He remarked bluntly. They were sparring together in the training grounds on a bleak winter's day. She was quite pale and her nose was quite red from wiping it.

"I feel like arse, but I'm fine." She said nasally, hooking her zanpakuto underneath her armpit so she could use both hands to blow her nose.

"Don't take your hands off the sword!" Yumichika snapped, launching an attack at her. She rolled out of the way and he passed her.

"Give me a break will ya? I've been holding the snot for three hours now," she coughed, holding the handkerchief out at arms length, "here, it's yours. Take it."

"Keep it." He backed away from the soiled cloth. She shrugged, tucking it inside her own shirt.

"I'm a little worried, you don't often get sick. Besides, I don't want to catch what you've got; let's call it a day." Yumichika suggested. She shook her pink head.

"Hell no, I've yet to rub dirt in your hair, Fruity-San," She grinned as he rolled his eyes, "Don't take your eyes off me!" she yelled, taking the opportunity as she saw fit.

……….

A few hours later, she entered the mess room with a triumphant face and vicious cough.

"Where the heck did ya catch _that_?" Kenpachi asked her as she took her seat.

"Oh, so don't even ask me if I won or not." She pouted.

"I can read it all over yer face…Yumichika's probably washing up, isn't he?" He said, chomping down ramen.

"Yeah, I beat him pretty- cough-cough-cough- good -cough." She spluttered away from the table. Kenpachi quirked an eyebrow.

"That sounds nasty." He said.

"I'm fine, really." She insisted with overly bright eyes. Ikkaku, sitting next to her placed a cool hand over her forehead. He frowned immediately.

"Wow, that's a really bad temperature. You're _really_ sick, maybe you should go see someone about that." He suggested. She forcibly shook her head.

"Hell no – ah…ah…WAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahtiSHU!" she sneezed into her soup, sending the contents spilling all over herself and the table. She lifted her wet head from the bowl, "cough-cough, maybe I should."

………

The inside of Yachiru's throat resembled a burning red cave, Unohana remarked to herself as she checked her patient.

"The influenza is quite advanced at the moment, and it's quite a wonder you're still standing, Yachiru-chan. You must've been ill for a few days now."

"Yeah, well, I never thought anything of it. Illness shouldn't get in the way of training, Unohana-nee-san." She responded nasally.

"I think we'll keep you under observation for a few days, just so nothing bad happens." She said kindly to her.

"A few days?! Can't you just cure it?" Yachiru gaped. Unohana smiled apologetically.

"It's not as simple as that, the 'flu virus constantly mutates, as soon as we find a cure for one strain it finds new ways to attack the body," she explained carefully.

Yachiru looked at her blankly, "huh?" Unohana sighed, groping for a better analogy.

"The flu is like Kurosaki Ichigo - we can't defeat it. It keeps getting better." She waited for the analogy to sink in.

"Shoot. I have a frigging Icchy bug in me," Yachiru mourned, "Lock me up quickly before I go Hollow." She hung her head, defeated. She sneezed again.

………

Quarantine sucked. Yachiru reached that conclusion pretty quickly. There was absolutely nothing to do, not even reading materials or lower 4th division members to pick on. Unohana had given specific orders to sleep and rest, but she had never felt so sleepless and restless and generally overall _bad_. Not even Ken-chan could visit until she had got past the infectious stage.

Unohana had taken swabs and tests, taking the results to 12th Division for better analysis. She had a hunch it might be a new virus strain, but the 4th Division captain had to wait for the outcome.

"Are you alright, Yachiru-fukutaicho?" Unohana asked through the sealed doorway, smiling at the irate teen through her 'flu mask. She held a tray of soup and small boiled sweets.

"I'm fine, bored though. Damn, there isn't even a clock to watch the second hand go around." Yachiru complained as Unohana walked through and placed the tray on the bedside table.

"I thought you'd be resting." She replied, straightening up.

"I _am_ resting. This is the most rest I've had in _years_. Is there at least manga to read? Any manga. It can even be shoujo; I'm desperate enough –cough-cough-cough-" She started to cough. The coughing was the worst, every time it felt like her lungs were tearing themselves apart. But something wasn't right this time around; she couldn't stop the heaving spasms in her chest. Tears clouded her eyes as she struggled to take one full breath in. She gasped and spluttered, realising she was in big trouble. She wasn't surprised (but incredibly concerned) when she tasted the oily copper of blood. She couldn't see, her eyes were going dark…

………

"WHERE IS SHE?!" Kenpachi roared down the corridor, shoving the 4th Division members out of his way as they tried to stop him proceeding, "Why won't you fucking jerks ANSWER ME?!" He yelled at the stuttering seated officers. His hand reached for his zanpakuto.

"ZARAKI-TAICHO!" A voice yelled out over the commotion, "Don't you _dare_ touch that sword." Unohana stood in the hallway, emanating a thick menacing riastu of her own. Kenpachi looked at the woman with one savage eye, his own riastu boiling over so that many lower ranked personal faint in his bloodlust. He let his hand drop from his sword. Fighting would not help Yachiru right then.

"Where is she?" It was more of a demand than a question. Unohana continued to stare the much larger and much stronger captain down. Fourth division had never seen their captain so angry before or Kenpachi so enraged. They vacated the area quickly, soon the only people left visible were the two captains.

"You must never use a zanpakuto in here; that has always been the rule. If I see you even harming one hair of a person within these walls, I _will_ stop you." She warned with a deadly voice.

Kenpachi was silent for a few seconds, "Che, fine. Just, show me where Yachiru is." He asked. Unohana stared at him for a few seconds, and then turned on her heel.

"Follow me." She said shortly. He followed her deep inside the building and into the intensive care wards. Yachiru was shielded by a plastic quarantine cage around the bed. Her body was hidden by wires, tubes and machines, her laboured breathing assisted by a respirator. Kenpachi pressed his forehead against the cool hard plastic, his breath fogging it slightly.

"Sorry Yachiru, I tried to get here as quick as I could; but I got lost." He sounded hollow. He stood there for a few minutes, "Unohana…will she die?" He asked.

"She's in a critical condition, she can go either way." She responded in the appropriate fashion. He nodded. She felt his desire to be alone and left the room. She came back a few hours later to check on the two. She found Kenpachi sitting down, leaning against the wall beside Yachiru. Unohana opened the cage and checked the instruments and made sure all needles and drips were in place. She exited the cage and left without a word, only to come back with tea and blankets.

Kenpachi looked up before looking away, "I don't need it."

"A blanket is better than leaning against a cold hard wall, and tea is the best thing when you have company." She replied making a seat near him, pulling a blanket over her lap. She smiled serenely as she poured a cup of green tea for him. He frowned at the tea, but accepted it anyway, if at least to have something warm in his hands.

"…Thanks…" He said hesitantly.

"Don't mention it," She sipped her tea, "The results came back from Yachiru's virus. It's an unusual virus, but it's good we got her into observation on time." She informed him.

"What are her chances?" He asked bluntly.

"Of survival? 50 percent. 100 percent if she can get through this night." She admitted. He hung his head.

"That's good odds. She'll definitely get through this one." He said, but didn't sound convinced. Unohana smiled sadly. Nearly an hour had passed until he spoke again, "Ya don't have to stay here."

"I do, mostly because I want to. Yachiru has been my friend for many years; we've had good laughs together and we've also shed a few tears together. I want to see her through this almost as much as you do."

"You don't know Yachiru." He responded somewhat angrily. Her calm attitude towards his temper seemed to cancel out its effect.

"I do, but not the Yachiru you know." She said coolly. Kenpachi turned away, waiting for the wave of frustration to abate. He regretted getting angry at her.

"I'm sorry…I just feel…weak. I can't do anythin' to help her, no matter how strong I am. This may be the last time I see her alive, and I haven't even told her what I've been meanin' to tell her for years; about me, about my life, everything." He sighed, massaging his forehead with one hand, "Dunno why I'm telling you all this crap."

"Why haven't you told her?"

"I've always been waitin' for her t'be old enough," He watched the bed, Yachiru's chest rising and falling gently; "I suppose she's been old enough for some time. I didn't see it."

"Yachiru grew up without us looking. Time goes so slowly here that we don't even notice the small changes." Unohana said, placing the empty teacup next to the teapot.

"I always remember her as little brat; eating candy and junk, always skippin' out on work to go play somewhere, callin' everyone by ridiculous nicknames and beating the heck out of anyone who came close to criticisin' her…" he paused, " she still does that now, shit, no wonder I didn' notice," He laughed flatly under his breath, "I'll miss her."

"Zaraki-san, she's not dead yet. Don't assume anything until it's over." Unohana looked at him with some shock in her eyes.

"Oh yeah…" he trailed off. He decided not to make any more conversation, instead folding his arms and making himself comfortable against the wall. It was several hours later and an hour before dawn when Unohana heard a shimmering of bells. She turned to find Zaraki's head slumped against his chest, asleep. She got up off the ground and draped two blankets around him, making sure he was warm. She regarded his face, now peaceful; his face muscles had relaxed and his usual scowl was softened. On impulse, she kissed his forehead then jumped away, flushing.

"My, that was unprofessional of me." He half muttered, half giggled to herself.

"…Yachi…ru…" Kenpachi called out in his sleep. Unohana noted that the call didn't sound like it was for the person currently lying ill in her intensive care ward. A call from the past, maybe. She turned on one heel and went to check on her patient.

………

Kenpachi jumped awake to the midmorning sun. It took him a few seconds to remember why he was there. He pushed the blankets off him and ran over to Yachiru's empty bed.

"Yachiru…" He choked, sinking to his knees.

She was gone.

He had slept through it all.

He didn't even get to say goodbye.

"Yachiru is fine." Unohana said, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. He twitched, breathing raggedy breaths.

"…What?"

"She improved dramatically overnight and we've put her in a ward to recover just a few minutes ago. I came in here to wake you up, but saw you like this; I'm sorry…Zaraki-taicho? It's ok, shhhh…she's fine now. Don't cry…"

………

Yachiru was beginning to feel disorientated, uncertain where she was or where he limbs were. She heard voices and she blearily opened her eyes.

"D-Did Yumichika ejaculate in here or sumtin'? It's gosh darn colourful." She opened her mouth, not realising what she was saying. As she focused properly, the mass of bright colours and shades became bouquets of flowers and four shinigami.

"I see you're back to your good ol' self, Yachiru." Ikkaku grinned, sliding a glance at the scandalised Yumichika.

"'S good to see ya again." Kenpachi smiled. Yachiru smiled back.

"How are you feeling?" Unohana asked as Yachiru flexed her hands.

"Like shit, but fine otherwise. What the heck is with all the flowers?" She asked weakly.

"You have a few admirers." Unohana replied. Ikkaku swiped a card from the nearest bouquet.

"'Dear Yachiru, please get well soon, I hope we can drink together soon, Luv Rangiku,'" He read, and then laughed, "Ha! She's got a picture in here of the last time you guys were out. I like the hat, Yachiru." She scowled at him.

"'Dear Yachiru, I heard you weren't feeling well. I do hope that the flowers cheer you up, wishing you the greatest of health; yours sincerely Kuchiki Byakuya.' Seriously, that's almost too many flowers." Yumichika read, glancing up at the large pillar of pink and white roses.

"Urgh, don't read all of them…my brain hurts already. Ken-chan? Why are you smiling like that?" She asked as Unohana propped her up higher on the bed.

"Dunno, I guess I'm just happy." He smiled.

* * *

Phew, loooong chapter. Took me a few days. I sneeze like that.

I was having a look at the 'language of flowers', an old Victorian passtime, and discovered that pink roses can mean 'secret love' and white means 'innocence' or 'death preferable over loss of innocence' So what Byakuya giving a whole pillar of them? Tut tut Bya-bochama. Not to mention it's winter, flowers are out of season!

Ah! Yachiru doesn't know what's she's saying! Don't kill her Yumi!


	11. Safety First

OK, I think you guys might know by now that my mind is warped, terminally so. Bear with me as I take you through another weird and wacky adventure. Characters: Yachiru and Shinigami Women's Association. Place in timeline: A few years before Rukia goes to shinigami academy. This is for the reviewer who asked, what was that "other story" mentioned in _Rape_. I guess this would be an 'M' for sexual terms, but it's not actually explicit, just detailed.

* * *

**Safety First**

"Ne, Matsumoto-chan, what's sex?" Yachiru asked as innocently as possible. The questionee uncomfortably gulped down a large mouthful of hot tea as did most of the other members of the Woman's Association. Nanao, however, simply choked on hers.

"Why, that's when a man and a woman make love." Matsumoto said as smoothly as possible, wishing Unohana or Isane were there to explain things further and in better detail.

"But Ken-chan and I love each other, what part of that is the 'sex' bit?" She asked again. Matsumoto winced.

"Uh, Yachiru-fukutaicho, it's not that sort of love." Nanao blushed.

"Then what sort of love is it?" Yachiru turned to Nanao.

"Well…um, it's a love between a man and a woman – who aren't related – that love each other…in a different way." She stuttered.

"But what's different?"

"In order to have vaginal sex, the male must be aroused and his penis to be fully erect. The erect penis is put into the vagina and is stimulated to ejaculation, which in itself starts the reproduction cycle." Nemu put it as simply as possible. Yachiru looked at Nemu as blankly as Nemu looked at her.

"But what does that mean?" She cried. Nanao pushed up her glasses. She got up from her seat and flung open a closet, from that she produced a rather ancient looking blackboard. She pulled out a piece of chalk and started to draw.

"This is a woman…and this is a man." Nanao sketched the two naked figures.

"Make it longer!" Matsumoto called. Kiyone giggled as Nanao flushed. Yachiru sat with her head in her hands, looking confused.

"I knew the difference, what's your point?" She said.

"Well, as Nemu-fukutaicho put it, the man's penis needs to be erect to start having sex," she drew an erect penis, "like this." She pushed up her glasses again as sweat started to make them slide down her nose.

"That doesn't look like an erect penis, it looks like a balloon!" Matsumoto criticised.

"Well, come up here if you think you can do better." Nanao pursed her lips and offered the piece of chalk. Matsumoto moved from her seat and looked busy for a few seconds.

"It looks like a mushroom." Soi Fong muttered from the back of the room.

"Agreed." Nanao folded her arms accusingly. Matsumoto glared at her.

"Well, if anyone can draw a decent looking penis, come up here and do it." She offered the stick of chalk like the last unwanted cigarette. To her surprise, Nemu took the chalk. She drew surprisingly quickly and accurately, her finished result made the entire room, except for Nemu herself, blush uncomfortably.

"Both of your drawings were anatomically incorrect." She said placidly to Nanao and Matsumoto.

"Uh, thank you, Nemu-fukutaicho…So, Yachiru-fukutaicho, the erect penis must enter the woman's vagina- Nemu, we need your artistic abilities please." Nanao explained while Nemu found space for another drawing. Yachiru looked sideways at the cross-sectional drawing.

"Huh?" She uttered, not quite understanding. Matsumoto rolled her eyes.

"Oi, Yachiru, look," Matsumoto held up her zanpakuto's hilt in one hand, and her other hand making a circle, "Penis," she indicated to the hilt, "Vagina" she shook her other hand. She gently thrust the hilt through the circle made by her hands and repeated rhythmically.

"Ooooh." Yachiru realised, and then thought for a bit.

"Matsumoto-san, I think you can stop doing it now." Nanao hissed at the buxom woman. Matsumoto lowered the hilt, her face becoming coloured.

"So when does sex stop?" Yachiru came out of her thoughts.

"Ah, that's easy; when the man comes-" Matsumoto started.

"Orgasms." Nanao corrected.

"Ejaculates." Nemu recorrected.

"Huh?"

"Well, when a man does comes, white fluid called sprog-"

"Sperm."

"Semen."

"Will you two let me finish?" Matsumoto gasped, exasperated, "Anyway…when _semen_ is _ejaculated_ from a man's _penis_, sex pretty much stops. Got it?"

"Yeah…but it sounds so boring, so why do people do it?" Yachiru sighed, processing the information.

"Cos it feels good, especially to men. Men can't stop thinking about sex; every man thinks about sex. Sex sex sex. If men don't have any sex for some time, they get really weird and antsy." Matsumoto rambled.

"Perverts are people who can't stop thinking about sex." Kiyone added.

"I've heard of perverts, are there many in Sereitei?" Yachiru asked. Nearly every head turned towards Nanao.

"Why is everyone looking at me?" She stuttered, "You can't be thinking of my captain?"

"Well, he certainly seems the type." Soi Fong leaned on her arms.

"He's a womaniser, not a pervert." She said crossly.

"Is there much of a difference?" Matsumoto asked. Nanao nodded her head fervently.

"Anyway, every man has a pervert inside." Nanao proclaimed.

"I can agree on that." Soi Fong said.

"Even Ken-chan?" Yachiru asked, her eyes wobbling with tears.

"Yes, even him." Nanao nodded matter-of-factly. Matsumoto nudged her harshly.

"Nanao…don't destroy her image of him." She hissed.

"Sorry." She peered at Yachiru, looking positively traumatised.

"Well!" Matsumoto said with a slap of her hands and a bounce of her boobs, "Now, since we've dealt with the major stuff, let's get down to the small stuff. Yachiru, do you know anything about protection?"

"…No."

"Well, let me show you the most important thing when it comes to sex: The Condom!" She pulled one out from the inside of her hakama, "once a man puts this on, you won't have to worry about pregnancy and STIs!"

"Wait, you can get pregnant through having sex?"

"Well, that's actually the main point about having sex, yeah," Matsumoto rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "it's like, for example, the purpose of boobs is to actually feed babies."

"So, you must be able to feed about six babies." Yachiru pointed out. Matsumoto bounced.

"Probably, but I didn't purposely grow these, especially not to feed six babies. But back to the main point," Matsumoto coughed, "remember: Safety First! Unless you want to have babies, make sure your man puts on a condom."

"Would you like to give us a demonstration?" Nanao asked shrewdly. Matsumoto glared at her.

"Ok, fine. Yachiru, could you hold out that hilt for me; cool. Imagine this is a man's penis, don't think _which_ man, just _a_ man. Ok, now open the package and don't tear the condom. Find which way it rolls on, pinch the bumpy end and roll the rest on smoothly all the way down. There! One hunk-of-male ready for action." She said proudly of the condom covered hilt. Yachiru smiled weakly, not sure whether to celebrate this achievement or not.

"How do you know all this stuff?" Yachiru asked, pulling off the condom from her hilt.

"I learned." Matsumoto replied.

"In fact…how do all of you know this stuff, have you see it? Have you all had sex?" Pretty much everyone except Nemu and Matsumoto looked up at the ceiling nervously.

"I have only seen research footage and documents in this area." Nemu responded blankly. Nanao twitched, _weird_, she thought.

"I have…I think that's pretty obvious, but I won't say who with." Matsumoto peered at the others, "c'mon, what is said in the room, stays in the room." The rest of the women either nodded or shook their heads nervously.

"Ya-chiruuuu fukutai-choooooo? Where are you- oh. Here you are." Ikkaku peered around the slightly open door. Yachiru quickly hid the rolled out condom behind her back. He looked at the blushing women and quickly noted at the drawings on the blackboard, "Oh, Women's Meeting. Sorry." His shiny head withdrew from the doorframe.

"Uh, thanks!" Yachiru bowed quickly, signalling the end of the meeting, before hopping out to the waiting man. They set off at a quick pace back to the 11th division headquarters.

"What was that all about?" Ikkaku asked, remembering the pictures on the board.

"Se-cr-et, Baldy." she flushed, the condom still hidden in hand. She wondered what the heck to do with it, knowing it can't stay hidden in her hand forever. Then she looked up at Ikkaku's shining bald head. She grinned as she imagined what the uproar it would bring if Baldy was found wearing a questionable hat in the morning.

* * *

Ahhhh, yes, I'm evil and weird. Weevil. Ya know, I still crack myself up every time I think of that _really_ lame joke on Master and Commander about 'the lesser of two weevils'. Bahahaha! 

I'm asking you folks about crack pairings; what you like, what you don't like, or even if you like the idea at all. I mean, Ken x Hana is cracky enough, but I'm thinking about Ikkaku x Nemu and I've even hinted before at older!Yachiru x Byakuya (however, it was by accident, I never even considered that pairing was possible, but hey!) Send me your thoughts and pairings.


	12. Snow

Wowies, thankies for ze feedback! Muchly obliged. This is a quick one. Toshiro is not my most favourite character, but I can imagine the dialogue between Yachiru and Hitsugaya.

* * *

**Snow**

"Awwwwwww, c'mon Dandelion. Pleaaa-aaase."

"My name is not 'Dandelion', please call me by my proper name."

"Ok. Awwwwwwww, c'mon Toushiro, please? With a cherry on top?" Yachiru clasped her hands together, looking at the captain with innocent red-brown eyes.

"_Hitsugaya-taicho_." He glared back from across the desk.

"I can call you whatever you want; I've been around here longer than you have, so I'm your sempai." She pointed out.

"I'm your elder and a captain, address me as such." He retorted, a vein popping in his forehead.

"I'm older! I command you!"

"I'm taller! So no!"

"_Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?_ With red bean in the middle!" she leaned across the desk and his neat paperwork, scattering it.

"No!"

"_Please!_ It's so hot!" she cried. Outside, heat devils rose up from the ground and cicadas shrieked a chorus of pain in the windless air. Inside, even Hitsugaya had taken off his captain's cloak and waving a fan across his hot flushed face. Yachiru had almost stripped down to her undergarments.

"Arrrgh! Will it shut you up?!" He growled in annoyance, slapping down his fan.

"Yup." She smiled up from her near-tantrum.

"I'll consider it." He pushed her off the desk and began to clean up the scattered paper. She fell off the desk with a bump.

"Ow! Not fair!" She accused, rubbing her rump. It was at this point of time that Matsumoto decided to enter, dressed in nothing more than a short wrap around skirt and short top, fluttering a fan.

"Stop fighting children, it's too hot for that," She sighed, a trickle of sweat running down the side of her face.

"Matsumoto! What the hell are you wearing?!" Hitsugaya launched out of his seat.

"You can't expect me to walk around in my uniform in this heat, can you taicho?" Matsumoto said, "Besides, you must be the only guy who's not walking around topless or in his underwear. I even saw Kuchiki sitting in the shade with his top off. Now _that_ was a sight for sore eyes." She giggled behind her fan.

"Thanks for the information, now could you please escort Kusajishi-fukutaicho from the premises." Hitsugaya grunted, glaring at the little pink girl. Yachiru looked up at Matsumoto with quivering lips and eyes. Matsumoto's eyes softened.

"Why?" She asked.

"She's been interfering with my work." He said stiffly.

"He won't release his sword and make snow for us." Yachiru sniffed. Matsumoto's eyes widened in excitement.

"Omigod, _pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase_?" She asked, clasping her hands together.

"Matsumoto! Not you too?" Histugaya cried, dismayed, looking at the two girls with quivering lips and big, wide eyes, "Fine. I give up."

"Yay!" The two females jumped around in excitement.

"Matsumoto! Stop jumping!" He blushed.

………

"Too hot…" Ikkaku groaned.

"Far too hot." Renji agreed.

"So hot that it burns."

"Ya idiot, of course it burns when it's hot. Stop drinking all the sake. Both were lying in the shade with their tops off and drinking cold sake, wincing every time the sun burst through a gap in the leaves. Yumichika was nearby, also topless, however he had the added protection of a red parasol. No way was he going to risk getting sunburnt.

"Hey, there's a weird cloud over the training grounds." Yumichika pointed over the hill. Renji and Ikkaku looked up, hopeful for a weather change.

"Feels like Hitsugaya." Renji commented as riatsu poured over them.

"He's releasin' his zanpakuto; I wonder what the brat's thinkin'." Ikkaku wiped his head from sweat.

"I heard his shikai controls the weather," Yumichika said, watching the cloud get bigger and greyer, "perhaps he got sick of the heat."

"I'm going down there; I wanna see what he's up to." Ikkaku lifted himself off the ground. Renji and Yumichika followed slowly behind.

………

"Yay!" Yachiru danced in the falling snow. The flakes melted at they hit the ground, causing her to splash big puddles in the middle of the training ground. Shinigami seemed to flock in from nowhere, just to feel the cold snow on their hot bodies.

"More snow! More snow!" Matsumoto laughed as she tried to catch snowflakes on her tongue. A vein pulsed in Histugaya's temple as he caused a huge blanket of snow to fall on the frolicking shinigami. He sheathed his sword with a huff.

"That's all I'm going to give you! It will melt in an hour, so enjoy it," He turned to leave only to bump into a wooden staff and long beard, "S-s-sotaicho." He blanched.

"This is very irresponsible, Hitsugaya taicho, releasing your sword in public," Yamamoto said sternly, looking down on the boy. Hitsugaya hung his head, "however, I will forgive you as you did a public service." The older man grinned. Hitsugaya looked up in surprise. Yamamoto just smiled gently and walked away.

"Public service?" He mouthed to himself looking around. Arriving 11th Division had already started a massive snowball fight. The Kuchikis' had arrived, and already snow bunnies and snow ambassadors were being created. Makeshift sleds and skates started to appear. Yamamoto was hurling snowballs at Shunsui, Jyuushiro and their concerned subordinates, a big grin on his face. Suddenly an icy cold snowball slipped down the back his neck.

"Gotcha."

"Hinamori?" Hitsugaya gasped. She giggled.

"You looked so dazed, Shiro-chan, I just had to slip it down your neck to wake you up," she ruffled his hair much to his annoyance, "The snow's a great idea on a day like this, it makes things more bearable. What made you think of it?"

Hitsugaya caught the eye of a particular little girl fighting in the snow. Yachiru winked from her perch on Zaraki, just as she was pelted by a snowball from Yumichika, "Well, the heat pestered me a little." He explained. He took his opportunity to pick up a snowball and thrust it down Hinamori's neck, effectively joining in the fight.

* * *

Daawww, that was fluffier than Shiro-chan's hair. The reasoning behind Yachiru being older than Toshiro is a complicated thing, which I may make fun of in later fics. If you age slower and live longer in Soul Society, then someone who'd died old and been in Soul Society for a short while is actually younger than someone who died young and grew up in Soul Society. I'm just making an assumption that Hitsugaya has lived a shorter time in Soul Society than Yachiru. So then Yachiru would techinically be older. Savvy?

It also seems that Yachiru has a bad habit of entering people's offices without permission.


	13. Cold

Cool, so much response! I've now influenced people that they laughed during exams and in class. I feel so great and powerful! Mwahahahaaa! I've been watching the recent Bleach anime lately, thank _god _the fillers are over. And the Shinigami Golden are particulary funny, mostly because they're not canon. So much Bya-bocchan love. So far, he's made a joke _and_ smiled. Whoa, OOC. These literally had me bouncing off the college common room walls. Wheee! This story is about Yumichika and Ikkaku and the insane situations I put them in. ohohoho.

* * *

**Cold**

He had to be dreaming, he just had to be. No horror story could ever amount to this. Ikkaku watched helpless as his precious blanket was ripped away from his backpack because of the high winds and settle in the river, where it was tossed around before sinking, never to be seen again.

"Oh, your blanket," Yumichika said blankly as Ikkaku stood dumbfounded by the bank, "Don't worry, we'll get a new blanket in the next town."

"But the next town is _days_ away," He cursed his ill luck, "Shi-it, I needed that blanket to sleep with!" He exclaimed. The forest around them was cold, wet and dripping from a late autumn shower previously.

"Maybe you can light a fire to sleep next to." Yumichika suggested

"I doubt we're going to find wood dry enough. Damn damn damn." Ikkaku mourned.

"Oh, don't be such a wimp; it's only for one or two nights." Yumichika rolled his eyes.

"This comin' from someone who never sits on the bare ground because of dirt or runs away when opponents get too tough." He replied snidely. Yumichika looked at him piercingly.

"Hey! Dirt's dirty! Dirt makes things ugly, and so does punches to the face." He retorted with a theatrical swish of his long hair.

"Well, then I'm at least allowed to complain about the cold. I hate the cold."

"Then wear more clothes and grow some hair! Maybe that would keep you warmer." Yumichika growled.

"Hey, that was uncalled for!" He unconsciously rubbed the top of his shiny scalp, "I like these clothes, and it's hardly cold enough during the day to change them." He pulled at his vest in an attempt to make a point. Yumichika folded his arms and looked at him incredulously.

"Thus the whole wearing the same stuff every day," he pointed out. It was Ikkaku's turn to roll his eyes.

"Oh, come off it Yumi, I can't be bothered arguin'. Let's go find somewhere dry enough to camp and eat that onigiri you've got." Ikkaku huffed and moved ahead.

Finding somewhere dry was quite daunting, especially when it rained again later, pushing the night quicker than they had anticipated. Dry firewood was almost an impossibility and starting the fire was just as bad. Ikkaku left the flint to Yumichika while he put up the shelter made from branches strung over a sheltered thicket.

"Haha! We have fire!" Yumichika clapped his hands together in triumph as he saw the small yet bright flame curl around small sticks. His clap however was echoed by a clap of thunder. Rain poured down in sheets, the fire disappeared in a sad little hiss.

"Ah, screw it." Ikkaku ducked underneath the almost waterproof shelter, followed immediately by a damp Yumichika. It was cramped in the small shelter and there was a large gap in the roof. Ikkaku grabbed Yumichika's parasol.

"Bastard, what are you doing to my parasol?" Yumichika gasped as the bald man thrust the parasol through the gap and opened it, effectively fixing the problem.

"Saving us from an uncomfortable night." He replied. Yumichika sighed, opening his small pack for the onigiri. The rice balls had lost their triangular shape from being in the pack, but they were still good and full of creamy tuna. Ikkaku looked up at the dark sky.

"What time is it, I wonder?" Yumichika mused.

"Most likely sunset, it's quite dark now. Which means it's still early." He sighed.

"Well, I'm going to get some beauty sleep." Yumichika reached into his pack and brought out his big blanket. He placed it on the ground and rolled himself up in it, using his pack as a pillow, "Good night."

Ikkaku huffed, glaring at the rugged-up and comfortable man. He stared at the rain for a couple of hours, listening to Yumichika's breathing slow and become regular. He lay back on the ground, littered with leaves and stony gravel, trying to sleep. It was probably the most uncomfortable he'd been in a while, the cold hard ground was unforgiving and uneven. The rain chill crept in with the breeze making it worse. He got up and stared at Yumichika, rubbing his shoulders to warm them.

"That's it." He declared, getting up and walking over to Yumichika. With one quick movement, he ripped the blanket away exposing the stirring man.

"Wha-?" Yumichika said blarily, confused to why he was awake.

"Shove over, I'm getting in." He stepped beside him, lying down and pulled the covers over them.

"The hell – Ack! You're cold! Get your feet off me!" He protested, trying to push the intruder out.

"I'll die of the cold out there!" Ikkaku stayed put, huddling in the already warm blanket, "Trust me, if I had a choice I wouldn't be in here right now."

"Then at least give me some of the blanket!"

"Fool! You've already got two thirds of it, and I'm bigger than you." There was a brief scuffle over the blanket, finally resolved by both of them lying back-to back holding tightly to whatever fabric they could wrap around themselves.

"No funny business." Yumchika warned.

"Funny, I was about to say the same thing. Not that I was planning to." Ikkaku grunted. He closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

………

Ikkaku felt warm and comfortable. He had a good sleep and slowly he opened his eyes to light streaming through the entrance of the shelter. He felt a pressure on his chest and looked down. All his warm feelings were drained away as his blood ran cold. Yumichika had wrapped around him in his sleep, his head and arm were resting across his chest. He was snoring gently.

To add to the horror, Ikkaku looked at his own arm hugging the other man. He felt all sorts of bodily appendages shrink inside his body. He peeled his arm carefully away from the sleeping man and pushed him off his body. He removed himself from the blanket and as soon as he was free, he shot outside, searching for water. He found a large puddle and began washing his hands and arms.

"Ah, I had a good sleep," Yumichika stretched and yawned inside the shelter, "I had a dream that I was in a play and I was the main part, all the girls loved me for my looks and I had heaps of fans. They kept hugging me." Ikkaku shuddered and began washing more vigorously.

"I don't care about your dreams. Hurry up and get ready, we're going to town to get a new blanket." Ikkaku strained.

* * *

Probably not as funny, but it still cracked me up. Back to recent anime, there's Ikkaku's flashback scene about to be showed and it looks like there's more about their history than what's in the manga, I wonder if it's canon or not.

I've also got lots of feedback about crack pairings, I found over the internet, spesh in fanart that there's a lot of IkkakuxNemu and ByaxYachiru, maybe that will crop up later. Inoue x Ishida cracks me up. Dunno why, it just does.


	14. Pain

This cracked me up. I guess it's Ken x Hana, but with a really bizarre twist. It's kinda like the 11th division members go to 4th Division and create havoc cliche, but I garantee you, not many people have thought of this. I really have no excuse.

* * *

**Pain**

The crowded mess room of 11th Division was noisy as per usual. Meat and sake were in plentiful supply and so was the good cheer. Ikkaku, Renji and Yachiru were dancing on the table with a rousing song

"_Matsumoto! Matsumoto! The biggest tits you'll see! Matsumoto! Matsumoto! Fill all the boys with glee!"_ They sang, the main composers being a combination of Yachiru, Ikkaku and sake. There were cheers at every high kick. Fights were breaking out at every point along the table. Gambling was prominent.

"Ow."

The room suddenly became silent and looked at Zaraki.

His face was slightly strained, staring into the distance; holding his right abdomen tightly. He suddenly noticed the horrified silence. People began to mutter: Did Zaraki-taicho just say '_ow'_? When did Zaraki-taicho ever say 'ow'? Kenpachi glared at his subordinates.

"Indigestion," he burped loudly, "so what are yer staring at?" He snarled. The place erupted back into song and dance. Yet over in on corner, Renji leaned over to Yumichika.

"I don't think the taicho's feeling very well." He commented.

"I think so too, but let's not let on that we know; he'll be in a foul mood otherwise."

………

"Well, you're looking more pale than usual." Mayuri sneered at Kenpachi.

"Shut-up freak, it's the middle of winter. I've lost my tan." He snapped, making his way to his spot for the Captain's meeting. He stood still, waiting for the meeting to begin. Mayuri just shrugged, but he wasn't the only person who felt the tense riatsu in the air. Soi Fong turned to him from across the line.

"What's the matter with you? Looks like someone _really_ pissed you off this time." She drawled. All he could do was glare at her. Yamamoto ascended to his seat, shuffling papers around.

"The Captain's meeting has begun," he announced to the room, "The last few weeks have been the lowest on hollow activity this year; I'd like to thank you all for doing such hard work. There have been some major advances in gigai developm- Zaraki taicho! Stop fidgeting and lower your riatsu!" He warned as the riatsu started to get a little uncomfortable.

"Sorry." He grunted, but he looked obviously uncomfortable. Unohana raised her hand.

"Yes, Unohana-taicho?" Yamamoto asked.

"Excuse me for interrupting the meeting, Yamamoto-sotaicho. Can I examine Zaraki-taicho for a minute."

"Fine, not that there's much to talk about today." Yamamoto put his sheets aside and leaned forward on his crutch. Unohana approached Kenpachi, a serene smile on her pleasant face.

"What?" He glared, very aware of the other captain's stares. She poked his chest gently.

"Does this hurt?"

"No."

"Does this hurt?" She prodded his left abdomen.

"No." He shook his head.

"Does…this hurt?" She poked the right abdomen very gently. His visible eye twitched.

"Haaa…no." He lied.

"Are you sure?" She hit the same spot with her fist, much harder. He let out a strangled noise as he crunched over forwards.

"…Pain…" He chocked. The captains began talking; He really was in pain. Nobody thought that they would ever see the day he would flinch. What he had must be unbelievably painful.

"Permission to take him to Fourth Division." Unohana asked Yamamoto as Kenpachi clutched his side.

"Granted." He nodded. She turned around, leading Zaraki away, "Well, I didn't expect _that_." He commented.

"I wonder what he has, because I'll put it on my list of things I _don't_ want to get." Aizen commented. Everyone nodded in agreement.

……..

"Appendicitis."

"Appenda-whatta?"

"You've got a bad infection in your gut. We're going to have to get your appendix out." Unohana said, as he put ice on his stomach. Kenpachi had no idea what she was talking about, all he knew about anatomy was that intestines was the long ropy stuff, the heart thumped and the stomach held all your food. Now here she was talking about taking out his Open-end-dicks. He hoped it wasn't vital. He looked over and saw her picking up a needle and drawing solution out of a bottle.

"What? Now?!" He exclaimed, getting up. She pushed him down.

"Yes, now. Otherwise it'll explode, if it hasn't already," She explained, "Now would you please turn around and pull your pants down." She asked nicely with a calm smile.

"What?" he went pale. He didn't know what was more unpleasant, mooning her or having a body part exploding.

"Turn around and pull your pants down please, I'm going to give you anaesthetic so you'll fall asleep during surgery." He obeyed, turning around on the bed and effectively mooning her. This was a bad day, he thought. She adjusted the volume of the needle.

"You can relax, stop clenching please." She said. He relaxed.

"Does it have to be in the arse?"

"Yes. Thank you for relaxing. Now you'll be awake for only a few seconds after I inject this…inject this needle…Zaraki-taicho lower your riatsu please, I can't insert this needle." He felt small stabbing picks on his arse. He flushed and lowered it as much as possible.

"Lower your riastu please."

"I am lowering it."

"No. You're not. Lower it."

"I _am,_ godammit woman."

"I can tell you're raising it, especially around your backside."

"So?" he growled.

"Zaraki-taicho, are you afraid of needles?"

"Fuck no. I'm just a little apprehensive of the fact that you're _stabbing my arse!_" He snarled at the doctor as she released another needle stabbing attack.

"The needle needs to go in!" her calm composure beginning to disappear as the third needle pint broke.

"Zanpakutos can't cut me; I don't think a little needle stands a chance." Unohana snapped her fingers together as an idea came to her head.

Unohana opened the door and called down the hall.

"Isane! Call 12th division. Tell them we need to use the gun."

"Gun?" He mouthed blankly.

………

It was no gun…it was more like a bazooka.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me." Kenpachi gaped. The bazooka was almost as large as Kenpachi himself and it was a wonder how Unohana hefted up on her shoulder so easily.

"This gun was used to tranquilise Hollows so that they could be brought up here for study. Since your riatsu cannot allow us to piece your skin, we're forced to use this." She loaded the bazooka with a large dart, making an ominous _ka-chack_ sound.

"Da-amn."

"Turn around," She held a marker in her hand, "stand about here," she pointed to a spot near the wall, "and pull down your pants, please." He obeyed, rolling his eyes. She took out her marker and drew a cross on his arse.

"X marks the spot, huh?" He grunted. She nodded, smiling. She walked over to the bazooka and hefted up on her shoulder, taking aim.

"It's not going to work." He said, facing the wall with his arms spread out.

"It will," She said, putting protective glasses over her eyes. She paused, giggling a little, "I'm sorry, I've just never shot someone in the backside before."

"Well, I've never been shot in the arse before. Now hurry up and shoot, godammit woman." He grinned. There was a loud explosion and he felt something definitely stick. He turned to see the dart twanging from the centre of the cross, "Ha! I feel fine. I told ya it wouldn't wor-" He rolled his eyes to the back of his head and collapsed like a felled tree.

"Bulls eye." She puffed away the rising smoke from the bazooka.

………

He slowly regained consciousness. He opened his eyes and found Yachiru sitting on his chest, smiling in the dark.

"Evenin' Ken-chan. I heard she bazooka'd your butt." She giggled. He groaned.

"Get off me, ya short shit, you're sitting on my cut." He held her up above his head. IV drips extended from his arms and he briefly wondered about how they eventually did surgery. Probably with pneumatic drills and dynamite.

"Hey, Ken-chan, let's see how far we can get out of the 4th Division before she catches you." She giggled. It was her favourite Unohana pass-time, get out of surgery and get away before she catches you and sends you back, which was usually just before they reached the gates. He also guiltily enjoyed the game too.

"Ok," He started to rip out the drips and the sheets, "I betcha 2000 push-ups that she catches up outside our division."

"2000 sit-ups she catches up near 9th Division Headquaters." She giggled back, both of them tiptoeing in the darkness. They reached the front doors. A warm hand touched his shoulder.

"Going somewhere?" Unohana said.

"Godammit woman, at least give us a 10 second head start!" he protested along with Yachiru as she pushed him back to his bed.

* * *

That song at the beginning is an actual drinking song created by me and my immediate friends, it has the tune, "Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka!" etc. Not much to say today, just cookies for all! 


	15. Moon

Warning: This has a lot of OOC moments...well, first of all Unohana is drunk and secondly, Kenpachi is thinking. I also take the time describing things, which I don't usually do. Thankies for the reviews!

* * *

**Moon**

Kenpachi needed to clear his head. The thoughts built up and matted themselves to the side of his skull, causing him to be unable to do his job. Yachiru had started it; she'd asked: _'If a snake ate itself, would its tail ever come out of its body?' _and _'is the colour I see and call blue the same as the colour you see and call blue?'._ He couldn't reply to the questions and now he was stewing in his confusion. He should've just said 'no' immediately and let that be that, but now he was wide awake in bed with those damn thoughts buzzing inside his head.

With a roar of frustration, he heaved himself out of bed and stormed outside. What he really needed right now was a hot sake and a long walk. He hated thinking; he had no idea why some people did it for a living. The world outside his room was dark and still, unlike the turmoil in his mind. The full moon hung above the Shrine of Penitence like a pale skull, grinning and gleaming.

It seemed that if he stretched out his arm, he could pick the moon out and put it in his pocket. He reached out for the moon, but only grabbed air. He grinned; _ya can't blame a fool fer tryin'_ he thought _It'd be a good present fer Yachiru_. He continued to walk and somehow found himself in the gardens. They were usually spectacular during the day, with most of the world's known plants growing there, however there was a typical abundance of cherry trees. He walked around the edge of the pond, watching the fireflies dance across the water, flirting with their own reflections.

He had heard somewhere that fireflies only live for one night; they spent years as ugly little grubs before lighting up for females and then dying. _How pathetic_ he thought _the good life is so short, huh? Shit, I'm thinking again._ He turned away from the fireflies and continued to walk around the pond and over the bridge. In the water, moonlight reflected of koi scales as they flitted under waterlilies. Kenpachi slumped over the railing, playing with a bell that had fallen over his forehead. From the edge of his hearing, he could hear a melody that was not part of his bell's accidental notes. His head perking up, he went to follow the song.

His quest took him to a clearing on hill, were the stars and moon dominated over the earth. He watched as Unohana danced slowly to a foreign song. He turned away, meaning to leave but she noticed him.

"Oh, Zaraki-taicho," She said, mildly surprised, "I felt your presence, but I didn't think you'd come up here. Couldn't sleep?" He looked back at her.

"Yeah. Sorry, I interrupted you. I'll leave." He grunted, continuing on his way.

"Oh no, I was watching the moon. I had company, but they'd just left. Would you like to join me for a while?" She asked tempting him with a bottle of sake she waved in her hand. He squared his jaw, _at least I won't be wanderin' around like an absolute idiot._

"Alright. At least you have sake." He said, walking over to the grassy knoll beside her and taking a seat on the dew-misted grass. She poured a glass for both of them.

"Kanpai!" She smiled, toasting the sake cup.

"Kanpai." He smiled back, realising that she'd already had plenty to drink that night. Which made him wonder about why she was alone. She'd said that she had company; maybe she'd dismissed them and they were lurking in the bushes somewhere. He glared around and his thoughts were confirmed, Isane and Iemura were lurking in the bushes watching their captain in concern. They looked even more petrified now that Zaraki was in her presence. He downed his glass of sake and looked up the happy Unohana with her braid undone and in a simple white kimono, dancing to a foreign tune playing on a gramophone.

"What're you dancing to?" He'd asked, because the music sounded so dramatic.

"Some European music, it's called 'Swan Lake Op 20: Act 2'. Kiyone got it for me the last time she was in the human world." She said. Kenpachi looked at her with some amused awe, he'd seen many captains drunk or pickled, but not Unohana. She'd always kept her calm face and professional attitude about her, but this was the first time she looked…relaxed. He was rather enjoying this moment.

The song changed to a quick cheerful beat and Unohana changed her dance to fit the tune. He watched her, the moon shining on her black hair and smooth skin. Her feet, bare and coated in silvery dew, flashed as she changed step. She flashed a rather un-Unohana smile at him and he half melted, half-froze.

"Kenpachi-kun, do you dance?" She huffed as the song ended and she stopped dancing.

"**No**!" he denied, perhaps a bit too forcibly, "I mean…uh, no I don't. Dancin' just ain't cool." She leant over, grabbing one of his hands with her two. She pulled him up.

"Dance with me!" She giggled. _Fuck, she's pissed_ He thought as he heaved himself up.

"I don't know how to." He admitted, glaring over at the two hidden shinigami and making a quick throat-slicing movement. The two fled. A hand on his shoulder brought him back to the present situation.

"Well, I'll teach you." She insisted, placing his hand on her waist. Kenpachi's comfort levels dropped exponentially. She slipped her other small hand in his, and then beamed up at the scowling Kenpachi.

"What the hell are you doing?" He muttered to her.

"We're going to ballroom dance!" She said cheerfully, "Now, I want you to put your left foot back, now your right foot…" They began to move. He looked up at the moonlit sky in exasperation. _I'm officially an idiot. A complete 'n' utter idiot_ he despaired as Unohana proudly declared that they had learnt the foxtrot together.

"Why am I doing this?" He asked rhetorically.

"Because I asked you to." Unohana replied. Her grip was quite firm and Kenpachi realised he wasn't going to get out of this unless he did some rather hard prying of fingers. He sighed and went along with it, grateful for having at least a decent view of unobstructed cleavage if he looked down. Suddenly the song changed and he was dragged off into a waltz. He tried very hard not to step on her feet, but she didn't seem to care about feet or at that, where they were going. He was whirled around at dizzying speeds at it was only then that he realised that she was the lead. _Wait a minute; aren't guys supposed to be the lead?_ He frowned, grounding his feet into the ground.

"Let's just…dance slow fer a bit, alright?" He suggested as she was pulled in from her wild waltz. She blinked up at him.

"'K." She agreed, albeit she was a bit intoxicated. She rested her head against his chest. Kenpachi tensed up his whole body as he rocked from side to side. It wasn't long until she slumped against his body. Kenpachi looked down and picked up the passed-out captain, cradling her like a child.

"Oi, you lot, ya'll can come out now." He growled into the night. Isane and Iemura crept out of the bushes, uncertain whether to run or not from the hulking man carrying their beloved captain, "Why weren't you guys with your captain?"

"She'd dismissed us, but we were concerned and stayed to watch her." Isane explained.

"Right, at least you lot stayed behind. There would've been some serious beatin's if I found her alone," He gruffed, "What was she celebratin' anyway that got her so drunk like this?" Isane and Iemura looked at each other with a concerned look.

"She explained to us that it was an anniversary of some sort, we're not sure what." Iemura said, pushing up his glasses. Kenpachi looked down at the sleeping Unohana. Maybe the freedom he felt was actually her running away, from sadness or from pain. He shook his head, knowing it would do nothing for him if he thought about it.

"And now she's coma'd out," He said with a pained sigh, "How many did she have?"

"Pardon?"

"How many bottles of sake did she have, che." He huffed.

"About…one." Isane admitted.

"Correction, about half a bottle." Iemura shook the bottle Unohana was drinking, the splash of sake inside confirmed the fact.

"Ya fuckin' lightweight," Kenpachi laughed in surprise, looking down at Unohana, "I 'spose that's economical if ya put it into perspective. I'll put Sleeping Beauty back to bed," He said, then he looked down at the two 4th Division members, "And if I hear any rumours about me dancing under the moon with Unohana-taicho, not matter how fast you run and how well you hide, I _will_ find you." He threatened, raising his riastu for added emphasis. He left the two shinigami petrified in horror. He whistled some Swan Lake as he walked down the streets with the unconscious Unohana in his arms, gazing up at the moon.

* * *

I actually really quite like Classical music and Swan Lake happens to be one of my favourites. They're ballroom dancing! ZOMFG squeeee! It makes me go all fuzzly inside. Just proves that Bleach is my crack. 


	16. Old

Anime episode 119 gives me both great joy and sadness. Joy, because it's Ikkaku's extended flashback! Sadness because...well...I think I'm going to get rid of my first chapter. Not yet because I haven't even seen the subs yet, and secondly I need your opinion, should I re-do 'Introductions'? Yumichika looks like a slutty bishie with long hair :snrkhahahaaa: He looks better with long hair

* * *

**Old**

The scream was soft at first, a gulp of horror, then it rose until the very halls rang with its terror. Yachiru lifted her head from her drawings, slightly amused at the way the doors vibrated at the scream. Kenpachi, standing on one arm upside down, could feel the floorboards hum.

"Oh?" He grunted looking up in the direction of the sound.

"Sounds like fruity-kun's not having a good day." Yachiru remarked. They both went down to their previous engagement's without any concern for the scream; after all, screams like that weren't uncommon in 11th Division. Outside the office doors they could hear Yumichika storm down the corridor and begin ranting, apparently at Ikkaku, because after a few seconds the latter burst out in explosive laughter. Yachiru jumped up and opened the door, she wanted to see what was so funny.

"Oh, Yachiru, something absolutely terrible has happened!" Ikkaku gasped with laughter, wiping tears away from his eyes.

"What what what what? Tell me!" Yachiru bounced up.

"Yumichika has a- has a…_wrinkle_!" He clutched his torso, obviously hurting in mirth. Yumichika looked utterly traumatised.

"I'm too young to get old!" He sniffed.

Yachiru giggled, "Show me your wrinkle, old man!" She asked. He leaned over and pointed to a barely noticeable crease in the corner of one eye, "Geez, it's puny! Fruity-kun would probably go mental if he started looking like Old Yamamoto."

"I'll probably kill myself before I start looking like _that_." Yumichika shuddered. By this time Ikkaku had recovered from his laughter.

"Ya know, Yumichika, I think the brat's older than you." He motioned at the small lieutenant.

"Of course I am." Yachiru beamed.

"Are not." Yumichika scowled.

"Don't frown like that, old man, you'll get more wrinkles." She grinned. Yumichika's face relaxed immediately. He turned to Ikkaku

"What evidence do you have that confirms Yachiru being older that I?" he said, trying to keep his face as smooth as possible

"Common sense; think about it. Taicho said that he found Yachiru when she was a little over a year old, and she looks like…what, nine-ten years old? But she's something like 500 human years, or more. I died when I was fourteen, I say I lived about as long as Yachiru has in Soul Society. You, on the other hand, you said you died at age seventeen, and you look like a twenty-year old. I'd say Yachiru's older than you." Ikkaku explained. Yachiru and Yumichika both blinked dumbly at him.

"Wow! Baldie used his brain!" Yachiru brightened at Ikkaku. His face fell into a sulk.

"There's no way that Yachiru is older than me!" Yumichika squealed in outrage.

"Old fruit's in _denial_." Yachiru grinned sweetly.

"At least I'm more mature than you!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Oi! Would you bastards shut the hell up? I'm actually tryin' to concentrate here!" Kenpachi hollered from his office. The argument stopped and Yumichika sauntered over the open office door.

"Ah, Taicho! You're exactly the person we need to settle this argument-"

"Yachiru's the more mature one, ya goddamn fruit cake!" He growled upside down, "Now shuddap! I'm trying to beat my record."

"And that would be…?"

"Five hours and twelve minutes, and that was only because I needed to piss." He said, the one arm holding him up was twitching slightly, the tendons moving under his skin in order to keep him balanced. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Taicho…how old are you?" Yumichika asked.

"Younger than Yamamoto, older than Toushiro."

"You speak in riddles."

"Does it look like I have a friggin' clue that I know my age?" He looked up from his position, only to see the pink hair of his lieutenant bounding towards him.

"Ken-chan is old!" She giggled, tackling him. He fell with a crash, crushing his pointy hair in the process.

"Goddammit Yachiru!" He roared, sitting up with her on his lap, "I was just at five hours!"

"You can do it again." She pouted as Kenpachi glared at her.

"Yeah, you're right…besides, I'm hungry and wasn't lookin' forward to eating udon upside down." He said, trying to straighten his crooked spikes. He wasn't succeeding.

"It would be funny to watch." She said.

"Yeah…I'm off to the mess hall, see you idiots later." He walked out of the room with two of his spikes at right angles. Ikkaku looked at Yumichika's placid face. He kicked Yumichika's shin.

"Ow! What the heck was that for?!" He yelped, jumping back.

"Your face annoys me. Oi, brat, wanna flip a coin to see who'll be the eldest?" He produced a shiny copper coin and waved it in front of Yachiru. Her big brown eyes followed the coin with extreme attention

"M'kay." She agreed.

"Right, heads I win, tails you lose; got it?" He flipped the coin. The copper spun in the air for a moment before Ikkaku caught it and slapped it on the back of his hand. He revealed a head.

"Awwww." Yachiru sulked in disappointment.

"Heads I win." He stuck out his tongue. He gave her the coin and she forgot about defeat and raced out of the hall after Kenpachi. Yumichika gave Ikkaku a sidelong glance.

"She's older than you isn't she?" He accused.

"…Yeah." Ikkaku admitted, slumping his shoulders.

* * *

Yeah, this is random. I actually love Yumichika to bits, but unfortunately he's so awesome to make fun out of. Dammit Kubo! Give us some more Yumichika fights! Lol, it'll go something like this:

"Hurr hurr, I'm mighty mighty Aizen, just try to defeat my Arrancar."

Yumichika: Shhluuuuuuuuuurp! There goes your riatsu!  
Smack! Bang! You're'll dead! Tee hee hee :bounce:

Kenpachi: Grrrrr, screw you fruit cake. Ya took my fights.


	17. Lunch

Hi guys, I'm sorry I haven't uploaded in a while, but there was a death in my family and I've just been too busy doing other stuff. Here's a crack-fluff piece for you and it's a bit OOC. It's older!Yachiru x Byakuya for something different. I'll get more stories out later.

* * *

**Lunch**

There's something about Yachiru and food, Byakuya observed. Somehow, she could hear the opening of a bento box from a kilometre away, a skill that only seemed to be honed to a more precise method over the years. He still marvelled how she knew the exact amount of ramen he had, down to the last noodle (he'd even counted, just to make sure) and what chef had cooked on a specific day.

"Get your own food." He berated as she pinched one of his tuna nigiri. She smiled, swinging upside down on the cherry tree branch chopsticks at ready.

"Why?" She asked with her mouth full. Byakuya looked up at the young woman with slightly narrowed eyes.

"First of all, it's my food; secondly, I'm hungry." He stated, fending off another chopstick armed hand from his bento.

"Not 'nuff reasons." She said as she popped another nigiri in her mouth. He moved the box from out of her reach.

"Don't they feed you enough back in 11th division?" He asked as Yachiru tried reaching as far as she could, "And, at least sit like a woman instead of hanging upside down like a bat." She reluctantly slid from the tree and sat down.

"They feed me, but it's nice not to eat food not made by yourself, Ken-chan or Ikkaku." She smiled.

"Ikkaku makes lunches?" Byakuya said in disbelief.

"Well, only for seated officers…and only then on special occasions."

"Are they…good?"

"They're alright, at least Pachinko uses the right method of cooking." Yachiru giggled.

"And Zaraki taicho doesn't?" Byakuya enjoyed the last of his egg rolls.

"I'm not talking about Ken-chan, I mean he's no gourmet but he can cook simple stuff; I'm talking about Yumichika."

"Ayasegawa? I would've thought he was the cook."

"His stuff looks pretty. Tastes pretty bad," She explained, "His bento box of love is really a bento box of indigestible delights."

"You learn something new everyday; remind me never to ask Yumichika to make me lunch," He stated sipping his tea, "you never properly answered my question."

"What question?" She asked, stuffing sushi in her mouth.

"I asked-," He paused, staring at the sushi, "how did you get that? Cease eating my food!"

"Fine." She pouted. It was the last straw on Byakuya's half. He could only take half a millennia of stolen lunches.

"You owe me lunch." He folded his arms.

"What?" She protested loudly.

"Ever since you came to the Gotei 13 you've been conning me out of my food, whether through bribes or downright theft. You owe me lunch, Yachiru Kusajishi-fukutaicho."

"Ah," She stuck up her index finger in front of his face, "Hold on one second, Byakushi. I do _not_ owe you lunch. I owe your cooks lunch, but not you."

"What?"

"You have never made your own lunch. Ever. Therefore, I owe you nothing." She poked out her tongue. He blinked, she was right, he'd never made his own food before. A small chill crept down his spine.

"So you're saying that if I made you lunch, and you ate it, then you would owe me lunch." He said.

"Precisely." Yachiru nodded. Byakuya leant back and looked down thoughtfully.

"Sounds like a challenge." He nodded to himself then looked at Yachiru, "But."

"But?"

"You have to make me lunch." He said with a note of finality. Yachiru looked away to her left, pondering the decision. Byakuya looked at the young woman intently, her long pink hair briefly hiding her face before she brushed it away.

"Deal. Shall we make it for tomorrow?" She asked, jumping up to her feet.

"Sure. We'll meet here tomorrow, at midday. I hope I won't be disappointed, fukutaicho." He lifted himself up to his feet holding the empty bento box.

"Likewise Bya-chan." She smiled before shun-poing out of sight. He blinked, then frowned. He could be in over his neck.

………

"You're kidding right?"

"No." Yachiru said to a bewildered audience of Ikkaku and Yumichika. The two male shinigami looked at each other with knowing looks, "What?!" She growled as she pulled out rice and meat from the cupboards.

"Kenpachi will blow his top if he finds out that you're dating Kuchiki-taicho." Yumichika sighed.

"Ain't ya too young to be dating?" Ikkaku pointed at her with an incredulous look on his face. Yachiru rolled her eyes as she rummaged around for vinegar.

"For the last time, it's not a date. It's a contest…of sorts." She said finding the vinegar behind an empty bottle of sake.

"Uh-huh. What sort of fight involves feeding the other person? And how do you win?" Yumichika smirked. Yachiru blinked, knife in one hand, cucumber in the other.

"I don't know. But I will win this one. Even if it kills me." She stated, gripping the cucumber so tightly it slipped out of her hand like a bar of soap, skittering across the floor until it stopped to rest at Yumichika's feet. He picked it up, giving it back to her.

"You sure you don't need any help?" He asked, brushing back his hair with a casual sweep of his hand. Yachiru smiled weakly.

"Nah, I'll be 'right." _No help from you in any rate_.

………

"Renji. Do you know how to cook?"

"Uh, Kuchiki-taicho? Are you…are you wearing an apron?"

……..

'Twas the hour of destiny. The arena: a clearing amongst the cherry trees. The contestants: a tall, dark-haired nobleman and captain versus a tall, pink-haired woman and vice-captain. The weapons: sushi and sushi.

Yachiru held out her bento.

"Yours."

"…Thank you." They swapped bento boxes. They sat down and opened them up, chopsticks at ready. Byakuya looked at the slightly awkward bento setting, the sushi rolls weren't completely the same size and the rice was partly squished out. Yachiru took a look at her sushi, it seemed that Byakuya got sick of patiently rolling the sushi and began individually wrapping rice balls with nori and sticking in the chicken like that. She held down a chuckle of laughter by biting the corner of her lip.

"Itadakimasu!" She smiled.

"Itadakimasu." He replied. They began to eat and there was a silent moment as they analysed the other's food. It was Yachiru who broke the silence.

"Um…you got Renji to make the rice, didn't you?" She suppressed a chuckle.

Little red spots on Byakuya's cheekbones began to appear, "…Yes…how can you tell?"

"Renji has a bad habit of making his rice a bit too salty and vinegary. Why didn't you ask your cooks to help you?" She asked.

"…I didn't feel like asking them." He stated.

"Asking Orenji would've been a bit…awkward."

"Not as awkward as this lunch." He talked into his lap. There was a pregnant pause.

"You look nice." He said. She had her hair up and she was dressed reasonably respectable.

"Thanks."

A heavily nine-month pregnant pause.

"Umm…you're totally opposite to Yumichika." She fished for a compliment.

"Oh?"

"Tastes alright…looks absolutely terrible." Byakuya blinked then a shadow of a smile crossed his face. Yachiru began to chuckle then crack up. She held up his odd ball of chicken sushi and they began to laugh together.

"Does it really taste alright?" He asked, trying hard to banish the large smile that was plastered across his face. She picked up one of his sushi balls and placed it in his open, accepting mouth. He chewed for a second then nodded in surprised acceptance. Yachiru giggled.

"You have…you have some rice on the corner of your mouth." She pointed to her own corresponding corner of her mouth. He wiped his mouth, missing it.

"Got it?"

"No." She shook her head. Her face suddenly reddened with an idea. She leant over the bentos and kissed the few grains of rice away from his mouth. She suddenly realised what she was doing and withdrew quickly, her face glowing like a sunset. Byakuya stared into the distance, his mouth slightly open and very stunned. Yachiru looked down at the dirt, tracing a pattern on her knee.

"I'm…uh…" She began. He looked at her piercingly.

"What did I say about stealing my food?" He leant over to her, "Give my rice back."

"Huh?" She uttered before Byakuya locked his lips on hers. He could feel the heat rolling off her face, but he really didn't care. Her lips weren't unexperienced, but the spirit of the moment made her awkward and slightly clumsy. They broke away, his pale eyes meeting her chestnut brown ones.

"Your bento was the best bento I've had in a long time." He said, leaning in for another kiss. She accepted it. _Yes_, she thought, _definitely the best bento I've had in a long time_.

* * *

Yeah, it's weird, but I love it all the same. I dunno about you guys, but I've been really cut up about the latest Bleach chapters.

Oh, and I thought that Yachiru's nickname for Renji woud be Orenji (Orange). Bya-bo, ya horny bastard, run as far away from Kenpachi as possible. He's gonna slaughter ya.


	18. Fuck

Real quick update here. This is a sequel to "Lunch" and has a reference to "Confrontations". 'Nother crack fic. :Gasp: Yes, the prompt was the nasty F-word.

* * *

**Fuck**

Yachiru steeled herself up for the inevitable. She waited outside the office, the door seemingly bigger than usual. Of course she had to tell Kenpachi, pretty much the rest of Soul Society knew about her relationship with Byakuya Kuchiki except him. Ikkaku apparently had a bigger mouth for gossip than she had anticipated; or maybe someone else found out, she didn't know. All she knew is that Ken-chan wasn't going to be happy.

"Good evening, Ken-chan!" She said brightly, sliding the door open. Kenpachi was busy staring at his sword, it seemed that he was trying to talk to it, but it wasn't working.

"Ssssh, I'm busy." He cut her off.

"Uh…"

"The damn witch is being evil again," he referred to the sword, "she's toyin' with me." He growled. Yachiru started twiddling with her thumbs.

"I've begun dating again." She said loudly. He briefly looked up at the young woman.

"Eh? So?"

"Well, I just wanted you t'know." She was too nervous to tell the whole story. Kenpachi sensed something was amiss; Yachiru didn't look bashfully down at the ground when talking about dates.

"So, who's the bastard?" He asked. Yachiru bit her lip.

"You know him…"

"Who?" He was getting impatient, drumming his fingers on his zanpakuto.

"…Byakuya." She winced getting ready for the explosion.

It was slow at first; his knuckles whitened and his jaw bulged out. He began to shake, the bells in his hair tinkling. He stood up, blood flooding to his skin. He sheathed his zanpakuto and began walking.

"I'm going for a walk." He said in a low deadly voice. Yachiru grabbed the back of his shirt and planted her feet firmly to the ground in order to stop him.

"Don't you _dare,_ Ken-chan." She growled as he pulled her across the floor.

"Dare do what? I'm just goin' fer a fuckin' walk." A sinister growl crept into his voice. Yachiru was trying her best to stop him, but the captain was too strong. She decided to hop on his back, because there was no stopping Kenpachi and she hoped that she could help her significant other. He exploded out the door without opening it and ran towards the Kuchiki mansion. She bounced around his back, it was far less comfortable than she had remembered, but she hadn't ridden on his back for a couple of centuries so that was expected.

The mansion rose up in front of them in the darkness. Guards went out to meet them, but they didn't stand up for long as Kenpachi ploughed right through them. He followed the entrance way until he saw a glowing window on the second floor. He jumped up and burst through the oil paper exposing a dinner scene.

Byakuya sat crossed-legged at the table with Rukia. It seemed they had disturbed while they were eating noodles because Byakuya had noodles dangling out of his pursed lips, momentarily forgotten as Kenpachi framed the window in the settling dust.

"You!" Kenpachi pointed an accusing finger at the noble.

"**_Run!_**" Yachiru yelled over Kenpachi's back, jumping off. Byakuya reached for his zanpakuto but only grabbed air. Zaraki was armed, he was not.

"Fuck." He said with a mouth full of noodles. He jumped up and ran just before Kenpachi smashed his sword into where he was sitting. Byakuya swallowed his noodles in a large painful gulp before stopping in front of the door.

"You perverted bastard." Kenpachi launched at him.

"Let's talk like gentlemen!" Byakuya offered as he dodged.

"Fuck that!" Kenpachi roared. No, there will be no gentlemanly talking here, since when was Kenpachi gentle? Byakuya switched tactics. He raised his hands and shouted a binding kidou. Kenpachi was trapped by six bands of light.

"Zaraki-taicho, it seems that you've been informed by Yachiru-chan that we have been seeing each other, but I didn't expect such a reaction. Even from you." Byakuya began, exasperated.

"She's too young for you." Kenpachi accused, struggling against his prison.

"I realise that there is a significant age gap, but when has that really ever been an issue in Soul Society? She's a woman now."

"That's it; I'm taking off the eye patch." Kenpachi reached up and ripped off the offending material. The kidou spell instantly melted away against his spirit force. Kenpachi smiled insanely, it had been a long time since he'd seen Kuchiki's face mildly distressed like it was now. Yachiru jumped in front of Kenpachi, her eyes flashing angrily.

"Kenpachi Zaraki." She growled. That alone made him stop; she had never, _ever_ called him by his full name, "if you lay a finger on him, I will be so freakin' _pissed_ at you." He looked at her with both eyes and saw that she indeed was a woman. He lowered his sword.

"Che, whatever." He sheathed his sword and turned his back on the couple, "Oh, and Kuchiki, if ya make Yachiru cry, even once, rest assured, I _will_ find you. And kill you. In painful ways." He threatened. Byakuya nodded. Kenpachi jumped out of sight. Rukia relaxed out of her tight protective ball and the couple exhaled the breath they had been holding.

"Well, that went better than I expected." Yachiru smiled weakly.

* * *

My mind frickin' blew apart when I watched Bleach 121, especially the ending theme. Seeing Kenpachi topless is well worth my day as well as Yumichika in a beret and Shunsui in a vest 3. Don't you reckon the opening theme has too many spoilers? 


	19. Kick in the Head

Believe you me, I had much fun writing this. Based off a picture that I drew...just visit my homepage and you'll see (the picture is called Magic Mushrooms). Sort of a prequel to the chapter Lunch. Much crack and OOC. Yumichika, Ikkaku, Kenpachi, Yachiru and Unohana. Lots of bad language.

* * *

**Kick in the Head**

Yumichika hummed his way down to the 11th division kitchens, swinging a basket of mushrooms along with him. Ikkaku peered down from his lookout on the roof with some interest. He wondered who he was going to poison this time with his cooking.

"Ikkaku-uu," Yumichika chimed, "Do you want me to cook you some shitake mu-uushroo-oooms?"

"Noo-oo." Ikkaku chimed back. Yumichika shrugged and Ikkaku went back to his companion, sake.

"Taichoo-oo, fukutaichoo-oo, do you want me to cook you some mushrooms?" He heard Yumichika distantly. He laughed out loud when he heard agreements. He had to be there to see the faces of those who'll consume the noxious mix. He hopped off the roof as soon as his sake bottle was finished and he swayed his way to the kitchen. Yumichika was humming away to himself over a wok.

"Hard wok, is it?" Ikkaku said, leaning on the wall. Yumichika turned around with pursed lips.

"What a terrible pun." He criticized, turning back to the mushrooms and rice.

"It's not as bad as your cooking," Ikkaku ducked a flying knife with ease, "but seriously though, what put ya in the mood for cooking?"

"Well, I went for a walk and found these shitake mushrooms in the field and I thought that it'd be nice to make something for once," He twittered, reaching for the spice rack, "it's hard to screw mushrooms up."

"You'd be surprised…smells alright, though it don't smell like shitake." He whiffed the air with apprehension. Yumichika scraped the mushrooms into small bowls of rice.

"It's the spice." Yumichika declared holding both bowls and pushing past Ikkaku. The bald shinigami shrugged and followed him to the office where Kenpachi and Yachiru were waiting for their lunch.

"Yay!" Yachiru cheered as the bowl was set in front of her. She inhaled and it was gone. Kenpachi's eating habits were simular to Yachiru's, although the jaw was seen visibly moving.

"Good." Kenpachi grunted.

"Yeah." Yachiru rubbed her stomach in appreciation. Ikkaku looked on in puzzled disbelief. Yumichika stuck out his tongue at him as they both exited the office.

"What you need is a good kick in the head." Ikkaku growled at him.

"Never expected that, did you?" He gloated.

"No, but, I'm pretty sure that it'll screw up later on." Ikkaku parted, jumping back up to his spot on the roof. Yumichika walked back to the kitchen. Ikkaku didn't believe that Yumichika actually made an edible meal, so his logic led him to think that for Yumichika to make a good meal meant that one of the ingredients was in bad condition. He also needed sake, and that was also in the kitchen. He jumped off the roof.

Once in the empty kitchen, he grabbed a bottle of sake and looked for Yumichika's ingredients. He'd used teriyaki and wasabi, that Ikkaku knew, but Yumichika was very thorough with his cleanup and he had to proceed outside to the garbage to see if there were any remains of the mushrooms. There were and Ikkaku picked up one and examined it. It looked like shitake, but it had a slight pink blush over top. He turned it over and his face blanched. Yellow and black spots on the stem and base, which only meant…

"Yumichika!" Ikkaku roared.

"Ikkaku!" Yumichika cried, running into the kitchen.

"We have an emergency!" they said in unison.

"You gave them Fool's Luck!" Ikkaku pointed at the offending mushroom.

"Taicho and Fukutaicho are running around naked!" They blinked at each other.

"Fuck!" They yelled together as they bashed out of the kitchen. They reached the courtyard only to see two pink figures bounce out of it. Into one of the busiest streets in Seireitei. The two shinigami gave chase.

"I _told_ you they didn't smell like shitake!" Ikkaku snapped at the fifth seat. Yumichika didn't answer, he was crying.

"Chase the rabbits!" Kenpachi roared over the gasps of horror.

"Release the lions!" Yachiru squeaked over the screams of shock. Ikkaku and Yumichika jumped over the people who had gathered to see the naked and hallucinating 11th Division captain and lieutenant.

"Zaraki! Yachiru! Stay where you are!" Ikkaku jumped in front of the uncaring duo.

"Oh no, it's a lightbulb monster!" Yachiru hugged Kenpachi's neck in terror. He backed up and pressed himself against the wall, completely starkers.

"Don't worry Yachiru-chan, it can't see us, we don't have clothes on so we're invisible." Kenpachi assured the naked little girl. Ikkaku's eye twitched; this would be freaking hilarious if it wasn't so serious.

"I can see you." He said. They both screamed and ran in the opposite direction of each other.

"Yumi! Catch Yachiru, I'm going after Zaraki!" Ikkaku ordered. He jumped after the fleeing captain, who was giggling for some inexplicable reason. _Well, that's the damn near scariest thing I've ever heard…Zaraki giggling._

"Explosion! Boom! Onigiri!" Kenpachi laughed right before Ikkaku tackled him to the ground. Kenpachi struggled, very weakly though; it seemed he didn't know if his foot was his hand or if his head was on back to front. Ikkaku slapped him sharply across the face, which caused the bigger man to cry.

"What the _fuck_?!" Ikkaku clutched his head in horror as the naked captain began to bawl louder. _Nope, __**this**__ is the scariest thing I've ever heard._

"I heard that something was going…what in the name of all things good is happening?" Unohana gasped as she came around the corner, looking astounded at the crying Zaraki. Ikkaku looked relieved.

"Unohana-taicho, I didn't think that you were so beautiful and kind until this very moment…please, help him." Ikkaku prostrated himself in front of the 4th division captain pointing at Kenpachi beside him.

"Purdy." Kenpachi sniffed as he saw Unohana.

"He ate a bad mushroom." Ikkaku explained. Unohana nodded and took off her captain's coat and draped it around the huge man.

"Follow the pretty braid," She tickled Kenpachi's nose with her braid, "we're going to the relief station." Kenpachi grabbed onto the braid and she led him all the way to the station.

………

"I'm pissed off." Kenpachi glared at Yumichika, who was looking down at the floor with intense interest. Kenpachi and Yachiru were in beds beside each other after being left to recover in Forth Division from their magic mushroom escapade. Their memories were a little hazy, but they _did_ remember some key humiliating moments. Some of them so humiliating that Yachiru was curled up quietly in her bed, a rare thing.

"I'm very sorry." Yumichika mumbled.

"Che, I know you are, but yer still an idiot." He gritted. Yumichika seemed to shrink into the floor.

"Don't kill him," Ikkaku said, "coz I want to…or at least give him a good kick in the head." He massaged his knuckles threateningly. Kenpachi looked up at Ikkaku.

"Fine. Yumichika, your punishment is to get a kick to the head…and to never, _ever_ cook fer anyone again." He warned. Ikkaku immediately grabbed Yumichika's wrist with a wild grin on his face.

"C'mon, I need to erase some bad memories by replacing them with some good ones." He dragged the other man out until they couldn't be seen from the beds.

"No! Not the face! Not the face!"

* * *

"Release the lions!" is actually something I said in my sleep that was overheard from my friends. That, and "Oh yes, spaghetti does rhyme with ninja." 


	20. Broken

Thanks for all the reviews! They make me all happy and squeee! This one isn't cracktastic, and explores a little into Yumi and Ikkaku's relationship. It has ties to "Rain". I was thinking of disabled people and how bad they feel when they feel that they're a burden to friends; I know my dad felt bad when he was in a motorcycle accident and had to stay in the hospital for half a year, and rehab was nearly two years.

* * *

**Broken**

"This is going to be tough." Ikkaku sighed.

"You _really_ can be an idiot sometimes, Ikkaku." Yumichika sighed with him. Ikkaku was in a rather uncomfortable situation. A few hours earlier, he'd picked a fight with a group of particularly large men with big wooden batons; things didn't go so well and in Ikkaku's words: 'they beat the friggin' crap outta me'. As a result, Ikkaku had two broken arms and a broken leg for his trouble. He was currently lying down in fresh plaster casts.

"Why can't I have a pretty female nurse to look after me?" He whined rhetorically, looking up in the ceiling in dismay. Yumichika's forehead bulged a vein out.

"Are you saying that I'm not pretty enough?" He growled.

"Yumichika, key word: female. You are not one." Ikkaku highlighted.

"If you don't want me to take care of you, I can take my services elsewhere." He got up to leave.

"No! Wait!" Ikkaku made a motion to stop him but winced as he did so, "I…I need you…to help me." He hung his shiny head in shame. Yumichika let out an exasperated sigh.

"Ok, fine, but I'm not scratching an itch any weird body parts, right?" He sat back down at the end of the bed. Ikkaku looked at his casts with a withering glare. His arms were at right angles and his hands only reached down to his lower abdomen, completely immovable.

"Ya would've thought that the doc would've set my arms so at least I reach my-"

"Ah, I don't wanna know." Yumichika raised his hand.

"But, three weeks! I can't go for that long!"

"Like I said, I'm not scratching an itch in any weird body parts. Maybe you could use some other technique." He added slyly.

"Ah screw you. Help me up, I need to take a piss." He grunted, lifting his arms up helplessly. Yumichika sighed and put a shoulder under his comrade's armpit, lifting him up.

And thus began Ikkaku's long six weeks to recovery. Ikkaku found out a few pros when it came to being in casts; girls came up to him, talked to him when he was out basking in the sun and they wrote their names and wishes on the casts. He found out that while Yumichika was a bad cook, he was a good masseuse, as he found out when cramps were getting the better of him. He found that he didn't have to lift a finger for anything. He also found out that life really sucked if he couldn't do anything.

He couldn't walk without help, he couldn't eat without help, and he couldn't clean himself without help; all of which was very humiliating for him. Yumichika did everything: carried him, cleaned him, fed him, clothed him, did everything for him. He felt like a huge baby, even worse, a leech.

He even found out that he missed Yumichika when he wasn't around. Yumichika of course had to leave the house from time to time, to buy food and other essentials and he was often out for hours at a time. Ikkaku meanwhile slept or stared out of the window, watching the clouds go by. It was then he felt alone in the small bare room like a prisoner. He wondered how he managed all those long years alone, wandering around Rukongai with a sword as his only companion.

The day before he was going to be free of his arm casts, Yumichika was washing him down with a cloth.

"Yumichika?"

"Hmmm?"

"Thanks…for helping me…I mean, really, thank you." He muttered in to the air.

"That's alright," Yumichika replied cheerily, "everyone needs help every now and again."

"No, I meant, thank you for bein' there for me in general," Ikkaku explained, "I mean, without you I could be dead in some ditch, knowing how many times you've pulled me outta one. Even now, I can't feed myself, wash myself or even take a shit without you helping me in some way. I feel…pathetic." He bowed his head. Yumichika looked at him in sympathy and leaned over to his ear.

"Listen, I would be dead if you didn't go out of your way to help me. I was in the same position as you, I felt pathetic, a broken man. Do you know what you said to me back then?" He clasped Ikkaku's shoulders.

"No, what?"

"You said: 'If ya fall down seven times, get up eight; stop sulking ya pretty bastard'." Yumichika could feel the smile spreading across Ikkaku's face.

"Oh yeah; I'm one wise bastard, aren't I?" Yumichika wrapped his arms around Ikkaku's slightly damp body, "Whoa, what's this for?"

"I just felt like it." Yumichika smiled into his neck.

"You're gettin' wet."

"I don't care."

"Get of me ya fruitcake."

"No."

"I'd hug you back, but m'arms can't reach that far around."

"I know, that's why I'm hugging for you." Yumichika tightened his hug. Ikkaku released an exasperated sigh, but was grateful.

The next day, Ikkaku was waving his arms in wide circles, happy for the freedom of the restrictive casts. Yumichika walked beside him, smiling quietly to himself as Ikkaku hobbled on a crutch (his leg still wasn't healed yet).

"I can cook! I can clean! I can use chopsticks! I can wank! I caaaaaan wiiiipe my-y aaaaarse!" Ikkaku sang in joy, drawing stares from passersby. Yumichika didn't care, he was just happy.

* * *

Before you ask, no, Yumichika didn't wipe Ikkaku's arse for him, he gave him paper on a stick. Lol.

For the person who asked how Yachiru was caught in the last chapter...Yumichika couldn't grab her so had to get Isane's help, using a combination of the infamous bazooka, net and candy. I the time it took him to catch her, Yachiru graffitiied 'poop' and 'Ikkaku is bald' on every wall within 200m of 11th Division headquarters; raided the kitchens and hung Soi Fong up from her pigtail-rings in the gardens.


	21. Away

Quick update (I'm procrastinating again!) Yachiru annoying people again. Much love, but not much crack. A few of my theories displayed here including where Uruhara's hat comes from.

* * *

**Away**

"Kisuke-sa-an, I'm bored." Yachiru whined as she sprawled across Uruhara's office desk. Outside was raining and everyone had decided it was time for overdue admin business, even Ken-chan. Well, the sotaicho had decided that he'd pull the sake and beer budget if he didn't get anything before five that afternoon, and now Ken-chan had everyone in 11th Division employed to complete the mountain of paperwork.

"Well, un-bore yourself." Uruhara gently swatted the top of her pink head with a fan.

"Whattaya doing anyway?" She pointed at the large diagram he was poring over.

"I, young fukutaicho, am making another gigai. A special one." He commented. Yachiru perked up her head.

"Hey, can you make me some playmates?" Yachiru asked cheerily. Uruhara turned to look at her in surprise.

"Why would you need playmates? I thought your division would provide enough playmates." He asked. Yachiru looked down bashfully.

"Well, they're all fun and all, but I wanna have secret bases and play hide-and-seek and catch dragonflies and play dress-up and play dolls and do all that without my friends being big, tough men!" She said in one breath. Uruhara's mind skipped to someone like Zaraki playing with dolls or catching dragonflies. His brain promptly broke.

"I see your point, chibi-chan," He scratched his scraggly chin, "I know, do you want to help me design a gigai?"

Yachiru nodded her head earnestly, "Yeah!"

"Right!" Uruhara replied cheerily, "What would you like in your gigai?" He reached for a pen and notepaper.

"Well, I don't know if I want a boy or a girl. Ok, I'll have a girl."

"Young Female." He wrote.

"And I want her to be strong too, so we can play racing games and stuff."

"Strong and fast."

"Cute and nice." She hummed.

"Obedient." He chuckled.

"Hey! I didn't say obedient! I said cute 'n' nice!" Yachiru threw a paperweight at him, which he caught promptly without looking up from his notepaper.

"Fine; cute, nice _and_ obedient," He added, "anything else?"

"Well, I'd also like a boy," she twiddled her fingers together bashfully, "so he could be the daddy in Mommy and Daddy games and stuff."

"Well, we'll take one thing at a time. Now scram, I got work to do." He began shooing her out the door.

"Will you tell me when she's finished?" She asked.

"Of course. See ya later, Yachi-chan!" He waved as she put her shoes and jumped up ready to go. She paused, turning to him.

"Ya know; you'd suit a hat." She said.

"I would?" He asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you have hat-hair, but no hat." She stated. He rubbed the top of his head cautiously.

"Maybe you could make a hat for me in return for making friends for you." He smiled.

"Ok! See ya, Kisuke!" She waved as she disappeared into the rain.

………

A few weeks later as she was riding Kenpachi's back, a Hell Butterfly alighted itself upon her head.

_Come to my place, chibi-chan, your friend is nearly ready_ It had said. Yachiru was down by 12th Division long before Kenpachi knew she's left his presence.

"Well, that was quick!" Uruhara exclaimed as she kicked off her shoes at the door.

"Yeah, I just got the message. Where is she?" She jumped up in excitement. Uruhara lead her to the assembling theatres and showed her one table with a small body on it. It seemed that the black-haired girl was alive and sleeping, but Yachiru knew it was just a shell on the table.

"Cute, isn't she?" Uruhara smiled.

"Yeah. It's funny; she's even got the same funny-lookin' bangs as you. 'Cept you've got short blonde hair and she's got long dark hair." She pointed out. Uruhara looked cross-eyed at his own bangs. He shrugged.

"You've got to name her, you know." He said, indicating to the body on the table.

"Me? Name her?" She pointed at herself.

Uruhara nodded, "After all, she was mostly your design."

"Ummm, well, you made her, so I'll join our names together! Her name is: Kisuchiru! No…Yasuke! Kusahara! No, not good either." She floundered for a name.

"None of them sound nice for a girl; what about Momo? Or Mariko? Or Haruka? Yue? All of them are nice girls' names." He suggested. She shook her head.

"I know, her name is Ururu! Sounds cute, ne?" She said triumphantly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep, her name is Ururu."

"Well then," He walked away from the table, Yachiru following him "I'll activate Ururu within the next few weeks…the soul takes a lot longer to build than the body does." He explained, Yachiru nodded.

"I've nearly finished making your hat…I've lotsa mistakes and I've used up so much fabric, but the one I've got now is the best one; once I've finished it, I'll bring it over right away." She said as she was shown the door.

"I can't wait to see it." He smiled cheerily as she pounced away.

Yachiru redoubled the efforts on the hat as soon as she got home, shutting herself away as she concentrated on doing the fine stitching, often unravelling the hat and starting again. One night she completed the hat. She was happy, it didn't fall apart, the stitching was strong and it actually looked like a hat, instead of the sock Kenpachi initially thought it was. She wondered briefly if making a gigai was similar to making a hat: making things didn't off or apart or out, and actually making a human look human. She jumped away with the completed hat to 12th Division.

When she opened the doors, she found it unusually quiet for a late evening. Often Uruhara would invite 2nd, 6th, 13th, 11th and 8th Divisions together for large meals and parties. She snuck off to his office and saw silhouettes of people flickering against the oiled paper of the door. They were talking in hurried voices and there was lots of scuffling. Yachiru thrust that hat under her armpit and drew her zanpakuto. The sound drew attention from on of the people inside and a blade came flying her way, missing the top of her head by less than an inch. She was glad she wasn't taller.

The door slid open and Yoroichi-taicho, Tessai-fukutaicho with a bundle in his arms and Uruhara stood in the doorway.

"It's just Yachiru," Yoroichi sighed.

Uruhara lifted his zanpakuto to Yachiru's neck, "What are you doing here?" He asked menacingly. Yachiru's eyes began to fill with tears. She could face three Menos Grandes, no problem, but facing a serious Uruhara was a different story.

"I…I brought you your hat." She held out the offending clothing item. Uruhara lowered his Zanpakuto.

"I'm sorry," he dropped to one knee, "we thought that…never mind. We're sorry."

"Where are you going?" She trembled in the darkness.

"Away."

"Away? But…but…" She stuttered, shocked.

"We'll be going to the living world for a long time, Yachiru. We may not be back. It's a long and complicated matter, but we have to leave, and soon." He patted her shoulder. She just nodded and gave him the hat.

"I just finished." He smiled and put the green and white hat on.

"It actually suits you." Yoroichi whispered. Tessai nodded in agreement.

"Thanks, Yachiru. Here, I have someone to show you." He took the bundle from Tessai and opened the fabric to see Ururu staring wide-eyed out of it. Yachiru smiled tearfully.

"Hi, Ururu-chan. My name's Yachiru. I'll come and play with you later." She waved. Ururu blinked, not yet understanding speech, as was typical for a newborn soul. Uruhara lifted her up and gave her back to Tessai. They walked out together to the front door into open air.

"We've got to go now," Uruhara tipped her hat at Yachiru, "It was nice knowing you, Yachiru-chan. Stay safe and farewell." And the four of them disappeared into the night leaving Yachiru waving into the empty air, tears on her face.

* * *

Da-aw, fluff. I actually try you use American spelling from time to time because I know a lot of you out there are used to "Mom" and "Bangs" instead of my New Zealand spelling of "mum" and "fringe". 


	22. Insanity

Q&A time with Kenpachi! I love psych tests, seriously, I went through a lot before they eventually diagnosed me with Asperger's syndrome (mild from, I'm not retarded). not-so-subtle-Ken x Uno.

* * *

**Insanity**

"What do you see in this picture?"

"Ink splot."

"What about here?"

"Bigger ink splot."

"And this one?"

"Messy ink splot; why do we have to do this?" Kenpachi growled as he sat across from Unohana.

"It is protocol," She raised another card from her pile, "and here?"

"A cat, I think. But, I don't need to do crazy tests; everyone knows how crazy I am." He muttered. Unohana folded away her ink sheets and picked up a questionnaire.

"We just need to know the extent of your insanity," she replied coyly, making Kenpachi smile, "now; I'll be asking a few questions and you'll have to answer them as truthfully as possible." She flicked out her pen.

"Che, fire away." He waved his hand dismissively.

"Do you cut yourself on a regular basis?"

"I try t'limit myself in fightin', but not to _that_ extent; other fools cut me…if they can." He replied.

"Do you frequently harm small animals and-or children?"

"Uh, no. Unless, I'm hungry." He chuckled. Unohana didn't look too amused.

"Do you have sudden urges to maim and kill the ones you love?"

Kenpachi blinked, "Uh, no. I'll kick their arses, but not kill them."

"Do you have sudden urges to maim and kill in general?"

"Oooo, tough one," He scratched his chin, "Ma-aybe."

"Yes or no, Taicho." Unohana looked at him.

"Fine, yes." He sighed.

"Are you obsessed with anything? If so, please list them."

"Uh, yeah: fighting, drinking and eating. Oh, and screwin', but I'm not _that_ obsessed." He avoided Unohana's professional poker face.

"The question means something that takes over your entire thinking capacity in a day, not your favourite things to do." She corrected him.

"Oh…Uh, fightin'…screwin' and Yachiru - of course separate from each other." He added quickly.

"Are you homosexual?"

"No."

"Do you like any of the following: transgender-relations, anal, vore, cross-dressing, frot, golden showers and bondage? If so, which ones?"

"What sort of question is that?" Kenpachi looked at her mildly shocked.

"It's what the question asks." Unohana tapped the sheet.

"Don't matter, that question has nothin' to do with my sanity. Whoever wrote that was a pervert. So, no." He folded his arms. Unohana scribble quickly on the paper.

"Have you ever raped before?"

"No."

"Feel like raping?"

"No."

"Have been raped?"

"_No._"

"Do you look at child pornography?"

"Fuck no."

"Do you have friends?"

"Yes."

"Do they like you?" She flipped over the first sheet of questions.

"Yeah…when I'm not beating them up."

"Do you have sudden urges to jump from high places?"

"Yeah, with a rope around my neck." He chuckled.

"No joking, Taicho." She waved the pen at him.

"No." He huffed.

"Did you commit suicide in your past life?"

"No…I died young."

"Have you contemplated suicide?"

"…Yes."

"Have you tried to commit suicide?"

"No."

"Do you love causing pain to others?"

"Hmmmmm, I don't _love_ it, as in, I don't get a boner from it; I just cause pain." He shrugged.

"Do you think about having sex with family members?"

"_No_. Geez, what is up with these questions?" He asked rhetorically.

"Have you been the target of bullying?"

"Hmmmmmm, in the long deep dark past of my early childhood, yes. But now, definitely not," He chuckled at the thought of an old memory, "Fuckin' shrimps."

"Do you target people for bullying?"

"Uh," He looked at Unohana out of the corner of his eye; admitting this means admitting bullying the little shrimps under her command, "…Y-Yeah."

"Do you like the taste of blood?"

"Uh…I like my meat rare, so, I guess so."

"Have you eaten a fellow human being before?"

Kenpachi blinked and laughed out loud when something flickered across his mind, "I eat chicks out, does that count?" He grinned.

"No." Unohana tried hard to keep her composure, but her face went red despite of it.

"Then, no. I heard human doesn't taste very nice, so I won't eat it."

"Do you get angry often?"

"…Actually, no," He seemed a little surprised at the thought, "I get ticked off…but not _angry_."

"When was the last time you were truly angry?"

"Shit…years ago; but if you mean by bein' ticked off, this morning when the cooks gave us natto for breakfast. I hate natto." He grumbled.

"Do you ever feel sad?"

"I'm a fuckin' human being, of course I feel sad from time to time."

"Have there been prolonged times when you felt worthless or unappreciated?"

"Hmmm, yeah."

"Have you been diagnosed with depression in the past and are you depressed now?"

"…Depressed? At the moment, I don't know. I'm neither happy nor sad at this point. I _was_ depressed, I could tell." He shrugged.

"And the last few questions: Do you love someone, romantically and-or platonically?"

"Yeah, I've got someone." A shadow of a smile crossed his face.

"Does someone love you?"

"Yeah."

"And finally: do you think you are insane?"

"Yeah, I'm fuckin' mental alright." He nodded. Unohana wrote the last few notes down in her sheet before placing it under her desk.

"And that concludes our session today." She folded her hands together on the desk with a small smile on her face.

"So doc, what's the diagnosis? Am I crazy or not?" He folded his arms behind his head.

"I need to analyse the data before making a conclusion…but I can say that you're saner than some of the other people I've interviewed." She got up from her chair to see him off at the door.

"Oh, really, who?" He followed her to the door.

"I'm not at liability to say; it's completely confidential you know." She pressed her finger against her lips as a promise for silence.

"So I guess I can trust you with all my dirty little secrets then. You must have some good dirt on the other captains out there." He grinned.

"You have no idea. Now shoo." She waved him out the door. He walked out at paused for a bit.

"Mmmm, cannibalism." He said looking slyly at her, making her promptly blush.

* * *

Every morning I'm greeted with a radio show with the promo "How are you finding today? Quite hard going?"  
"Quite."  
"Would you like some methamphetamines?"  
"Stop! Drugs are bad and wrong, and also against the law. Kick start your day with the Edge Morning Madhouse." "Mmm, drug-free invigoration!" "And no sudden urges to maim and kill the ones I love."

And the VAs have these posh 19th century english accents which make it more trippy. I'm surprised I'm not more warped than I already am.

Speaking about 19th century england, for those that were wondering "Tipping the hat" was a way of signalling respect for a woman by lifting the hat off one's head if you were a male. Uruhara probably picked up the gesture in the Meiji era from the english/americans.


	23. Sacrifice

Warning: contains massive MASSIVE spoilers if you do not read the recent manga. Contains character death and speculations. I normally like writing on anything that doesn't actually directly involve storyline and when I go out of that comfort zone, I get burned down _very_ quickly. So I declare this AU, even though I hate AU. This is based off a dream I had when I woke up crying.

* * *

**Sacrifice**

It was that feeling of cold awe that chilled Ikkaku to the core. He stood in the swirling quartz sand of Hueco Mundo, grasping his shattered bankai, watching the heavens light up with a ghostly green aura; the source of the light coming from his friend, Yumichika. The young man had released his secret weapon; his riatsu-draining kidou power from his zanpakuto and wrapped the green feather-like tendrils around every arrancar in Aizen's army. Power was pouring into Yumichika like little rivers into a lake. But even Ikkaku could tell when a lake was to burst.

"Yumichika! Stop!" He called up to his friend in a blind panic. Yumichika looked down and smiled dreamily.

"Idiots," he whispered, but at the same time loud enough that he seemed only a metre away, "I've given you guys an opening; use it." He was right, the arrancar seemed to be slowing down, their breathing more laboured. The shinigami army launched a new assault, their spirits lifted and their previous wounds temporarily forgotten. Ikkaku, however, hacked his way through the arrancar ranks to get closer to Yumichika who was ascending into the air like an angel. The green threads snapped away from slain arrancar, but the flow of riatsu did not stop. Yumichika's body became transparent and full of dazzling greenish-white light.

"Stop! You'll kill yourself!" He yelled above the battle. Yumichika couldn't hear, or he didn't want to. Green threads continued to snap away from his zanpakuto.

Yumichika had always wanted to die beautifully, his last death was so mundane and unimportant, but this really did cater for his needs: painless, special and most all, beautiful. Yumichika could see and hear everything from where he was. He felt like God and in that instant, he was. Omnipresent, he could see the thoughts and hear the memories of every person and hollow from down below. He could hear his friends dying, their last screams echoing in his ears, but he was so distant and detached he didn't care. He understood everything: Kenpachi's sorrow; Ichigo's anguish; Inoue's love; Ishida's determination; Renji's devotion and Byakuya's pain. Self-sacrifice for enlightenment wasn't so bad, he thought. One voice, however, began to make him regret.

"Yumi!" Ikkaku yelled once again as the last thread snapped. Yumichika began to descend, slowly beginning to dim. The bald shinigami raced forward to catch his friend. He caught him, his fingers and arms burning from the intense heat and light coming off him in waves, but he still hung on.

"Hello." Yumichika smiled pleasantly.

"Y'bastard, why didn't you tell me?" Ikkaku asked, gripping him tighter.

"You would've made fun of me."

"Yeah, well, only fer a little while. Yumichika, yer a stupid, stupid idiot." He hung his head. Yumichika gripped his arm tightly in a one armed hug.

"Ikkaku, am I beautiful?" He asked.

"No. You're as ugly as sin…" Ikkaku trailed.

"Haha, is that so?" Yumichika began to close his eyes.

"Don't you dare die on me!" Ikkaku shouted, shaking his body.

"Thank…you, Ikkaku. Goodnight." Yumichika sighed as the last of the light drained away from his body and he lay limply in Ikkaku's arms. He did not breathe in again. Tears fell from Ikkaku's eyes, mingling with the spattered blood on his cheek. He gripped the dead shinigami's robes and began to cry quiet, raw sobs.

Orihime looked at the battle scene where hundreds, perhaps thousands, of shimigami and hollow alike lay dead. Her knees trembled and her eye quivered as she walked through the carnage. Everyone had lost someone they loved, their anguished cries loud in the air. She reached Ichigo, splinters of his hollow mask lay around him as he looked into the dark night sky.

"Kurosaki-kun." She whispered.

"Inoue," He brought his eyes back down to earth and looked at her, "Thank god you're safe." He sighed. Tears brimmed in her eyes and she wrapped her arms around him. He stroked the top of her head as she wept.

"I wish…" He began.

"What?"

"I wish I could bring them back. Our friends." He said. Inoue looked down and her hands went up to her hairpins.

"Kurosaki-kun…I might be able to do that," She looked scared, but her face was full of determination, "Help me." She begged. He paused and nodded.

Enlisting the help from survivors, they began pulling the dead shinigami to a wide open field. It was heart breaking work, finding those that they knew dead and broken: Soifon, Yoiroichi, Hanatarou, Kira, Hisagi, Isane, Iba, Unohana and even some of the Vizaardo, just to name a few. They approached Matsumoto intertwined with Gin's corpse, but found she was still alive. She woke up to tell them that Gin had tried to protect her from Aizen's blade, the leader of the arrancar ruthlessly impaling them both. She refused the offer to revive him, explaining that he died a hero to her and wanted him to remain that way.

Renji carried Rukia's lifeless body to the field followed closely behind with Yumichika; both men were pale and drawn, but had grim determination on their faces.

"Orihime-san, if this works…I'll never know how to repay you." Renji said as he gently laid down Rukia next to Yumichika. Orihime nodded and asked for everyone to stand back. She lifted her delicate hands to her hairpins.

"I reject!" she cried, bringing out the healing fairies of her power. She struggled, the mere capacity of people strained at her soul power. She felt a hand on her shoulder and to her surprise it was Ikkaku's.

"Here, have some of mine." And his soul power flowed in to her. Another hand lighted upon her other shoulder.

"Mine too." Ichigo said.

"Me three." Kenpachi's hand enveloped her head, followed by Yachiru's on top of his. Inoue was a little stunned at the amount of power there was, but she continued to work as hard as she could. Soon, everyone was trying to touch her, trying to channel their power in order to revive their loved one. There was a gasp as one of the corpses sat up, blinking in the golden light of the shield. People began to cry, with hope, with joy. One by one, people began to peel off from Orihime and run over to the ones they thought they had lost.

Ikkaku let go of Orihime when he saw Yumichika gasp for breath. He ran and tackled the newly resurrected shinigami.

"Wah…What?" Yumichika blinked, remembering a feeling of peace, like a long dream. He slowly remember what happened, his eyes widening and teary.

"Yumichika! You're alive! It's a miracle! You're al…yer a fucking _idiot_!" He shook the pretty man angrily.

"Are you crying?" Yumichika asked as Ikkaku brushed his hand under his eyelids.

"No, this fuckin' quartz dust is making my eyes sting like mad," He lied, "Don't fuckin' scare me like that."

"I won't. Hey, am I beautiful?" He asked.

"Ya look like shit." He lied and together they both laughed and cried.

Orihime lowered her arms and her hairpins returned back to normal. She looked at Ichigo, the only one who stood by her at the end of the resurrection, hand still on her shoulder.

"Kurosaki-kun…"

"Call me Ichigo, Orihime."

"Ichigo…" She whispered as they embraced.

* * *

Ok, ok, I heard the mutterings about certain pairings. To be frank, I prefer OrixIchi and RukixRenji than anything else. Up until Renji's backstory I was a rabid RukixIchi fan, after that I believed Renji deserved Rukia. Then Inoue declares her love and single Ichigo became paired! Before that, I was OrixIshida, because it was funny. (I'm also a rabid Yaoi fangirl, but I try to supress the urge to write it, but every now-and-again it comes out :3 ) 


	24. Testament

Short chapter. Something I spewed out during procrastination time last night, ah, exams are coming up. Lots of mixed reviews for last chapter, I like that, it gives me incentive to think about what I have written. The first part of the chapter is shamelessly ripped off the few pages in chapter...whatever, but it's right before Kenpachi fights Tousen and Komamura. Yachiru's thoughts.

* * *

**Testament**

The two captains Komamura and Tousen with their lieutenants stood opposite the clearing to Kenpachi and his crew, escaped ryoka included.

"Ummm, Zaraki taicho…what should we do?" Maki-maki asked nervously as the larger man oozed bloodlust.

"You're in the way. Move." He swung his sword out as a gesture to get lost. The weaker shinigami slumped down.

"Did he have to say it like that?" He moaned to himself.

"Let's go, Mustachio," Yachiru said to the aptly-named shinigami who looked at her in bewilderment at his new nickname, "Ken-chan's having fun. We shouldn't get in his way." She stared at her aforementioned friend in concern, a flash of memory flickering past her eyes, "Ken-chan! We'll go ahead and look for Ichigo! Don't take too long, okay?!" She called out to him.

"Don't worry," He said, looking at his new enemies with an eager eye, "I'll be right there."

Yachiru turned on her foot, grabbed Orihime's wrist and with a smile, ran from the area with ryoka in tow.

"Wait, Yachiru!" Orihime called out behind her, "Are…are you sure about this…leaving Zaraki-san all alone?"

"Yup! Ken-chan won't lose whomever he fights!" She responded clearly and cheerfully.

"Yachiru…" Orihime sighed. Yachiru glanced back for a second at the big-breasted girl. Little did she know that they were far safer away from Kenpachi when he was fighting as possible. And she had a scar as a testament to this fact.

There was a specific reason why the captain of the 11th division fought by himself and why many of his friends and admirers followed this act: and that is not to kill their allies. During the heat of battle, it was common for Kenpachi to confuse friend from foe and often his own riatsu would knock an ally out without him realising it.

Yachiru touched her side unconsciously, and felt the soft scar tissue through her hakama, just above her right hip. She tracked the scar, deep and thin, up towards her belly button where it stopped. Her skin was still young and the scar would fade in time, but the memory wouldn't.

It was back in the Rukongai days, when she was still little, weak and cried a lot. Kenpachi would carry her on his shoulders rather than her clinging on, because her grip wasn't strong enough yet. The day was sunny and both were in a good mood because their stomachs were full and they weren't dead. They walked through a secluded part of the woods and suddenly they were surrounded by evil looking bandits.

Kenpachi was excited; apparently his name wasn't known in the area and he was keen to have a little fun. Yachiru stayed on his back, enjoying the ride and the view. To her it was all a game until she fell off. Kenpachi looked a lot different when she was in the middle of the group he was mowing down. He cut down one man in front of her and swung across to cut another, not realising that his power extended far beyond the point of his sword. She fell, clutching her abdomen in horror and was pinned down by a thug falling on her. The pain was excruciating and it ripped through her body each time she breathed and her thoughts were on fire too.

_It's been a long time, has he forgotten me?_

_I'm sore. It hurts._

_Did he do it on purpose?_

_Where's Ken-chan? This man is smelly._

_Am I going to die?_

In reality, it was only a few minutes as she lay under the man. Kenpachi didn't realise that she had left his shoulders until the last man was down. Suddenly he looked around, bloodlust draining from his eyes, and he saw her underneath the large man, pale and sweaty. With horror, he shoved the corpse aside and picked her up. He thought she was going to die, and it would be his entire fault; he would never forgive himself for cutting down his best and only friend.

He ran. He'd never ran so fast or for so long before and it was hours before he found someone willing and skilled enough to patch her back together. She survived, but she was in recovery for weeks.

And the worst thing was, was that she wouldn't talk to Kenpachi for those weeks, believing that he deliberately cut her on purpose as punishment for falling off his back.

The memory still stung in Yachiru's brain, remembering those weeks of agony that both of them went through. She didn't know him all that well back then and felt ashamed about putting him through that; but then again, she was a little kid and it's hard to explain to little children about the pain they or others feel. She felt a little more mature now but a little tiny part of her inner baby never fully forgave him for his mistake.

She never forgot her lesson and stayed away from his fights whenever they started; it was only commonsense that one did so. She also wants people to realise that the reason Kenpachi fights alone is because that not only does he want to keep the fight all to himself, but he also wants to protect others from himself. Her scar alone is testament to that.

* * *

If you're lucky, I'll put in another update soon, as a reward for doing my assignments. 


	25. 67 Percent

Super Quick Update. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm bored and this kept playing tango in my head when I was supposed to be doing work.

Utter Crack. Pure and utter crack. This is what happens to your mind when it's on the verge of exploding from exam overload. Otherwise, I have no explanation.

* * *

**67 Percent**

Ikkaku found out early on in his relationship with Yumichika that the dark haired man was very sensitive about his sexuality. Well, not sensitive per se, but very, very ambiguous. He had once asked Yumichika about his orientation after a few months of knowing him; the man just chuckled and skirted around the topic altogether. To this day, Ikkaku doesn't know precisely his companion's interests and Yumichika doesn't help. All he knew was that Yumichika flirted with _everyone_ who was decently attractive or he worked with on a regular basis, regardless of sex.

So, Ikkaku made a few conclusions; Yumichika would never be completely gay or straight and his bias would always change. Yumichika was 67 Percent Whatever and that was the closest figure Ikkaku would ever get to figuring out his friend's interests and he promised to himself that he'd never be surprised whatever happened.

Yumichika blew that promise out of the water like a sardine over a depth charge.

It all began when Ikkaku started noticing that Yumichika wasn't around 11th Division as much. He figured it might have something to do with those errands he was running, but they should take more that an hour at the most and Yumichika was gone for most of the day.

"Oi, Renji, do ya know where Yumichika goes to when he skives off?" Ikkaku asked Renji as they sat for sake along with Kira.

"Dunno, I thought you would know, considerin' you know him better." The tattooed shinigami pointed at Ikkaku. He shrugged.

"He's a grown man 'n' all, so I don't keep track of him, but he's got other places to be instead of…wherever the fuck he is."

"Maybe you could follow him and find out." Kira suggested.

"Maybe I should." Ikkaku rubbed his chin.

"Why do you care so much?" Renji asked with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Cos I'm curious, that's all!" Ikkaku retorted.

He took up Kira's suggestion the next day. Yumichika got up early and went for a training session before heading out to collect papers of candidates from the Shinigami Academy. Ikkaku followed closely behind, but not too closely and he'd also 'borrowed' a wig from Yumichika's wardrobe. Actually trying to keep up with the shinigami was a near impossible task and he eventually lost him.

"Damn, where did he go?" Ikkaku muttered, looking around the corner.

"Where did who go?" Ikkaku looked up at Yumichika perched on the balcony. Yumichika was glaring down at him with intense annoyance.

"Uh…" Ikkaku stuttered.

"Is there any reason why you would be stalking me?" He jumped down off the roof, walked over to his bald friend and snatched the wig off his head, "In _my_ wig? Seriously, Ikkaku, it doesn't become you. Too ugly." He brushed the wig of imaginary dust.

"I've been tryin' t'see where you've been going these last few weeks. You do yer job and then piss off for the rest of the day; I wanna know if you've been seeing some hottie that I don't know about." Ikkaku folded his arms and waited for the explanation.

"Oh ho ho ho. Jealous, are we?" Yumichika twittered, hiding his smiling mouth with a hand, "Such an ugly emotion."

"Dammit Yumi, stop playing coy!" He growled.

Yumichika smiled playfully, "Fine. Well, as a matter of fact, I _have_ been seeing someone." He fluttered his hands at Ikkaku.

"Who?"

"Well…"

"_Who?_"

"Se-cre-et." Yumichika smiled devilishly.

Ikkaku roared in frustration, causing the other shinigami to laugh out loud, "No, seriously."

"She doesn't want anyone to know about us yet." Yumichika shrugged.

"She?"

"Why do _you_ sound so surprised?" Yumichika looked outraged. Ikkaku clamped his lips down and began fiddling with his obi.

"Well, it's just that I never thought you'd date anyone, let alone a woman." He confessed.

"Well, thank _you_ for assuming I'm gay." Yumichika quipped sarcastically.

"I didn't assume…" Yumichika glared at him, "Okay, fine, I did assume. But y'never told me anythin' about…anythin'!" He looked guiltily at his friend, "So I had to make up my own theories."

Yumichika sighed at the sky; hand on one hip, "Fine. I'll tell you who it is…but you must promise not to tell anyone for at least two days."

"Okay, okay, tell me." Ikkaku jumped impatiently. Yumichika cusped his hands around Ikkaku's ear and whispered quietly. "No. Way." Ikkaku swallowed. He did not expect _that_.

………

There is a saying that three people can keep a secret as long as two of them were dead. That saying was made redundant in Soul Society because everyone was technically dead, instead there was a saying 'Don't trust 11th Division with secrets'. Yumichika made the mistake that since he was in 11th Division, he would be immune to the effect. He was wrong; 11th division gossiped more than a group of dirty-minded old women.

"Yumichika is dating Soifon!" Ikkaku blurted out over drinks later that night. Renji, Matsumoto, Iba, Hisagi and Kira stared at him in shocked surprise. Ikkaku gulped, knowing he made a horrible mistake, but holding onto a secret like that was like trying to hug a porcupine, he had to let it go.

"Wha-at? Is this true?" Iba gaped.

"Soifon? As in, the captain Soifon? As in, the captain Soifon who has the hots for Yoroichi-"

"Yes, that one." Ikkaku cut Renji off, annoyed. Everyone looked at each other bewildered.

"How do you know?" Kira asked.

"Yumichika told me himself." Ikkaku replied.

"Shit, really?"

"Do you know how long they've been going out?"

"Is it official?"

"Shuddap you lot. Look, I don't know." Ikkaku tried to stop the flow of questions.

"I thought Soifon was a lesbian." Hisagi screwed up his nose in disbelief.

"I thought Yumichika was the gay one." Renji's eyes were wide open in surprise.

"I always thought he was two-thirds gay-straight-bi-asexual whatever." Said Kira.

"Funny, I thought the same way too." Ikkaku agreed.

"So, if they were gay, they wouldn't be attracted to each other normally, would they? So they must be straight in order to get together." Iba concluded, folding his arms across his chest.

"Unless they were into some really kinky stuff." Matsumoto hummed. Her eyes suddenly widened in excitement and her lips curled into an evil smile. The men looked at her in horror.

"Oh no." Kira watched the smile widen.

"Ran-chan, please spare us from your dirty little mind. Don't say it." Renji pleaded.

She said it, "What if Soifon used a strap-on?"

The male shinigamis groaned and collapsed with their heads in their hands, bad images coursing through their heads.

"How can you even think of that stuff, Ran?" Ikkaku pinched his brows together as the involuntary vision of his friend being molested by a big purple dildo wafted past his eyes.

"What? I've heard of it being done, once." She shrugged innocently.

"Rangiku-san. Enough, we don't want to know." Hisagi waved his hands as an attempt to brush the images away.

"I suggest we go find out what they're actually doing." Matsumoto folded her arms across her chest, which was no easy task. The men looked at her blankly, little beads of sweat appearing on their brows.

"I don't like the sound of that idea." Ikkaku frowned.

"C'mon, we don't even know Yumichika's telling the truth. Let's go and see if he really is seeing Soifon and not Omaeda." Matsumoto giggled as the men recoiled painfully from their own thoughts.

………

"I can't believe we actually agreed to do this." Kira shuffled behind Hisagi as the group sneaked around the wall surrounding the 2nd Division headquarters.

"Well, there is this, or sit and be tortured by Matsumoto's evil thoughts." Hisagi replied out of Matsumoto's earshot.

"Well, Yumichika's riatsu is definitely in there. That's confirmed it. C'mon, let's get out of here." Ikkaku tugged on Matsumoto's gi.

"Hold on, we can't see them. I'm scaling the wall." She jumped up and leaned over the wall, the one overlooking Soifon's room.

"You do realise that there are thousands of ninjas swarming around here right?" Ikkaku hissed up at the big busted woman, looking around in the dark night.

"Well be fine. Renji, pass up your sunglasses, I need to use the binocular mode; I think I can see them." She swung out her legs as Renji passed up his glasses. She adjusted the focus and peered through them.

"Let's go before we do something stupider than this." Ikkaku was worried about getting killed by Yumichika if (and when) he found out about this.

"Ah-ha!" Matsumoto laughed in triumph, "I see them!" The curiosity was too great and all the men sprung up to peer over the wall. They all looked through the binoculars and came out with their faces in absolute shock and mild disgust.

"…They do it like normal people…" Renji commented.

"Well there goes my theory." Rangiku shrugged, leaning forward more so she could see better. However, she leaned too far forward and fell arse-over-tit down the other side of the wall. The commotion lead to lights being switched on in the house.

The last thing Ikkaku remembered was thinking shirukens didn't belong in his chest.

………

Ikkaku fluttered his eyes open, focused on the dark object in front of him and then shut them tightly again. One eye opened and peered at the menacing form of Yumichika. He was lying down in a 4th Division bed with several other forms in beds around him; it seemed the ninja attack totally wiped them all out. Ikkaku smiled nervously and awkwardly.

"Sorry?" Not good enough. Yumichika continued to glare at him with rage. Ikkaku looked behind the seething shinigami and saw Kenpachi and Yachiru looking very, very amused. Yumichika would never forgive this as long as he lived.

"I will never forgive you." He growled.

"I figured as much."

"You owe me."

"Of course." Ikkaku sighed. Yumichika turned on his heels and went up to Kenpachi and Yachiru, his face determined.

"What?" Kenpachi asked, staring at the shorter man in confusion. Ikkaku suddenly realised what the other man was planning to do; he began throwing off the sheets.

Yumichika smiled evilly, "Ikkaku paid to sleep with an 80-year-old prostitute." He announced. Ikkaku jumped out of bed, only to have stitches tear. Kenpachi started to crack up, much to Ikkaku's horror, and Yachiru opened the door and shouted down the hall the details of Ikkaku's one-time drunken geriatric escapade from back in the dark ages.

"The hell?" Ikkaku growled at Yumichika.

"Your debt has been paid." Yumichika brushed his hands together. Ikkaku looked at him in disbelief.

"Sorry." He apologised.

"It's okay." Yumichika said.

"You still with Soifon?"

"No." Yumichika sighed, "Too much controversy."

"Was the sex good?" He smiled.

"Fantastic! So, tell me what ugly sex is like." Yumichika twittered.

"Oh, fuck you."

* * *

I watched too much Jerry Springer as a child. 


	26. Smile

Sorry for not updating in a while, I had :gaspshockhorror: exams! You guys are wonderful, really, but some of you scare me at points ; anywho, I'm so freaking excited about the new Bleach chapters and these new fillers, I dunnno yet, but they seem alright. I want to do some fics about that period, but because these fillers could be considered as 'canon', I might not be able to do it. Lol, damn all this canon getting in the way of my fanfiction.

Time for some Byakuya love! Contains some (ok, lots) OOC and some speculation.

* * *

**Smile**

The first time Yachiru saw Byakuya Kuchiki, he was still a lieutenant. She was immediately awed by this shining example of a shinigami: speed, strength, intelligence and a smile that banished all darkness. He was the lieutenant of 13th Division and was well respected by his peers and by his captain as well.

Byakuya was one of the first to greet her as a comrade into the Gotei Thirteen, despite all the criticism and controversy surround her and Kenpachi at the time. He'd introduced himself formally, smiled and as he walked away, Yachiru found some candy left in her hands, a habit Byakuya had picked up from Ukitake.

Byakuya was quiet and his smiles and laughs were quiet, but they were more genuine and free than most people, and it was almost an honour to receive a big belly laugh from the noble. Yachiru would often try to make him laugh by telling tall tales and jokes, or if that didn't work, by tickling him which guaranteed a laugh of some sort. Otherwise Byakuya would retaliate with a joke of his own, leaving her in stitches.

Yachiru often forgot he was the heir of the noble Kuchiki house, even though he was usually always called Kuchiki-sama despite his insistence on calling him Byakuya-sama at most. He was also a bit of a prankster and his main partners-in-crime consisted in Uruhara, Yoroichi and Kaien Shiba; and the four would often train or pay cards together

Byakuya also had a darling wife named Hisana, he laughed louder and harder when she was around. Yachiru could tell it was love: the way Hisana waited for him outside the headquarters at the end of the day; the way he would suddenly scoop her up and carry her over his shoulder, despite death threats coming from her end; the Hell Butterfly messages during lieutenant meetings and how he would sometimes be seen running late in the morning with his hair out of place and his uniform not tied on properly.

From what Yachiru gleaned from Ukitake, there was a huge controversy over their marriage a couple of decades before Yaxhiru's arrival in Seireitei, because Hisana was from Rukongai, something forbidden in a noble house. Apparently Byakuya had to move and break a few traditions to get his way. However, Yachiru later found out from Uruhara that Byakuya met Hisana in a gambling parlour and had a secret tryst for a long time; when his family eventually found out, he was already secretly married to Hisana, with Uruhara and Yoroichi as witnesses to the 'crime'. The family had no choice but to accept her in; that, and Yoroichi refused to lend her ninjas to the elder Kuchiki family for assassination.

When the Captain of the 6th Division retired to the Chamber of the 46, Byakuya was immediately assigned as captain, having been a prime candidate for many years. His attitude changed: he became more serious and more occupied with work. He was playing cards less frequently and was beginning to accept his more formal titles. When Yachiru came around when she had thought up a new story to tell him, he turned her away, explaining he had work to do. She was quite upset and told him her story anyway (she was sitting on his shoulder the entire time), but all she got was a weak smile. She went back to her Ken-chan, disappointed and upset. At least Kenpachi listened and laughed to her story.

At roughly the same time, both Uruhara and Yoroichi disappeared and Hisana first started getting ill. Yachiru had never seen Byakuya so rushed and serious before, his smiles infrequent and sometimes insincere, something that worried Yachiru greatly. She still admired him and he was stronger than ever, but he was becoming sad.

The day his parents died was the day Yachiru knew she would never see any of the old Byakuya again. He walked around with the Kenseiseki in his hair and a blank frown on his face. He was distant and severe and would only answer to either "Kuchiki-taicho" or "Kuchiki-sama", only Kaien, Ukitake and Yachiru would call him otherwise. On top of all this, Hisana was becoming more ill; there were either periods of no improvement or rapid decline. Not even the best doctors could do very much for her. She'd overheard Unohana say that she didn't have very much long to live and Yachiru could only imagine what he would be like after that.

Sure enough, a year later in spring, Yachiru heard the news that Hisana had died. She cried a few tears, mostly for Byakuya but cheered up for the funeral. It was a big, grim and very formal occasion and all captains and lieutenants were invited.A few things stuck in Yachiru's mind that day: how big and uncomfortable her formal kimono was; the cold spring shower that passed over the congrengation; and how blank Byakuya's face was. He showed no emotion: no sadness, pain, remorse or even anger; it was a mask of distant boredom and the sight of which filled Yachiru with blind rage.

And the mask did not slide for weeks afterwards and she was becoming more and more angry with him. Didn't he love Hisana? Then why was he acting like he never had a wife? She wasn't the only one who had noticed the mask and whispers and rumours flew around the noble, but he continued life as arrogantly and seriously as possible. Yachiru found she couldn't enter the same room with him without her feeling the knife-sharp tension in the air. She couldn't take it anymore.

"Bya-chan! You're a –a big doo-doo head!" She kicked Byakuya hard in the shin one morning. They were alone, just passing down one street together.

_Slap!_

Yachiru spun from the back-handed slap Byakuya dealt her. She was more surprised than hurt, but tears welled up all the same.

"You will refer to me as either Kuchiki-sama or –taicho. If you step out of line again, I'm afraid I'll deal with you in my own way." He said grimly, wiping his hakama as if brushing of some filth. Yachiru screwed up her little face.

"I hate you!" She spat and ran away. Yachiru had half expected Byakuya to slice her up with Senbonzakura, but was relieved that he didn't. She ran towards the gardens near the execution hill, where the sakura blossoms were falling. She picked up rocks the scattered around her and threw them at the trees, seeing if the rocks shattered first, or if the trees dented instead. Furious tears streamed down her face as the trees were fighting a losing battle.

"Kusajishi." Byakuya called behind her. Yachiru ignored him, "Kusajishi-fukutaicho."

"I'm sorry, I only answer to 'Yachiru' or 'Yachiru-chan', _Kuchiki-sama_." She stressed, throwing another rock, shattering it in two.

"…Yachiru-chan," He paused, "I've come to apologise to you."

"Fer what? For hitting me? Nah, a _noble_ wouldn't need t'apologise to someone like me." She shrugged exaggeratedly, running over to pick up the stone halves.

"I've come to apologise for whatever I've made you so angry about," Byakuya explained, "and for hitting you." Yachiru turned around and looked at Byakuya. The mask was still on, but his voice sounded sincere.

"Ya know why I'm mad at you? It's – it's because you don't do nothing anymore! You don't frown, you don't smile, you didn't even cry at Hisana-chan's funeral!" She yelled at him, "I miss Bya-chan! I miss his laugh and his jokes! I miss how he would put candy in your pockets without you knowin'! I miss all that! It's like he's dead and some person called '_Kuchiki-sama_' has taken his place and I- and I-" Yachiru began sobbing. Byakuya squatted down and put his hand on her shoulder and Yachiru could see through her tears that the mask was beginning to break. She threw herself into his arms, "I miss _you_, Bya-chan!"

Byakuya wrapped his arms slowly around her, patting her pink hair, "I'm sorry." He said. He sound of her sobs was soon joined by Byakuya's ragged breathing and a catharsis of tears. They huddled together, underneath the falling cherry blossoms until the tears could no longer come. When they let go of each other, Yachiru was immediately jealous of how well Byakuya could, well, cry. The only thing he could show from the episode was tear-stained cheeks. Yachiru on the other hand had puffy red eyes, a dripping nose and a red face. She looked away and sniffed, but glad that the mask had finally been broken.

"You okay?" She asked, wiping her face.

"I should be asking you the same thing." He said, taking a handkerchief out of one of his pockets. She accepted it, blowing her nose, "Thank you." He said.

"You need to smile more, 'kay?" She planted her two thumbs in the corners of his mouth and forced it up into a smile. He was vaguely annoyed, but in an amused way.

"I'll try." He put her hands down, massaging the corners of his mouth. Yachiru saw a shadow of a smile. It wasn't perfect, but it was a start. She looked on the ground beside her and saw the two halves of the rock she had thrown earlier. She had an idea.

"Bya-chan, here," She placed one of the halves in his hand, "When you start becoming more like the Bya-chan I used to know, I'll give you the other half." Byakuya looked at her quizzically and then nodded. With nothing further to be said, Byakuya got up and left the cherry blossom grove, leaving Yachiru behind playing with her rock half.

Yachiru thought he might've thrown away his rock half, but she kept hers just in case. It was a silly and childish thing to hope for a rapid change in his behaviour. But to her surprise, that infuriating mask of his was replaced with a face of calm demeanour. She respected him more than ever, though from a distance. It seemed unlikely he would revert back to his old self, but she thought that she could get used to this new Byakuya.

However, every now and then, when Yachiru would find candy in her pockets just after Byakuya had passed, or see a shadow of a smile on his face, she knew that one of these days she just might have to give him that rock.

* * *

Byakuya plus rock equals OTP 


	27. Storm

Hah! I'm back! Betcha didn't think I was coming back. My excuse for being away for so long: exams and holidays. I can't escape it. Anywho...KENxUNO!!!!!!! And some actual kenxuno rather than them just flirting. I just used the prompt to give me the excuse for SEXTH! Well...implied...never mind. Just read. Oh, and I love making Kenpachi look like a dork. :P Warning: contains fluff and OOC crackiness. Draws references from the chapter "Moon".

* * *

**Storm**

Kenpachi didn't particularly like storms. He'd avoid them if he could; not that he was afraid of them, he just found them very irritating. Rain would wash out his hair and sink into his clothes, and since he was usually the tallest thing around, lightening was a potential hassle. Metal bells on the end of his spikes didn't improve his situation either.

Moreover, at this particular point of time, he was lost, and not to mention, alone. He was trying to get back to the 11th Division Headquarters after a mission but took a wrong turn somewhere. The rain had blurred his surroundings and his usual guide, Yachiru, was also away on a mission. Not that she was the best guide, but she was better than him in any case.

He splashed through the puddles, trying to find a familiar landmark, to no avail. He was seriously thinking of kicking down some walls instead of walking around in circles, at least then he would've marked his trail; then again, the Soutaicho did mention some serious budget cuts the last time Kenpachi used that method. Particulary the sake budget. He decided against that action.

Up ahead he saw a blurred figure walking towards him. It might be time to put his pride away and ask for some directions.

"Hey you, yeah you, can you tell me – oh, Unohana-taicho." He walked up to the 4th division captain. She looked up from underneath her black umbrella with surprise. Kenpachi assumed she was on her week off as she was wearing casual clothes and had a basket full of vegetables and rice in her arms.

"Zaraki-taicho, why on earth are you all the way out here in the rain?" She shifted her load as she looked up at him.

"I'm- er- I'm kinda lost." He explained. One of his spikes flopped pathetically in front of his face as the gel washed out. He slicked it back with a protesting jingle from the bell.

"Hmmm, that probably explains why you're so far out here; you're about an hour away from your division."

"Really? Damn." He muttered. Unohana shifted her weight again.

"Hey, my house isn't far from here…would you like to come in and wait until the storm has passed?" She asked with a smile. He raised his eyebrows slightly; he never thought that _she_ would so casually invite _him_ into his house. He was going to refuse. Lightning flashed ahead of him and he changed his mind.

"Uh, yeah, okay." She smiled and began to lead the way. He shook his head, not knowing what he was getting himself into.

………

He stood in her doorway, huge and dripping wet. Beside him Unohana shook out her umbrella, folded it up and went to get him a towel. This gave him an opportunity to look at his surroundings. The room wasn't too big, nor too small; nice and comfortable with a hearth in the middle and a bed nearby. She lived alone, as far as he could tell and it didn't look lived-in; which seemed to make sense as most shinigami slept near the headquarters they're assigned to, like himself for example.

She hurried back with a towel and he dried himself off and shrugged off his captain's cloak. She made small talk with him, asking him about his mission and his over-all health as he sat in front of the fire. He played along with it, still slightly awkward about being there; if the division found out about this…

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" She asked, holding a daikon radish in one hand as she was unpacking her shopping basket, "I'm making pork stew."

"Sure…"

"Would you like some sake?"

"Will ya have some with me?" Kenpachi smiled, he knew what she was like when drunk.

"Alright, but not too much." She poured him a dish of sake and he poured her one. He always found it funny how lightweight Unohana actually was, for the dish she drank made her relax almost instantly. The house shuddered as a peal of thunder came from above.

"Elephants on the rooftop." He muttered, glancing up.

"Pardon?" Unohana asked, confused.

"Ah," he realised what he just said, "When Yachiru was little, I used t'explain to her that there were elephants on the roof 'n' thunder was when they were moving around and crashin' inta things." Unohana blinked and laughed.

"Well, I've never heard that explanation before…did you make it up?"

"Nah, I heard it from one of my friends when I was a kid; I'd climb up on top of the roof when there was a storm to look fer these elephants 'cept they weren't there. I fell off one night and broke my leg."

"Oh my." Unohana put her hand to her mouth. Kenpachi laughed.

"Don't look so worried. I learnt my lesson…and I taught the kid who told me about the elephants another one. At least I know Yachiru's smarter than me, she didn't believe me fer a second when I told her."

"I probably would've when I was little; I was a gullible child."

"Gullible, huh? You know that word was taken out of the Japanese dictionary?" He smirked.

"Wha- really?" Unohana raised her eyebrows. Kenpachi just smiled at her. Unohana realised and hung her head in her hands, "You're terrible!" She explained while Kenpachi laughed loudly.

"I just wanted t'see how gullible you were." He downed another dish of sake. Kenpachi was beginning to enjoy himself: the company was great, the food good and he found out that he could be such a dork around a beautiful woman.

Yeah, he did admire Unohana; who wouldn't admire a woman whose given name means 'violence'? But at that moment he sat back and actually looked at her. She wasn't pretty like Matsumoto or that chick, Orihime, but she had a mature beauty that not many people could pull off. He liked that. But would she have him? First of all, he wasn't the prettiest flower in the bouquet, actually, pretty far from it, and his personality was raw and harsh; women had left him because of it. She was tolerant, caring and kind. Kenpachi was none of those. They say opposites attract, but how much? Kenpachi was up for a challenge.

"Do ya still dance, Unohana?" He asked. She flushed, remembering the time when she was drunk and danced with him under the moon. That was decades ago, but the memory stayed with her as if it happened yesterday.

"Yes, I do." She replied shyly.

"I remember when you taught me the foxwalk- or something like that."

"Foxtrot." She corrected.

"That's the one," He snapped his fingers together, "d'ya have that old gramophone still?" He paused. Maybe he was being a bit too forward, for she seemed stiff, as if she was ready to run.

"I do…if-if I bring it out, would you like to dance?" She blushed furiously. Kenpachi quirked his lips; that was actually pretty cute, he thought.

"Would'ja dance with me?"

"Yes."

………

They did make an odd dancing couple: the tall man with the eyepatch, scars and bells braided in his hair dancing with a mildly drunk woman who braids her hair down the front of her chest. And the room was too small to dance freely in and the gramophone was old and scratched out the tune. Thunder boomed overhead and the rain spattered against the shutters. They'd forgotten the dance steps some time ago and they were just making things up as the score from 'Carmen' belted out in the background.

She twirled and dipped, while he made sure she didn't fall. Kenpachi was having the best fun he's had in a while, but he was glad no-one but Unohana was watching him. He caught her by the waist and plunged her backwards in a pseudo-tango move. Then suddenly she burst out laughing.

"You laughin' at me?" He growled.

"You have one spike still standing; it looks pretty ridiculous." She tapped the spike. He grabbed the bell and crunched it down to the side of his head.

"Che, satisfied?"

"Quite." She beamed at him.

"Y'know, Unohana, I haveta ask…why the braid down the chest?" He pulled her up. She looked down at her braid.

"Well," She looked sideways bashfully, "I can't do a braid down the back of my head."

"Eh?"

"I can't reach behind me," She tried to reach the small of her back to demonstrate, failing, "Every time I try to braid, it becomes crooked and messy, and so I went down the front. It gives me my own personal flair." Kenpachi laughed as she twirled the end of her braid. He noticed some strands of her hair stuck in the corner of her mouth and he brushed them away with one finger. Unohana looked up at him in surprise.

"Uh, hair. In yer mouth." He explained. She looked down and blushed.

"Zaraki-kun?"

"What?"

"…Never mind."

"…Yer trembling." He felt her shake as he clasped her waist. She looked up at him, her eyes full of determination.

"Forgive me for doing something completely and utterly unprofessional." She apologised in advance.

"Huh? Unohana, whadya-" He never got to finish his sentence as she reached around his head and pulled him down for a kiss. It was sweet, but far too short for his standards. She drew away, very red with a combined look of guilt and pleasure on her face.

"Oh," he commented, his lips still slightly pouted from the kiss, "I see."

"Sorry."

"I'm not." He smirked and gently pulled her up for a much longer kiss. Overhead, thunder rolled across the sky.

………

Pale sunlight fell across Kenpachi's eyelids and he blinked them open. The bed was warm and comfortable and had another occupant. The woman sleeping with her back to him was proof that he didn't have just a wonderful dream. Making sure he didn't disturb Unohana, he snuggled in closer and gently wrapped an arm around her, barely nuzzling her neck.

"Ah, you're awake." She said sleepily, stretching out and turning around in his arms to look at him.

"How long have y'been awake?" He smiled at the woman in his arms.

"Not long." She made herself comfortable on her pillow and closed her eyes with a satisfied smile. He closed his eyes again, tracing a pattern and her bare shoulder with his thumb.

"I should get up soon." He said, with his captain's job in mind, but making no effort to do so.

"Mmmmmm," She replied, eyes still closed, "sounds like the elephants have moved on."

It took him a while to realise what she was talking about, "Ah, yeah, the storm's over…that reminds me – I'm still lost." He realised. Unohana opened her eyes and smiled.

"How about I show you to the company after breakfast…and other pressing matters." She said, huggling in closer.

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

The fluff makes me warm inside. I don't do lemons...very much, I'd prefer my keyboard to stay nosebleed blood free.

Oh! And I'm now studying a Japanese history paper! ph33r the wrath of the Nutrition student with a minor in history!


	28. Dream

Ha, I updated, which can only mean I'm procrastinating. Excuse the following surreal dream sequence, but this contains fluff, even though it's a short chapter. Why, oh why, are the current fillers so bad? -Grinds head into wall- I want the story to come back! I read Harry Potter! Gwargh!

* * *

**Dream**

"_C'mon, we're nearly there." She had said, bounding up the hill much faster than him. The sunset gleamed in her eyes like fire as she looked at him with a bright smile. He smiled back awkwardly, clutching a stitch in his side._

"_I'm comin', Yachiru-san." He gasped, reaching the hill top. She was always faster, he could never catch up. She sat back on the grass, looking comfortable in a threadbare and tattered kimono. He sat next to her, dropping the stolen sake beside him. They were only children, living for the moment because they didn't know if they were going to see the next sunset._

"_Pour me some sake, Gaki-kun." She held out a dish expectantly. He poured quickly, spilling a little in his excitement. He looked out at the disappearing sun over the rooftops of Seireitei, the Court of Pure Souls. It was the closest they had ever been to the private sanctum. As dark descended, he watched fireworks go up, a Shiba family special. He turned to Yachiru but found her gone._

_Gone_

_Gone_

_Gone_

_He stood in a dark lake of nothingness, his very being crushed against an unknown force. He supposed this was the end of the world; until the lake opened up and he stood in that blood-soaked clearing again where he found that child. Before him stood Yachiru, but not his other Yachiru. The pink-haired girl was much older and cocked her head to one side, expecting something._

"_Ne, Ken-chan, where are we?" She asked._

"_You don't know?"_

"_No. Where are we?" She said. He looked around and found himself back at the hill where he watched fireworks all those years ago. A funeral pyre burned in front of him._

"_Oh." He walked up to the fire, afraid to see who was on it._

"_Who is that?" Yachiru pointed, now back to her normal child self._

"_Yachiru." He stated, reaching through the fire and stroking the side of the body's face, the fire not harming him._

"_That's not me." She said. He looked down and could not see the body's face. He turned to find the pink haired girl run away with a giggle and jump off a cliff. He ran to catch her, but the hand from the body on the pyre grasped his wrist. He wrenched his arm away, but the hand kept him put. Yachiru was falling forever; she was in great danger but didn't know it. He wrenched again and the pyre turned to ash and blew away._

_He ran and jumped off the cliff after Yachiru. He fell faster and caught up to her. He grabbed her waist but she exploded into millions of pink petals. Alone, he fell faster and faster and faster into nothingness…_

………

Kenpachi woke up suddenly, his breath catching in his throat. He opened his eyes to the run-down shack he and Yachiru had taken up for the night. The moon poured light through the gaps in the wood, the moon beams slanted over the curves of their prone bodies.

"'S just a dream." He said to himself, the visions quickly fading from his memory as dreams do. He hadn't dreamed in a while, he thought, which was odd. He turned under his blanket, trying to replay the episode in his head as he stared off in the darkness.

He'd forgotten Yachiru's face; not the girl who was sleeping soundly next to him, but the other one. It had been so long ago and he had never counted the years since he last saw her on that pyre, her face withering in the fire like the lotus she held in her fingers. Her eyes, at times he remembered; or her ankles, which always surprised him. A girl shouldn't be remembered for her ankles, but she did have such skinny ankles. He saw a lot of them; she always ran in front of him or waved them as she cart-wheeled over the grass. He felt a lot of sadness and regret when he thought of her. But also of admiration, love and pride.

Beside him Yachiru stirred abruptly and began to snuffle from a nightmare that had woken her.

"C'mere." He rumbled, pulling the child towards him. She rubbed her eyes of tears.

"Bad monster dream," she sniffed, cuddling into his chest.

"Dreams can't hurt ya." He said, already beginning to close his eyes to sleep again.

"Why're you up?"

"Bad monster dream." He stated, wanting sleep.

"I didn't know y'had bad monster dreams, Ken-chan." She yawned.

"I don't. Go to sleep." She was silent for a while.

"Ne, Ken-chan, are you still awake?" she perked her up.

"No."

"Okay." She lay down again, only to perk up again, "Will you protect me from bad monster dreams?"

"'Lright," He mumbled, "will y'protect me from bad monster dreams?" He said with a wry smile.

"Mmkay." She rested her head again, "Hey, Ken-chan."

"Mmmmnf, what?" he asked, sleepily annoyed.

"Goodnight."

"Che," he huffed, "goodnight." _Sweet dreams_.

* * *

I don't want to tempt fate by playing around with canon, but I just put in some ambiguous suggestions to who this other Yachiru might be. Y'know, I was thinking, maybe Kenpachi doesn't know his name because he used to be a hollow? Just a thought. 


	29. Die

Procrastinating again! I've been reading Shogun, which is a really good book if you want to get an introduction to the inner workings of Japanese culture, which is kinda essential if you wanna write about Japanese characters. Uh, this is a rather morbid subject to talk about when you're _alive_, let alone after death. More speculation of character's histories.

* * *

**Die**

Yumichika brought the sake out to the hill overlooking the forest. Ikkaku was waiting along with Renji, Hisagi and Kira. They expected Matsumoto, Iba and maybe even Zaraki and Yachiru to join them later, but for now, they were just waiting for the sun to set and the full moon to rise.

"It's a beautiful evening, ne?" Yumichika asked, pouring sake out to everyone. They nodded, watching the orange glow of the sun on the cedars turn red. Ikkaku smirked, his mind pre-occupied.

"Ah, it brings back memories." Renji stretched; his skin still red and prickly from a fresh tattoo. He cast his mind back to certain childhood memories with a certain Kuchiki and smiled, sipping his sake.

"I think everyone has had memories of sunsets. They certainly leave an imprint on the mind." Kira said. Ikkaku turned to Yumichika.

"Oi, what's the date today?" He asked.

Yumichika was a little surprised, Ikkaku hardly ever asked for the date. "Ah, the Third of August."

"Hmmmf. Funny." Ikkaku snorted.

"What's funny?" Kira asked. Ikkaku looked at the sky, watching as the first star coming out.

"It's the anniversary of my death." He put it bluntly. The others squirmed uncomfortably. Speaking of one's own death and past life was both somewhat taboo and a source of great interest. Yumichika frowned prettily, he realised he hardly knew about Ikkaku's past life, even after all these years of knowing about him. He guessed 14 years of life was nothing compared to several centuries of afterlife.

"You remember it after all this time?" Renji asked, also looking up at the sky, "I don't even remember mine."

"I remember mine," Yumichika said, "It's been burned, so to speak, in my mind."

"I chose to forget." Hisagi muttered; his voice barely audible. Everyone had pained looks in their eyes as they remembered painful memories.

"The sunset is exactly th'same; that's why I brought it up." Everyone was silent for a moment.

"Ikkaku, how _did_ you die?" Yumichika broke the silence, his curiosity piqued. Ikkaku sighed, but he didn't seem offended by the request.

"I had my throat slit watchin' a sunset like this; I was fourteen and a political hostage. My old man was a daimyo and was in one of those power struggles for shogun; I never really understood what the heck was goin' on, you know? I was told to go to the rival daimyo, learn to read, write and practice my sword skills until I was a man at fifteen, then I could go home to see my family.

"Then all of a sudden, I'm sitting, watching the sun set, drinking some tea when some blasted ninja sticks a kunai in my throat. I hate ninjas; sneaky little bastards. They never fight man-to-man." He growled, still incensed at the thought.

"Did you ever see you family after that?" Kira asked.

"Nah, I heard they were massacred though. The old priest that was at my home told me all about it when I saw him again in Rukongai. The date sticks to my head because it was my sister's birthday and I hoped she had got my present. Can't even remember what it was. I don't think I'll recognise my family, even if I did see them, so many years have passed, ne?" He turned to the others.

By this stage, the sun had disappeared in a golden flash of light and the purple cloth of night was descending, "I was executed." Yumichika began.

Heads swivelled around shocked. Yumichika smirked grimly, "Believe me, it wasn't a beautiful death. It was quite painful…"

"Why were ya executed? You don't strike me as the criminal sort." Renji said.

Yumichika flicked his hair from his face, "_I_ didn't do anything wrong; it was my brother's fault. He loved playing with fire and watching things burn; one day, the 9th of January to be precise, my brother decides to light up half of Osaka on purpose. A lot of people died that day, but somehow he survived and was caught. As you guys remember the punishment for arson back then: the whole family of the arsonist was burnt alive…" Yumichika paused, his face swimming with emotion; sadness, anger, pain. He breathed in and continued, "…my mother, brother, sisters, grandparents, nieces, nephews…and even my betrothed."

"You were engaged?" Ikkaku gaped.

"It was arranged by my father before he died. It was a shame, we were only engaged for a few weeks…Mariko should have been spared from the carnage, but she was technically family, so not exempt from punishment."

"Wow," Kira breathed, "did you ever see your family after that?"

"Of course. As far as I know, my family is still living happily in southern rukongai, apart from my brother. I haven't seen him since my death _cough-I-hope-he-burns-in-hell-cough_. Mariko has moved on, and is, apparently, looking after several adopted children." He said with a wry smile.

The sky was now dark and the stars had come out. The full moon rose behind them, the light settling on the cedars like transparent snow.

"I'm sorry to hear about that," Renji said to Yumichika, "I never knew."

"It's all in the past now. Don't worry about it."

"At least you had a story…I died of an infection," Renji shrugged, accepting another dish of sake, "I was only a kid. I never really had an eventful life… the funny thing is, though, I remember who the Shinigami was who used the Soul Burial on me." He smiled.

"Anyone we know?" Hisagi asked.

"Yeah, yer captain!" Renji laughed to the surprise of Hisagi, "Tousen was only a residential shinigami at the time. He wouldn't have remembered me though. I've kinda changed since then and he's – well, blind. No offence. Anyway, he stuck in my mind because he didn't aim his hilt quite right and caught me on the cheek, and he hit me quite hard. I think I was standing a lot closer than he thought." _He also stuck in my mind also because he just happens to be a big, black, blind son-of-a-bitch._

"Funny how things work out." Kira smiled.

"Oi, Kira, what's yer story?" Ikkaku asked, leaning back to look at the blonde shinigami. Kira looked down and away, bashful.

"Well, I don't remember. I was very little. My parents here adopted me and I took their names." He explained. Ikkaku shrugged and turned to Hisagi. He could see Hisagi's jaw twitched.

"I committed seppuku on the orders of my master," He said grimly, "I was a samurai under the daimyo in Izu. I was young too, just fifteen. To put it simply, I failed to protect my master's charge. I should have been executed, but my master favoured me a lot and gave me the honour of taking my own life," He paused and grimaced, "I don't want to relive that experience again."

"That took a lot of guts." Renji nodded, not realising the horrible, accidental pun he'd uttered. Hisagi glared at him, offended, but Renji continued, "I don't think I could just, stab myself and watch my insides-"

"Shuttup. You have no idea what you are talking about." Hisagi snapped. Renji raised his tattooed eyebrows, realising he'd stepped into sensitive territory.

"S-sorry. I'll shut up now." He looked down, ashamed. The arrival of four people broke the awkward silence.

"Awww, we missed the sunset." Yachiru moaned.

"The sun set ages ago, brat, did ya not see?" Kenpachi huffed as the buxom figure of Matsumoto appeared behind him and presented the group with two large, read: _enormous_, bottles of sake.

"Yoo-hooo, everyone!" She waved as Iba passed around bento boxes, "what have I missed?"

"Oh, nothing, just the sun setting and the telling of our life stories." Ikkaku smiled at her, "didya know that Yumichika used to be engaged?" Matsumoto's interest turned to the effeminate man.

"Oooo, _do _tell." She poured him a large dish of sake. Ikkaku laughed as Yumichika tried to fend off some rather personal questions. He looked up at the rising moon, wondering briefly what he had sent to his sister all those years ago and wished her happy birthday, drinking to her thought.

* * *

More to come later. It's midnight and I'm rather tired. 


	30. Soft

More crack for you crack addicts out there. Speaking about crack...I was on eBay the other day looking for a Kenpachi-plushie (shuddap, I know I'm a fangirl) when I stumbled on the Doushinji section and what do I find on there? A freakin' Uke Ken comic. Whut da fook? I'm a yaoi fangirl, but seriously folks, there are certain lines in this universe that shouldn't be crossed and that is one of them...you sell pure crack, someone's gonna overdose, and that person is likely to be me...I made an icon for the occassion and am using it for my profile. :D

* * *

**Soft**

"Ooo, Rangiku-chan, how do you get your hair so soft?" Hinamori stroked the buxom woman's hair. Matsumoto unconsciously flicked her hair.

"Oh, it's not really soft, I really try to; but it's not controllable." She fended off the compliment, but felt pleased all the same. The other women of the Shinigami Women's Association came forward and began touching, both curious and envious at the same time.

"Momo-chan's right, you have extremely soft hair." Unohana petted a few strands.

"Wow! It's like rabbit fur." Rukia gasped.

"Is it natural?"

"It does seem to exceed the usual silkiness that is the norm." Nemu said, also reaching forward.

"Kyaa! I'm so jealous!" Kiyone squirmed brightly.

"I've felt softer." Yachiru stated, rather bored with the current topic.

"Eh?!" Everyone turned to the young fukutaicho in disbelief, including Matsumoto.

"Well, I have." She shrugged.

"Who? Who?" They questioned in unison.

"Ken-chan of course!" She stated with a hint of pride. Of course her Ken-chan had the best of everything. The women stared at her in a moment of awkward silence.

"_Eeeh?!?_" They looked at each other, astounded.

"But isn't…isn't Zaraki-taicho's hair…well, spiky?" Hinamori pointed out imaginary spikes on her own head. Yachiru stared at her and then laughed.

"Silly Plum! Ken-chan's hair isn't _naturally_ spiky! When he washes the gel out, it's sooo soft; soft enough to get feather-boy jealous." She explained. The women's interests perked.

"Is there anyway we can sample a feel from Zaraki-taicho?" Nanao enquired. Yachiru looked down at her tabi, bashful.

"Well, ummm, Ken-chan doesn't like his hair touched very much…he thinks it's gross." She smiled at the memory of the argument between Yumichika and Kenpachi over hair styles. Yumichika would've won because he was so stubborn about it, but Kenpachi reminded him who was stronger. Yumichika couldn't walk for a week afterwards.

"That does pose a problem. Alright girls! Our next goal for the Women's Association is to feel Kenpachi Zaraki's hair!" Matsumoto declared, annoyed that her soft hair position was usurped.

"Say what?" Yachiru gaped, not liking where it was going.

………

"You want us…to help you…to knock taicho out…just to feel his hair?" Ikkaku processed the incomprehensible information, his eyebrow twitching at the same time.

"Well…yes." Matsumoto nodded eagerly. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Well that's goddamn near impossible." Ikkaku shook his head and looked at Yumichika and Renji for guidance.

"Quite hard to do. Unless you happen to have a giant bazooka loaded with a tranquilliser dart and shoot him in the buttocks." Yumichika conceded.

"What, really?" Renji swivelled around, stunned.

"Before your time, Abarai. Funny story, that. I'll tell you at dinner. But seriously, you'll need a massive dose of any drug to get him to sleep, aside from a sledgehammer to the temple. A _big_ sledgehammer." Ikkaku rolled his eyes at the thought.

"Don't even try to sneak up on him while he sleeps," Yumichika added, "Yachiru is the only person who can enter and exit his room with her head still on."

"How can you _live_ with this guy?" Matsumoto asked, stunned.

"Very, _very_ carefully. He's alright once you know the unspoken rules, but be careful all the same."

The room was quiet for a few moments.

"What about that potion the Fourth Division was working on?" Renji suggested, "Y'know, the one that knocks people with low spirit power with a few drops to the skin? Shinten?"

"You'll gonna haveta _bath_ taicho in that stuff…or get him to drink it. Or both…Matsumoto?" Ikkaku looked at her. Her smile broke into a wide grin.

"I have a plan!"

"Shi-it."

………

Kenpachi made his way from the wash house to the onsen alone (well, alone with a few bottles of sake)…Yachiru was nowhere to be found, and the brat needed a bath. He shrugged, knowing that at least he'll get a peaceful soak for once. He turned the tap on, only letting the hot water flow. He liked his bath hot, even by Japanese standards. He saw a large bottle of liquid next to the bath with a note beside it.

_Neh, Ken-chan! I found this new bath stuff you might like. It's really relaxing…but you'll have to pour in the whole bottle! Love Yachiru_. The note was signed in Yachiru's writing. He shrugged and poured the whole bottle in the tub. It smelled medicinal.

He put the basket of sake down and soaked into the tub. He instantly felt himself drowse, which was good. He began to feel around for his sake, but found that it wasn't where he left it. He got up and found that his sake had moved two feet.

"Da hell?" He reached for it and began to attack the sake with gusto…or until he tasted it. He chocked, tasting a flavour he'd never had in sake before…it was rather metallic. He sniffed it and took another sip. His stomach took a dip and little lights went off in his head. Suddenly it felt too hot in the bath and he needed to get out for air. He was halfway out of the bath house when the world began to swim and then…

"Ash Cat to Hornet: Target has fallen. Over." Matsumoto announced eagerly, slipping from her hiding place behind the bath, sipping the sake she'd just traded with the drugged version.

"Hornet to Ash Cat: Roger that. Hornet to Doc; Happy; Grumpy; Sneezy; Sleepy; Bashful; Dopey; Snow White and Wascilly Wabbit: Move in. Over." Soi Fon scaled over the wall like a black cat.

"Happy, Grumpy, Dopey to Ash Cat, Hornet and the rest of ya: You guys are freaks. Over." Ikkaku muttered over the intercom, walking from outside of the house along with Yachiru and Yumichika.

"Agreed." Unohana sighed.

"I _knew _we shoulda made Rukia be codename Wicked Witch," Kiyone moaned, "It would've fit much better with the rest of us."

"Same initials, besides, I don't get how Soi Fon and Rangiku get their own names, eh Sneezy?"

"Fine, fine, we won't argue with Kuchiki-sama then." She teased. Rukia looked thoroughly annoyed.

"I'm gonna tell Kaien about you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Girls, girls, _girls_! Have you lost the target in mind?" Nanao broke up the squabble, pointing at the prone, unconscious, defenceless and rather naked Kenpachi. Everyone made their way over to the man, except for Yachiru, Yumichika, Ikkaku and Unohana, who looked at the group with incredulous eyes.

"His hair _is_ soft!"

"Oh kami-sama, it's like silk!"

The cries from the female crowd disgusted those that were on the sidelines. Ikkaku looked at Unohana, "So, why're you here?"

"To make sure they didn't poison Zaraki-taicho. They left me in the dark about all this and I only found out later…I shouldn't be here," She shook her head, "Why're you here?"

"T'make sure that the taicho doesn't go ballistic on the girls _if_ and _when_ he wakes up." He replied.

"You have no desire to feel what the taicho's hair is like?" She smiled slyly.

"To be honest: I don't fuckin' care." He rubbed his bald scalp unconsciously. Beside them, Yachiru sighed.

"This is all my fault." She moaned.

"Yep." They agreed. Yachiru felt stung from the lack of sympathy. Yumichika felt her thoughts and frowned down at her.

"You accepted a bribe to do this…a candy bribe. A manipulated puppet should not get any sympathy from their peers. It was quite a shameful thing to do, Yachiru, Zaraki-taicho's going to be quite upset." He scolded. Yachiru's eyes began to fill with tears; it was the first time Yumichika had really scolded her and it hit home.

"But…but, it was konpeito…" she sniffed to herself.

"Man, if Zaraki knew he would be surrounded by this many adoring women while naked, he'd give up fighting…for three months." Ikkaku smiled at Yumichika.

"Yeah, probably." Kenpachi said. The women screamed as the giant of a man lifted his head off the ground. They tried to scatter but he was too quick for them and grabbed Matsumoto, Hinamori and Nanao before they can go anywhere. He tucked Matsumoto under his arm and the other two over his opposite shoulder, and began walking off. They squealed in horror, pleading for help from their fast disappearing friends.

Kenpachi didn't look angry, in fact, he was rather amused, "Great head massage." He said to no one in particular. He looked down at Yachiru and his smile fell, "I want to talk to you later."

"O-okay."

"Oi, would you women shuddap fer a second!? If I hurt you lot, I'm gonna get a few bad looks from yer boyfriends. Whose cock-brained idea was this?" He asked Ikkaku. He pointed at Matsumoto.

"You might want to interrogate her about accomplices; y'also might want to talk to a certain red-haired fourth seat as well." He yelled over the screams.

"Fine, you also talk to me later. And find me some goddamn clothes…fer fuck sakes! Shaddap, or I start saying how soft your tits are!"

* * *

Yeah, it was crack. 


	31. No Way Out

Ba-ha, more crack-fluff for you. Takes place pretty soon after Kenpachi and Yachiru join the Gotei Thirteen. Ken and Yachiru's relationship reminds me a lot of my little sister and me/my step father and a few of the senarios I've written are based off a few things that have happened in real life. Dragging her off to somewhere she doesn't want to go is one of them... I've also read too many Calvin and Hobbes comics.

* * *

**No Way Out**

"Let GO!"

"NO!" Yachiru screamed; holding onto the door frame for dear life as Kenpachi tried to push her out the door.

"Y'little cretin, I'm gonna turn you into mincemeat after your appointment." Kenpachi tried pulling this time, and where one of Yachiru's hands were pried free, a foot flung out and lodged in its place.

"I'm not going!"

"Yes you are!" He tried pushing again, only to find a foot stamping on his face.

"No I'm not!"

"Yer breakin' down the door!" He yelled as the door frame began to crack with the pressure of two bodies.

"I'm not breakin' it, you are! Stop pushing on me!" She squealed as he changed tactics and began prying her fingers away.

"We're already late!"

"I don't wanna go!"

"I heard the lady is really nice." He began cajoling her now, but it didn't work.

"She's gonna turn me into a pincushion, that's what! She's gonna shoot me full of germs! Dontcha see?! It's a conspiracy to kill me!" Yachiru wailed and Kenpachi began to back up, finally sick of her stubbornness. He raced forward, ramming the entire wall, along with Yachiru, down with a crash. She got up, brushing away bits of oiled paper and wood splinters, and upon seeing Kenpachi advance towards her, squealed and ran away up to the roof of the building.

"Hey, hey, HEY! Come back here you little runt! Come back down here, or I'll introduce ya to Mr. Sewer and Mrs. Rocks-That-Get-Strapped-To-Feet!" He yelled, running around the building trying to catch up with her. She turned and stuck out her tongue, not planning to come back.

"I dare yo-ou." She chanted. Kenpachi stopped, looked at the wall of the house and kicked it. Suddenly, the roof tiles under Yachiru's feet gave way and the little girl slipped with a wail and fell off the roof. Kenpachi strolled over to the limp body and shook her.

"Oh, good. She's unconscious." He sighed; inwardly glad she wasn't hurt otherwise. He hoisted her onto his shoulder and proceeded to march towards the 4th Division Relief Station. As was customary for new recruits in the Gotei Thirteen, each person had a medical check-up from Captain Unohana and it was Yachiru's turn. However, Yachiru had never had a formal check-up before and was very apprehensive about the whole thing. Kenpachi sighed; it would be hard to explain to the woman why the girl was unconscious when they walked in.

Kenpachi just walked through the 4th Division door when Yachiru regained consciousness and grabbed the thick door frame.

"Give up, we're already here. No way out of this one now." He said, trying to pull her through to the waiting room.

"NO!" She gripped the door even harder. Kenpachi growled with anger.

"Listen to me Yachiru, if you don't co-operate with me right now, I'm gonna split open yer belly and make you eat yer guts and watch them come out as you do-"

"Excuse me, what seems to be the problem here?" A deep male voice asked from behind him. Kenpachi turned around to see Captain Ukitake and his Vice-Captain Kuchiki standing looking quizzical at the struggling pair. Apparently, Ukitake was receiving more medicine for his tuberculosis.

"Uh…kid won't co-operate…she's got an appointment with Unohana." He explained with a sandal planted firmly against his cheek.

"They're trying to kill me! Shoot me up! Help!" She pleaded to them. Ukitake and Byakuya looked at each other, both rather bemused.

"Ah, yes, those infamous shots." Byakuya commented.

"Especially the one that will kill you with laughter." Ukitake nodded solemnly. Kenpachi had to admit, Ukitake was very convicing. Yachiru went white.

"Dying with laughter?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Lemmegolemmegolemmegooooooo!" Yachiru began to kick Kenpachi away.

"Wait, Yachiru-chan, don't you want to know the name of those shots?" Byakuya said ominously. Yachiru stopped kicking and nodded silently.

"They're called…" Ukitake paused and then pounced onto Yachiru, "Tickle Shots!" He attacked Yachiru's stomach and armpits. Byakuya and Kenpachi leapt in as well, tickling the shrieking Yachiru who was twisting in their arms with laughter. When they had finished, Yachiru had let go of the doorframe and had collapsed into complete exhaustion, struggling to keep breath. Kenpachi scooped her up and led her in deeper into the complex, thanking the pair as he left.

Byakuya looked at his captain and pulled out a handkerchief, "Blood." He pointed to the corner of his mouth.

"Thank you, Byakuya. Shouldn't laugh so hard, should I? Hey, are you still ticklish?"

"No, sir, don't even try to…ah! Stop!"

………

"Yachiru, this is Captain Retsu Unohana. Don't give her too much shit, 'right?" Kenpachi pushed the little girl towards the woman, who was still reluctant to walk through. Unohana crouched down to Yachiru's level.

"You must be Vice-Captain Yachiru Kusajishi, welcome to 4th Division." She smiled cheerily.

"Don't shoot me, 'kay Lady?" Yachiru warned, folding her arms, "Otherwise if you kill me, Ken-chan's gonna come in here and slice you up." Unohana's smiled flickered for a bit and she looked up at Kenpachi, who nudged her with his foot.

"So tell me, do you like candy?"

"Lady, does an arse have an arsehole? Course I do!" Yachiru's attitude changed completely.

"Well then, I believe that I have some candy that might interest you." She smiled and led her into her office, briefly looking back at Kenpachi and mouthing the words _does an arse have and arsehole_ back to him with an accusing look. He just shrugged innocently (well as innocently as he could) because that mouth wasn't _entirely_ his fault. Maybe the arse part was; who knows?

* * *

Tickle Shot! -!fangasms!- 


	32. Vacation

A story in two parts! Well...I'm apprehensive about posting these two up coz I find them funny, but...ah, it's just me.

* * *

**Vacation**

Yamamoto looked over the sheet of paper with a small frown. The reports were concerning, but not unmanageable. About 13 Menos Grandes were running around downtown Tokyo with the resident shinigami not able to control them. He sighed, knowing the immediate fix.

"Zaraki-taicho, I have a mission for you." He turned to the enormous man amongst the captains. Kenpachi's head perked up like a fox on a scent.

"What?"

"You're going to Tokyo and you're going to kill Menos Grandes." He said simply. Kenpachi's face brightened.

"Can I bring Yachiru?"

"If you want. You have a week to clean them up. Wait! Don't forget to pick up a gigai!" He called after the quickly disappearing silhouette. He leant back and sighed. Byakuya turned to him from the captain's line.

"Soutaicho. Do you think that this is a good idea? Letting Zaraki and Yachiru run around Tokyo for a week?" He asked.

Yamamoto frowned. It probably wasn't the smartest idea, but it will sure as hell get the job done, "I trust he'll do his job well." He replied. Byakuya stepped back in line, mulling over the ambiguous answer. Shunsui leaned over to him and whispered in his ear.

"Betcha fifty that he'll get it done in three hours of arriving." He grinned. Byakuya looked at him for a silent minute.

"I'll raise you three times that. He'll be finished in exactly one hour and twenty minutes." He replied.

"Done."

………

"Wow! Ken-chan! The buildings are so tall!" Yachiru leant back as far as she could on Kenpachi's back without falling over. They were in downtown Tokyo, enjoying the scenery and ignoring the looks one got when one is a six and a half foot man with an eyepatch and spikes, and the other is a pink-hair girl clutching onto said man,

"The suckers gave us a week. A week! Do they underestimate me or what?" Kenpachi muttered despite the huge grin on his face. He was dressed in a black leather bomber jacket and jeans. Yachiru had a white dress and vest, topped with rose-tinted Lennon sunglasses.

"We're on vacation!" she cheered with a lollipop in her mouth.

"Damn right we are. See any hollows yet?"

"No sign yet, El Capitan!"

"Damn, I want to get this show on the road!" He smacked his fist in his hand. A loud ringing that no ordinary mortal could hear rang around them. Yachiru looked at the hollow sensor.

"There's our signal!" She chimed. They dashed away immediately behind an alleyway and came out shinigami-fied and their gigai Soul-Candied. Over up on the rooftops, they saw the looming shapes of the large and powerful Hollows.

"Whooo-hoooo!" They hooted in joy as they bounded towards the hollows.

………

"Please tell me again…_why_ are you guys in my division?" Kurotsuchi moaned as a group no smaller than fifty crowded around the human-world interlink.

"Don't worry, Kurotsuchi-taicho, we'll be out within the next few hours once Zaraki-taicho finishes his job." Yumichika said as he drew up a booking sheet. Kurotsuchi's yellow eyes narrowed.

"You lot are gambling aren't you?" He looked around the room at some of the grinning faces. None of them were guilty at all.

"…What are the odds?" He asked. Everyone looked at him in surprise.

"Well, it's 2:1 that Zaraki finishes the job in the next hour, 3:7 that he gets lost and loses his gigai. 7:22 he keeps the strongest Hollow for a week and fights it as soon as it heals…and we also have a 1:32 that he'll let Yachiru knock off most of them." Yumichika pointed down his booking sheet. There was a crackle on the intercom, everyone hunched over to listen as Akon put on his headphones.

"_Hiya there! It's Yachiru speaking! We killed all the Hollows off no sweat!"_ There was a collective groan and cheer in the crowd and a subsequent clinking as money exchanged hands.

"How many did each of you kill?" Akon asked intently.

"_I killed three, but Ken-chan killed the rest."_ She replied cheerily. Another groan and cheer.

"…_m…krrsh…"_ The intercom crackled.

"What was that? We couldn't hear you."

"_Ken-ch…Turn right! … Right! No not that way, we'll get lost!"_

"_Idiot! The gigai are this way! How difficult is it to lose our goddamn bodies!?"_ Kenpachi could be heard swearing and there was a lot of running before the intercom cut out. There was another exchange of coins. Byakuya turned to Shunsui with an open palm.

"Pay up, a fair bet's a fair bet." He said. Shunsui reluctantly passed over the bag of coins. Shunsui looked at the clock, exactly one hour and twenty minutes. Damn, Byakuya is better than he looks.

………

"I hate Soul Candy." Kenpachi muttered as he sported a self-inflicted black-eye. He didn't lose his gigai, the stupid thing ran off and he had to sucker-punch it to keep it under control. As soon as he got back, he was going to complain bitterly. And by complaining bitterly, he meant turning a certain 12th division captain into gloop.

"My Soul Candy is cute." Yachiru said from behind his back.

"It's not cute, yours is friggin' mental."

"She's cute AND she's got a rabbit case," Yachiru insisted, "A least I didn't have to punch myself."

"Shaddup shaddup."

"Ne, Ken-chan, what are we supposed to do with this…credit card?" She asked, waving the small flat square of plastic in front of his face.

"Akon said that's used as money. He left some instructions, go look for them." He snatched the card away. He looked around the flickering neon signs, he was searching for a place to sleep but was having no luck. Yachiru pulled out a book from her backpack and flipped through it.

"Wow! There's a lot of notes…The first sentence is 'don't go overboard on the credit card'." She read to him, flicking through the pages.

"Tell me something useful." He gritted.

"Okay, okay. There's a list of places to stay in here."

"Hotel Tokyo." Kenpachi looked up at a huge building. The doors were guarded by two well dressed men and inside the glass revolving doors a warm light emanated, "Is Hotel Tokyo in there?"

"Uh, yeah it is." She said looking up as he proceeded to the doors, "But there's a warning: it says that it is quite expensive."

"Don't worry 'bout it." He stepped past the two concierges into the revolving door. He looked at the door with some apprehension. He moved into a space and tried sliding the door aside with no results.

"Ken-chan…I think you're supposed to push." Yachiru smiled weakly.

"I knew that." He frowned. He pushed the doors around and continued around and around, unsure of when to step out. The concierges looked at him with vaguely amused smiles on their faces. Kenpachi looked at them with a withering glare before stepping out into the hotel foyer.

"You can be quite the idiot ya know." Yachiru giggled.

"Quiet brat." He fumed, watching as a man came up to them and greeted them with polite pomp.

"Good evening, good evening. Are you looking for a place to stay for tonight? Have you made a booking with us?" He said with a simpering smile.

"Uh, We need a place to stay, you got rooms?" He asked gruffly, looking up at the chandeliers and marble stairs.

"Why yes we do…if you follow me this way, we can work a few things out." The man beckoned.

………

"WOW!"

"Uh…"

The room was huge. Yachiru insisted in getting the Honeymoon suite because it sounded better than a normal room. First of all, there were very few things that Kenpachi actually recognised. He assumed the giant square of cushions and fabric was a bed and there were a few tables, and that was pretty much about it. Yachiru bounced off his shoulders and around the room. Kenpachi looked down at the instruction manual for guidance.

"This is a refrigerator. It stores food to keep cold." He pointed to a white block as he read the manual. He opened the door, "Ooo, sake." He reached in and grabbed a bottle. He peered at the screw-top with some doubt. Yachiru took the manual away as Kenpachi looked for a way to open the bottle, gnawing the cap tentatively. She flicked the pages to find what the big glass and plastic cube was for.

"Television. Humans use this to entertain themselves. It is controlled by a small square called a remote control. There is an 'on' button and the numbers are used to change the picture. Warning: there aren't actual people _inside_ the television, they're just recordings." She said, picking up the TV remote. She pressed the on button and the screen erupted in sight and sound. Yachiru squealed in surprise and Kenpachi crushed his sake bottle in his hands.

"Da hell?" He pointed at the screen. Yachiru was hiding behind a chair.

"I dunno Ken-chan." She held the remote out and pressed the buttons. The channel flickered between toons, movies, news and sports. After a while Yachiru and Kenpachi leaned in closer, interested in a news program.

"…_mysterious explosions occurred this afternoon at around 4 pm in Tokyo-"_

"Hey Ken-chan! It's us!" Yachiru pointed at the news footage. Kenpachi peered over with a new sake bottle in his hand.

"Look't me." He tapped the screen.

"You look so totally badass, Ken-chan!" Yachiru beamed as the footage showed Kenpachi ramming a hollow into the side of a building. The humans couldn't even see what was happening. He grinned, taking a sip from his sake, leaning back onto the soft bed. His stomach growled loudly. Yachiru looked up in excitement.

"Time to eat." He announced, getting up from his reclining position. She bounced in delight and jumped on Kenpachi's back.

………

They took their time looking around restaurants and yatai, selecting ones to eat at during the week. They ended up going to a particular place with a red and yellow colour scheme. They bought about twenty Big Macs between them and ate outside, watching the night life come out.

"I'm shakin'." He watched his hands twitch in amazement. Yachiru didn't answer; she was bouncing around the place. Amazing things, sugar highs. Over on the street, there were loud roars as a motorcycle gang growled around the corner. Kenpachi's eyes brightened. He watched as tough looking punks slid off gorgeous, sleek beasts of steel. The cycle's roar reminded him of blood rushing in the ears during a fight, and they looked fast too.

"Ken-chan?" Yachiru queried as she saw a strange warped smile creep across his face.

"I've gotta get me one of those."

* * *

I'm annoyed at my friend, very annoyed. Today we had a lab where one of us had to give a mililiter of blood for analysis, and that person was me; usually I'm very good with blood, but I think it was the sight of people milking blood from my hand that caused me to faint. Yes, you heard right, I fainted at the sight of my own blood...anyway, when I came too, I was fine and continued the lab. Later when we were using the blood sample, I turned around for one second and the damn girl threw away the sample! She thought we were finished! Graaagh! I bleed and fainted for nothing! And now I can't type with both hands :( 


	33. City Vacation Part II

You know, Linkin Park has the best music for Bleach. Well, in my opinion at least. Their new album screams Bleach to me and I already associate "Valentines Day" with Ichigo, "Shadow of the Day" with Inoue and "In Between" for Byakuya...the others I just love. You might other favs, right?

* * *

**City (Vacation Part 2)**

"Ken-chan! Let's get this one!" Yachiru sat on top of a dirt bike. Kenpachi shook his head.

"Nah, it's too small…and not like the ones we saw last night." He said. They looked around the bike yard, seeing the options. Yachiru bounced around, peering into the rear view mirrors and bouncing on seats.

"Yumichika would like this one, ne?" She pointed at a lime green Vesper scooter. Kenpachi nodded. He imagined Yumichika on the damn thing, all cocky because it suited him. He winced at the thought. The salesman had been dismissed ages ago by Kenpachi, mainly because he didn't like the look of him, and quite frankly, the salesman didn't like the look of him either.

"Hey, Yachiru. Over here. I've found what I'm looking for." Kenpachi called her over, stopping at the Harley Davidson collection. He liked the design and the leather, but there was so many to choose from. He decided to call over the salesman.

"What exactly are you after?" He asked, an oily smile spreading across his face.

"Any one of these models. Just something she can ride on as well." He jerked his finger at the pink-haired little girl, who was inspecting a kickstand. Yachiru poked the kickstand and the motorcycle fell over in a crunch. The salesman winced as he evaluated the amount of money the damage caused.

"It don't stand up too well, Ken-chan." She announced, pointing at the damaged vehicle.

"May I interest you in a side car attachment?" The salesman suggested. He directed the shinigami over to where sidecars lined up next to their respective cycles, "these sidecars give passengers comfort and safety as well as-"

"That one." Kenpachi pointed at a motorcycle and sidecar duo with rather flashy paintwork of blue flames.

"Are you sure that this the right cycle for you? I mean-"

"I want that one." He insisted. The salesman was trying to redirect him to more expensive cars.

"How about-"

"No. This one."

"Ok. How about a test drive first?"

………

Kenpachi was grinning like he had just won the best fight he ever had. He sat on top of the cycle, the handle bars in his hands. Yachiru climbed into the sidecar and put on her flowery helmet. Kenpachi kicked on the ignition like he saw the people on television did, and it rumbled like a sleeping monster.

"Alright. You," He pointed at the salesman, "Tell me how to drive this thing."

The salesman gaped.

"You don't know how to ride? Do you even have a licence?"

"Mr. Oily Hair, Ken-chan doesn't need no licence!" Yachiru grinned from her seat.

"So are ya gonna tell me how to make this thing go or what?" Kenpachi growled over the engine.

"Sir, I cannot allow you to do this illegal activity-" Kenpachi gripped the handle bars and turned his wrists. The bike jumped forward.

"Che, found out myself." He laughed and the bike launched forward and squealed away to the road, knocking over a stand of bikes and a few road signs before disappearing, Yachiru's delighted laugh hanging in the air. The salesman ran to the phone…time to call the police.

………

"Watch where you're going!"

"Maniac!"

"Burn in Hell!"

Kenpachi dodged the insults like he dodged oncoming traffic. He didn't know where he was going, and like hell was he going to ask for directions. All that mattered was that he was having some fun.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Yachiru squealed as they dodged another car, the tires emitting black smoke. Kenpachi wondered why the dial in front of him read 150. Behind him he heard sirens.

"D'ya suppose they're for us?" He yelled to Yachiru, looking behind him to see several blue and white cars screaming up to them, lights flashing.

"They wanna catch us, I think!" She yelled back as he nearly collided with a semi-trailer.

"Well, I'll give them a bit of a race around the city. Ready?" He grinned at Yachiru. She grinned back.

"Let's go really fast!"

"Okay…hold on to yer hats 'n' sphincters!" He pushed the gasoline to the max and roared up the now empty highway. The police cars began to fall back and the sirens died away. The duo hooted and cheered.

"We lost them!" Yachiru waved her arms. Kenpachi looked ahead and frowned.

"No. We've been blocked off." Up ahead on the freeway, the police cars and a helicopter blocked the road, the only way out was to turn back, "fuck, how do you stop this thing?"

"Waah! Look out!" Kenpachi lost control of the steering and began to hurtle into the line of cars, spinning as he did so. Yachiru's sidecar broke off and spun around on the road, falling over; but Kenpachi was more concerned about the concrete barrier he was spinning towards.

He didn't quite remember the collision, but it hurt.

Kenpachi was looking at the world upside down, blinking as he saw one of his wheels roll away before pathetically flopping to the ground. Behind it, several policemen ran forward and held out guns and tasers at him. Kenpachi rolled over and got up.

"Freeze!" A buxom policewoman yelled, holding out a taser.

"Sorry, freezin's a bit hard to do…it's summer, y'know." He said weakly, watching Yachiru emerge from the sidecar like a tortoise from its shell, unharmed.

"I said, freeze!" She shot her taser at him, shocking him to the ground.

"Uh," he grunted as he fell. Cops rushed forward and placed handcuffs on him, grinding his face into the asphalt.

"You're under arrest for the theft of a motorcycle; driving recklessly; driving without a licence; driving on the wrong side of the street; driving without a helmet and continued driving after official order to do so. You have the right to remain silent. Whatever you say now will be held against you." The policewoman read Kenpachi his rights.

Kenpachi looked down at the woman with the ample chest and thought for a second, "Tits."

He was really beginning to hate tasers.

………

"Taicho, you look…so ugly." Yumichika winced as he looked through the cell bars at Kenpachi. The big man's gigai was in terrible shape, with massive lacerations from the crash and everything was swollen.

"Come to bail me out, eh?" He asked, getting up from his stool. Yumichika was in his gigai and had Yachiru hanging off his arm.

"Yes. And believe me, the soutaicho is _not_ happy." He sighed. Ikkaku walked in with an officer, smiling.

"You're free to go." The officer opened the cell door, a bit dazed. Ikkaku waved the memory modifier to show his captain. Yachiru ran up to Kenpachi and climbed onto his back.

"Ne, Ken-chan! They put me in a big house with lots of other kids and that's where I saw Baldie and Freaky Feathers and they brought me here and…wow, Ken-chan! Apparently we spent about 500 koku at the hotel! We're way over budget! I found out that the credit card money comes from our incomes!" She said at high speed to Kenpachi as they walked out of the police complex. Kenpachi's frown deepened as he mouthed the word 'five hundred'.

"Shi-it." He said. Yumichika sighed.

"Well, there goes that money we won betting on that you won't last two days without getting into massive financial debt...and getting locked up." He said mournfully. Kenpachi looked at both Yumichika and Ikkaku quizzically.

"Let's just say Taicho, we know you too well." Ikkaku nodded.

* * *

If anyone in Bleach had vehicles, Kenpachi would have a Harley, Yumichika would have a Vesper, Ikkaku and Renji would have some low-riders, Ichigo would have a Ferrari that he doesn't know how to drive (Zangetsu as a driving instructor, lol)...Byakuya would have a Porsche for sure. I can imagine Matsumoto driving a Volkswagen Combi with Toushirou muttering in the passenger seat. Hanatarou on a bicycle! Komamura driving Tousen in a Hummer, anyone? 


	34. Scar

I've been sick :(

UnoxKen in a fluffy moment.

* * *

**Scar**

"How did you get this one?"

"Ichigo."

"This one?"

Tousen."

"And this one?"

"Ichigo again." Kenpachi said. Unohana traced her hand over to the next scar. They were enjoying a rare moment of peace in bed as the snow fell outside. Yachiru had run out into the first snow of winter, dragging Ikkaku and Yumichika with her, fully intending to find out if Hitsugaya was up for a full-scale snowball war. Unohana and Kenpachi decided to sleep in and the conversation had turned to scars.

"Retsu, y'should know where I've gotten my scars; you've patched up most of them." He sighed.

"Well, you have so many."

"I 'spose that's true." He looked down at his bare chest and arms. Unohana poked one fading scar in his lower abdomen.

"Appendix." They both laughed. That incident seemed so long ago but the experience of being shot with a bazooka was still fresh in his mind.

"These ones were from the Arrancar war," Unohana frowned, "Why didn't you get that Orihime girl to patch them up?"

"Ah, she was, y'know, busy resurrecting people. I wasn't going to die anyway, so I didn't bother." He shrugged. Truth was, he was in a seriously bad shape and probably would've died if Ikkaku wasn't nearby to administer first aid.

"I see…are these…bite marks?" Unohana lifted up his forearm, concern spreading on her face. He laughed.

"Those are Yachiru's, before you start thinking about some weird kinky stuff. We were having an argument over food…I think I ate her candy, I'm not sure. She latched on and wouldn't let go, she even left one of her baby teeth in there."

"Strong jaw." Unohana raised her eyebrow.

"You should see her with that jaw-breaker candy stuff; breaks like an egg…a regular nutcracker. I'm gonna pity her boyfriend." He chuckled.

"Kenpachi!" Unohana cried, shocked.

"What?" He dodged a pillow to his face.

"You are the biggest shit-stirrer I know." She straddled him, thumping him with a pillow.

"I know," he grinned, looking up, "but you love it."

"Phfft, you know I do."

"Hey, you got any scars? Didn't see any the last time I checked." Unohana blushed a little.

"Well…I've got one on my leg," she lifted up the leg of her pyjamas to show the long thin scar on her shin, "I got it in my past life. I used to live near the sea and I would play on the rocks all the time with my brother; one day I slipped and I broke my leg, the bone came out to about here," she held her hand a few inches away from the skin, "most painful thing I remember."

"Sheesh, that must've hurt. Was it that you died from?" He asked. Unohana looked down and shook her head.

"I nearly did though; but I didn't die from that." She said. Zaraki looked up at the woman above him and was silent for a moment.

"What did you die from?" He asked. Unohana lifted her neck up and pointed to a small thin scar in the middle of her neck. Most people didn't notice it because her braid always covered it, but that was the intention.

"Junshin…" She stated simply. Junshin was the act of following one's lord into death through ritual suicide. For samurai men, also known as seppuku, it was disembowelling and piercing the heart, usually with the aid of a second helper to cut off the head. For women it was a stab in the throat with a short sword; a swift death.

"You were samurai, huh?" Kenpachi said in a lowered tone.

"Yes," she nodded, "my husband was good friends with his daimyo and was loyal to him; when the daimyo died, and it was our duty to kill ourselves. He killed himself first, I was his second," she sniffed, "I didn't even like my husband: he was selfish, cruel and far too proud; yet I still took my life for him…I was…I was so young, now when I think back; only sixteen…sixteen years old, a wife and a mother..." She looked down and away, her hair falling in front of her face. Kenpachi reached up and pulled her down for a hug, knowing her eyes would be full of tears, but he didn't say anything.

In truth, his mind reeled at these new revelations: marriage, suicide, _kids?_ There was so much about this woman he didn't know about. He'd always assumed that she had always been a captain; she was already a senior captain when he'd arrived at the Court of Pure Souls. Everyone had a history, he inwardly shrugged.

"Kids, huh?" He said after a while. Unohana brushed her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Two: a boy and a girl. The eldest is my little girl, Fumiko. The boy is Jun." She propped herself up with an elbow, looking at him.

"Have ya seen them again?"

"I have, in Rukongai; they recognised me first. They died elderly, so it's so weird to see your kids older than you."

"I bet it is. I'm having enough problems watchin' Yachiru grow breasts and date boys without seeing her get wrinkles." He frowned at the thought, but was glad to change the topic.

"Is Yachiru dating anyone at the moment?" She asked. Kenpachi's perpetual frown deepened even more.

"I hope not…but my spies- I mean, my sources tell me she's been flirtin' with that 10th Division kid lately. Scrawny brat, she needs a better taste in men. You should know better than me anyway, Retsu; you're in the Women's Gossip Club."

"Shinigami Women's Association," she corrected, "and she has said nothing about her current interests. Though, she does get embarrassed if we talk about the random rock in her pocket. Do you know about that?" Unohana hummed.

"Rock? No, what rock?" Kenpachi was confused.

"The rock half she always carries. She's had it for ages; surely you would know."

"Wouldn't have a fuckin' clue." He shook his head. Unohana sighed.

"Never mind then," then her eyebrows furrowed, "you never told me about the scar over your face."

"Oh this?" He tapped the scar over his left eye, "lo-ong story; when I was younger- hold on, my moron senses are tingling." He paused, listening. There was a whistling that seemed to be getting louder.

"Kenpachi, what do you mean by-"

_SMASH!_

A giant snowball crashed into the roof above them, showering the couple in snow, wood and tile splinters. It landed at the end of the bed with another smash. Kenpachi was brushing the snow in his hair when he noticed a familiar pink head sticking out of the snowball.

"Hey, Ken-chan! Retsu-chan!" Yachiru chimed upside down at them.

"Da hell!? What's all this?" Kenpachi growled, rather annoyed that his privacy had been disturbed.

"Fluff-head put us in this giant snowball and threw it!"

"No wonder my moron senses were tinglin'; and where are the other two idiots?"

"In here." She said. Ikkaku's hand burst through the snow and waved. He could hear Yumichika's muffled and incomprehensible reply under the snow, "Hey, can you throw us back?" She asked.

"Sure, whatever." He picked up the ball of snow and jumped on the roof with it, he then threw it in the general direction of 10th Division. He jumped down, brushing off his hands. Unohana was…disturbed, to say the least.

"It sure isn't boring around here." She commented, both of them looking at the gaping hole in the roof. He slid a sly glance at the 4th Division Captain.

"That roof needs to be fixed…I wonder who'll be the Division to do that? Surely not 2nd, it could be 7th, but I think it was the number between Five and Three, I'm sure of it…I wonder who it _could_ be, Retsu?" He turned to her with a grin. She rolled her eyes.

"I'll go call my division," she sighed, "You're such an ass, sometimes."

"Ah, but you love it."

* * *

Yeah, something quick. 


	35. Introductions

I really like all the input you guys give me. This is a replacement from the other Introductions chapter I had at the beginning...but this one is a lot more funnier. I can actually imagine this one happening as opposed to my other crack pieces. I know some of you enjoy YaShiro, ShiroMoto and MomoShiro, and this is a little bit of all. :)

* * *

**Introductions**

Toshirou Hitsugaya tugged at his new captain's cloak, adjusting it so it felt comfortable in some way. It didn't feel like it belonged on his shoulders just yet, after all, he'd really only just graduated from the shinigami academy. The last few years seemed to have breezed by; entering the academy and jumping up levels every few weeks, graduating in a couple of months. He passed his captain's exam a few weeks after that and now he found himself in a recently vacated office of the previous 10th Division captain, whose name always seemed to elude him.

It was a nice office, much bigger than the room at his old home. He was first expecting his new lieutenant to show up then seeing Hinamori for lunch in celebration. He was also annoyed that his lieutenant to show up _before_ him in his office, but apparently her infamy for laziness preceded her…via Hinamori.

But he found someone in his office that did not describe at all his new lieutenant. A small, pink-haired girl was sitting on his desk, watching the clouds drift by out the window, her heels scuffing the desk as she swung them.

"Are you…are you my new lieutenant?" He asked cautiously. The girl turned with raised brows, grinning when she saw who it was.

"Hiya! You must be the new captain!" She waved. Hitsugaya was reasonably confused by the lack of formality.

"And you are?"

"Lieutenant of the 11th Division, Yachiru Kusajishi. Pleased to meet you, Shiro-chan." She beamed. Hitsugaya's mood dropped when he heard of his childhood nickname.

"It's Hitsugaya-taicho to you. Please explain to me why you are in my office when you're not my lieutenant, and where you got that name." He muttered.

"Well…Momo-chan told me a lot about you so I came in here to say 'hello'. Hello!" She explained, jumping off the desk and walking over. Instead of offering her hand to shake, she peered at him closely, "You don't look too much older than me…or too much taller for that matter. I thought you had to be a certain height to be a captain."

He opened and shut his mouth in embarrassment, "I will- I will grow…wait a minute! Out of my office! I'm waiting for my lieutenant!" He tried to push her out the door, which was much harder to do than initially thought.

"But she's already here." Yachiru said, resisting his pushes.

"Eh? But I don't see anyone else." He looked around, seeing if he missed anyone.

"Check the couch. Matsumammary is pretty quiet when she's asleep." Yachiru explained. Hitsugaya stopped with his mission of pushing and went over to the couch. Sure enough, the buxom new lieutenant was sleeping with a shawl draped over her.

"She's sleeping?! I'm going to wake her." He grabbed a shoulder and shook her. Nothing happened.

"She's a pretty heavy sleeper. Nothing's gonna wake her unless she wakes all natural-like." Yachiru explained walking over to the sleeping woman. She started poking a giant breast quite hard, "See?" She looked at the captain. Hitsugaya blushed all the way down to his fingertips.

"Should you be doing that?"

"She doesn't care. If she's your lieutenant, you're gonna hear a lot 'bout them," Yachiru referred to her breasts, "I see why they were eager to get a little boy in as captain, cos I'm sure you don't really care about them either."

"Excuse me, but I-I…I am not a _little_ boy. I am a captain and I'm ordering you to help me wake up my lieutenant." He blushed a darker shade of red. Yachiru laughed at his redness.

"Alright, just shake both her shoulders…she might wake up then." Yachiru said, perching on the arm of the couch above Matsumoto's head. Hitsugaya put his two hands on her shoulders and gave her a firm shaking. Matsumoto's head flopped around and rested on her chest when he stopped. Suddenly, she stretched and her arms reached out and brought the white-haired captain into her chest.

Yachiru found the Hitsugaya's predicament hilarious and bit down on her lip to stop her from laughing out loud. Hitsugaya tried to wrestle the woman off him and find some breathing space amongst the soft tissue against his face.

"Help me!" He barely able to choke out the words as he gasped for air. Yachiru reached down and pulled his hair toward her, so he managed to get his head out from the cleavage, "Ow!" he gasped.

"Stop whinging; most men will sell their _souls_ to get in your position right now." Yachiru giggled. Hitsugaya struggled, the woman was stronger than she looked.

"Well, I'm not _most men_ now, am I?" He growled.

"No, I suppose not; you are a boy after all." She hummed.

"Help me out of this." He struggled even more, but Matsumoto pulled him in even tighter.

"Well…there is one way to wake her." Yachiru said, a shadow of a smile crossing her face.

"What is it?" he demanded. Matsumoto was akin to quicksand; the more one struggled, the harder it is for one to get out.

"A kiss from a man, pure and true, will wake the sleeping princess," She sang, "You are a man-boy, aren't you?" She looked at him incredulously. Hitsugaya returned the stare.

"You _are_ kidding right?"

"No, I'm deadly serious."

"There's no way I'm doing that." He said shaking his head.

"Fine, have it your way: die from boob suffocation. I can see it in the headlines already: Boy Captain Smothered by Ginormous Boobs! Momo-chan Mourns his Passing with a Gripping, but Short, Eulogy." She foretold ominously, spreading her hand across the air as she pronounced the headline. Hitsugaya glared at her.

"Okay, okay. It's just a peck, right? Just a kiss on the cheek."

"Nup, lips."

"_Lips?_"

"Lips." Yachiru nodded. Hitsugaya rolled his eyes mournfully and said a short prayer before steeling himself. He reached up and kissed the woman quickly on the lips, withdrawing as quickly as if he'd been stung. He waited.

Matsumoto snored loudly in his face and rolled in towards the back of the couch, trapping the captain even more. Yachiru was laughing loudly; so hard, in fact, she'd rolled off the arm of the couch and landed with a bump on the floor. She got up and was still laughing when she saw Hitsugaya's glare. It said: _I dislike you, in fact, I hate you and I will kill you as soon as you help me out of this._

"You're funny." She laughed at the boy. He tried to say something but his mouth was gagged by…well; he really didn't want to know. Yachiru bent her head down and whispered something in Matsumoto's ear that sounded a lot like 'sake'.

"….mmm? Where?" Matsumoto turned towards the sound dreamily; "Oh, hello Yachiru…" and she looked down at the boy she was clutching against her chest, "Oh." She said, releasing him. He gasped for fresh air and turned to the pink-haired little girl.

"I'm gonna kill you!" He launched from the couch before Matsumoto even realised what the heck was going on. Yachiru jumped away with an excited squeak, running towards the opening door. She ran behind an entering Hinamori as he was drawing his sword. He stopped mid-run, his feet slipping slightly as he saw his long-time friend.

"What the? Shiro-chan?" Hinamori stuttered, nearly dropping the picnic basket in shock. He sheathed his sword, looking embarrassed. Yachiru popped out from behind Hinamori, sticking out her tongue at him.

"Sorry…um, yeah." He said, looking bashfully at Hinamori and glaring down at Yachiru.

"Getting acquainted with the lieutenants are you?" Hinamori smiled, "Well, we're going to have lunch with some other lieutenants now…you're coming, right Yachiru?" She smiled down behind her.

"Yup." She grinned evilly at Hitsugaya.

"What?" He gulped. This could only mean trouble.

* * *

And Matsumoto still has no idea what is going on. 


	36. War

Hay guys! Miss me? I've missed you, I've been in and out of hospital the last few weeks, but I'm okay now. It kinda killed my creativity for a bit, so this is a slow start getting back into stuff. I watch the Bleach movie! I was so happy with Kenpachi jumping out of the air sounding like a dropping bomb. If bombs cackle, that is. And Soi Fon's part! I laughed so much, cos she saved Yumichika's ass and I thought _!fanfiction!_ Ahahahahaaaa. Never mind me. Carry on. BTW, I took this prompt rather stupidly.

* * *

**War**

No one exactly remembers why or when the animosity between the Fourth and Eleventh Divisions began. Some say Kenpachi started it by demolishing the relief centre when they tried to restrain him in preparation for a compulsory prostate check. He wasn't happy and the feeling was apparently mutual. Also, another theory regards a rumour of a prank that was meant for Hanatarou accidentally springing onto Yumichika. Needless to say, large and painful boils plus Yumichika equals the Terror of a Painful and Horrific Death to All Shinigami Involved.

In any case, the levels of resentment between the two divisions eventually led to war…

"So…the reason why Zaraki-taicho and Unohana-taicho are not present for today's meeting is because…they're boycotting each other's presence?" Yamamoto said each word slowly, the wrinkle generally accepted as his eyelid twitched.

"That is correct, sir." The messenger confirmed. The assembled captains collectively rolled their eyes. Yamamoto sighed.

"So where are said captains?" He asked.

"Fighting, sir. In the general vicinity of Seireitei."

"Fighting? I thought they were boycotting each other's presence…how odd."

"Both divisions are fighting, sir. Everyone." And as extra confirmation a muffled noise of a building collapsing far away rolled across the room.

"They won't kill each other…I don't think. Kenpachi might, but if Unohana has her eye on him, perhaps not."

"Do you want us to stop the fight?" Ukitake asked as another rumbled was heard. Yamamoto was thinking.

"Keep an eye on the situation and make sure no one gets in serious trouble. If there is a bankai or any eyepatches removed, stop it immediately. The situation shall be diffused by this afternoon. I think this fight was the result of a long peacetime, which we all know that Eleventh Division dislikes; an explosion of frustration, so-to-speak. The tensions between the two divisions should be reduced after the fight."

"Is that all, sir?" Ukitake asked.

"Yes, move out. I shall watch the situation too."

………

"So when you said _'I shall watch the situation too'_, what you meant to add _'I'm also going to drink sake and make bets on the fighters'_, right sensei?" Ukitake sighed as he sat beside Yamamoto and Shunsui on top of a building next to the main fighting. The other two were munching on pocky and drinking sake, as into as the fighting as if they were watching a game of football.

"Oh, come on Jyuu-chan, the fighting doesn't even look serious. See? They're only using their fists now." He motioned to the fighters. They'd formed a ring now and only two fighters were in the ring, both muscular and rather bruised.

"C'mon Eleventh!" Yamamoto hooted.

"Oi! Fourth! I have money on you! Beat the other guy to a pulp!" Shunsui yelled. Down below, the fighters looked up at the captains in a moment of blind confusion before returning to their fight. The two fighters swung out and their blows connected. Both fighters fell out cold on the ground and the mass fighting broke out again. Ukitake sighed as the other two began arguing on who won the money.

………

"If I win this fight, you owe me a date." Ikkaku smirked as he swung Houzukimaru lightly at Isane. Isane glowered at him, her zanpakuto ready to be released.

"I don't do dates with people from Eleventh Division." She huffed. She sounded tougher than she felt. Behind her a river flowed and she was effectively trapped.

"I'm disappointed. You're a pretty girl…tall, perhaps, but pretty." Ikkaku said. There was a rustling from the bushes and Iba came out from them, dragging an unconscious Fourth Division member behind him.

"Oh, Ikkaku, whattya up to? Oh? Picking on a girl?" He looked at Isane with interest.

"I'm not picking on her, we were discussing about a date." Ikkaku grinned. Iba shook his head.

"You? On a date? Everyone knows you've got terrible luck with women."

"Shuttup! I'm better than you with women. Right! Isane! Who'd you rather go with? Me or this great big brute of a bastard?" He thumbed at Iba.

"Actually, neither. I prefer not to be asked on a date by sword point." She growled, setting her feet into the dirt. Iba and Ikkaku looked at each other and they withdrew their swords.

"Alright, how 'bout we settle this by janken?" Ikkaku suggested. Isane lowered her sword in confusion.

"Janken?" She asked.

"Yeah, sure. That way, we fight, no one gets hurt, and I get a date, voila! Anyway, I've kicked enough Fourth Division asses today; gotta leave some for the others, y'know." Ikkaku said.

"So the terms of Jaken are?" Isane asked, peering at them suspiciously.

"If I win, I get dinner and a kabuki with you…if you win-"

"-you get a tattoo of a flaming cat." Isane smirked.

"Flaming cat?"

"Flaming cat. On your back. Big one."

"You drive a hard bargain, missy. Ok, Iba are you in this one?" Ikkaku asked.

"Wait, I didn't say you can both be in this one." Isane raised her sword again.

"We win by popular vote." Iba said, "Everyone in agreement, raise their hand." he raised his hand along with the unconscious 4th Division member's. Ikkaku raised his hand too.

"Oooo, you guys are so unfair!" She moaned.

"We were being democratic. 'Course you've the right to complain, but if we both lose, we both get flaming cats on our backs. That'll be shitty, won't it?" Isane thought about it. She would be getting dinner and a date, maybe two, but they were getting their backs permanently marked.

"Alright, I'll do it." She smirked.

………

Byakuya walked through the group of the moaning 4th applying first aid to anyone who needed it to a pink child sitting on top of a pile on unconscious shinigami consisting of both 11th and 4th members.

"Hi, Bya-chan!" She chimed. Byakuya looked around and down at her pile.

"Did you do all this?" he asked, motioning towards the unconscious.

"We-ell, not _all_ of them. Most of them were already fighting when I came, but a kicked a few butts." She pointed at a man obviously finding sitting a painful ordeal.

"I see."

"Got any candy?"

"Some."

"May I have some, puh-leeeeeease?" She wobbled her bottom lip. Byakuya closed his eyes in a half-sigh. He reached in his pocket and drew some out for her.

"Alright." He said.

"Yay! Hey, Bya-chan, sit down here. It's really cool," she motioned to a shinigami back, "I found out if you poke one guy, someone else on the bottom squeaks. Check it out." She began jabbing the upper levels, releasing different moans and yelps of pain from below. Byakuya didn't sit, but began poking all the same.

"How interesting." He commented, poking harder.

"Ain't it?" She smiled. She watched him continue to poke, "Don't go too overboard, I think that's Renji squeaking."

………

"This is so not worth my time, effort and beauty." Yumichika sighed, flicking his hair. He turned from his defeated opponents, clearly bored. He'd walked a few metres when he looked up into the trees.

"You can come out now." He said to the foliage. A few moments later Soi Fon emerged.

"You're pretty good. I hid myself pretty well." She said, perching on a branch.

"I've got good hearing," He said, happier that he got a compliment, "what were you doing up there?"

"Just making sure nobody got seriously hurt. You've got some pretty sweet moves."

"Ah, so you saw my zanpakuto release. I'd appreciate that you don't tell anyone…especially not to my superiors. They'd dropkick me to next Sunday if they found out." He smiled.

"Why don't you tell them? It's so powerful." He asked, leaping from the branch.

"Nah…every man's got to have some secrets. It was beautiful, wasn't it?"

"Very pretty. I haven't seen something like that in a while." She nodded.

"Hey, do you feel like lunch? I've been fighting all morning and I'm starving…and knowing my friends, I won't have any company for a while." He asked. Soi Fon looked at him oddly.

"Sure…I'll come. I haven't had anything either. What about those guys over there?" She looked at the unconscious men behind him.

"They'll be alright. They'll wake up with some memory loss, of course, but nothing else." He waved his hand over the topic. They began walking away from the battle site.

"Right."

"Hey, I need to stop at my place…I've gotta change my clothes."

………

"I give up." Kenpachi's muffled voice floated past Unohana's ear.

"Pardon? I can't hear you in there." She sang.

"…I give up! I surrender! I yield! I give in! Uncle! Truce!" He was yelling now.

"Did you say surrender? Did the great Kenpachi Zaraki admit defeat? I don't believe it." Unohana smiled, looking down at her released Minazuki.

"Yesyesyes. You better bloody believe it, woman! Now let me the fuck out!" Minazuki's check bulged as Kenpachi tried to escape from its mouth.

"Say it nicely, or I'll keep you in there."

She could hear Kenpachi taking a deep breath, "Please Unohana-taicho, let me out of this mouth." He said with obvious restraint.

"Ok, Minazuki, spit him out." She patted the zanpakuto monster. Minazuki did spit him out, though somewhat forcibly. Kenpachi reminded her of a newborn deer: slimy and more than a little wobbly in the legs. Minazuki's saliva had healing and anaesthetic effects, but too much had a paralytic effect. Not too mention that whatever goes into that mouth won't come out without Unohana's command, no matter what the riatsu.

"I'm going to tan your hide!" Kenpachi pointed an accusing finger at her, falling over as he tried to get up "…as soon as I regain feeling in my legs."

"Just stay down before you hurt yourself." Unohana warned as he tipped precariously close to a sharp drop down a flight of stairs.

"Don't worry, Unohana-taicho, I've got him." Yamamoto said, coming up said flight of stairs.

"Yamamoto-soutaicho." Unohana gasped.

"Would you two captains come and see me please." He said with a voice that only meant serious trouble.

"She started it." Kenpachi pointed.

………

"Confiscation of zanpakuto," Ikkaku moaned broom in hand, "_and_ we have to do 4th's chores with them!" In a great display of frustration, he threw the broom down on the ground with a clatter.

"Pick it up;" Yumichika said, resplendent in an apron, gloves, face mask and headscarf, "you might get in more trouble." He threw the garbage bag over his shoulder and marched off in the direction of the pits. Renji swept closer to Ikkaku.

"So how did your date go with Isane?" He asked. This seemed to infuriate Ikkaku even more.

"She stood me up. I had flowers and everything. Iba kept his promise, unlike her." He pointed at the shirtless Iba, flaming cat in full view.

"Poor unlucky shnookums." Renji pouted mockingly. Ikkaku hit Renji with his broom over the head.

"You wanna fight? Sweep! Broom-san!" He brandished the broom like a zanpakuto.

_Smack!_

Kenpachi in a facemask whacked him over the face in way of warning and marched off.

"What's his problem?" Ikkaku said nasally as he pinched his bleeding nose.

"Sewer chores."

"Ah."

* * *

Bahahahaaaaa, yeah, twas stupid. Better ones next time! 


	37. Fairy Tales

Yay! I'm back in the mood for writing! Thanks for all the reviews, they do make me feel better. And thanks for the concern over me in hospital, but I'm fine now. :) Oh! and did I tell you I got an Ichigo plush? Well, I did. It's cool, but it's not really a plush I can cuddle in my sleep. Just a little note, when you suggest something for me to put in my fics, don't make it so detailed that _you_ could write it yourself.

* * *

**Fairy Tale**

"…And Momotaro lived happily ever after. The End." Yumichika closed the book with a snap. Yachiru yawned in Kenpachi's lap.

"I'm still not tired yet." She rubbed her eyes. Kenpachi looked down and caught the contagious yawn.

"I'm tired. Geez, Yumichika, you ought to tell more interesting stories than just fairy tales," He stretched, "I don't want to fall asleep before the brat." Ikkaku lingered in the background, sake in hand. Yumichika looked thoroughly annoyed.

"Well, the idea of fairy tales is to bore you to sleep. Isn't that what we're trying to do with Yachiru?" He asked. Kenpachi shrugged.

"It ain't like she's got to do anythin' in the morning. She can stay up longer. Tell us something more interesting."

"Alright then," Yumichika said with a huff, "I'll tell you a story that'll keep you up for _days_. I learnt it in my kabuki days, and it'll guarantee to scare you witless."

"Ooo, a ghost story. I like ghost stories." Kenpachi said, a smile spreading on his face, "they're full of people fighting and getting killed."

"Puh," Yachiru sniffed, "I'm not scared of ghost stories."

"You'll be scared of this one. It's called: Yotsuya Kaidan."

"Sounds gay." Yachiru sighed.

"I'm leaving." Ikkaku said, lifting himself off the ground, "I still get nightmares from this."

"Baldy's a scaredy cat!" Yachiru mocked. Ikkaku turned to look at her evilly.

"No, I fear for my safety. Every time the story is told, someone _dies_." He foretold ominously. Yachiru looked at Kenpachi and Yumichika for confirmation as they looked solemnly at her.

"Yeah, right. A _story_ can't kill you, right? You're just trying to scare me," Yachiru's voice shook a little, "not that I'm scared or anything."

"I'll come back in a few minutes to make sure no one is being eaten by the ghost of Oiwa; have fun." Ikkaku waved, sliding the door behind him. Yumichika had the shadow of a smile across his face.

"A story that can kill you. I like that." Kenpachi smiled. Yumichika got up and dimmed some of the light for effect.

"Ready?" The other two nodded, "In the deep past there lived a man called Iemon. He was a wicked man who loved women and loved to kill them to marry another-" Yumichika began.

"Bo-oring." Yachiru moaned. Yumichika gave her a brief look of quick death before continuing.

"He married one frail woman called Oiwa. She was very beautiful, with dark hair that went to her waist, but she was often sick, an ailment that began from the beginning of her marriage. Little did she know that Iemon was poisoning her little by little with her medicine that was meant to make her stronger. A few years went by and Iemon found his new target, the beautiful young daughter of his neighbour. It was about this time that Oiwa's father knew what Iemon was doing to his daughter.

"What did Oiwa's father do?" Yachiru asked.

"He couldn't do anything because Iemon found out and smothered him in his sleep. Iemon, now free to complete his plan, gives Oiwa a stronger dose of 'medicine'. Unfortunately for both of them, this did not kill her. Instead, she becomes deformed; clumps of her hair keep falling out as she brushes it, leaving hair all over the place: in food, in clothes. And her face droops, one of her eyes nearly falling out of her socket completely." Yumichika's voice dropped low and deadly.

"Eww." Yachiru shuddered.

"Oiwa goes mad at this new change in her appearance. Iemon kills her, whips her heart out with a katana. Unfortunately, he is spotted by one of his servants and has to kill him too. He then crucifies the two on a door and throws them into the river, claiming to the neighbourhood that he had caught them cheating with each other."

"Bastard." Kenpachi commented.

"Iemon soon is engaged with his neighbour's beautiful daughter. He stands at the aisle waiting for his bride to come down and when she does, he lifts off the veil to find…" He pauses while the other two lean in, engaged into the story, "Oiwa's rotting, disfigured face. Iemon screams and ran to his father-in-law, asking 'is this some kind of joke?' before realising his father-in-law had the face of Oiwa's father. He finds his katana and slaughters them both in front of the congregation. When he stops, he finds that he'd killed his new wife and father in law, the ghostly faces gone. Iemon flees, not wanting to find death at the hands of his bride's family. He flees to the mountains, but at every place he stays at, he finds his bed full of long, dark hair. He starts seeing Oiwa's face in pictures, in his dreams and beside him when he's sleeping," Yumichika smirked as he saw both of them contain a shudder, "Then…"

"Then what?" Kenpachi asked. The room seemed to have gotten both smaller and larger with the oppressive darkness. Whether Kenpachi liked to admit it or not, it _was_ rather damn spooky.

"Then Iemon moves to a cave and beings living like an animal, fishing for his living. But every fish he catches contains hair in its entrails. One evening, he catches something heavy on his line. He reels it in and grabs it. He looks in horror to find that he'd caught the door with the crucified bodies of his wife and servant. The bodies stir and turn to look at him, smiling. They grab his arms and pull him into the river. He escapes, but what he thought were weeds clinging to his body were actually tresses of hair. Iemon flees again, this time back to a Buddhist temple. He sleeps for the night, knowing that he'll be safe from Oiwa under the protection of the monks. He watches the lantern lighting the room…" Yumichika pauses to look at the only lantern flickering in the room. Yachiru heard a squeak of wood and she looked wildly around the room.

"…and?"

"He notices that shadow of the lantern being to grow…and grow…and grow. He sneaks into the corner of the room and sees…"

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRR!" A giant figure jumps down between Yumichika and the pair, covered in matted black hair and a loose eyeball stared at them.

"THE GHOST OF OIWA!!!" Yumichika screamed pointing at the figure. The figure leapt at Yachiru, making slobbering noises. Yachiru screamed in terror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! _Don't_ _eat me! Don't eat meeeeee!_" she ran from Kenpachi's lap, but the figure tackled her, breathing down her neck. The eye stared at her and the face went closer and began to laugh.

The light flickered back into the room as Yumichika, snickering with evil laughter, lit some lanterns. Ikkaku, wearing a long wig of hair and a mask, started to laugh louder and got off Yachiru, who was rigid on the floor with fright.

"Gets them every time." Ikkaku laughed, taking out the egg he used as an eyeball from his mask. Yachiru regained her senses. She ran over and tackled Ikkaku, pummelling her small fists on his torso.

"I so wasn't scared." She sobbed.

"Enough, enough. Get your breath back, brat. Were ya scared, Taicho?" Ikkaku called. He looked at the rigid and unconscious body on the ground, foaming at the mouth. Kenpachi had fainted. "I'll take that as a 'yes'." Ikkaku smirked.

* * *

The story here is actually based off a real kabuki play from the same name (with my own little twists, ha ha). Lots of Japanese horror was based off it, including the original Ring (which is one of the few horror/thrillers to scare me). 


	38. Strategy

Holy Jesus, Mary 'n' Joseph! 300 reviews and 8 C2s! Thank you all!!!

I quite like Yamamoto when he's not being super serious in times of crisis, as people might have noticed in some chapters. I could imagine what discussions would be like between Kenpachi and Yamamoto would be like...verging on the philosophical on Yamamoto's part and heavy hints for fighting on Kenpachi's. A little research for Shogi on this part.

* * *

**Strategy**

It was no secret in Soul Society that Kenpachi wanted to battle the Soutaichō. He'd heard that the elderly man was probably the strongest shinigami ever, and was itching for a chance to fight. But when he finally got his confrontation, shogi wasn't what he had in mind.

Kenpachi looked at the board with its little flat pieces. He'd only found out about the rules a few weeks before, and that was probably the only reason why he still hadn't lost yet. The old man was good, countering his attack with a good move instantly and now he was stuck.

"I dunno why I agreed to do this; everyone knows that I'll get slaughtered in this fight." He muttered, moving one of his pawns. Yamamoto takes that piece immediately away.

"Check." He said. Kenpachi blocked to defend. "Zaraki Taicho, you do underestimate yourself. Though you don't plan ahead, you do some remarkable moves when in danger, and that makes it more difficult for me to beat you." He croaked, moving a rook into position. Kenpachi moves a bishop.

"Nah, I call it a fluke. Besides, I've only got four pieces left; you've nearly got all of yours." He held up one of the Soutaicho's pawns, the only piece he'd taken.

"You can still win," Yamamoto moves another piece, not taking anything, "though doing so would be a difficult feat." Kenpachi saw his moves now, he was making a double trap, and he was one move away from making it. He stops it by putting his one remaining pawn up for attack and sacrifice. Yamamoto takes it, visibly annoyed that his trap had been sprung. But Kenpachi was in trouble now and was thinking about asking for best out of three. He could make one move and end the game, but one of Yamamoto's knights was in the way and to take it spelled certain doom. The Soutaicho saw this dilemma and sat back, a small gloating smile on his face, slightly reminiscent of Yumichika when he wins an argument.

"Your move." Yamamoto pointed out.

"I know, I know. Don't rush me." Kenpachi stared at the board looking for possible moves to get him out of this situation. Oh, how he wished he could get this over and done with and maybe have a battle with swords and fire and all that shit.

Suddenly, a flurry of feathers settled on the board. Before they had time to act, a crow had picked up the knight opposing Kenpachi's move and had flew away. Kenpachi looked up and down, between the board and the disappearing crow. With a smile that showed his scary ragged teeth, he moved his bishop into position.

"Check. Mate." He slammed the bishop down in triumph, a gloating smile appearing on his face while Yamamoto's drained away.

"I must protest. We can't finish the game with a piece missing." He began.

"Course we can; see? Those are my missin' pieces." He pointed at Yamamoto's pile of taken pieces.

"But that's part of the game. A piece was taken by an outside force." He pointed in the direction of the crow.

"Are you saying that an outside force doesn't change the course of battle?" Kenpachi folded his arms, ready to fight for upholding his win.

"But this is a game."

"But the strategy is the same in the game as in war. T'me, it sounds like you're denyin' the existence of the _kamikaze_." Kenpachi nodded in finality. The _kamikaze_, Yamamoto thought, the Divine Wind. It was the only thing that stopped Japan from being slaughtered by China in the ancient times: a typhoon sinking the enormous Chinese navy to the bottom of the sea on the way to invade Japan. As shinigami, divine beings themselves, they should not deny the right of Divine Interference. Kenpachi had a point there.

"So Divine Interference decides the course of battle?" Yamamoto pursed his lips.

Kenpachi nodded, "Yeah. Strategy is important of course, but you can't deny outside forces 'n' stuff."

"So you won through Divine Interference, hmmm?"

"Yep."

"Fine. I concede defeat." The Soutaicho smiled. Kenpachi looked up in surprise; he hadn't expected to win the debate, "best out of three?"

"Aw, let's go fight. C'mo-on." He tapped the hilt of his zanpakuto expectantly. The Soutaicho perked an eyebrow at him.

"We need to work on your strategy; it's still not perfect," He said, rearranging the board, "you can't depend on divine interference all the time." He replaced the missing knight with a small coin. Kenpachi slumped.

"You're just scared that I'll defeat you with the eyepatch" He pointed at the right eye.

"I don't think me being beaten by a small piece of fabric is very likely. What you should be afraid of is my bishop-lance-pawn combo," He picked up his three pieces in question and waggled them childishly, "Fe-ear them."

"Is that a challenge?" Kenpachi grinned.

"Damn right. Your move."

* * *

Okay, vpsnake, I understand you enthusiasm promoting you idea, but I dislike the general idea. _If_ I go through with it, it would be totally unrecognisable in your eyes. If you really want the fic written in the way you imagine it, I'm sure you're more than capable pulling it off yourself. I'm not being a bitch, but I'm just telling you I don't like being told what to do. 


	39. Kiss

Yachiru's first kiss. Ah ahahahaaaaa, need I say more?

* * *

**Kiss**

The midsummer festival was a night full of sound, smell and sights. Yachiru always loved the festivals and the multitude of sweets and games to play. She'd buy silly masks with Ken-chan; twirl around in pretty yukata with Yumichika; drink tea and eat candy with Ukitake when he was feeling up to it; eat spicy ramen with Byakuya; dance with Unohana and Nanao; watch the fireworks with Ikkaku; eat taiyaki with Renji and Rukia; and finally, sneak some sake (well, get given some from Kyoraku and Matsumoto) when everyone else wasn't looking.

She was missing someone. After she had her piggy-back ride from Komamura and bought pinwheels with Yamamoto, she went in search of Toushiro. She was feeling buzzed from all the candy and alcohol from earlier, and so wandered off from her mission more often than not. She spied people snuggling in the shadows, like Nanao and Kyoraku and noticed people walking hand in hand…like Iba and Isane for some reason. She shook her head and walked up to a bridge in the gardens and sure enough, found Toushiro looking at the carp in the pond.

"Watchya doing up here all alone?" Yachiru asked, taking off her fox mask as she drew near. Toushiro looked up and smiled quietly.

"Oh, hello Kusajishi fukutaicho." He said. This received a wallop on the head via a pointy pinwheel.

"It's Yachiru. We're off duty, silly." She said, removing the pinwheel from his head, "you look bored and friendless."

"I'm not bored or friendless," he grumbled, rubbing his head, "I just wanted to get away from the heat and the noise for a bit."

"Alright. Hey, d'ya wanna get a snowcone?" She asked excitedly, "I saw a stall just back there." She pointed down where she came from, "It will cure your boredom and friendlessness and cool you down at the same time!"

"And the noise? Just exactly how much sugar have you had tonight?" Toshiro asked, noticing his hand being pulled more furiously that usual.

"Not much…come o-on, my treat." She pleaded.

"Okay, fine." He groaned, not that he didn't want to. In fact, he was looking forward to a nice cold snowcone on this mild night; it's just that he didn't know how to handle her hyper-enthusiasm. They reached the stall and ordered two snowcones, Yachiru asking seriously whether the lemon was _really_ lemon. Toushiro chuckled under his breath as he reached up for his blue-coloured snowcone (he never knew what flavour it was meant to represent, but artificial colours and flavours tasted really good) while Yachiru was already eating her cherry one.

As they walked back to the bridge, they saw Sentaro and Kiyone walking past, giggling into each others arms.

"Geez, it seems like everyone is kissing everyone else." Toshiro rolled his eyes.

"You noticed that too?" Yachiru said, her lips stained pink from the snowcone, "it's a real orgy out here." Toshiro coughed on his blue ice.

"Do you know what orgy _means_?"

"Course I do, don't you? I can explain it to you."

"No no, never mind." He flushed, which was at odd contrast to his blue lips. At the bridge, as they looked out over the lake, they could see an unidentifiable couple kissing under the trees. He rolled his eyes and looked away, but Yachiru looked at them curiously.

"Hey, Toshiro-kun, have you ever been kissed before?" Yachiru asked him.

"No," he shook his head, "have you?"

"Nah; don't have anyone to kiss; if I did kiss anyone else, Ken-chan would rip him apart quicker than you can scream 'paedophile!'." She laughed. But she did have a point; she may be older than some of the people in Seireitei, she was still stuck in the body and mind of a child, "Besides, I thought you would've kissed Momo-chan."

"Momo is more like…my older sister," He said grudgingly, "Besides, she likes someone else…" he drifted. They were silent for a second.

"Hey, do you want to kiss?" Yachiru asked. Toshiro almost swallowed a big chunk of ice down the wrong way.

"Pardon?" He spluttered.

"Do you want to kiss, y'know, to see want all the fuss is about?" She suggested, looking way calmer than he was. Toshiro looked around, panicky.

"But don't we have a professional relationship?" He strained a whisper.

"Che, like that ever prevented anything." She thumbed over her shoulder at Gin and Matsumoto in the distance. Toshiro winced and looked down at Yachiru…he _was_ curious. He had to remind himself that he was still a kid, whether he liked it or not, and so was she.

"So, I'm not your boyfriend or anything after we do this?" He asked.

"Nup. I'm gonna get a real boyfriend who is a lot taller and darker than you, so you don't hafta worry." She grinned. Toshiro felt strangely deflated, as if his ego had a leak.

"Zaraki won't kill me?"

"What he doesn't know, won't hurt him. Or you."

"Alright then…" Toshiro looked down at her lips, scared, it was a more harrowing experience than he expected. They were so small, what if he missed? He screwed up his eyes and planted his lips on something soft. He stayed for a few seconds before pulling off, opening his eyes with a dazed expression on his face. She looked up at him with a frown.

"You didn't use your tongue." She said.

"Was I supposed to?" He looked horrified at the thought. Yachiru didn't give him too much time to be horrified because she dragged his head down and kissed him again, this time with an open mouth. What he experienced now was hot and wet and ticklish. She broke off and they looked at each other, both surprised. Then they spat to each side in childish disgust.

"Is _that_ was grown-ups are supposed to like?" Yachiru asked, wiping her mouth. Toshiro wiped his as well.

"Maybe we didn't do it right." He stated.

"I'm not doing it again. I can still feel you tongue on my tongue."

"It was a bit slimy."

"Maybe there shouldn't be so much spit. _You_ were practically _drooling_." She accused him.

"Excuse me, but at least I didn't ram my tongue down your throat, choking me." He quipped back.

"You tasted like snowcone."

"You tasted like…lots of things. You need to brush you teeth more."

"No I don't! I…I- Hey, Toshiro-kun, your lips are purple," She giggled, "It looks like you're wearing lipstick." She pointed at his lips, where the dye of the red snowcone met with the blue.

"Same with you." He pointed. They looked over the edge of the bridge, looking down at the still, black surface of the pond. They laughed at each other until their nerves had come down.

"Hey, I've still got some cash. You wanna go down and go on some fair rides?" She said, jingling her purse.

"Alright. I'll race you there!" He laughed, jogging off the bridge.

"Hey! No shun-po!" She yelled, running after him. As they disappeared into the crowd, Ikkaku and Yumichika came out of the bushes on the other side of the bridge.

"I hope these photos come out alright." Yumichika said gleefully.

"These are goin' to be a _riot_ at her coming-of-age party." They laughed together, evilly.

* * *

They are still kids, so I wouldn't expect any romantic feelings between them. Naughty Ikkaku and Yumichika, you two should be responsible. 


	40. Seeking Solace

---Spoilers----

The Latest Chapters: OMG MUTIPLE FANGASMS! Uh-hem. Yeah...but seriously dudes, I was really hoping for a Nnoitre/Ken-chan showdown and I got my wish! (those two were separated at birth, seriously) I wonder what happens when Ken-chan wins the fight and he gets to carry Nel as well as Yachiru on his back, lol. And Unohana is in it too! A chance for some on-screen canon interaction (that's the only thing I hate about KenUno)!

---End spoilers---

This is a weird fluffy piece with not much dialouge and is a variation of several other fanfic I've done. Oh, I've been away because of exams and been nowhere near my laptop to write :(

* * *

**Seeking Solace**

"Lay off it." Kenpachi sighed. Two red-brown eyes wobbled tearfully up at him, "No, seriously Yachiru; stop lookin' at me like that." Kenpachi stood at the dimension doors, ready to leave for the human world. He was being sent on a team mission to the human world to help with a huge backlog of human souls not being able to make it to Soul Society. There had been a large amount of unexpected Soul Butterfly deaths, the spiritual escort, causing the delay.

"I wish I could come." Yachiru pouted grumpily, folding her arms across her chest. He rolled his one visible eye.

"Well, I didn't assign the teams, so there's no point getting shitty at me about it." He straightened up, feeling the impatience of the other captains; he turned to the two other shinigami beside him, "And you guys, follow the checklist I made. And just because you two idiots are babysitting, doesn't mean you can forget that she's your superior, got it?" Ikkaku and Yumichika nodded. With a satisfied grunt, he waved and stepped through the portal to the human world.

As they walked back to the division headquarters, Ikkaku looked at the list in the captain's scratchy, thin handwriting; it seemed pretty standard for what was most babysitting plans: she goes to bed by nine; make sure she eats her vegetables; brush her teeth twice a day; bath once a day and don't get shampoo in her eyes; make sure she doesn't kill anyone, stuff like that.

Ikkaku would have to man the cooking areas and Yumichika would do the clothes, washing and hygiene. One of them was to sleep in Kenpachi's quarters or nearby, just in case Yachiru had the urge to go out in the middle of the night and disappear for a couple of days. Apparently that happened quite often. What also happened quite often, Ikkaku was surprised, was that she had frequent nightmares and needed someone nearby.

Ikkaku looked at the happy, bouncing girl. It was hard to believe she had nightmares, but Kenpachi said she had night terrors, which were different. She would wake up, not knowing what scared her, and otherwise she would sleep peacefully. He tucked the list into his kimono and followed the party back.

Nevertheless, looking after Yachiru was a rather trying task. Yumichika was at his wits end trying to clean her uniform everyday and he hated to be referred to the 'mother' of the pair by Ikkaku. She always had the one story that had to be read in the exactly the right way, otherwise she would go to sleep. If Ikkaku had to do the 'Happy Hamster Hop' one more time, he would certainly throttle the kid; the only reason he didn't, was that he got certain satisfaction knowing Kenpachi had to do the exact same thing.

It was Ikkaku's turn to stay at the house to stand watch. It was actually Yumichika's turn, but Yumichika insisted that he go home and hide his swollen face that he received from a flying ball Yachiru was playing with. Ikkaku smiled, it had been a good throw, smack dead-on in Yumichika's face. Ikkaku had put Yachiru to bed; she was happily exhausted and he was tired himself. He wrapped himself in futon and drifted off to sleep.

He woke up suddenly, hearing a sound. He fluttered open his eyes and looked into the gloom.

"Yachiru?" He croaked, staring at a figure beside him.

"I had a nightmare." She snuffled. Ikkaku didn't really know what to say.

"Are you okay?" He asked as his eyes adjusted; she looked upset.

"Yeah," She nodded, "Can I sleep with you? Ken-chan lets me sleep with him when I get nightmares." She asked.

Ikkaku hummed, "Well, I'm not taicho…"

"Please? Otherwise I can't get to sleep."

"I guess so." Ikkaku said reluctantly. Yachiru slipped quickly underneath the covers and huddled up against Ikkaku's body heat. He wiggled a little further away so he could get comfortable.

"Baldy, you're not as comfy as Ken-chan." She moaned.

"Well, that's your problem. I think I'm very comfy. Besides, you're not supposed to sleep _on_ me." He smirked.

"Gimme some pillow," she yanked it out and nuzzled into it. Ikkaku was vaguely annoyed, but far too tired to argue. He rested his head on a corner of the pillow as she turned away. It was a few minutes before he heard her start breathing evenly. He watched her as she turned around in half sleep and face him. An arm reached out, reaching his arm and she draped the arm over her in a loose hug. Ikkaku saw this as disgustingly cute and he also saw an opportunity to gain some of his pillow back. He was about to grab the pillow closer when he saw her peaceful face sleeping and decided not to. He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

He woke up the next morning with a foot in his face. Somehow during the night, Yachiru had managed to turn upside down in his arms and failed out in all different places. After a brief argument about morning breath and feet, Yachiru exclaimed she had one of the best sleeps ever. In fact, she wanted to sleep with him every night until Kenpachi came back. Ikkaku found this troublesome, but Yumichika found it more appropriate to his morning schedule if he had time to do his skin routine instead of walking back and forward every morning. Ikkaku refused, but Yachiru called upon her superior powers and ordered him to stay.

As Yachiru snuggled up to him for the next night, Ikkaku was put into the mind of Yumichika and himself. After his incident with losing his sleeping blanket, Ikkaku had to be content with sleeping in the same bed as Yumichika until they raised enough money in the next town to buy a new blanket for Ikkaku. But when they finally did, Yumichika shyly slipped into Ikkaku's bed in the night because…well, there were many reasons, one of them being 'my hair looks better when I sleep next to you'. This infuriated Ikkaku to no end and argued heatedly the point that he 'wasn't a fuckin' homo so get the fuck out of my bed!', but finally gave up and allowed him to sleep in the same bed for a maximum of one night a month. Yumichika would frequently break these rules, even in Soul Society, but he had no energy left to argue about it any more.

Kenpachi came back a few days later and Yachiru stopped sleeping with Ikkaku, there was no longer any need to. But frequently he would find another occupant in his bed, sometimes two, as time wore on.

"I've gotta ask you guys, why the hell do you come to _my_ bed and sleep with _me_?" Ikkaku asked one night as Yachiru and Yumichika curled up in separate blankets next to him.

"I dunno." Yachiru shrugged.

"I feel safe, I guess." Yumichka said sleepily.

"Yeah, safe." Yachiru agreed.

"Safe? I feel weird myself. Don't you guys find it weird? Please tell me you do." Ikkaku almost pleaded.

"Sort of. But it's not bad weird…it's like sleeping with a brother." Yachiru yawned.

"But, why me?" he moaned.

"Coz you're our big brother, Baldy." She replied. Ikkaku felt the title to be odd. But he remembered the past, way back before he died, when he was a child, where he would seek solace with his younger sister or mother and father. He would quietly slip in between the covers and sleep with a feeling of complete safety and comfort. He smiled to think if that's how the other two felt about him.

"Oh, okay, that's fine you babies," Ikkaku sighed exasperatedly, "Goodnight weirdos." He curled up. The other two murmured their well-wishes and it was a few minutes before Ikkaku perked up his head again, "Don't tell anyone that we actually do this, okay? I've got enough bad press as it is." He gritted when he remembered the rumour of the 'geriatric escapade'.

"Oh, don't worry, you're secret-safe with the Shinigami Women's Association and me." Yachiru giggled.

"Oh, geez."

* * *

Actually, sleeping in the same bed with someone isn't really weird if you know them well. Both my sisters fight to sleep in my bed when I get home from my six-month absences (we live in different countries and my sisters are 18 and 8) and I think everyone used to sleep in their parents bed once and a while. I suppose after decades of knowing each other, these guys were bound to become close. 


	41. Seeing Red

Oh, god. More crack. I'm getting a bit frustrated, I'm trying to find the flowers that the Division emblems represent. I know that 11th Division's emblem/insignia corresponds to the flower yarrow (which coincidently represents war) but I'm at a loss for what the others are. They used to be on Wiki, but they've gone now and I need them for fanart and fanfiction I'm working on. Can anyone help me?

* * *

Seeing Red

It was late at the _Shogun's Palace_ and by meaning late, it was actually really early. Drunk patrons left the establishment, staggering in groups or couples into the pre-dawn light. Only a select group of people were left, yawning and giggling with the last stages of a good night out. Nansuke, the owner of the place knew them collectively as 'Those Bloody Shinigami', but knew their names: Yachiru Kusajishi, Ikkaku Madarame, Yumichika Ayasegawa, Rangiku Matsumoto, Renji Abarai, Izuru Kira and Tetsuzaemon Iba. This select group of people were a blessing and a curse to Nansuke, as not only contributed to most of his income, but also caused most of the damage to his property. But they meant no harm most of time and today, he signalled to them that he was about to close up.

"Got it, Nan-chan!" Yachiru waved, draining the last of her sake. She looked around at her drinking companions and was surprised that no one had passed out yet. It had been a moderately subdued night anyway.

"Yumichika, I don't think I've ever seen ya face so red before." Ikkaku said to the man yawning opposite him.

"Uh, how ugly." He tried to get up, but failed, falling back onto the seat again.

"Ikkaku, you say that to him every time we go out." Renji said.

"That's cos his face gets redder every time we go out." He protested, shaking the bottom of his bottle to see if there was any sake left, "He should be more like taicho and never get red."

"What? He doesn't go red when he drinks?" Matsumoto asked, red faced herself.

"He doesn't go red in general; not even in exercise or anger or in embarrassment. I don't think we've ever seen him blush." Ikkaku looked at a sleepy Kira and jabbed him in the ribs, waking him up.

"Ken-chan isn't the type to go red in the face." The teen said, getting up wobbly.

"I agree; I doubt that he ever has blushed." Yumichika said, finally succeeding getting up and staggering over to Matsumoto, pulling her up.

"Hey, hey; let's make Zaraki blush." Matsumoto giggled. The members of 11th division, former and current, glared at her incredulously.

"Rangiku-san," Renji sighed, "We may be crazy, but we ain't stupid. Y'can't just _make_ taicho do something."

"And ain't it your crazy ideas that gets us into trouble anyway? I'm not falling for it again." Ikkaku still hadn't forgiven her for bringing up the idea of stalking Yumichika to Soifon's all those years ago. He still had the scars.

"Aww, c'mon," she said as they all moved out of the nomiya, "we should do it at least for boasting rights." Ikkaku hummed; boasting rights _were_ important in Seireitei and making Zaraki blush_would_ be quite an achievement. But like Renji said, he wasn't that stupid.

"Matsumoto, if you get taicho to blush, I'll pay off your bar tab debt."

"You're on, loser."

………

"Okay, Nanao, just hide here and wait until he comes. And make sure the camera is in focus." Matsumoto said to an apprehensive Nanao a few days later.

"Are you sure about this?" She asked about the whole plan and idea in general.

"Relax, every man I've done this to blushed…I'll be fine." She smiled. Nanao didn't.

"Good luck." Nanao waved as Matsumoto jumped from the roof and waited on the corner below. She waited until she saw a large man approach, the large spike on his head confirmed it was Kenpachi. As he neared, she looked at him seductively.

"Good morning, Zaraki taicho." She smiled. He grunted in reply, "Can you wait here? I got something to show you."

"Hmm? What is it?" He asked. She approached him closer with a coy smile until she got within reach of his personal space. She reached towards her collar.

"This." And with one swift and graceful movement, Matsumoto exposed her breasts. Kenpachi stopped moving and his eyes widened at the sight of them. But still no colour in his face. She walked closer to him until she was very nearly touching him; noticing his mouth close tight lipped, as if preventing himself to smile. Getting annoyed now, most men had never reached this far without at least going nosebleed red. She grabbed his hand and placed it on one of her breasts, "Well? What do you think?" She asked.

He paused for a second before raising his free hand and giving her a 'thumbs up', "Very nice." He deadpanned. Matsumoto went bright red and covered herself, muttering embarrassed under her breath as she walked around the corner out of sight. From the roof Kenpachi could hear Nanao's gasping laughter before he shook his head and continued on.

………

"Zaraki's a tough nut to crack." Matsumoto conceded later that night while nursing sake with Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika. Ikkaku was laughing his arse off on the couch while Yachiru sighed beside him, "I feel so violated."

"Well, I'm surprised that he got that far." Yumichika nodded.

"Not even Yumichika got past 10 seconds." Yachiru said; Yumichika glared at her, but blushed at the thought anyway. Good old drunken nights certainly held a lot of events.

"I'm beginning to wonder if he's gay or not." Matsumoto moaned.

"He's not. I mean now he's got Unohana in his life now-" Ikkaku was silenced by both Yachiru and Yumichika, but the damage had been done. Matsumoto gaped.

"Unohana? He's going out with Unohana?" She gasped. They all looked at Ikkaku.

"Damn, I shouldn't've told ya, but they've been going out for a few months now." He sighed as Yachiru rolled her eyes.

"We've been sworn to secrecy. But too many people know now, so don't tell everyone." Yachiru pleaded. Matsumoto blinked and then grinned.

"Hey, she's the best person to ask about getting him to blush. I'll go talk to her later. But for now, it's time to kill off a few bad memories." She drained a glass of sake.

………

"So you know about us?" Unohana sighed. Matsumoto nodded. She stood in front of Unohana in her office.

"Yeah…"

"Well, it was going to come out sooner or later." Unohana smiled quietly.

"I have to say it was a long time coming." Matsumoto smiled back.

"Really? I thought it was a spurr-of-the-moment thing."

"Nah, everyone could see it." She laughed as Unohana's smile became wider, "But I've come to you about a favour."

"Sure, what is it?"

"I was wondering if you could make him blush?" She asked timidly. She half expected her to say no, but instead Unohana laughed cheekily.

"Blush? I can make him _cringe_ for you." She said, getting out of her seat and walking to the blonde shinigami, "Come, he's about to arrive here complaining about stomach cramps. If you just sit in the waiting room, I'll show you." Something about Unohana's smile suggested evil, but it looked benign enough. Matsumoto nodded, happy with anticipation. She sat in the waiting room, reading a magazine until she saw Kenpachi walk through. She looked up, suddenly remembering about the other day. He winked at her, sending Matsumoto red, cringing her toes up in embarrassment. Unohana came out, smiling at Kenpachi. Out of the corner of her eye, Matsumoto saw Unohana lean over and whisper something in his ear.

Matsumoto nearly laughed out loud when she saw Kenpachi's face redden across the bridge of his nose and in his cheeks. As he was led to Unohana's office still red-faced, Unohana was thinking of telling people the magic word, but decided to use the word 'Freckle' for her own devices. It more than made up for the other day and she'll have to inform Ikkaku about paying off her bar tab debt.

* * *

Well, she didn't get her debt payed off, cos she didn't make him blush. And besides, his debt rivaled hers.

And where could a freckle be to get someone that embarassed:D


	42. Can you hear me?

Can't say much, but I assure you, this one had me cracking up the entire day. Cracktasticular. Yay! Update!

* * *

Can you hear me?

"I think it's a splendid idea." Nanao said, adjusting her glasses. An evil-like glint sparkled off them as she looked around the Shinigami Women's Association. "It would certainly improve the morale in Seireitei."

"Good luck finding competitors," Soifon scoffed, "I doubt that many people will be coerced into doing something like that."

"Yeah, I think so too," Yachiru said, sitting on the edge of her seat bored, "the guys at my Division would rather fight competitions and stuff like that."

"Well, if we appeal to the Soutaicho about this, no doubt he'll agree." Nanao replied.

"The Soutaicho will agree to anything that sounds remotely fun; remember the time when the Divisions had to design a game?" Soifon said.

"Ah yes, well that was an epic failure," Nanao sighed, "well we have to admit, some of the ideas we thought of were pretty lame."

"No, they were not!" Yachiru protested, "Ken-chan's idea was pretty awesome!"

"Yachiru, your Division already goes on rampaging killing sprees, why bother make a game about it?"

"Oh yeah, that doesn't sound like fun…" She trailed off.

"Exactly." Nanao smiled, "Now, is everyone here in favour for the Singing Competition?"

"Yes." The Association chimed together.

………

"A what?" Kenpachi snorfed over a mouthful of ramen. They were eating out in a tiny place rumoured to have the best, cheap ramen across Seireitei.

"A singing competition," Yachiru replied, "Every division must contribute to at least one competitor and one must be a seated shinigami." She gulped down another mouthful of ramen.

"I don't hafta enter, do I? Cos I dunno if you've heard me sing, cos I don't."

"No you don't. But if no one else volunteers, you might have to Ken-chan."

"Well, I ain't gonna sing, that's for certain. And don't let Yumichika enter; his voice ain't ready for the world yet."

"You mean, the world isn't ready for his voice yet, right?"

"Yes, that. So, whose got the best voice in our division?" Kenpachi scratched his chin.

………

Ikkaku was having some problems with Houzukimaru. There was a new move that he wanted to try out that required a ton of concentration, but either the released zanpakuto was being unco-operative or he was doing something wrong. He spun one end of the sword into a humming circle. He was about to pounce when he saw his captain and vice captain approach him. He lost concentration and the spinning end of Houzukimaru smacked into his right cheekbone.

"Argh!" He screeched, clamping his hand on the already darkening cheek.

"You've got you're body stance all wrong," Kenpachi said as he approached, Yachiru giggling, "you'll do some damage otherwise."

"Gee, thanks Taicho," Ikkaku gritted, "did you come over here just to tell me that?"

"I just wanted to see ya whack yourself in the face." He replied, as equally sarcastic as Ikkaku, "look, we need to ask a favour from you." He began.

"What?" Ikkaku spat some blood to the side.

"Wouldja sing for us at the Shinigami Singing Competition?" Yachiru asked, jumping excitedly on Kenpachi's back.

"What?!"

"You heard her, Ikkaku."

"_What?!"_

"Plee-eaase?" She pleaded.

"No!" Ikkaku refused.

"You really don't have a choice."

"What?! I can't sing!"

"Yes, you can. We've heard ya sing and all the division reckons you can too." Kenpachi folded his arms, glaring down at the bald shinigami.

"Since _when_ did you hear me sing?"

"Whenever you're happy or drunk, mostly drunk, you start singin' like the whole world's a goddamn musical. And you're the best there is in this division." Ikkaku's ears went red with embarrassment.

"Oh, hell no. No no no no _no._ I'm not getting up on stage and _singing_ in front of the world."

"Why? Too shy?" The three turned around to see Gin and Aizen approaching. Ikkaku's face seemed to darken a little. He didn't trust the 5th Division all that much, despite some of his friends coming from there; there was something about them that gave him the creeps and Gin's ever present smile didn't help much either.

"No, I just have something called dignity." He replied. Yachiru hid a snigger, irritating the shinigami.

"Oh, thatsa shame that ya'll won't be participatin' in the comp," Gin drawled, "it's almost a pity that the great 11th Division will _lose_ by default." The three other shinigami tensed; losing was a dirty word to them.

"Don't wind them up so, Gin-kun," Aizen said calmly to his lieutenant, "It would be an honour if you would compete against us. We've already decided on who will enter: Gin will compete as well as young Hinamori. We hope to see you there."

"You bet your arses we will," Ikkaku said suddenly, "Cos there's no way that I'd lose at a bloody singing competition to a shmuck like you." He pointed at Gin. The silver haired shinigami just smiled before walking off with his Captain. Ikkaku's finger dropped when he realised what he just said, "Ho shit! What the hell did we commit myself to?"

"Our success, Ikkaku. Our success." Kenpachi grinned.

………

"A-hwone, A-two, A-hwone-two-three-and!-" Yumichika began, signalling for Ikkaku to start.

"This is dumb." He deadpanned, rolling over to lie down on the warm floorboards. Yumichika pulled at his hair in frustration.

"You are so _annoying!_ First of all, you've barely practised; secondly, when you do, you sound off key; thirdly, the concert is in two days and fourthly you don't even know the words to a song _that's not even in Japanese!"_ He screeched.

"I don't sing! The only time I ever sing is when I'm completely off my face and half naked. Okay? Yumichika? Are you even listening to me?"

"That's it! The secret to your success!"

"What? Not singing?" Ikkaku quirked his eyebrow.

"No no no. Being off your face! If we get you tipsy, we might win this competition!" Yumichika looked so proud of himself because of this discovery.

"Yumi, my dear man, you are a genius." He clapped his hand and his friend's shoulder, "now where's the sake?"

A few minutes later, Ikkaku stood up after drinking half a bottle of sake and cleared his voice, "Ready?"

"Whenever you are."

"Alrightly –hic- here goes… "_Cos it's a bittersweet symphony this li-ife; trying to make ends meet-"_

Yumichika clapped his hands, "You sound great!"

"I didn't even get through two lines…and that wasn't even the start." He slurred.

"Don't worry, if you continue like that, we'll have the competition in the bag."

"Great! Now, time for more sake; I need to practise ya know."

………

It was the night of the night of the competition and Ikkaku was a nervous wreck. He sat backstage, twirling an empty sake cup with Yachiru and Yumichika flitting around him, fixing up his costume, which was a grungy t-shirt and jeans from the human world. Outside he could hear the crowd that had come to see the singing. It was an open air concert, and the park was jammed full of curious shinigami. So far he'd heard a few randoms and a ninja choir and it was now 5th Division's turn.

"_And I don't want the world to see me, cos I don't think that they'd understand…_" Gin was heard singing.

"He's good." Kenpachi said, standing cross-armed against the wall. When Gin had finished, everyone applauded wildly, including Yumichika and Yachiru.

"Oi. Whose side are you on?" Ikkaku glared until both of them had put down their hands guiltily. Gin walked off stage, sauntering over to them.

"Good luck." He cooed at Ikkaku, the sinister tone throbbing in his voice, "you'll need it." He walked off. Ikkaku grabbed a bottle of sake and downed it in one shot.

"Hey, at least try to keep conscious." Yumichika pulled the bottle from his lips. Ikkaku sat back and waited through six other performances, including a beautiful song done by Matsumoto. When her warbling voice stopped, Ikkaku's adrenaline began to rush to his head. Unsteadily, he got up and walked to the doors, barely hearing his comrades in his dream-like state. He was very, very drunk by now, and he could barely hear the audience applaud when he took the microphone from Nanao, who was presenting. His hands shook and he looked up at the audience, took a deep breath and then…fainted. Or coma'd out. Your choice.

There was a simultaneous slap of three palms meeting three foreheads from backstage. Yumichika and Yachiru ran out and dragged Ikkaku backstage, their faces burning.

"Aww, Baldy, and now we won't win." Yachiru sniffed. Yumichika got up and began pushing Kenpachi out on to the stage.

"Yumichika, what the hell are you doing?!" He struggled against the smaller man's pushes, which were surprisingly strong.

"You're our last hope. Now go out there and make us proud!" With a final shove, Yumichika managed to get Kenpachi to stumble on stage. He stopped, like a deer in the headlights.

"Oh, shit." He muttered as he saw Nanao come up and present to him the microphone. He turned around to glare at Yachiru and Yumichika behind him.

"Go on." Yumichika urged.

"You can do it, Ken-chan!" Yachiru whispered excitedly. Kenpachi turned and looked at the microphone and snatched it off Nanao.

_Dammitdammitdammitdammit, I'm gonna make a fool of myself. What song? I don't know any songs, just think. Thinkthinkthinkthinkthink. Stall for time!_

"Uh, Hello? Can you hear me?" He tapped the microphone and the shrill scream of feedback came back to him. He thought of a song; it was the only song he knew off by heart, thanks to Yachiru and that damn popular movie with the floppy-haired blonde pretty-boy. It was the song currently being played over and over again in the headquarters, and it was his only shot. For the first time in his life, he experienced complete terror.

"Ahem," He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, "_Far across the distance, the spaces between us…"_

………

"So. You won 'the most entertaining' award?" Ikkaku asked. He was trying to speak to Kenpachi through a door. Kenpachi wasn't in a talking mood after being hounded by people asking for autographs and interviews and talking.

"Bya-fucking-kuya was pissing himself laughing. I think I must've been fucking entertaining." He growled.

"Okay…so can you please tell me where you put Yumichika?"

* * *

He won't be found for another week...alive obviously. Which took a lot of self-control on Kenpachi's part. 


	43. Memory Part I

Hey guys! Long time no update. That's coz I've been in Japan, whoo-hoo! It was great fun and every little bit as crazy as you imagine.

This story is two parts and it's serious too. Enjoy luvs. (Sweeny Todd is Awesome)

* * *

**Memory**

_There is a legend of a River of Forgetfulness. It lies in the edge of reality, between the spiritual and the fanciful. Few encounter it, and those that do rarely remember it. Dip your hands in, and you forget your childhood; bathe in it, and forget your name; drink it and you even forget to breathe…_

_Its name is Lethe._

………

It was a hard campaign, not that Yachiru would actually admit that around Kenpachi; he was having too much fun. Nevertheless, she was out in the middle of nowhere, fighting off mutant Hollows with most of the other captains. The very environment was dangerous; one wrong step could send you into a ravine…or a different dimension.

Netherland, they called it, a place neither here or there or anywhere. A place with ever-changing scenery and deceiving distances. The young pink-haired teen glanced at her mini-map, a Kurotsuchi invention. It allowed for the tracking of other humans nearby and had a route for the safest way to get back to Soul Society. She was looking for her captain, who'd wandered (ran) off to search for more mutant Hollows and was surprised to see a river appear near him.

"A river? Here in this wasteland?" She muttered to herself. Byakuya, who was standing nearby, flicking the blood off his sword from a fresh kill, looked at his mini-map on his wrist.

"That's odd," he said, "Maybe it's the remains of a river."

"Or it could be a dimensional rift. I'm going to check it out." And with that, she streaked across the landscape. Something in her gut told her something wasn't right; as she neared the river, she felt a huge pull on her riatsu and she felt drained and tired.

She found the river and saw it was full of water, or what looked like liquid. It was an unnaturally deep blue and a white mist rose from it. The water whispered over rock and Yachiru found herself pulled to it and merely by looking at it, she felt herself becoming calm and sleepy.

_What about Ken-chan?_

She opened her eyes she didn't remember closing and looked down the river. She saw the large man looking into the water in exactly the same manner she was doing previously. Only, he was standing in the water waist-deep.

"Hey, Ken-chan," She smiled as she walked over, "Get outta there, I've been worried about you."

He did not reply, but continued to watch the water swirl around him. His face was relaxed, which was unusual.

"Ken-chan? Are you okay?"

He looked at her, not recognising her. Suddenly he collapsed into the river.

"Ken-chan!"

………

"He has lost his memory." Unohana said after her analysis on the shinigami. Kenpachi lay on a hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, hardly moving save for his blinking and the rising and falling of his chest. Also sitting in the room were Ikkaku, Yumichika and Byakuya.

"Lost his memory? How can that happen?"

"The river you described is called the Lethe River; it has properties in it that causes heavy memory loss." She replied, looking at Kenpachi's brain scan, "All activity in his brain related to memory has almost ceased functioning."

The tension in the room tightened. The Lethe River was supposed to be a legend, an impossible river. Yet here it affected the great Kenpachi so visibly.

"What about Yachiru fukutaicho?" Byakuya asked, "Since she had to drag him out of the water."

"No doubt you had memory loss, but whatever it was it wasn't significant."

"Is there any way that he can get his memory back? A familiar object or situation perhaps?" Ikkaku asked.

"Unfortunately, there haven't been any known recoveries from the effects of Lethe water. The effects are permanent and irreversible," Unohana's voice shook, "the Kenpachi Zaraki as we know him is dead."

The shockwave sent shudders of horror through the group; even Byakuya seemed shocked. Yachiru jumped up and rushed to Kenpachi's bedside, tears forming in her eyes.

"It's not true; it _can't_ be true." She shook her head, looking at Kenpachi's face, searching for any trace of recognition, "Ken-chan, it's me; it's Yachiru…your…" she paused, considering what title she should call herself, "…your daughter. C'mon, remember me. Please."

There was no recognition on his face, just a child-like curiosity as he reached out and tugged on her hair. She hung her head.

"Yachiru…" Yumichika began.

"Go. Just…go." She said huskily. The others hovered anxiously before turning their backs and exiting, throwing sympathetic glances over their shoulders as they did so. But Yachiru couldn't see them through the hot tears running down her cheeks. She jumped into Kenpachi's bed and hugged him tightly, letting herself smell his familiar scent and feeling so close yet so far away from the closest friend she ever knew.

She didn't know how long she was lying there crying, but sometime during the night, she fell into a fitful sleep, having nightmares that all her life up to this point didn't exist, because the man responsible for all those memories no longer existed. She woke up, feeling that someone had moved her to another bed and a blanket draped around her. She bolted upright, finding Byakuya was in the room, dozing in the midday sun. Kenpachi was asleep in a bed nearby.

"Byachan? What are you doing here?" She asked quietly. The Kukichi nobleman roused from his doze to look at her.

"Waiting for you to wake up." He yawned.

"What for?"

"To bring you some hope. I believe there is a cure for Zaraki." He said calmly, getting up to stand by her bed. Yachiru's red-brown eyes lit up in desperation.

"Please tell me. I'll do whatever it takes to bring him back." She pleaded.

"There is another river; one opposite to the Lethe in nature. It's called Mnemnosyne." He stated. Still the eyes looked at him with tear-filled desperation.

"Where can I find it? How do you know this?"

"The Kukichi clan has access to information that many others do not; but to undertake this task will mean almost certain death."

"I fear no death." She replied, "I said I'll do whatever it takes." Byakuya paused, looking inwardly for a few seconds before staring straight at her.

"It's back in the Netherlands, downstream from the Lethe River. You'll find it after a year and a day of travelling. But I must ask you not to go." He added.

"Mustn't go? Then why tell me this and then tell me not to go?" Her voice rose angrily.

"You have responsibilities here! You have a company to lead and loyalties to uphold with Soul Society." He declared. Yachiru spun and pointed at Kenpachi.

"He is the _only_ person I hold loyalties to! I take orders from no one else save for myself." She snarled.

"We can't afford to lose you! You are one of the longest serving Shinigami still present, Soul Society needs you, Captain." His voice rang over hers. She closed her mouth and looked away.

"So that's why you came. Not to tell me about the Mnemnosyne, but to tell me I'm the new Captain. I never wanted to be captain, so don't put borrowed titles on me." They paused, the silence heavy between them. Outside birds chirped happily and the sweet smell of early summer drifted through the door.

"So you will go, then?" He asked.

"There's nothing else I can do." Slowly she turned away and walked out the door, making the motion to close it.

"Yachiru."

"What is it?"

"How many clouds were in the sky that day?"

She paused; her silhouette in the door shook a little, "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Then go; for you have lost something important. Farewell." He said as the door closed. He sighed, for how long will it be until he sees her again?

………

It was autumn when she found the river again. Food had been hard to find and her lips were cracked dry from lack of water. Each day the river changed direction from what had previously been upstream north to downstream west, though directions were no use out in the Netherlands. Still, she had to watch the water carefully, for it changed often.

Yet the water taunted Yachiru. They say as long as you have water in Soul Society, you shouldn't die; but water was scarce and the river she couldn't drink from looked so blue and refreshing she began to obsess over it. The whisperings of lost memories that ran through the river itself also began to put pressure on her.

On the 100th day upon finding the river, the fortieth without water, Yachiru gave into temptation and drank from the Lethe. And she Forgot.

To Be Continued…

* * *

Gasp! What will happen next? The Lethe and the Mnemnosyne are two Rivers in Greek mythology with the same properties as I have described in the story.

Now my commentry on the previous story. Kenpachi is singing "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion (the songs are based in 1996-97 the year the story was set in) which is bloody cracktastic. I based my singers on the Bleach Beat Soundtrack, with Ikkaku being the better singer in 11th division. And Gin is the best singer by far. Ichigo, Renji and Ishida should just shut up.

And speaking about voices, who likes the English Bleach dubs? Hands up who thinks Kenpachi's voice is sexy!? Byakuya's voice is far to gruff and deep...and I hate to say it, but Yumichika's voice is far too masculine for a pretty-boy. Evil-English-Accent-Gin is way too cool.


	44. Memory Part II

Yachiru's Point of view. Sorry for leaving you all on a cliffhanger ( I cried writing this) and it's long too.

* * *

**Memory Part II**

_The first thing I remember was choking on the bittersweet water of the Lethe._

_Who was I?_

_What was this place?_

_I spat the water out, the pain in my gut telling me it wasn't something I should swallow. I sat down and looked around, feeling the pain of existence. Humans don't realise how painful existence is, feeling cells die and create and the burn of oxygen in the lungs and brain. Moving was hard, it took me several attempts to get up without falling over and hurting myself more._

_I did have something that told me I had existed earlier, an animalistic instinct I suppose, and it told me to follow the river. And like a newborn deer, I lurched forward, ignoring the pain in my throat and stomach which I had to correct soon or perish._

_I followed the river, stopping only when exhaustion or pain caused me to collapse. I had forgotten what things were called, so everything was organised based on feelings, so when the bright hot and dark cold came three times; I found a wet different from the river I had been following. The water was brackish, but still I drank until the water sloshed in my belly and I felt sick. The pain in my head and throat had gone, but the pain in my gut got worse so I continued following the river._

_I came to a place where it was always dark cold and the ground below me was sandy and white. That is when I first discovered my Sharp. I thought it was part of my body until I tripped and it fell out from its sheath. I picked it up and the pain started in my hands. Red liquid came out and stopped after a while, but my eyes were blurry and I thought I was going to sleep when it finally did. My loose black skin on me was sticky and smelly and I thought it best if I shed it. So I did and for some reason, I picked up my Sharp and carried on down the river._

_Twelve times I slept when I came across two moving beings. They made the red liquid come from my arms and legs, so I used my Sharp against them. Then they stopped moving. The pain in my belly was great and I could barely move and they were soft, so I ate part of them and the pain was gone. I slept there and carried on._

_I wandered through many different places; one place was bright hot all the time and smelled really bad. I saw things that looked a little like me, but taller and they also had Sharps, but they left me alone. These beings used their Sharps on smaller ones and caused them great pain. I didn't like this place much, because there was no food or water._

_I went through another place, where the ground was green and soft and I found another being, just one, living in a strange looking rock. I liked that one; he gave me food and water and showed me pretty things. He gave me a new skin and made me feel better. I stayed there for many nights. He taught me a few words and I found myself making strange noises whenever I felt very good. He called it 'laughing' and I liked it_. He also said that he had a name and I asked what it was. He didn't say what it was, but he liked being called 'Pa'.

Pa was old, with silver hair, but his face was smooth and he laughed lots. He worked in his garden a lot and I used to join him picking fruits off trees. He told me not to eat the fruit of a particular tree, because it wasn't good, so I didn't eat it. I asked why it was bad, and he only replied 'Knowledge is a heavy responsibility and a burden". I didn't understand what he meant, but I said I won't eat any fruit that tastes bad and he laughed.

I asked him if he knew any other people, and he said he had lots of children, but didn't keep in touch often. He said they fought often and most of them didn't listen to what he said or twisted his words for their own needs. I told him to visit them more often, but he looked at me sadly saying 'they don't recognise me anymore and each time I do, things get worse.' I didn't say any more on that subject after that, because he became quiet.

One day, I was in the garden with Pa and he said that I was really sad when I was alone. I didn't know what 'sad' was, but I think that was when I felt a pain in my chest when I looked at the river.

"You should go soon." Pa said.

"Why?" I asked.

"There are other people waiting for you to return."

"Return where?"

"Home." He said. I was shocked; this was the only 'home' I ever had. I wanted to spend forever with Pa. I clutched my chest, feeling like I did every time I looked at the river.

"Come, I'll show you." He grabbed my hand and took me to his room, which I never had been into. He used to work in there long hours at night, and I never knew what he was up to. Suddenly the room dissolved and it felt like we were floating in the night sky. We walked through another world, where the people ignored us and the walls were like mist to us.

"Where are we, Pa?"

"This is where you came from, Yachiru." He said. Pa had called me Yachiru from the first moment I stepped into his house. I looked around and saw a man with no hair and a white coat talking to another man with feathers stuck to his face. They were standing in front of a cabinet, lighting incense next to a photo of... me.

"That's me." I gasped.

"Yes, and you have to go back. You are a wonderful child with a large heart, but you can't live with me forever."

Tears streaked down my face, "But I want to. If I ever leave here, I'm afraid my heart will break and I'll die."

"You won't die from that, but you will die here if you stay. I won't age, and you'll slowly fade like the cherry blossoms in spring." I hugged him and he kissed my forehead. The room around us swirled and changed and we found ourselves at the joining of two rivers. One was the Lethe River, the other I couldn't find a name for, but it was milky white and shimmered like opal.

"Where have you taken me?"

"This is the Mnemnosyne River; the river you've been searching all this time, but you didn't know it." He sighed and shook his silver head. He knelt down next to the river and dipped his hands in it, "Had you not found me, you would have never found it and died. Drink it, Yachiru, and you'll see what I mean."

I knelt down and put my lips to it and drank. It was refreshing, but bitter, like cold green tea. Suddenly, my mind began to swirl with images I had never seen before…yet I had. And I Remembered again.

"There were thirteen," I sobbed, "There were thirteen clouds in the sky that day." I looked up at the sky, feeling my bones ache and I felt old, and I wept. I broke from my trance and turned to look at Pa.

"I think you know who I am now." He smiled.

"Oh, Pa," I said, "Will I see you again?" My heart ached for the life I spent with him, but it also ached more for the life I left behind. I had to go.

"Maybe, but it's hard to find Eden. Even harder the second time. Go, Yachiru, and love the ones back where you came from, for they miss you." He didn't say goodbye, but I felt it on the air when he disappeared. In my hand I found a gourd of water from the Mnemnosyne and a compass that pointed me home.

I fell to my knees and cried, for knowledge was such a burden.

………

………

"Captain! Lieutenant! There is a woman at the gate asking for you." The messenger said as Ikkaku and Yumichika broke from their conversation.

"Tell her I will see her later." Ikkaku said. The messenger shook his head.

"She demands that she sees Baldy and Fruitcake immediately." The messenger didn't even see them turn before they fled to the gate. They reached the gate when they saw a lone figure there, hiding under a hood and her clothes were rich and finely tailored, but tattered from many nights of travelling. The hood was removed and Yachiru's grinning rosy face was revealed to them, and for fifteen minutes afterwards, Yachiru disappeared between Yumichika and Ikkaku in a tight hug.

"Yachiru, where have you been?! We thought you were dead!" Yumichika sobbed, looking at her scarred hands and arms, stroking her very long hair. Ikkaku said nothing, but slowly tightened his arms around her.

"It's great to see you guys again," she gasped, "But seriously, let me go or I'll pass out." They let her go and she was immediately ushered inside. Word spread quickly and soon everyone that she knew came and saw her, all of them shocked or crying with joy. Even Byakuya ran to see her, to see if the rumour was true that she was alive. When Yachiru clasped her eyes on him and smiled, all his worry and doubt left him. After all, it had been him who sent her on a seven year mission that promised no safe return.

But after the feasts and the hugs and the tears, something was still missing.

"Where's Ken-chan?"

………

Yachiru stood outside the 3rd District Institute, her palms sweaty with fear. She had no idea why she was afraid at what she would find. The nurses were dressed in pale blue and showed her around the airy hospital.

"Zaraki-kun is a fast learner and very physical, but he's quiet and spends most of his time looking out a window. He claims he's 'waiting for someone' but doesn't know why." The nurse explained. It was funny to hear his name uttered like a young boy's but her heart sank to hear of his 'waiting' for her.

She didn't recognise him. He sat at the window, looking out at the clouds. He'd put on weight so his face was rounder and the bags under his eyes and nearly disappeared from the amount of sleep he was getting. His hair had been cropped short, but his frown was still the same and so was his large broad back.

"Zaraki-kun, you have a visitor today."

"Is it Retsu?"

"No, it isn't."

"Then I don't want visitors; tell them to go home." He replied.

"It's not your usual visitors, dear."

"Then who is it?" He turned around and looked at Yachiru, "I know who you are; you're Yachiru. Ikkaku told me about you, but he said you were dead."

"I didn't die, Ken-chan. I've come back." Her voice cracked. The nurse left and Yachiru approached, "I've got some medicine that will help you." She shook the bottle.

"I don't like taking medicines." He stated folding his arms.

"It's a good medicine." She sighed, smiling. He was as stubborn as ever. It took her a few minutes to convince him to drink, "See you on the other side." She whispered as he took the first few sips.

He yelled as the memories came back, sending nurses running in, only to faint at the enormous rise in spiritual pressure. Yachiru revelled in it and it sent shivers up her spine. His screaming stopped and all was left was haggard breaths.

"Yachiru?" He asked, slowly.

"I'm here." She replied, embracing him. And they cried, for knowledge was a heavy but beautiful burden.

* * *

Phe-ew, that was a mission. I'm worried about the next Bleach chapter, but anywho. If you're wondering about the change in text style, it's when Yachiru starts to use words rather than think of her past, if you get it. I'm not religious or anything, but it was interesting to write about God. And goddammit, Yachiru gets a second childhood. 


	45. Heaven

So, I haven't updated in a while. Fine, fine. I've been busy, whooo Third year of college! (Implied unenthusiasm) I hate work. Well, here's a bit of an adventure fic for you!

I didn't write any fics lately cos, well, the main character I center these fics on happened to be in the process of enhancing the story. sigh: no real revelations. Hurry up and show more background dammit Kubo!

* * *

**Heaven**

"Bya-chan, I'm bo-ored." Yachiru whined. Byakuya said nothing but continued to sit on the grassy knoll. The teen looked at him for some response, "Look, I don't think it's coming. Let's go get some ramen or something."

"You have no patience. Sit and wait; this is an important stake-out." He replied as she got up from her seat.

"Che, you're no fun." She sat back down on the ground with a theatrical sigh. She lay back down on the grass and looked at the stars.

"This is serious." Byakuya said quietly, his attention on the surroundings, "If we don't capture this abnormal soul, we could lose valuable information." He lectured, but Yachiru had heard it all before.

"Yeah-yeah, I know. Stupid soul; I don't think there really is one, y'know? Just a whole lot of crossed lines as far as 12th Division are concerned. An angel, che." She spat.

"A fallen angel." Byakuya corrected, "Not a single angel has been sighted on earth since two millennia ago…and a fallen angel even further back. If we find one…something's going wrong in heaven." Byakuya talked, mainly to himself.

"Could be a demon." Yachiru joked.

"Impossible; the doors to Hell are made to make sure nothing comes out."

"Except on orders from God. They're under His command after all." Yachiru sighed, her breath misting in the frosty air, "Whatever happens, I'm cold and bored." She traced her finger in the sky, joining the stars with an imaginary line, "Hey, Byakuya…" Something caught her eye.

"What?"

She leapt to her feet, "Heads up!" She yelled, pulling him to the side. With an almighty crash and hiss, the place they were sitting exploded into fine dust. As the dust settled, Yachiru could see a crater where there used to be a hill.

"What on Earth…?" Byakuya coughed, shielding his eyes from debris.

"A fallen angel!" Yachiru said, drawing her zanpakuto, "I know, cos it fell from the freakin' sky! And goddamn it's ugly." She stared at the round, pulsating creature in front of her.

"That's not the one we want," Byakuya said, unsheathing his sword, "It was described as a thin grey insectoid." He looked at the creature now pulling out of what seemed like his shell. Definitely not what was previously described.

"What? You mean there's two of them now? Ew, yuck. Oh well, I guess we capture this one too." She pulled a face. She pulled out the capturing device from the bag on her back; it was a handgun, larger than rifle, "Get him within my sight." She told Byakuya as he leapt forward to trap it. Yachiru huffed, goddamn, this was easier than she thought. She squeezed the trigger slightly as the red slimy tentacle monster was caught in kido spells.

"Kuasjishi!" Byakuya yelled. She didn't even feel the other angel's spiritual pressure sneak up behind her; all she felt was pain as the second creature's claw stabbed her through the shoulder and threw her to the side like a rag doll. She grunted as she hit the ground; she was still conscious and very aware of the fact that the nerves in her right arm had all but severed. She stood up shakily, blinking at the creature. It had now been distracted by Byakuya, who had released Senbozakura. But it was having little effect.

She gripped her zanpakuto in her left hand and leapt forward, ready to fight. She stopped a blow from the second creature from hitting Byakuya.

"Having fun?" She asked, rose hair flying and pink petals whipping past her.

"No, not really." He admitted, emitting kido spell after spell, "We need backup." He gritted as the kido was deflected easily, even the more powerful ones.

"Just go bankai on their arses." She quipped, leaping up and putting her blade through the first's eye socket. It screamed, the sound knocking the both of them to their feet. Byakuya got a blow from the second creature as he fell, knocking him out and kanseiseki shattering, "Aw crap." Yachiru moaned. There was no way she could leave him there, but she'd have to carry him from the scene, and that meant not fighting.

"You owe me big time for this one, Bya-chan." She sheathed her sword and lifted him onto her good shoulder and sprinting off away from the creatures. They followed surprisingly quickly after her. "Shoot," she swore, grappling with her dead hand for the intercom while jumping from tree to tree; monsters crashing through close behind.

With a crackle, the intercom came to life, "Oi! Akon! Can you hear me?" She yelled, feeling panic come over her.

"Loud and clear."

"Back up! We need urgent fucking backup now! Byakuya's out cold and my arm's dead and there's two freaky fallen angels after us!" She shouted over the crashes.

"You're asking for backup?" Akon asked, stunned that an 11th member was asking for backup.

"Yes, I fucking well am! Quickly! These things are scary!" Suddenly, she dropped the microphone and it plunged to the ground. She saw a clearing in the woods ahead, and she was desperately hoping that there was a safe place she could dump Byakuya while she fought. Instead she found a cliff that headed straight down; she skidded to the edge, finding herself trapped.

"Well, damn."

"_COME CHILD! LET US BECOME ONE!"_ The tentacle monster moaned, headed straight for her.

"Oh, Hell no." She muttered, wondering how to choose between one certain death to another. So she leapt of the cliff, choosing that as a way to escape. Well, she soon found out, it probably wasn't the smartest decision she'd ever made; running downhill with a ninety degree gradient wasn't the easiest thing in the world. And apparently fallen angels weren't deterred from heights and a long way down; well, they _did_ have wings.

She landed on her feet and felt her ankles screamed in pain. Not broken, but definitely strained, "C'mon, Bya-chan, wake-up!" She urged the limp figure on her shoulder, "C'mo-on, I don't wanna be eaten." She gasped, trying to move forward, but her feet were numb from shock. With an enormous amount of self-will, she pounded forward, hoping that there weren't any more cliffs in the way.

"_Little one, wait for ussssss,"_ The thin angel hissed appearing suddenly in front of her, "_we jusssst want to play."_

"Go play with yourself, freak." She backed away, setting Byakuya to the ground and whipping out her sword. The tentacle one slammed in behind her, fangs grinning. She had nowhere to escape now and she prayed and prayed that help would come soon.

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnn-coooooming!" The cackling bomb that was Kenpachi dropped in; a shill cry coming from the figure under his arms accompanied him on the way down. He slammed into the forest floor, creating a small crater.

"Zaraki, promise you'll never do that again without my permission!" Mayuri gasped, uncurling from underneath his arm.

"Che, you wanted to come and see these monsters fer yourself, and it was much quicker getting down by gravity than flying down anyway." Kenpachi shrugged, turning to Yachiru, "Am I going to have fun?" He asked gleefully, sword brandished.

"Knock yerself out," She smiled weakly, then glanced at the unconsciously Byakuya, "Actually…don't. It might cause problems." And with no other restraint, Zaraki leapt after the thin insect angel.

"Oooooooh, Angels!" Mayuri rubbed his hands gleefully, "new specimens." He released his zanpakuto and began to chase the tentacle angel. From the sky, Unohana's Minazuki soared down to the forest floor; Unohana perched on its back.

"Yachiru, I see you're still conscious. That's good," She said as Yachiru climbed aboard with Byakuya, "I also see Kenpachi hasn't killed himself after dragging Mayuri off Minazuki. He was quite anxious to get down." They lifted themselves off the ground with a sweep of wings. Yachiru, curious to see how well Kenpachi was getting on, peered over the edge and saw something zip towards her and stick into her forehead.

"Poison dart," She sighed, recoiling from shock and falling down, "Well, damn."

* * *

It was white, completely white.

"Am I in heaven?" Yachiru asked herself, "Yeesh, I hope not. Not with those scary angels around."

"I assure you, you're not in heaven." A familiar voice said, "But you came very close to making it."

"Bya-chan? What are you doing in heaven…or hell…or Hueco Mundo…or whatever? Where am I?" She opened her eyes groggily. Byakuya was in the hospital bed beside her, head bandaged up.

"Oh. I'm in 4th division." She sighed, "How long have I…?"

"Two days, not that long." He replied.

"Ken-chan?"

"Safe."

"Angels?"

"One dead; one under inspection."

She looked at him up and down, "So, your blow was more serious than I thought." Yachiru tried to lift herself up, but the pain in her feet prevented her. She felt like crap.

"Cracked skull." He confirmed. He turned to her, "Thank you Yachiru…I think I owe you my life," He conceded, "If there's anything I can do, just name it." His tone of voice was different...it was as if he was talking to someone that was his equal. _Nah,_ Yachiru thought, _I'm just imagining it._

"Painkillers." She moaned, "I have a splitting headache."

_I beg to differ_ he thought with a smile, calling in nurses.

* * *

I wonder if Kubo's Heaven will be shown in future Bleach installments. Bet there will be a Heaven and Hell arc after Aizen's story has finished. Maybe there will be a time-jump like in Naruto...ah, I hope not. Well, not a big one anyway.

* * *


	46. Abandon

The new chapters of Bleach?? Holy-frigging-timeskip batman! My interest in Bleach has been renewed! Yeah, the Hueco Mundo arc got boring towards the end (save for Kenpachi's battle) but now for plot! But did you notice the chapters are being counted down? Does this mean that Bleach is coming to an end, or does it mean that the arc will finish in that many chapters? Gah, I dunno!

ps, dontcha think that Yumichika and Shinji would be, like, the bestest of chums? I get the feeling that they would.

Oh, and this is Kenpachi's point-of-view before he came to soul society.

* * *

**Abandon**

You're pretty happy aren't you Yachiru?

After all the shit we've been through; after all the blood, hunger, tears and pain, we're still together. Hell, I'm surprised you're still alive let alone seeing you bounce on my back happy and giggling. You're not sad in any way; you're still innocent, childish and annoying as heck. I can't believe I abandoned you.

Don't be surprised; you know that I'm not a kind person. I found you in that clearing and you were my new hope. A tiny beacon of light in my huge dark world. But my world is just that; it's huge, dark and hopeless. I was certain that I was stupid for adopting a tiny child when I could barely take care of myself.

We had barely any food, I was frequently injured and I exposed you to the terrors of the night. We were so cold; you would shiver in my arms all night during those winter months. I wouldn't sleep, just to make sure you were still alive when the sun came up the next day; it's no surprise that Zaraki means 'night-watch'. It took its toll eventually, the exhaustion made me weak and I nearly lost a fight.

Remember that day when I nearly lost? I was certain I wouldn't reach the next morning, but somehow I did with you watching me in what might've been my last hour; spewing blood, gasping through ragged lungs and broken ribs. It was then when I decided to leave you behind.

I thought the idea was merciful, and I am no angel of mercy. You were older and could find help, find someone else to take care of you. You would be a hit with women: petite, cute and pink. You wouldn't have to worry about getting killed in the night, or about hunger and cold. Even living with street kids would be much better than following me. I had done my role, I protected you so far, now it was time to move on and let you grow normally.

I left you in the middle of the night when you were asleep and warm. You had food and it was summer; and you were in a secluded area away from people; no one would hurt you until you woke up. I said goodbye by the light of the glowing embers and turned away, disappearing into the night.

I thought of what you might do when you woke up: you would stay for maybe a day or two before worrying about me; maybe you would try to find me, that'll be stupid, I already have a head-start and I'm faster than you runt. You would find help after that go to a nice safe place with lots of children similar to you, who knows? I wasn't responsible for you anymore.

The third day I was away, I felt guilty and sorry for myself. Was I that big of a coward? Running away from responsibilities that I took on myself? No wonder I hated mercy, it didn't have an ounce of courage in it. But still I continued on, determined in my belief that I was doing the right thing.

Do you know what brought us together again? My lousy sense of direction. I got lost and headed around in a large circle and two weeks after I left you, I found you again. Do you know how surprised I was to see you again, right where I left you? You were wrapped up in the blanket I left you in, looking a bit thinner than I remembered, the provisions I left you nearly gone.

"Ken-chan!" You yelled and ran for me, happy and giggling as if I only left you for twenty minutes. I dropped to my knees in disbelief that you had waited for me. You opened your arms as wide as they could go, hugging me.

You were so warm.

"Ne, Ken-chan. Where did you go?" You asked me, looking both annoyed and delighted.

"I-I got lost." I stuttered.

"Idiot." You sighed despondently, "You were gone for _ages_."

"I know," I scooped you up in my arms, "would you have waited for me longer, brat?"

"Of course! I would've waited cos I know you always come back!" You said with such certainty that all willpower broke, it shattered all belief and it damn well broke my bloody heart.

Well, fuck, I did need you after all.

I don't know if you knew of my intentions back then, I don't think you ever will. Forgive me if I've hurt you. I'm not proud of what I did, in fact I despise myself for doing that to you, and I regret it nearly every day. But hey, Yachiru, you don't have to wait for me to return, because someday I won't.

But when I do return, I never want to leave ever again. I will never abandon my light and hope again.

* * *


	47. Breathe

Quick update! Ken x Unohana. I've been wanting to post this for a while, but I couldn't wait for much longer and you'll see why. I'm such an impatient person.

* * *

**Breathe**

Kenpachi ran his hands over the rough rock wall, feeling for any crevasse or outcrop in the darkness. Nearby, Unohana's laboured breathing could be heard.

"Ah, my legs." She gasped, scrambling to sit herself up. Kenpachi ignored her, poking the rock roof with his sword. Completely solid, he thought, barely enough space to slip a blade between the cracks.

"We're trapped." He announced, dropping his sword. "I don't know how high the rubble is, but it'll be too dangerous even for me to even try t'move it." And as if in answer, there was a sound above of more rocks falling in, causing the walls to shake violently. He moved over to where Unohana was, standing over her protectively.

"Kenpachi, you're bleeding." She said, feeling warm drops of blood splash on her face and shoulders. His hand reached to his right arm; he was bleeding, quite badly too. It was quite a fall.

It was just a simple reconnaissance mission; get in and out with the information. Two captains were sufficient for the job, but they didn't account for the hidden tunnels in the Nether-World landscape. They were sprinting across the sand when a hole as large as Seireitei simply fell from underneath their feet, dropping them into a crevasse. Kenpachi had grabbed Unohana as they fell and stuck his zanpakuto into a rock face, slowing their fall. They'd landed on a rocky outcrop before the walls had closed in on them. It was only their combined spirit forces that created a temporary shield for rocks to stabilise over them.

"You're not dyin' are ya?" He asked, ignoring his own wounds for a second.

"No…just broken legs and some smashed fingers." She lit a small kidou light with her good hand. She gasped when she looked at him, "Kenpachi, your arm!"

He looked at his right arm: The force in which he stabbed the rock wall with his sword had not only dislocated his arm, but had also ripped away tendons and muscle.

"Well, damn." He said, more amazed than anything else, "I nearly ripped my arm off."

"Get down here," she ordered, "if I'm quick, we'll be able to save it." He crouched down as the pale light of healing kidou washed over his arm. It wasn't the kidou Unohana usually used, gentle and slow, but harsh and quick. She'd panicked at the sight of her lover's condition.

"Slow the fuck down; you know I've had worse and I'm not dying yet." He reprimanded her. She stopped and took a deep breath and continued slower. The wound reknotted together and he regained feeling in his fingers.

"Are the communicators working?" She asked. He searched around in his pocket.

"Doubt it," he poured the tiny pieces onto the ground, "they didn't survive the fall. Okay, 'Hana, enough. I'll get by, just fix yerself up. You're in a bad way."

"But-"

"I'll live." He moved away from her. He'll get the rest of the healing done later; first they needed a way out.

"What's that sound?" She asked; the light spreading over her legs. He heard it too, a hissing sound. Was it a hollow? He walked to where the sound was coming from. A cool sensation snaked over his skin.

"Sand. It's just sand falling through the cracks in the roof." He replied. He tested the crack to see if there was a safe way out. Nothing, he only succeeded in making the crack bigger and more sand fall through. He walked to over where she sat; the healing nearly complete.

"I guess we just wait now until someone finds out that we've disappeared." She said, wincing a little. He nodded in the dim light. How long would that be? Hours? Days? At all? The situation looked grim. Unohana finished her healing and lay next to him, and even though he couldn't see her face, he could tell she was worried.

Hours passed, and the whiled away their time playing words games and sleeping. But after a while, they began to notice the cold. The rocks around them seemed to suck the very heat from their bodies. They huddled close together, deciding that a kidou fire was not worth the risk. They became silent, the hissing sound of the sand the loudest thing in their existence.

"The sand's pilin' up." Kenpachi said, feeling the ground around them, "We're stuck in a one-sided hourglass." Unohana didn't answer, for she knew this too. How long will it be until the sand buried them?

The air was beginning to get stuffy now. He figured that they didn't have much longer until the air ran out. They hadn't even been trapped for three days yet and already he had considered the very high possibility of their deaths.

"Kenpachi." She said. "I think we're going to die."

"Hmmmm." He agreed and they were silent again for another few hours. He could feel the air become closer and harder to suck in with each breath. The sand had forced them to move into a space barely larger than a closet.

"I'm glad I'm not alone when I die." Unohana whispered to him, "I'm glad you are with me." Something about what she had said struck a bad nerve in him.

"I don't want this, I never wanted an end like this!" he said, "Where's my fight? Where are the rivers of blood and the guys that I've fought? This is not how I wanted to go!" He was angry. He reached up and took off his eye patch, unsheathing his sword, "I will die with my sword out." The force of his spirit washed through the rocks with an intense yellow glow. Unohana's precious air was knocked out of her, but his anger passed quickly as it had began, "But...hell, I can't complain. If this is what I'm gonna get, so be it."

They were silent again and it was later broken by Unohana's quiet sobs.

"Scared?" He asked.

"Very. But it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"Kenpachi…don't you wish…don't you wish that we had a future together?" She struggled to say, dropping hot tears into the cold sand. He reached his arm around her, clutching her to his chest.

"With every second now, I am beginnin' to regret never asking you about what you felt about us. What I felt and what we should've done…damn, I start gettin' fucking emotional when I think I'm dying."

"It's okay." She smiled weakly, "I think we all do."

"Retsu Unohana," he began suddenly, "this might be a little too late and I'm sorry about that…but if this hadn't happen, would ya marry me?"

"Yes." She replied, stunned. He'd never even said 'I love you' before and now he was proposing.

"Good. Will you marry me?"

"Yes."

"Well, thank fucking God for that." He sounded relieved. Tears erupted from her, both of joy and despair. The tears didn't last long though; she was now finding it hard to keep awake.

"A spring wedding…would be nice…" She sighed.

"Yeah...in a forest clearing…with some Shiba fireworks…t'round it off." He added.

"…Yachiru will be my maid of honour...and the other girls as bridesmaids..."

"I'll have…hey, can you have multiple best men?" Shit it was hard to breathe.

"I think so..."

"Then...I'll have...Ikkaku 'n' Yumichika...Renji...maybe Byakuya...if he wants..."

"Let's invite everyone..."

"Yeah..."

"Think of how beautiful everyone would look…"

"…Yumichika'd probably be happier than us…dressin' up and all…" He chuckled slowly. He closed his eyes.

"…we'll get a nice house…with extra room…" Her voice was sounding distant.

"Don't go…too fast…we have…all the time…in the world."

"Kenpachi." It was the last word he heard before the darkness swept over him. He smiled, Yachiru will kill me when she finds out about it all, he thought.

………

………

………

"Kenpachi!" Ikkaku yelled, lifting up the last stone to reveal the two bodies embracing each other, covered in fine white sand. They had searched as soon as they knew that their communication devices weren't working; but they had no idea where they were until a member of the 5th Division had pointed out a pillar of yellow light in the distance. It seemed that Kenpachi had released all his spirit power for a short moment, allowing them to find the pair's life force under the rubble.

"No!" Yachiru said, the rose-haired woman jumped down, tears falling, "We're too late."

"Wait! They're still alive." Yumichika said, "Their riatsu is weak, but it's still there." Yachiru didn't need any other encouragement; she slammed her fists down onto their chests. Both arched their backs as they took a gasp of fresh air, consciousness returning to them swiftly.

"Oh, thank Buddha, Krishna, God and Matsumoto's giant boobs you're still alive!" Yachiru cried, throwing her arms around them, sobbing. The trio coughed and spluttered and laughed and cried and coughed again.

"In Spring you say?" Kenapchi grinned manically, breathing evenly now, "That's not very far away." Unohana wiped sand-encrusted tears from her face.

"I know," she smiled tearfully, "But we have all the time in the world."


	48. Flower

omgomg O.M.G. Kubo Tite is awesome! (!spoilers!) Who would've thought that Byakuya was so young? I could've sworn that he'd've been a young adult back then, but hey, now it makes older!Yachiru and Byakuya pairings a lot less wrong now. And speaking of Yachiru, shouldn't she be a teen by now? It's all confusing, the way people age in Soul Society. And doncha reckon Grandpop Kuchiki and Yamamoto would be friends? That'll be so cool. Although, it does blow some of my previous theories out of the water; oh well, this is fanfiction, so enjoy! (/spoilers)

This is very old, I've had it in my disk drive for nearly a year now and completely forgot about it. I've fixed it up. Personally, I think it's crap, but for some reason it brings a smile to my face.

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**Flower**

Akon slowly and carefully sewed the gash close, and he pulled the needle up until the skin of the gigai was perfectly seamless. The gigai was in perfect shape, all organs in order. He picked a purple spray bottle, squirting steaming liquid on the wounds which closed up without a scar and dissolving the thread. He started working on the open pale eye, moving the lens around with a gloved hand. It was delicate work and he could easily screw it up. He gripped his cigarette tightly between his teeth. He nearly swallowed said cigarette as he heard an almighty crash behind him.

"Yo!" Ikkaku boomed in greeting, kicking the door aside. Akon glared at him as the bald shinigami swaggered forward, sheathed zanpakuto resting over his shoulders as usual.

"Third Seat Madarame, ya screwed up my gigai's eyes." Akon growled as he pulled out his finger from the mess that was once the gigai's eye. Ikkaku leaned to the side, taking a glimpse of the naked body on the table.

"Tousen, huh? Somethin' tells me he won't really care much about his eyes…I didn't think he had such a-"

"Why are you here?" Akon cut him off. Ikkaku pointed to his face.

"This." He grunted.

"Ah, I see that your nose is severely broken, your cheekbone is misaligned and you're missing roughly half your teeth. What did you say to Yumichika this time?" Akon rolled his eyes.

"I insulted that crazy-lookin' scarf of his. Apparently he likes it well enough to slug me one." He gritted with what was left of his teeth. Akon flicked his used cigarette into a nearby ashtray and lit up another one. He walked by the table, covering the prone body on it and started gathering up a few tools.

"Sit." He pointed to and open seat. Ikkaku sat heavily down on the metal chair and Akon injected his face with some anesthetic. He got a hammer and smashed hard on Ikkaku's nose, breaking it again, causing Ikkaku to flinch slightly. He moved the cartilage around with his hand and started to realign it.

"I heard you guys got a new lieutenant." Ikkaku said nasally.

"Stop talking. Yeah, the captain _made_ a new one. Her name's Nemu and the captain keeps calling her his daughter. I suppose she is, but he treats her like shit. Does your nose feel normal now?" Ikkaku felt his nose; it was a little bumpier but it felt normal.

"Yeah. This Nemu chick, 'sshe hot?"

"The last time I saw her, she was still in bandages and learning how to talk – sit back, I'm going to stick your teeth back in," He opened up a draw with the label 'Ikkaku' and produced eight teeth from it, "Seriously, Madarame, you no longer have any of your own original teeth left; stop taking blows to your head."

"Just as soon as ya stop smoking." Ikkaku smiled incompletely. Akon blew smoke into his face in defiance.

"I'll take that as a no." The horned shinigami pushed Ikkaku's head back and continued facial reconstructive surgery. Half an hour later Ikkaku was sucking his teeth to test if it felt normal.

"I owe ya one, Akon." He patted his face.

"Che, don't mention it. Sake as usual." Akon waved dismissively. Ikkaku smiled with his new teeth before turning around and crashing into Kurotsuchi. Ikkaku didn't apologise, instead he back pedalled until he reached the other side of the room.

"Ah, Third Seat Madarame," Kurotsuchi sneered, or smiled, he couldn't tell, "I've been wanting someone like you to do a favour for me." Ikkaku looked up at the black and white mask the 12th division captain called a 'face'.

"What?" Ikkaku asked suspiciously. He'd heard about the fates of some people who had done 'favours' for Mayuri.

"Teach Nemu how to fight." He stepped aside to reveal a demure young woman be his side. Ikkaku's suspicions were right, she _was_ hot, "She needs muscle memory before I can teach her high-skilled movements; however, I'm a busy man and have no time to teach her the basics."

"…What's in it for me?"

"Oh, some money, some services." Mayuri tugged at his chin knob.

"Alright," _I'll do anything to get to talk to this girl,_ "How much fighting experience does she have?"

"Absolutely nothing," Mayuri hit the girl to Ikkaku's horror, "She doesn't even know how to defend herself." He shrugged. Ikkaku's blood was boiling in outrage,

"I'll train her." He agreed, gritting his teeth.

………

Ikkaku met up with Nemu in the training field, away from any large buildings and people.

"Pleased to meet you."

"Uh, we've already met, so there's no need for formalities." Ikkaku said uneasily. Nemu said nothing, "Okaa-aay, we'll start off with some basic blocks. Nemu-chan, I'm gonna hit you and you're gonna stop it." She nodded. He went for her head slowly, but all she did was flail her arms and the punch still connected. She fell heavily onto the ground.

"Ow," she said flatly. Ikkaku rubbed his head in disbelief.

"Shit, you've gotta be kidding me." He helped her get up. He showed her a correct way to block and she picked it up instantly. He was happy how quick she learned once she got through the first initial slow start.

"Good, it seems ya got all the basics. Come back tomorrow and I'll teach ya some more." He smiled. She bowed and left. She barely spoke a word to him, but he liked that; no unnecessary conversation during training. And so the days past with Nemu coming for training in the afternoon, rain or shine and Ikkaku showing every move he knew.

One particular afternoon, he was teaching her how to kick. Her strength and flexibility was good, but her technique was a bit off.

"Ya gotta be less rigid in your turning leg, otherwise ya could do some damage to it." He tapped her leg. She relaxed her leg and delivered a kick with more power than before.

"Is this good?" She asked. He shrugged.

"It's good, but we'll need some practice," He said, "right, time for some high kicks; try t'reach to the level of my head." He pointed. Poised, she thrust up with one leg. Suddenly he blanched and hid his eyes with one hand.

"Are you alright?"

"Stop kicking up high." His ears turned slighty pink.

"Why, does my technique embarrass you, Madarame-san?"

"No, no," he waved his hands, "it's just that…well…it's just that you don't have panties on."

"Panties?" Nemu cocked her head to the side.

"Panties," he removed his hand, "underwear. You'd've thought that when one wears a miniskirt would also wear panties to hide her…y'know…" He gestured awkwardly.

"No. I don't know."

"J-Just go and ask the women's association…or something…for some before we can continue." He pushed Nemu in the small of the back, back down the path. She went down the path, uncertain of what she was doing.

Ikkaku looked up at the sky, a wide grin spreading over his face, "There is a God." He sighed in satisfaction.

Half an hour passed before she arrived back in the training area.

"Yachiru-san relayed the message: you're a pervert, pachinko-face." She relayed the message. Ikkaku didn't listen; he was busy rolling on the ground laughing. He pointed to the top of her panty-covered head.

"What the hell?" He chocked in mirth.

"Does this amuse you?" Nemu asked innocently.

"Hell yes." Ikkaku pulled the panties off her head, his smile far from fading away.

"Yachiru-san told me to put them on like this."

"Word of advice – don't listen to the brat. Ever. She's usually trying to get some fun out of you. Now y'put those on like hakama."

"Oh," And she proceeded to put her panties on correctly, Ikkaku putting a hand over his eyes (though his fingers were open a fraction), "Ikkaku-san, do you wear panties?"

"Uh. I wear _underwear_, not panties." He said rather taken aback from the question.

"What's the difference?" She asked again.

"Girls wear panties, men wear-" He didn't finish his sentence as Nemu had suddenly pulled down his hakama.

"Man-panties." She pointed. Ikkaku went completely white with shock; never in a thousand years did he expect that. He hurriedly pulled up his pants, colour returned, bright red, to his face.

"Yes. Men wear man-panties. Now would you stop delaying our lesson?!" He strained. _Thank You! Thank You! Thank You, God! _He thought.

And so the lesson went on as usual. Days went by and so did other lessons until Ikkaku had taught her everything he knew.

"Well, that's it," He smiled, resting his released zanpakuto on his shoulder, "I ain't got nothing to teach you anymore."

Nemu sheathed her zanpakuto and bowed, "Thank you, Ikkaku-san." And she made a movement to leave.

"Oi, wait. I've still got one thing left." He said. Nemu turned around only to be tackled to the ground by Ikkaku. She looked mildly alarmed, but he smiled from her side, rolled over and lay in the grass.

"What is this technique called?" She watched him pick up a stalk of grass and chew it.

"It's called 'Relaxing', lie down and try it." She copied him, but picking up a daisy instead and thrusting it between her teeth.

"What's this got to do with fighting?" She asked.

"You do it after fighting. It's good for you." He said, staring up at the fluffy clouds in the sky. They both stayed silent for a few minutes. Ikkaku picked some daisies from within reach and made a daisy chain. He joined the chain together and put it over Nemu's head.

"Don't tell anyone that I know how to make a daisy-chain; it's what happens after you play with Yachiru for too long." He smiled awkwardly. She looked up at the daisy crown with confusion.

"What's this?"

"It just looks pretty, Nemu." He smiled. Nemu smiled back, her first smile.

"Teach me?"

"Okay."

………

Ikkaku came back to the 11th Division headquarters late, happy and completely covered in daisy chains. He opened the doors to find Yumichika, Yachiru, Iba, Renji and Kenpachi enjoying some sake.

"God loves me." He announced cheerfully before shutting the door again and leaving behind a trail of daisies.

"Ho-oly crap, was that Ikkaku?" Renji asked.

"I wish it wasn't." Yumichika sighed.

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	49. Young

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Well, while Kubo's currently rooting out all my previous ideas and theories for Bleach, I'll just post another fanfic. Why is Yachiru not grown up?! I demand a reason why Yachiru is not a teen when Shuu, Gin and Byakuya were all kiddies 100 years ago. It just doesn't make sense. So I tried to make sense of it...and it became crack-worthy.

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**Young**

Yachiru knew she was old. Well, old in human terms. She was well over a century old, maybe even older than two; but she had noticed one strange anomaly recently: she hasn't grown. She remembered when Gin entered the Gotei Thirteen, he was a scrawny runt, barely into puberty. Now he was a full grown man and Yachiru had barely lengthened an inch. She went to Kenpachi to voice her issues.

"Ne, Ken-chan. Why don't I have boobs yet?" She asked him during patrol. Kenpachi found that one _can_ choke on his own saliva.

"Well, um. You're too young. That stuff doesn't happen 'til later."

"But _how_ much later? I haven't even grown and Frost-butt's voice broke the other day _and_ he's younger than me by a whole century!" She moaned.

"Everybody develops sooner or later, yer just a late-bloomer."

"But wanna develop _now_."

"Actually, just be glad that you haven't entered puberty yet, cos puberty in Soul Society lasts for decades and it freaking _sucks_." He smirked at the despondent child. She rolled her eyes.

"Can I at least grow?"

"By all means, grow; grow as tall as you want. You don't need my damn permission." Yachiru glared at Kenpachi's attempt of thinly veiled sarcasm.

"How did you grow?" She asked.

"How the hell should I know? I just ate a lot and then I grew a lot."

"Then I shall eat." She declared. Kenpachi shook his head with a tinkle of bells.

"You'll just get fat. Guys' bodies work differently to girls'."

"Aww, that sucks."

"Don't it? Just be patient, besides, I dunno if you've noticed, but you're getting a bit of a bum." Yachiru's ears reddened as she turned and looked behind her, "Made ya look."

"Ken-chan!" She moaned as they continued down the road.

………

Back at the Headquarters, Yachiru stood alone in her room, standing naked in front of the mirror. She turned around, looking at every inch of her child-like body with distain. Not a single clue that she was growing up, out or around. She looked like an undressed china doll – featureless, lean muscle aside.

"Am I really that young? Maybe there's something wrong." She told herself, "There's gotta be some trigger to get me going." She got herself dressed and took herself to the library.

As she approached, there was a small squeal of terror as the librarian spotted her. Yachiru had gained some notoriety over the years as Librarian-Enemy-Number-One for the general destruction usually left behind by her. Books and fire don't mix.

"G'morning Mr Scaredy Face," she greeted the petrified librarian.

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g" He tried to reply, but failed.

"I'm not here to play today, I'm on serious business."

"O-o-okay," He stuttered, pushing up his glasses up his sweaty nose, "Where's your bankai – I-I mean, your c-captain? I-Is he supervising you today?"

"Nah, like I said, I'm serious business. Can you tell me where the pew-ber-tee books are?" The man pointed with a shaking finger.

"Check Isle 21-A, you'll find them there."

"Thanks! You don't look too well; I heard aspirin helps with bad hearts." She chimed as the man nearly fainted from fear. She walked down the isles and took out the whole shelf of books and began to read.

"_Puberty usually starts around age 12, but can occur anytime between 8 – 16 years of age_; che, I coulda been through it several times already," she read, tossing one book aside, "_Girls may develop earlier if living in the presence of young men_. Bullcrap, if that was the case, I should look like Matsumammary by now. There's nothing in here of any use! Stupid books." She sighed. She lifted herself up and marched passed the foaming librarian.

She walked to the onsen, greeted by the matronly owner. Yachiru was normally better behaved at the onsen than at other public places, so the owner had no reason to fear her…other than the occasional complaint that underwear was missing and replaced with the opposite sex's.

"Good afternoon, Yachiru-chan; which onsen would you be using today?" She asked kindly. As a child Yachiru had the privilege of using both the male (when Ken-chan was around) and female sides and was, in fact, one of the two people who had seen _everyone_ naked (the other, until very recently, was Toushiro, much to his disgust). Not that saw this as a bonus, there were a few people that she did not want to see naked.

"I'm no longer a child, Granny Fat Bottom, I won't be using the men's onsen any more." She declared. The owner flicked her eyes over the girl, slightly amused.

"Oh? Grown boobs have you? They look like a pair of bee stings to me."

"No…I haven't grown any…but I don't want to use the men's side any more. I'm getting too old now." Yachiru said bashfully. The woman nodded and wrote down on a piece of paper.

"Very well, I'll make sure I note that for the future. For now, enjoy your stay here." She smiled giving Yachiru towels. Yachiru smiled and stalked off into the women's bath. She could hear Matsumoto's high laugh along with other women chatting amicably. She undressed and found that she stood next to Matsumoto's pile of clothes. Yachiru reached in and grabbed the red bra on top of the pile.

It was _huge_; Yachiru's head could fit into one of the cups (she checked just to make sure). There was no way she would ever want breasts that size. They must be a real pain to work with.

"Yachiru, what are you doing with my bra on your head?" Matsumoto asked, slightly bewildered. Yachiru stood like a deer caught in the lights.

"Umm, well…I was wondering how you managed to get your boobies so big." She stammered. The woman laughed, wrapping her towel around her and taking the bra off her head.

"Bicycle pump." She smiled slyly.

"You're lying."

"Yeah I am; why do want to know? Do you want some jigglage?" She asked as Yachiru wrapped a towel around her.

"…Yeah…Oppai-nee-san, you're not much older than me, but I haven't grown like you have. Do you think there's a problem with me?" She asked. Mastumoto rubbed her chin thoughtfully.

"Nah…I don't think there's a problem. But if you want to grow…I have a secret spell." She added with a wink.

"Ooo, really? Tell me!"

"It's simple really: just hang upside down, eat a spoonful of sugar and sing the alphabet backwards, and then drink some milk." She stated with a nod. Yachiru looked at her incredulously.

"Ain't that a cure for hiccups?"

"Oh, maybe. Sorry, Yachiru, can't help you then." Matsumoto shrugged, "You'll just have to wait." Yachiru sighed, defeated. There was no way she was going to grow.

………

A few weeks later, she'd given up the idea that she'd grow, but she was still moody since that day. She walked up the stairs to the Headquarters, tripping over a step. _That's odd_, she thought, _I swear that stair was a little higher_. A thought hit her suddenly and she got up and raced to her room. On the wall of her room was a frequently used height chart, but the dashes on the paper were all marked at the same place. She straightened up and marked where she was on the paper.

"Two inches!" She screamed with joy, "Two inches in a week!" She looked down at her chest and clutched at it. She ran to the mirror and opened her shirt, jumping up and down. It was small, but there was some jigglage. Definite jigglage.

"Ken-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" She yelled. Kenpachi, sleeping in the room nearby, had woken up at the sound of her jubilation.

"What?" he asked, peering through her door.

"I have boobs!" She cried, squishing what she had together joyfully. He blinked.

"What?"

"I. Have. Boobs. Let's go bra shopping."

"Bra…shopping…what?!"

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	50. Tears

Ah, you guys and your reviews, much love Omg, I can't believe that I totally forgot how to spell Yumichika's zanpakutou's name! Ah, oh, well. Do you guys like new fillers? I do, much better than bounts so far. This is moar romance for you guys.

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**Tears**

It was peaceful at the 11th Division complex; saying that, however, means that it was peaceful by 11th Division standards. There was a fight happening in the corridor and a rowdy party gathering in the mess hall, spilling outside to the courtyard. Ikkaku and Yachiru sat together on the roof, watching the sun dip below the horizon and eating some 'hard-earned' maguro sushi.

"Man, this stuff is _great_. What did you do to get this off Kuchiki? Blowjob?" Ikkaku asked, savouring the rich fatty tuna with joy.

"No." She rolled her eyes, "He just sent it to me this afternoon for no reason…apart from the fact I'm his…what am I exactly?" She mused to herself, washing down the last piece with some premium sake.

"Girlfriend? Lover? Mistress? Friend with benefits?" He asked, trying to be helpful.

"I'm not any of those…I don't think even _he_ knows what's going on." She sighed, sucking her teeth. She put her head between her knees; the sake was a little potent. She and Byakuya had been seeing each other for about a year, but it really had just been fancy dinners for two and kissing at sunset and not much else.

"I don't think he's ready for another – whatchyacallit – relationship? Yeah, I don't think he's ready yet." He said, taking a sip of his sake.

"Is he still not over Hisana?" She asked rhetorically.

"Che, that man has had a couple of centuries to start moving on. I mean, back in the living world, he could've found the love of his life three or four times in that time frame." He stared at the sunset.

"Don't be so mean, Baldy; I mean, you're still friends with Yumichika right? You haven't stopped being friends with him this whole time, correct?"

"Your point?"

"My point is, is that Soul Society has different laws for relationships than in the real world. Feelings for another person lasts forever here, they don't die with time. I guess that's how Byakuya feels about Hisana."

"Oh, I see what you're getting at," He nodded, "He must feel like he's betraying his wife. That must suck."

Yachiru nodded back sadly. The sun had set below the horizon by now and the fight below had merged with the party, the victors and the defeated enjoying beer together. She chewed the end of her pink bangs, thinking quietly, "I think I'm gonna talk to Byakushi about this." She got up.

"Fine, sounds like you guys need a chat anyway," He shrugged, "before you go, did ya leave some sushi for the captain?"

"Whoops, heheh, totally forgot about Ken-chan." Yachiru chuckled bashfully, "I'll get some more off Byakuya later." And with that, she sped off into the darkening Seireitei.

………

Yachiru _hated_ the mansion. It was big, empty and boring; no mysterious stains, no bustle of people, no noise. Overall, it felt like a graveyard. Even the servants acted like zombies, creeping around as if not to wake the dead…or to pounce on the living as they arrive and eat their brains.

As usual, she'd snuck into the complex without any commotion from the guards. If a daring thief decided to rob the place, they could easily strip the nobles of their fortunes in a night. The thing is, no thief was daring enough.

Byakuya wasn't anywhere to be found. She could trace him with his riatsu, but she was just too lazy to do that anyway. She checked his bedroom, poked her nose into Rukia's room, dining room, kitchen, everywhere and all she found was Renji and Rukia snuggling on the couch. She walked past a screen guarding another annex; sighing, she opened the screen to find nothing but a cabinet on the other side of the room.

"Oh, this must be," She walked inside, down the carpet, "Hisana's." Moonbeams slanted down through the windows, creating an air of tranquillity. She stroked the cedar woodwork down to the handles. With a slight tug, the doors opened easily without a sound; well oiled and well used. Hisana's smiling portrait stared out at her, looking uncannily like Rukia.

"Um…hi!" Yachiru waved at the portrait nervously, "I'm Yachiru Kusajishi, if you remember. I wasn't very big the last time you saw me; I was this little titch of a girl who would sometimes play with your husband – I mean, um, play games and stuff. Oh, I dunno why I'm talking to a portrait of a dead girl," Hisana said nothing back, but continued smiling, "Look, um, I feel really bad for saying this, but…I'm kinda seeing Byakuya now…and I like him a lot. I don't want you to be upset with me, or hate me…I, um, I promise to take really good care of him, okay?

Yachiru paused, tears coming to her eyes, "He's doing real good, y'know? He's been smiling a little bit like he used to, before you died. I don't think he was ready for you to go when you did…it hurt him a lot, and I don't think his heart's been properly healed since…all I know is that he loves you the most. I can never compete with you; only Rukia has ever made him as happy as you, but only as a sister," She was sobbing now, pouring her heart out to a silent portrait, "I wish – I wish I could feel only a little part of the love, just like what he gave to you. Even just a tiny ray and that would make me the happiest woman on the planet.

"My heart hurts, Hisana; it's so heavy with guilt cos I feel like the other woman. I don't want him to be sad anymore Hisana, if only I…if only I could make him as happy as you made him," She sighed, wiping away her tears with the edge of her sleeve. She looked beside the portrait and in the gloom she picked up a small stone half. Her eyes widened: it was the same stone she had given Byakuya nearly two centuries ago after Hisana's funeral. She fumbled around in her pockets and found her stone half: it was worn and battered; she'd kept it with her through almost every day and every battle, it even saved her life on one occasion. She put the stones together, perfectly moulded.

A hand reached down from behind her, closing her hand over the stone pair, "I've kept it." Byakuya said.

"How long have you listening?" She asked tearfully.

"Since you re-introduced yourself, Yachiru. Your ability to sense riatsu still has much left to be desired." He stood behind her, placing his hand on her shoulder, "A very emotional speech. I doubt Hisana has seen so many tears before."

"I dunno why, but it all just came out." She sniffed, dabbing at the corner of her eyes, "I can't believe you've kept the stone after all this time."

"I've kept it as a reminder, almost a contract that I need to heal and carry on. It takes a while for the heart to heal, but I didn't anticipate for it to take me quite so long."

"Two hundred years."

"One hundred and eighty-five to be exact. But that's beside the point…"

"And the point is?" She enquired, grabbing his arms and wrapping them around her.

"I feel happy. You've made me happy." He admitted. Her heart leapt to her throat and tears began to sting the corners of her eyes again, "Tch, more tears? I've never seen you weep so much, Yachiru. Not since you were a child." He took out a silk handkerchief and dried her cheeks.

"These are different tears. Good tears."

"That's good," he said, resting his head on hers, "Hisana, would you give us your blessings? I won't be offended if you don't." He asked. It was silent for a few seconds before the wind picked up outside. The breeze picked up the tail end of Byakuya's scarf and draped it over Yachiru's shoulder. Yachiru stroked the scarf, amazed.

"Thank you Hisana." She whispered to the portrait. Byakuya released the hand he was holding the stones with. With great ceremony, he placed them beside Hisana's portrait. Slowly, Byakuya reached for the cedar doors and shut them with a click.

"Goodnight, Hisana." He murmured, taking Yachiru by the hand and leading her away.

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Third person to message gets their prompt written!


	51. Poison

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You guys are gonna _hate_ me for writing this one heheh. Oh, and the person who won (forgive me I forgot your name) Recommended ribbons as a next prompt. Heee :)

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**Poison**

Yumichika knows when people fall in love; it was a special talent of his. It didn't matter how poker-faced the person was, Yumichika could see it as if it was painted across their faces. And ninety percent of the time, he could usually tell who was in love with who, which made it easier to come up with blackmail. He was, however, quite surprised to see his best friend smitten by a woman for the first time in decades.

"So who's the lucky girl?" He asked suddenly one night as they came back from patrol. Ikkaku looked at him with a frown.

"What are you talkin' about? I'm seeing no one." He replied waspishly.

"It's Nemu isn't it? She is quite a gorgeous creature, I don't blame you." Yumichika twittered, hiding his wry smile with a slim hand. Ikkaku's ears went red, which told Yumichika that he'd hit the blackmail jackpot.

"I'm not seeing her." He growled quietly, not wanting to raise his voice in such a public area; someone might overhear.

"You're lying, I can tell. How ugly." He replied haughtily. Ikkaku looked away, his eyes dancing as he controlled some of the emotions playing up inside him, "But there's also some truth in there."

"Trying to have a relationship with Nemu is hard, ok?" He snapped, "Just drop it, alright?" He marched away a little quicker in front of his friend. Even Yumichika knew when to drop such a delicate subject, but he was still curious. Why couldn't he be more open about it? It's not like he's committed any sins.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to be so nosy." He admitted, catching up to Ikkaku. The bald shinigami looked at him and sighed.

"I'm sorry too. Let's just forget about it for now. Let's go get some booze." Yumichika nodded, slightly disappointed that he wouldn't hear much more of his relationship issues; but, for some reason, he just needed to find out.

………

Yumichika walked down to the "I.V.", the bar that most 12th Division shinigami drank and socialised at. At stark contrast to the 12th Division headquarters, the bar was bright and fragrant and furnished with retro armchairs and glass tables. Yumichika thought this was very out-of-character for those that frequent it, but he thought it was just because they wanted to relax without being reminded of the dark dingy corridors of the division. And it appealed greatly to Yumichika's tastes, which was probably why no one raised their heads when he entered. He scanned the bar and found who he was looking for.

Akon sat at a window, alone, enjoying a cigarette and some bourbon on the rocks. He waved as Yumichika came closer; they knew each other quite well and were friends, which most people were surprised to hear.

"Yo," he said as Yumichika sat opposite him, "What brings you here?"

"I actually wanted to ask you something." Yumichika began.

"If you're asking about the special cosmetic procedures, then it's best if you go and ask Rin. I've got other jobs to do. Smoke?" He offered a cigarette.

"Uh, no thanks. And no, I don't want to talk about that; who do you take me for anyway?" Yumichika huffed, "I'm here to ask about Nemu."

"What about her?"

"Is she taken?" Akon blinked and laughed, surprised.

"I didn't take you for one to be interested in Nemu, but hey, you can't predict anyone these days." He chuckled.

"If I was to say a friend liked her, hypothetically, would she be interested in dating? I mean, she doesn't seem to be the sociable type."

"Well, if your 'friend' likes her, it's safe to say that she's no-go. Even if she did like 'your friend', she wouldn't physically be able to get close to him."

"Oh, why is that?"

"She's poison. The captain has pumped her with toxins just so she is protected from those who try to take advantage of her or her body. One kiss would probably mean death…sex is out of the question – your dick'll probably fall off or something like that." Akon explained, snuffing out his cigarette in the ash tray. Yumichika mulled over this new information as Akon lit up another one.

"Does she know about this? It seems so cruel."

"She knows perfectly well…as for what she thinks of this, it's hard to judge her emotions. The captain views her no much more that a tool he can use. It's quite sad, really."

"What if Nemu wanted a relationship? Could she counteract the poisons?"

"I doubt Nemu would want a relationship in the first place, in fear for angering the captain. But if she did, I suppose she could. She does have knowledge of most antidotes," Akon paused to take a sip of bourbon, "But, tell 'your friend' that it's not worth even trying, it'll just end in tragedy."

Yumichika's face was blank, but inside was turmoil, "Thanks for the information, Akon-san." He got up to leave.

"Pleasure…I hope I didn't break your heart or anything." He said, "Hey stay for a drink, there's a special for cosmopolitans."

"Tempting, but no. I'm in a hurry. Excuse me." Yumichika stepped away quickly; he had to find Ikkaku before he did anything stupid.

………

Yumichika never confronted Ikkaku about it, once he'd returned to the division headquarters, he realised that Ikkaku probably already knew anyway. Weeks passed as Yumichika noticed he had disappeared a couple of hours every few days, in fact, Yachiru noticed as well.

"Where has Baldy gone to?" She asked one night, "D'ya think he's gotta date?" Yumichika smiled weakly.

"Who knows? It's his own business. I hope she's beautiful."

"Maybe you should follow him next time. After all, _he_ followed _you_." She suggested innocently. Yumichika nodded; maybe he should…just to see if he's okay.

He was certainly a lot better of stalking the shadows than Ikkaku was; the bald man never noticing him as he jumped from rooftop and tree-to-tree. Sure enough, on a hill out of prying eyes, Nemu was waiting for him. They embraced and sat down on the grassy knoll. Yumichika shook his head; he was a fool for following them so far; the meeting was perfectly innocent. Was he that jealous? He turned and left, his face burning in shame.

He walked along the darkened street, sighing. He wasn't expecting the 12th Division captain to appear behind him, grasping his shoulder hard.

"Taicho!" Yumichika gasped as he was spun around and pinned against the wall. Yumichika had never seen the masked man so livid.

"You're friends with that pathetic third seat aren't you?" Mayuri spat, his hand gripping tighter.

"What are you talking about? I'm – argh!" he screamed as something hot was shoved into his chest. He looked down to see a small syringe sticking out of his chest.

"Madarame and Nemu!" He yelled, "I know they've been seeing each other, but Nemu's been smart enough to shake me off. Where's the slut?"

The full extent of what had been shoved into him became apparent as soon as Yumichika opened his mouth, "They're outside Seireitei, on the grassy knoll in North First district, five minutes from here." A truth serum, he gritted. Mayuri flung him to the side and disappeared. Yumichika couldn't move, he didn't know whether it was from shock or something from the serum.

Ikkaku's riatsu flared up and Yumichika knew he had to move. He got up groggily, his legs felt like lead. He friend would be killed, and it was all his fault for being nosy. A hand grasped him on the shoulder and he flinched, fearing Mayuri had come back.

"I heard a fight was in town." Kenpachi grinned, hoisting Yumichika to his feet.

"Ikkaku is in trouble!" Yumichika cried. Kenpachi lifted him over his shoulder.

"I know, you fuckin' pansy," he leapt ahead towards the fighting riatsu, "I was nearby and I have a bone to pick with that freak for attackin' my subordinates and hittin' women." It was the first time Yumichika saw Kenpachi planning to interfere with a fight. Yachiru was no where to be seen, which probably meant that Kenpachi was heading for a massacre.

Kenpachi got there reasonably quickly, only taking a wrong turn once, which was a bit of a miracle. Yumichika was dumped onto the ground; limply he lifted his head to what he saw: Mayuri was slowly torturing a paralysed Ikkaku, his zanpakuto in pieces. Nemu looked like a broken doll, limbs twisted and torn, hardly breathing. Sadistic glee and rage danced across Mayuri's face as Kenpachi approached him.

"Come for a fight?" He asked. If there two captains who both hated and admired each other the most, it would be Kurotsuchi and Kenpachi. But Kenpachi wasn't looking for a fight, he wanted blood. Before Mayuri could react, Kenpachi ripped off his eyepatch and lunged forward, grabbing the smaller captain by the neck.

"You're not even worth to use a sword on." He grinned, crushing his throat. Yumichika couldn't watch as his captain ripped away digit by digit, limb by limb. He crawled over to where Ikkaku was lying, blood seeping through the many wounds as Mayuri's screams split the night air.

"Ikkaku, are you alright?" He asked. Ikkaku stared directly above him.

"Don't talk to me, you traitor." He spat, not even turning to look at him, "Mayuri told me before he stabbed me that you'd told him about us and where we were." Yumichika was shocked.

"Ikkaku…" He grasped his shirt, "I didn't tell him about you two and he only got the information about where you guys were by attacking me. I'm telling the truth."

"You spied on me, you nosy prick. I told you to mind your own business!" he yelled.

"And I'm sorry!" Yumichika yelled. Ikkaku grabbed a shard of his zanpakuto and with great difficulty, laid it against Yumichika's neck.

"You've ruined perhaps the few great joys in my life. Nemu is very special to me and you've made me throw all that away! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now." He gritted, pressing just hard enough for a bead of blood to drip. Yumichika looked sorrowfully at his friend.

"I have no reason. Just…" He leant forward, the metal biting a little deeper, "just do it quickly." Ikkaku's arm shook, little streams of blood stained the orange scarf Yumichika always wore. He withdrew the blade, his face contorted with pain.

"Fuck…Yumi, I can't. I can't lose two people I love tonight," His hand dropped, "Nemu." Yumichika twisted his head around and looked at the sad, broken body. She blinked at him, her chest rising and falling gently.

"She's still alive," He said, "I can't believe she's still breathing." Ikkaku visibly seemed to collapse.

"She's alright…" Ikkaku sighed, "There is a God." Yumichika dropped his head and sighed in relief, he'd truly believed that Ikkaku would've killed him, "I still won't forgive you though."

"I understand."

"Oh, well. At least watching taicho ripping Kurotsuchi apart makes this a lot less worse."

………

The tension never truly melted between Yumichika and Ikkaku afterwards. It was weeks before they even said a word to each other, and years before they could stay in the same room together; a wall had been erected between them, high and substantial. It was Kenpachi and Yachiru who ripped down the wall in the end.

"You two are idiots." He slammed their heads together as they were arguing heatedly about…something insignificant (they'd forgotten).

"Ken-chan's right. I haven't seen anything so dumb since Ken-chan got his butt bazooka'd," she ranted, earning a reproachful look from Kenpachi, "you two were friends, saving each other's arses since the beginning of time, and now you're fighting about _peanuts_ of all things. Peanuts! That's _so_ stupid!"

"I guess it is kinda stupid." Ikkaku rubbed his forehead, feeling the welt rise. Yumichika looked guiltily at him.

"Understatement of the century." Yachiru nodded.

"I'm sorry for being a nosy prick." Yumichika said.

"Yeah, well. I'm sorry for being a bastard." Ikkaku smiled crookedly.

"And I'm sorry for hearing all this sappy shit," Kenachi growled, "Now get down to the bar for a few drinks before I force happiness and friendship back down your throats." He kicked them to their feet and out the door. Maybe it didn't matter if there was a wall between them, just as long there was a door in that wall, Yumichika thought as Ikkaku smiled at him for the first time in years.


	52. Precious

I'm uploading this real quick cos I have an exam in like twenty minutes, so I'll be quick. A look into Kenpachi's kiddy past, yay!

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**Precious**

He had no name. Or rather, he had plenty of names, but none that he could call his own; bastard, brat, boy, idiot, the kid with the sword…all apply to him. As long as he knew who he was, it didn't matter.

He wasn't that tall and his voice hadn't broken, yet his face had a long scar down the left side of his face and he carried around a sword slightly longer than he was and just as skinny. The people of Zaraki and the other poorer areas generally avoided him as he was volatile at the best of times and was deceptively good with his sword. He kept to himself and that suited everyone just fine. He always had seemed to be in a fight or nearby, luckily as was the case with Kinya.

"Take that y'scrawny lump!" A large teen smacked the blind beggar boy across the face. The boy crumpled to the ground, spitting blood. From his tattered jinbei little coins fell out and scattered across the ground. Two other boys dropped and gathered up the coins, hooting with laughter.

"No! Stop! I need those!" Kinya cried, before he was landed with a kick in the stomach.

"Shuttap y'filthy whore!" The teen shouted, raising a hand for another blow but was stopped by a small but firm grip on his wrist.

"Oi," the black-haired kid huffed, "the kid's half dead 'n' he wasn't strong to begin with." The teen swung his hand down away from his grip.

"Who the fuck're you?"

"No one." The boy replied, punching the teen in the throat. The teen collapsed gurgling and his companions looked around, horrified, "C'mon, I ain't got all day."

"Run!" one of the boys cried and began to turn; the scarred boy swung out his sheathed sword, tripping him up.

"I really don't like running, but I can run fast…faster than you," He stood over him, his hand open and expecting, "Gimme the money you stole, cos I'm not gonna get any other satisfaction from whipping yer wimpy arses."

The boy dropped the coins on the ground while his companion picked up the injured teen and they scampered away. The scarred boy looked down at the coins and picked them up, counting them as he walked away. A hand swung out and gripped his leg, stopping him.

"Wait, I need that money." Kinya pleaded. The boy looked down into his blind eyes, unmoved.

"So do I, I gotta eat somehow…besides, it's only begging money right? You'd earn it again tomorrow." The boy shrugged, the sword shifting on his shoulder.

"I don't have tomorrow!" Kinya cried, "My sister is dying of fever and I need the medicine! Please have mercy!" Big tears rolled down his face. The other boy screwed up his eyes and nose as if resisting an evil thought. He handed the boy the coins.

"Psh, I don't believe in mercy but I hate seeing people acting so weak and…wet." He flicked his dark eyes over the tears and mucus on Kinya's small face. Upon hearing this, Kinya broke into more tears.

"Thank you, thank you!" He bowed. Kinya got up and collapsed back on the ground again; the other boy rolled his eyes and heaved him up by the collar.

"Won't be good if you go 'n' die before you help your sister, right?" The scarred boy said, lifting Kinya over his shoulder. Kinya couldn't believe how physically strong he was, "And once we get back to you place, dinner would be great. I haven't eaten in _ages_." He started off at a quick run. Kinya clutched the cotton on the boy's shoulders and wept.

"Of course, thank you."

………

"Man, what a dump." The boy whistled as he looked at Kinya's home.

"It's all we have." Kinya smiled through a thick lip and a black eye. The house was best described as a two or three storied pile of trash with windows. Around the house played young children and some young teens but as he looked closer, he noticed that all the children were deformed in some way; missing limbs, eyes, paralysed. A girl of about ten or eleven saw Kinya and ran towards him, a look of relief on her face; not that she had much of a face. The right side of her body was burnt and scarred, her right eye hollow and ear just a nub of tissue. She'd even tried to pull what was left of her hair over to hide it, but it barely covered her pitted skull.

"Oh, Kinya! Thank goodness you're here. Do you have the medicine?" She asked frantically. Kinya placed the medicine in her hand and she raced back into the house. The scarred boy looked at the house and the girl with a blank expression.

"This is a home for those that are shunned by society," Kinya answered his unvoiced question, "No body accepts us…not even in Zaraki or Kusajishi; there, we are called freaks and monsters and are attacked if we show our faces. This is the only place which is reasonably safe. We call this place District 81…or Home."

"Home." The boy repeated, as if learning a new word.

"Come inside, Raicho is making dinner tonight." Kinya grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. It was clean and surprisingly comfortable, but very cramped and the corridors were potential death traps, but the blind boy could navigate these with ease. They entered what could only be described as a communal dining room and the cook, a one-legged boy hopped over to Kinya. He slapped him over the head with a wooden spatula.

"You're late! Junko is nearly dead and what have you got to say for yourself?! You had me worried! And these bruises! You were fighting! Why I shoulda…eh? Who's this?" Raicho asked, only just noticing the boy with the sword. The scarred boy shrugged his sword higher on his shoulder, waving.

"Yo. I'm hungry."

"You can't just let anyone in who's hungry!" Raicho screeched at Kinya, "You don't know where he's been!" He looked at him in distaste as if he was a puppy that had rolled in something smelly.

"I know where you're gonna be in a second, bucko." He sneered, touching his sword hilt. Kinya waved his hands frantically.

"He's a friend, Raicho; I owe him at least a dinner. Please feed him, I need to go see Junko." And with that, the blind boy spun around and disappeared behind the door. Raicho glared at the nameless boy, sucking his teeth.

"Very well," He hopped over to the massive rice cooker, scooping out a large meal of white rice, "Enjoy your meal…uh, um…what's your name?" He placed the massively laden bowl in front of the boy.

"Don't got one. Thanks for the meal." He replied, wolfing it down.

"No name? How unusual…what do other people call you?"

"Baftard, usfully." His mouth was full of rice.

"Then where are you from?"

"Faraki."

"Zaraki, huh? I'll call you Zaraki-kun then." Zaraki lifted his head up, no one had actually called him by a title before, "We sometimes get kids that come in with no names either, so we call them by the place they were found; it saves for confusion later."

"I hate Zaraki," Zaraki gulped, "It's a bad place…I don't wanna be named after that place. More." He held up his finished bowl expectantly.

"This is not a restaurant; we barely have enough for everyone to eat, let alone enough for seconds." Raicho snapped, snatching the bowl away. Zaraki slumped in his chair unimpressed. Raicho rolled his eyes and opened the window outside and screamed that dinner was ready. In a few seconds, the whole dining room was suddenly filled with children. Very curious children.

"Hey, who's this?" A boy with Down's syndrome asked.

"Whoa! Lookit that sword!"

"Wah! What a scary face."

"It's scarier than yours, Chu-chan!"

"Hey! No fair!" Chu-chan, the burnt girl retorted.

"Hith hair'th tho thoft." A girl with a cleft lip giggled, ruffling Zaraki's hair.

"Oi, stop touching." He growled menacingly, but fell flat because his heart wasn't into it.

"There ein't nutting wrong wit him." A boy with twisted legs piped up.

"Whyz he doin' here then?"

"That's because he helped me today save Junko." Kinya announced as he entered the room.

"Yay! Junko's alright!" They cheered.

"What'th your name?" The girl with the cleft lip asked Zaraki.

"His name's Zaraki." Raicho answered for him, causing the boy to flip around and reach for his sword.

"Don't answer for me, y-" but his curse was stopped by children hugging him.

"Yay! Zaki-chan!" They said, mispronouncing Zaraki, "You helped save Mummy Junko!"

"Well, I, um," Zaraki looked down and around for help, "I did?"

"You did and for that, you get seconds." Kinya nodded, receiving a glare from Raicho, but served out his bowl all the same.

………

Zaraki sat outside, uncorking some sake he'd carried with him, watching the sun set. Kinya approached him, sitting down next to him.

"The children like you." Kinya said pleasantly. Zaraki knew he was trying to make small talk, but he was never quite good at it.

"So? I'm just about to go anyway," He lifted himself off the porch, "thanks for the food."

"Hang on, Zaraki-kun." Kinya motioned.

"My name's not Zaraki." He huffed, shrugging the sword onto his shoulder.

"Stay with us."

"Stay?" He asked; it was a word he didn't understand very well because he never slept or stayed in the same place for more than a night.

"Yes, stay, please. We need someone to protect this place."

"Protect?" This was another word he didn't use often.

"Every week or so, people try to get rid of us, or just try to hassle us. We need someone with a sword to help." Kinya offered, "Board and food is free."

"How much fighting is there?" Zaraki asked. Fighting, now _that_ was a word he could understand; and so was free food.

"Plenty, once a week at least." Kinya sighed. Zaraki looked at the boy and saw no lie there, just sadness, "This place is precious to me and I would protect it with my life, but as you can see, I'm not a good fighter."

"Precious, huh?" another lesser-used word, "Alright, if it's that precious to you... Besides, that rice was good. Better than the stuff I get usually."

"So it's a deal then?" Kinya brightened.

"It's a deal."

………

Kinya wasn't lying about the attacks on District 81. Every week or more, a mob of mostly younger people threw things at the house and at the people inside. Zaraki stopped whatever he was doing at the time (which was mostly insulting Raicho) and went out for a good, old scrap. He came back victorious every time with a varying degree of scratches, injuries and satisfaction. Rarely did he have to draw out his sword and rarer still he killed someone, but soon rumours were circulating his strength, growing stronger with each year he stayed.

"Zaki-kun! Guess what I heard 'bout you in the market!" Junko asked, excitedly. Junko, the house mother, had nothing outwardly wrong with her and was the one who could interact with society and buy groceries from the market. She was, however, intergender, mostly female than male.

"What? That I'm a big fat idiot?" He asked, looking up from his post on the sunny bit on the porch, "That's not news to me."

"They were calling you The Kenpachi from Zaraki!" She said. Zaraki burst out laughing, clutching his stomach.

"They called me what?! Just by defeating a couple of dweebs?! The Kenpachi's a super-strong guy who's defeated _thousands_ of idiots. I've only defeated a couple of hundred of idiots at best, and that includes people that still live."

"But, Zaki-kun, you _are_ very strong." She said. Kinya appeared from behind the door.

"Junko-nee, Raicho wants you inside." He said. He noticed Zaraki on the porch and sat next to him.

"The Kenpachi of Zaraki, s'got a good ring to it." Zaraki mused.

"Indeed. You need to fight a lot for a title like that."

"Doesn't bother me."

"What do you think about when you're fighting?" Kinya asked spontaneously.

"Nothing. Thinking gets in the way."

"You're not fighting for something? To protect something precious?"

"I fight for…nothing. Just to feel the rush I guess…You're in a thinkin' mood today, Kinya, and I don't like it when you're thinkin' cos it gets _me_ thinkin', and that ain't good for anyone." Zaraki huffed, pulling an arm over his eyes to keep out the sun. Kinya smirked.

"I suppose I am. But, you've been here for several years now; don't you fight for this place? For the people you live with?"

"I fight for nothing. No one. Not justice. Not peace. Not war. Not even for the ones I live with. Nothing." Zaraki replied, yawning.

"You must have something."

Zaraki paused for a bit, "No, nothing."

Kinya sucked his teeth, thinking and got up, "I think you need something to fight for," he added almost as an afterthought, "See you at dinner, Zaraki."

"Stop calling me that." Zaraki never thought about it before, but he realised that Kinya was right; he had nothing precious to fight for. No reason to smite his enemies. Everyone had their reasons, whether it is for power or honour or a good time. Zaraki conceded that although he did enjoy a fight, he only enjoyed it if the play was good and interesting. He never had a good time with weaklings. What was it he fights for? Kinya would sacrifice his life for this place…he sacrificed his body every night anyway, just to earn food for the table. What did Kinya fight for? Zaraki would never know.

The sun reached its zenith when Zaraki noticed the sound of a rather large mob heading towards District 81. He grinned, reaching out for his sword.

"Mob!" He yelled and everyone nearby rushed into the house, lest they wanted to get in the way of his fight. It was an angry mob too, not that Zaraki ever knew why it was angrier this week, but he was up for a challenge. He walked up to the approaching crowd and stood in front of them, effectively stopping them in their tracks.

"Move aside, brat!" A man with a torch said. There had to be around 100 people milling about behind him.

"'Fraid I can't let y'bastards through." Zaraki said, "Leave." The man took no heed of him and raced forward. There was a streak of silver and the man was left holding his neck, rivulets of blood slipping between his fingers, "I told you all to leave…but if you wanna fight, I'll gladly accept your offer."

"Get him!" They yelled, leaping upon him, weapons raised. Zaraki smiled, racing through them. His sword seemed to sing as it whistled through the air and his opponents fell like rice to a sickle.

_The Kenpachi of Zaraki,_ he thought as he dived into the crowd, _This must be what a Kenpachi feels like, fighting like this. If I forget about the outside world for a moment…I might almost believe I'm a Kenpachi._ He paused, looking at the crowd with wild eyes, soaked with the blood of others. The sun was low in the sky now and more people seem to be coming just to fight him. _What do I fight for? Maybe I should fight for place I live, just like what Kinya does._ He smiled as a shudder went through him, _I should fight for Home._

"Zaraki!" someone screamed behind him. Zaraki turned and saw that some of the mob had broken away and were at the very doors of his home. Kinya and Junko were fighting hard, but both were injured. The mob was throwing torches and part of the house was on fire. Inside, the children began to scream as it spread, "Zaraki! Help us!"

Suddenly, Zaraki knew why he never fought for anything. If you fight for something precious, suddenly you're afraid you will lose it. Fear. Horror. Dread. Those things were not good tools for a fight: it dulls the senses and slows reactions. He never fought for his own life, because then he'd be afraid of losing it. It would be his downfall.

He stopped, suddenly unsure what to do. Watching with horror as more torches were being flung onto the house. For a second he forgot he was in the middle of a fight and in a second, someone took that opening and smacked him over the head. His breath escaped him and for the brief moment he was still conscious, he could only see the burning house.

………

………

His mouth tasted like blood and his head throbbed massively. Rain poured down, cold and sharp, pooling around his body. His sword lay beside him, lying dormant against his fingertips. His whole body ached and it felt like he was paralysed. He opened his eyes and stared in front of him. His eyes looked like those of a drowned person, empty and dull.

"It's gone." He said into the darkness. His arms were broken; the mob must've kicked him after he fell unconscious. It was nothing he couldn't cope with. He shakily got up from where he lay and lurched towards the ruins. It was still smoking. Outside the door or where it used to be lay the forms of dead children. Most of them would've run out, only to be killed by the mob. Not everyone was there, he noticed, some of them died in the fire. He collapsed next to them, empty.

"Raicho, you punk, are you alive?" He asked the one-legged corpse protecting the dead cleft-lipped little girl, "Chu-chan? Junko? Niji? Kinya?" There was a shudder from Kinya's corpse.

"Zaraki." It gasped. Zaraki stumbled over to where he was.

"Kinya!" he cried.

"It's good to see…you didn't lose." By Zaraki's standards, that meant he didn't die.

"You fool, you made me think back there. I told you that me thinkin' was good for no one." wincing as he used his broken arms to hoist Kinya up into his lap, "Now I've lost one of the best things that has ever happened to me."

"One of the best, huh?" He coughed up blood, "I'm glad you ranked this place so highly then, that's more than anyone could….hope for," his breathing slowed, "I think I did well… to keep this place going…"

"You did good." Zaraki nodded, even though Kinya couldn't see the nod.

"Keep fighting, Zaraki…and find something else worth…fighting for." He gurgled and his eyes went dark, staring. Zaraki sat alone, his eyes as dead as the corpse. He felt like this once, a long time ago. He got up, gingerly holding his sword. Once again, he was alone and nameless.

_Shame, I liked this place. Maybe one day I'll find something precious to fight for again, like Kinya. Maybe one day. And then I won't hesitate protecting it, _The boy thought as he limped away, _huh, 'The Kenpachi of Zaraki'…cool name._

* * *

My thoughts on the new chapters: _Shunsui is a pedo bear._ Ok, got that off my chest.

And I was wondering about how valid this is for a theory: What if Isshin was a Shiba? Like Kuukaku, Kaien and Ganjyuu's brother? That could explain why Ichigo and Kaien look similar and why Karin looks like a baby Kuukaku...


	53. Tea Part I

I have returned to crack. My exams are nearly over and I'm quite happy about that...but I dunno if I'm gonna pass this year, so it looks like work until the rest of semester.

Lesson Number One To Survive Soul Society: Never eat any food in, near or around Twelfth Division

* * *

  


**Tea Part I**

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was in a very good mood. He'd successfully completed a rather difficult experiment involving chromosomal transformation and protein realignment on a macro scale with regards to mammalian-primate bodies. It had been a daring assignment and he'd finally got the drug into a powdered form. He placed the tin on his desk amongst other bits and pieces he hadn't cleaned up yet. He slumped over to his computer, mulling over solitaire.

"Taicho," Akon appeared at the entrance of his door, "5th Seat Ayasegawa has arrived. He's here to collect the reports on the 11th Division Gigais and to return Zaraki's eyepatch for calibration."

"Bring him in." He sighed. It seemed that the narcissistic man was around all the time for admin work, much more than Mayuri would've liked. Yumichika floated in, a box under his arm.

"Good morning, Kurotsuchi taicho." He chimed, also seeming to be in a good mood.

"Leave the eyepatch on the desk," he replied, not looking up from the solitaire interface, "Rin will give you the documents on the way out."

"What's that beautiful smell?" Yumichika sniffed, picking something up, "Is that tea?"

Mayuri's mind wandered, remembering he did have tea somewhere on his desk, "Oh, that. Akon gave me that last week. Take it if you want, tea is not my thing. I much prefer coffee." Mayuri waved behind him, his good mood dropping a little.

"Why thank you, taicho. I shall be back to pick the eyepatch up later." Yumichika left quickly, Mayuri getting the feeling that he didn't want to be in that office for too much longer.

It was a couple of hours later when Mayuri finally peeled himself away from his computer. He went to pick up his new drug from the desk and grasped air. He paused, lifted his hand away and went down to pick it up again: nothing there. He looked properly, scanning the desk for a small airtight tin. Then he saw the tea, lying there innocently in the midst of the mess.

"Well…" He gritted, "this should be interesting."

………

"Tea?" Yumichika offered his captain. The porcelain teapot steamed on the tray, indicating it was freshly made. Kenpachi stared at it suspiciously; he hadn't forgotten the last time he consumed something made by Yumichika; not to mention he was a little cautious about drinking from something gold-rimmed and floral as was the case with the tea cup. Its very presence made him question his sexuality.

"I could do with a cup of tea." Ikkaku reached behind his friend for a cup, taking a quick sip, immune as he was to floral teacups and anything else questionable from Yumichika, "hey, this stuff ain't half bad." He drank the rest down.

"Thank you," he smirked, "C'mon captain, have a cup. It's only tea."

"Hmn." Kenpachi stared at Ikkaku for a second.

"Captain?"

"Are ya feeling weird? A little high perhaps?" He asked Ikkaku.

"It's only tea. No one can screw that up even if they tried." Ikkaku shook his head.

"If it's any consolation, I had a cup myself." Yumichika shrugged, putting the tea tray down, "there's nothing wrong with it."

Famous last words.

Kenpachi took the cup and took a sip.

"Not bad. Right temperature too." He drained the rest down. There was an urgent knock on the door. Yumichika opened the door and was surprised to see Kurotsuchi there. Kurotsuchi looked at the tea set and at the three shinigami in front of him.

He huffed, "You drank the tea. Damn."

"Did you change your mind about the tea?" Yumichika asked, looking to where Kurostuchi was staring at, "I thought you didn't like tea."

The twelfth division captain looked up and down Yumichika, "If it all ends well, I could use you as test subjects."

"Test subjects? Because we drank your tea?"

"Hold on…Yumichika, did you say it was _his_ tea?" Kenpachi's face drained, connecting what dots he had.

"We drank 12th Division tea? _You made us drink something from 12__th__ Division?!_" Ikkaku's voice squeaked at Yumichika a little higher than he expected. He clutched his throat, horrified, "What was in that tea?!"

"…5…4…3" Mayuri counted, "…2…1…"

Suddenly Yumichika doubled over with a strangled cry. Ikkaku and Kenpachi looked over to what was happening, little beads of sweat beginning to break on their brows.

"What the…"

"You will probably survive this," Mayuri explained as Yumichika sunk to the ground, "but the effects are a little…interesting."

"Probably survive? _Interesting_!?" Ikkaku yelped as he too doubled over. Kenpachi knew he was going to be next and could feel the event horizon drawing nearer.

"Of course it gets a little interesting when you become the opposite gender." Mayuri smirked as Kenpachi doubled down as well, falling unconscious

………

………

"Zaraki…wake up, you're still alive." Mayuri could be heard over the ringing in his ears. Kenpachi opened one eye and groaned, rolling over. It was then he noticed.

"Holy fuck! I've lost some _very important_ body parts!" He jumped up in horror. He put his hands over his mouth in horror. His voice! He patted his face and neck…so small…no Adam's apple…smaller jaw. He looked down at the inevitable and screwed his…her eyes shut.

"Out of professional curiosity, how do you feel?" Mayuri asked, crouching down beside him, his expression one of amused curiosity.

"Jiggly." She replied. She opened her eyes again and stared around the room. Yumichika was looking at herself in the mirror, both horrified and impressed; while Ikkaku was looking down her top, very perplexed. To add to Kenpachi's horror, the door opened to the office and Yachiru came in.

"Heya Ken…chan…" She stopped dead at the door as she saw her, her eyes wide, "Sorry wrong room." She stepped back and closed the door. There was a ten second pause before the door opened again, her little pink head just peeping around. "_Ken-chan?_"

"I assure you he's Kenpachi…save for a Y-chromosome." Mayuri sighed. Yachiru walked carefully towards her, her big eyes trying to get a hold of the situation.

"Ken-chan…you have boobies…and they're _huge_!" she reached forward to touch them to see if the were real.

"Don't touch them!" Kenpachi yelped, jumping up and feeling the weight at the front of her chest.

"But…b-b-but-but-but-but they're ginormous!" She pointed as Kenpachi ran to the mirror, shoving Yumichika out of the way and looked what had happened to her body. She'd shrunk in height but had definitely grown in other areas.

"Kurotsuchi! Explain!" Kenpachi demanded as he tried to flatten them down to no avail.

"As you have noticed, you are considerably shorter and slighter than before, but since mass cannot be destroyed, all your previous stature had to go _somewhere_…" Kurotsuchi explained, suddenly a large grin spread on his face, "This is quite an interesting side-effect."

"When will we turn back?" Ikkaku pleaded, now looking petrified to find that when he walked, he wobbled.

"Turn back? I don't have anything to turn you back to your previous states; a double dose of the drug will certainly kill you. I can make an anti-drug, but to engineer it, it will take some time."

"How much time is some time?" Yumichika asked, amazingly taking the transformation a lot better than the other two. In fact she'd hardly changed appearance at all, apart from the breasts and a slight widening of the hips.

"It took me roughly five months to perfect the drug," Mayuri picked up the tin and shook it, "and that's considerably lucky for drug production…but, since I've already got a pre-existing drug to work, we may be talking about six weeks…at least."

"Six weeks?! Of Ken-chan being a _girl_?" Yachiru squeaked, stopping her inspection of her friend.

"Or would you rather forever? I'm being extremely gracious in offering to help you," He snuck away the tin into his coat, "Though I would rather like you three to be some test subjects for a bit…I was wondering if the transformation is complete and you three could be inseminated and give birth-"

"Hell no!" The three of them yelled. Previously, if they _had_ bits of anatomy that shrank towards the heart, it'd be doing it right now. Mayuri shrugged.

"Very well. The offer still stands, though if you change you mind."

"Maybe we should 'volunteer' Yumichika, considerin' he gave us the tea." Ikkaku glared at her friend. Yumichika shook her head as Mayuri's eyes lit up hopefully.

"It looks like you three haven't experienced any other side-effects or death, so I'll leave now and start working on that anti-drug." Mayuri said leaving for the door.

"Hey, but what should we do in the meantime?" Kenpachi asked the retreating figure.

"I don't know, just carry on normally…as women, I guess," Mayuri sneered; he paused, looking at Kenpachi, "You do make an attractive female, Zaraki." He added almost as an afterthought, "See you at the meeting tomorrow."

Kenpachi didn't know what was worse: being changed into a female; showing up for a meeting as a female or being considered attractive by the creepiest man in all of Soul Society. She shuddered.

………

They pummelled Yumichika. Then they kicked themselves for not learning the first time what happens when you eat something made by Yumichika. Then they pummelled Yumichika again. Then they sat down (or tried to sit up in Yumichika's case) for an emergency meeting.

"Should we show our faces?" Ikkaku asked, still fixated on her breasts.

"We have to eventually," Yumichika said through a thick lip, "I'm going to need to go to 4th Headquarters anyway, I've broken my collarbone."

"Be quiet; you're just lucky you don't have testicles to stab." Kenpachi growled, trying to adjust her top so her breasts didn't spill out. Yachiru had receded into some sort of stunned coma, as if this was some bizarre dream and she was trying to wake up, not having much effect.

"We can't exactly strap our breasts down and pretend to be our man selves again," Ikkaku sighed, "I mean, my voice hasn't been this high since I was five and I have these _hips_…I mean they're _massive_ and I can't imagine trying to strap these down. And _you_, Taicho, you look completely different. I mean, I'd only tell if it was you because of that scar and frown." He pointed. The four girls sighed and stared at the ground.

Yachiru snapped up as if a bee stung her in the bottom, "Oh crap! Ken-chan! Re-chan! She's coming!" the whole group stiffened. Footsteps tapped down the corridor towards the office and muffled cries of 'Unohana-taicho!' at varied intervals down it. The three women scrambled to find a suitable hiding place, despite that hiding is useless against a senior captain that could distinguish one ant in a nest, just by sensing spiritual pressure.

"Zaraki!" She called, she was rather annoyed today, maybe due to the fact that Yachiru and Ikkaku had previously that day tried to see which Fourth Division member would fly on a kite. Hanatarou won. "Zaraki-taicho, I need to have a word with you." She slid the door open, a frown on her usually placid face.

"Go away!" Kenpachi, after being kicked out of the closet by the other two, turned her back and slouched, hoping that Unohana wouldn't see her transformation.

"Zaraki, are you okay?" Apparently the deep voice Kenpachi was trying to achieve sounded like a voice heavy with tears.

"Fine, just fine." She nodded, the bells on her head shaking a frantic tune. Unohana sucked her teeth began to circle around, wanting to see her face, Kenpachi circling to keep his back to her.

"What are you hiding?" She demanded softly and curiously, piqued by Kenpachi's stubbornness to face her. The 11th Division captain still refused to say anything and Unohana used the only thing that got Kenpachi to turn around and pay attention: she slapped her hard across the arse (this method was only ever used by Gin and Shunsui because they survived the retaliation. Unohana did this as Kenpachi, generally as a rule, doesn't hit women and so she was quite safe (beating up Yumichika doesn't count as Kenpachi believed that only women could hit women)).

Kenpachi yelped and swung around, grabbing Unohana's wrist. Unohana's mouth dropped, and then her eyes and then her body as she fainted.

It was a couple of minutes later when Unohana woke up with a still-dazed Yachiru at her side. The three accidental women sat across the room, trying not to make eye contact. Unohana stared, disbelieving.

"How…"

"He started it." Ikkaku and Kenpachi pointed at the still bleeding Yumichika.

"But…"

"He served us tea."

"Kurotsuchi's tea." That was all Unohana needed to hear. Her temper was quite gone, figuring this would be punishment enough than trying to deal out her own for picking on her division.

"Have any questions?" She asked hopefully. The three sucked their teeth, still trying to avoid eye contact.

"...how do you…put on a bra?"

………

………

The captain's meeting was, interesting, to say the very least. As usual, Kenpachi was late (she'd tried to figure out what to do with her hair and just left it long for the time being) and made an unusually dramatic entrance. He slid open the doors and with the sun streaming through, the other captain's had to wait a few seconds before they could see who was standing there. Everyone's face was considered priceless when they found out who it was; even Gin's constant smile dropped open to a gape. The only people who showed differently was Kurotsuchi was trying to look innocent, Unohana who had to bite her lips without bursting out into laughter, and Tousen, who couldn't see what was going on.

"Zaraki? What happened to you?!" The soutaicho nearly jumped from his seat.

"Just a repeat of the Mushroom Incident…this time it involves tea." She said sourly.

"Ah." That was all that was needed to be explained. Kenpachi took her normal spot in between Tousen and Ukitake as small smug smile tugged on her face. Everyone was looking down, quite amazed.

"What exactly _did_ happen to you? Your voice sounds weird." Tousen whispered quietly as the meeting began at a halting start. It was unfortunate being blind sometimes; it left you out of the visual loop.

A very toothy grin curled across her face, "I was turned into a woman by accident; hey, check this out." Kenpachi grabbed Tousen's hand and squished it against her breast. Several things happened at once: Tousen, suddenly realising what he was grabbing, leapt several feet and turned bright red; Kyoraku's nose suddenly exploded with blood; Komamura _barked_ something at Kenpachi as the rest of the company was laughing so hard that they had to sit down. Except for the Soutaicho, who wasn't very happy for having his meeting interrupted.

"Kenpachi Zaraki! What do you have to say for yourself?" He demanded.

"Bankai?"

Even the soutaicho couldn't keep a straight face.

* * *

Lesson Number Two: Never ever ever ever eat or drink something made by/touched by Yumichika

I just love torturing Tousen and Yumichika. And Mayuri makes a great little plotbunny when he needs to be.


	54. Tea Part II

So it's about time. Yeesh, sorry. Now to finish the horror I've created...

* * *

**Tea Part II**

"Ready?"

"No."

"Good. Me neither." And with three deep breaths and three brows breaking into a sweat, the three adult women of 11th Division stepped into the onsen reception.

It had been three weeks since the tea incident and they had finally gotten used to the womanly parts; but not so used to them that they didn't want to change back. Normally, in most circumstances, a trip to the public onsen would be out of the question, but today was the annual all-paid open day for officers. And the temptation of free booze, food and massages at an exclusive spa proved too great.

The only problem was…which spa to go into? Male or female?

"Female." They said together, scuttling into the doors with undisguised glee on their faces.

Thirty seconds and several squeals of terror later, the trio found themselves pushed out of the onsen by Yachiru, Soifon and Kiyone. Brushing their hands together, the girls glared at them at went back inside.

"Well, it was worth a try." Yumichika sighed, brushing her hair back.

"Didya get a look at Isane?" Ikkaku chuckled, lifting herself off the ground.

"Nah, I was looking at a certain blonde's ass." Kenpachi smirked. They looked over at the men's entrance with a withering glare.

"Well, I'm not missing out on a facial just I'm too afraid of going into the men's area." Yumichika advanced forward with a swish of her hips.

"Yumichika, I think you should go in the girl's one again by yourself…I'm sure you'll be quite welcome there." Kenpachi smirked.

"Yeah, I noticed you noticing Soifon noticing you…I'm sure she'll give you a second chance now." The two laughed at the extremely annoyed Yumichika.

"I HEARD THAT!" Soifon yelled, her head appearing around the women's door. Never in the history of Soul Society had three women run so quickly into the men's onsen without shunpo.

"Phe-ew, that was close." Ikkaku gasped. Kenpachi didn't say anything, but instead was staring at the men staring at them. Obviously some people had not heard of the accidental gender-switch and a concerned shinigami came up to Kenpachi.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but I think you're in the wrong place." He said politely.

Ikkaku snorted with laughter, "He called you _ma'am_." Which was followed by several sniggers around the room.

"Dude!" a friend of the first shinigami pulled him away, "she's Captain _Kenpachi Zaraki_." He strained under a clenched jaw. The companion's eyes widened wide open and they disappeared from sight. With that, nobody bothered the trio…in fact; no one would enter the water with them around except for some senior officers.

That was, until, Aramaki and his friends Nobu, Kenji and Gintarou arrived.

The four had been drinking previously, arrived at the onsen completely plastered and making a racket.

"Gah, those guys." moaned Yumichika.

"Are you going to discipline them, Zaraki?" Shunsui asked from his spot in the hot spring.

"Later…" She said, "they look like they're about to pass out anyway." And while saying that, Aramaki fainted to the ground. But the other three spotted the tree women in the hot spring.

"Wow! Lookit that! They brought strippers!" Nobu pointed. The entire onsen went quiet in anticipation as the three, not recognising their captain through an alcohol-induced haze, swerved towards the feminine trio. Shunsui noticed the water getting a little hotter as the tempers of the three began to rise.

"Taicho…can I kill them?" Yumichika asked, flexing her fingers.

"Hang on, let see what they do next…I wanna know how they're goin' to bury themselves in the grave they've just dug." Kenpachi gritted. Nobu and Kenji got into the hot spring beside Kenpachi, grinning lecherously.

"Hey pretty lady." Nobu said, eying up the seething captain. The growing crowd, tense with excitement in the knowledge that someone was going to get their arse kicked.

"Is there a heart nearby or is that my airport taking off?" Kenji slurred. Yumichika laughed into her knees, which was quite a spectacle considering that they were underwater.

"So how did a gorgeous woman like yourself get an eyepatch like that?"

"Eyepatch? That eyepatch looks a lot like our captain's…"

"…Kenji…I think that…oh shit."

Kenji and Nobu launched themselves out of the onsen, but Kenpachi proved too quick for them, lifting them up out of the water by their nostrils.

"Zorryzorryzorry! We dibn't dow it was you!" Kenji pleaded nasally, finding that dangling from one's nose was incredibly painful.

"Demotions, both of you. Your arses are so far down demoted that if a Fourth Divisioner needs toilet paper, you _will_ offer your hands," Kenpachi started in a deadly voice, "You will start cleaning the streets around the division to Yumichika's standards and if he is not satisfied, you'll be eating soup off of them for a week until Yumichika is satisfied. You shall be doing thing for the next twenty years or until I get bored watching you suffer, which I assure you, will be never." And with that final statement, he dropped them onto the concrete, clutching their bleeding noses.

"I like that punishment." Yumichika gleamed.

Gintarou rushed over to his friends, patting their backs sympathetically, "don't worry, I'm sure it's just PMS."

………

"D'ya think I over-reacted?" Kenpachi asked. The three were relaxing in the division courtyard, catching the last rays of the late summer sun.

"Possibly…I mean demotin' them _and_ the extra punishment was a little harsh." Ikkaku conceded.

"No, I meant about the other one."

"Oh. Yeah, for sure."

"But all I did was death-glare him." Kenpachi proclaimed.

"You took off your eyepatch."

"Unohana said his heart was weak to begin with."

"His heart exploded." Ikkaku deadpanned.

"Well, I'm just impressed that you concentrated all your riatsu on one point," Yumichika added.

"I was aiming for his head."

"I'd've aimed for other places…" Ikkaku huffed. Yachiru rounded the corner excitedly, leading a very harassed Akon in tow.

"Ken-chan! Ken-chan! They've finished! They've got a way t'change you back!" She cheered.

"Well, it's about fuckin' time. I was getting far too used to sittin' down when I piss." Kenpachi exclaimed as Yachiru shoved Akon towards them.

"Mr Horns has it now." She said.

Akon flicked away his cigarette which was damaged in his abduction from the laboratory, "Yes, I've got it. The serum will turn you back into males…with one side effect."

"Oh, please, no tentacles…I'd rather stay a woman." Yumichika bemoaned. The scientist shook his head.

"No tentacles. Just temporary hair growth; nothing unmanageable."

"Oh, good. Gimme." Kenpachi held out her hand eagerly, "I'll take it now."

"Ah, you might want to take it in private…"

"Why?"

"It's a suppository."

"Fuck."

………

"Ne, Ken-chan. You alive?" Yachiru asked, sitting cross-legged on his now-flat chest. He blinked fuzzily.

"Yeah," he groaned, "I'm gonna kill Kurotsuchi; trust him to make a freakin' arse pill." He was relieved that certain body parts had returned to normal.

"Ken-chan?"

"What?"

"You have a _beard_." She tugged it with fascination. She'd never seen him shave, let alone with facial hair. He looked at it and Yachiru held up a mirror.

"After all these years of wantin' a beard…damn, it looks bad."

"Ken-chan."

"What now?"

"Baldy is no longer bald. He has _hair_. _Black_ hair."

"Wow. What about that fruitcake?"

"Fruitcake? Dontcha mean Mr Fuzzles?" She grinned.

* * *

Okay, lets get to my commentary. I have never loved Yumichika more since he pwned that eye-bleed drag-whore Charlotte.

And about those two who got owned by fem-Ken, you can see them in the manga/anime as those two who are seen sweeping the streets as Kenpachi runs past with Orihime on his back.

On a side note, I have a small job as a part-time nanny for some wealthy people. How did I end up looking after little kids? Especially after I wrote these two chapters...

* * *


	55. Frostbite

This comes to you out of sheer procrastination. I'm warning you, this contains an original character, so don't bite my head off.

In other news, My computer crashed and I lost all my files, including the original prompts, so I'm going to have to make up some 50 or so new ones, which isn't so bad, they'll just be easier to work with. Recent Bleach Chapters have re-enforced my belief that Ikkaku and Yumichika are so gay for each other and it's all so tempting to put Yaoi in these prompts but...must...resist...temptation.

* * *

  


**Frost****bite**

Kenpachi found winter irritating. Most people had settled down into their homes, where it was warm and quiet and not many people were out looking for a fight. Usually there were some brave, dangerous idiots that kept boredom at bay, but with Yachiru on board for their first winter together, he might have to do something unthinkable for him and find a winter home.

"Ken-chan, I'm cold." Yachiru shivered into his cloak. The pink-haired brat had grown stronger in the first few months together and also had somewhat of a growth spurt, but Kenpachi doubted she could survive in the open for one winter.

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He agreed, feeling the wind penetrating even the most protected of places. They had come to a depopulated region of outer Rukongai where the houses were abandoned for the most part. Kenpachi was currently tearing down the boarded-up door of one shabby, but intact, house. A rush of stale air greeted them as he slid the free doors open, that and the stench of something long dead.

"Dead fox." Yachiru pointed at the near-mummified remains near the door. Kenpachi grabbed one of the planks of wood he'd torn off, scraping the corpse up and flinging it away out the door. Yachiru slid off his back in a controlled fall, landing somewhat heavily on the floorboards, sending up a flurry of dust.

Kenpachi sneezed, "I guess no one's lived here for a while. Lessee if there's any futons or shit like that." He found them, but there was someone else occupying them. A corpse of an elderly man lay there, partially eaten, possibly by the dead fox, "Da-amn, looks like he died in his sleep." He said to no-one in particular, grabbing the edges of the futon, dragging out the door and out into the rapidly gathering night. He'd have to burn the man later, it could be diseased, Kenpachi thought. Light snow began to fall as he walked back into the house. Inside, Yachiru had left hundreds of tiny footprints in the dust while she explored, her feet now black. Kenpachi wasn't the domestic type, but he knew he had to clean the floors soon.

"Ken-chan, I'm _still_ cold." Yachiru complained, hugging herself.

"Ah, yeah, I'll make a fire." He said. The previous occupant was well-stocked with firewood and matches and a fire was roaring in no time. Yachiru had found pots and a store of well-preserved rice and pickles, so they ate very well despite the rice tasting a couple of decades old.

After a few hours, Yachiru had fallen asleep in Kenpachi's giant coat and the man had settled down against the wall, sword at his side, thinking. He wasn't thinking for the pleasure of it, he was thinking because he needed to.

He was thinking about the future, mulling over the fact he had to stay in the same house for the next couple of months until the weather got warmer and he hadn't stayed in one place for so long, not since his stay with Kinya. This meant he had to organise food, comfort…_cleaning_. He hated cleaning; but then again, he hated the smell of dead old man even more. With that in mind, he grabbed a lantern from the room and went outside.

The snow had fallen a couple of inches since he was last outside, and the corpses of the elder and the fox looked like a pair of marble statues. Kenpachi brushed away the snow and lay wood under the futon and placed the dead fox on top of the old man. With the lantern he lit a funeral pyre, the dry bodies and futon lighting up quickly despite the falling snow.

Kenpachi watched silently as fur crackled and skin withered. A noise diverted his attention away from the flame and he saw Yachiru peeking out from behind the door.

"Whatcha doing?" she asked, wide-eyed with curiosity.

"Burning shit." He replied, "I thought you were asleep."

"I had a bad dream. I thought I heard someone cryin' or sumthin'."

"Prob'ly just the fire. Go back to bed." He said. Yachiru pointed behind him.

"There's a lady coming." Kenpachi turned around and saw by the light of the pyre a woman in white coming towards the house. She was pale, with dark hair and quite pregnant. Stumbling, she made it to the pyre before collapsing a few steps away from Kenpachi.

Kenpachi leant down and picked up the woman; her hands and feet were blistered with frostbite, suggesting she'd been outside for a long period of time, "Yachiru, go put a pot of water on the hearth." He ordered. He wrapped his hand around her tiny ones, warming them with his body heat. He learnt the hard way how to deal with frostbite, and some of his toes still hadn't regained feeling. The woman probably also had hypothermia as she was wearing barely anything apart from a threadbare kimono.

He knew not to place her near anything burning or to heat her up too quickly as she could have a heart attack, so he hugged her and retreated away from the fire, gradually making his way to the warm house. Inside, he threw his coat over top of her and looked around for more blankets.

"Ken-chan, what's wrong with her?" Yachiru asked.

"She's too cold. Do me a favour, brat, and go lie next to her and hug her." Yachiru obeyed, very interested in why Ken-chan was fussing over a fat girl. Kenpachi returned with some moth-eaten kimonos, covering woman and child. After a few minutes, colour returned to the woman's face and her eyes fluttered open as she regained consciousness. Kenpachi noted that her eyes were a very light shade of cyan blue and was about to think it unusual, then remembered he carried around a little girl whose natural hair colour was pink.

"Ken-chan, I think she's alive now! Her belly's wobbling." Yachiru said under a layer of kimonos.

_So the baby's safe_, he thought, "Oi, woman? Can you talk?" He asked.

"…yes."

"Your name?"

"Yuki…it's Yuki. My hands…are so numb." Kenpachi grabbed a bowl of hot water, cooling it down with some ice water. He lifted her up gently and put her hands in the lukewarm water; she jerked back at the near-burning sensation, but proceeded to leave them in there as her fingers were able to move again.

"What the hell possessed you to walk out into the snow with no shoes?" Kenpachi grouched, wrapping his hands around her icy feet. He didn't expect an answer, but talked anyway.

"I had to…but I though this place is where my uncle lives." She sounded a bit dazed and worried. Kenpachi cast his thoughts back to the pyre burning outside.

"I don't think he lives here anymore." Kenpachi conceded with a rare twinge of guilt. He flashed a look at Yachiru to close her mouth before she said anything. It was at least an hour before Kenpachi decided that she would live. Yuki was exhausted and as soon as she lay back down, she fell asleep, cuddled by a warm Yachiru. Kenpachi took his position by the wall, dozing off by the wall with sword in hand.

………

The next morning, Kenpachi woke to the dusty house and a ravenous Yuki eating cold rice leftovers. Kenpachi shredded bits of old kimono up and bandaged her blistered hands and feet, listening to her story.

Yuki was married to a shinigami, but she lived out in the 60th District with her sister until he could get proper accommodation in Seireitei. Her sister died from a plague that swept the area and was forced to live in an inn with her husband's pay going towards rent. She discovered she was pregnant, a rare thing in Soul Society, and was overjoyed. The joy was short-lived, however, when her husband was killed for disobeying his superior (apparently the shinigami also killed his wife when she retailiated). She survived the previous months on the rest of her husband's finances but was kicked out of the inn when she couldn't afford it. She then decided to seek out her nearest relative, her uncle and was robbed along the way. When Kenpachi told the fate of her uncle, she sighed, thinking that the plague must have claimed him or the locals boarded him up in his own house with his pet fox.

"Geez, what a crappy story." He said.

"It got better in the end, thanks to you." She smiled. By this stage, Yachiru had woken up, her feet still dirty and hair rumpled.

"I'm hungry…and tired. Yu-chan's belly wiggled all night."

"There's rice left." Yuki said, "and sorry for keeping you up." Yachiru shrugged and ploughed into the cold rice.

"So, what are ya going to do now?" Kenpachi asked. Yuki cast her cyan eyes down.

"I'm going to go and find my husband's mother; she lives in the First District." She said, "I want to have my baby there, if I can."

"Baby? What baby?" Yachiru asked. Kenpachi pointed at Yuki's stomach.

"It's in there." He said.

"Oh…ew…"she stopped and thought for a second, "…So how does it get out?"

"Painfully."

"Oh…so how does it get there?"

"Tell ya later, brat. So, girl, you're telling me that you're going to travel to your granny's, in the middle of winter, pregnant…with no shoes?" Kenpachi was struggling with this logic. Yuki nodded; the swordsman sighed and murmured something.

"Pardon?" Yuki asked.

"You can stay. With us…" he muttered a little louder, "until Spring."

"I don't want to be a burden." Yuki blushed, taken aback from this unexpected kindness. So was Yachiru for that matter. The pink-haired little girl tugged on the sleeve of the huge man.

"Ken-chan…are you being nice?!" She asked, a little shocked. Kenpachi, was a little uncomfortable with this observation.

"Shuddap. I have a soft spot for little kids and women who haven't seen their feet for a couple of months." He admitted. Yuki flung her arms around the man, overjoyed as Yachiru looked on, dumbstruck.

"Thank you so much, Zaraki-san!" she cried, this being her first good news in months.

"Okay, okay, okay…geez woman, it's not like I made you Empress or anythin'." He pried the joyful woman away, though letting a small smile shadow his lips.

………

Thus began a somewhat normal family unit…which surprised Kenpachi more than anyone else. The house was soon clean and warm and with Kenpachi's frequent excursions out into the populace, they were well fed.

The end of the year was drawing to a close and Yuki's frost bite had healed up and her stomach protruded out in front of her and she waddled with the weight of the baby. Yachiru was fascinated with her belly, laying her head against it, listening for the second heartbeat but more often than not, finding a tiny foot kicking her face. Kenpachi could certainly see a future rival there, if the kid could Yachiru when still in the womb, but something in his gut told him that this bliss wouldn't last.

"Oh." Yuki said one night, clutching her belly. The pair perked up their heads at the noise.

"Yuki, you've peed yourself." Yachiru pointed. Yuki looked desperately at Kenpachi who knew what to do…well, actually he had no idea, but knew how to get her to someone who did. Kenpachi rushed over to the woman and bundled her up in a blanket. Yachiru also jumped on board as he rushed out of the house, towards the midwife.

The matronly old woman was annoyed to have been disturbed so late at night, but when she saw the distressed Yuki, he countenance changed to one of authority. She ushered Kenpachi and Yachiru into a side room while the midwife woke her attendants and they fluttered in and out of the delivery room like bees around the hive. Yachiru yawned, curling up on Kenpachi's chest and dozing to the sound of his heartbeat. Kenpachi sighed, closing his eyes to the thoughts of family.

Kenpachi must have dozed off because he woke to a winter sun, low in the dawn sky. He looked around and he heard the sound of weak cries; carefully shifting the small child to a chair he went in search of the midwife. When he found her, she was tired and her once neat hair was messy.

"How is it going?" he asked, but the look the midwife gave him was all that he needed to know, "I'm goin' to see her." He pushed past the woman and into the delivery room. Yuki lay on a small bed as pale as the first day he saw her and there was a surprising amount of blood around her.

"Kenpachi-san," she smiled weakly, reaching out to grab his hand, "This baby just isn't coming out."

"You'll be fine." He said, but he wasn't certain in himself; he'd seen enough blood in his lifetime to know how much was too much.

"Promise me…" she cried out as another contraction hit her and left, "promise me that you'll return the child to his grandmother."

"I will."

"You remember where it is?" She asked.

"I do."

"Good." The final contraction hit her, causing her to scream harshly. Two minutes later a healthy boy with a good set of lungs was born into the world. But Kenpachi wasn't looking at the boy, instead he was looking at pale cyan eyes darken and close and realising that Yuki's hand would have dropped if he hadn't been holding onto it so hard.

………

It was New Year's day and Yachiru was having a staring contest with the most serious baby on the planet, light cyan eyes considered the pink-haired child incredulously and unblinking. Kenpachi on the other hand was looking along the row of houses for a door painted in yellow. He found it and approached juggling children to knock on the door. He shuffled uncomfortably, he'd never been in the First District before and the law and order unnerved him, but Yachiru was fascinated by the nice houses and suggested that he break into those for winter, since he burnt the last one down with Yuki in it.

A fat old woman shuffled to the door, taken aback by the large swordsman with children.

"Can I come in?" he asked as nicely as possible.

"Sorry, I've got no room for beggars." She began to slide the door close, but Kenpachi stopped her.

"I've come on behalf of Yuki." He said. The woman gaped wordlessly and ushered him in without further ado. He was sat down on a cushion and the baby in his arms began to fuss loudly.

"Is this…Yuki's child?" The old woman asked, relieving him of the child.

"Yes…and yer son's, I think. I don't have good news…Yuki died in childbirth six days ago. She told me to bring the kid to you."

"Thank you, she must have trusted you very much," Granny said. Kenpachi said nothing, "did she say what she named the boy?" Granny continued.

"She did…she wanted to name him after his father, but I dunno what his name was."

"Toshirou…his name was Toshirou Hitsugaya; a very good shinigami." She replied. Kenpachi nodded his approval. He stood up and made to leave.

"Wait! I don't know your name or what happened to Yuki." The woman said.

"I'll find him and tell him when he's older; if he's gonna blame me for the death of his mother and seek revenge, I want him to be stronger when we cross blades." He reached over and patted the soft white tuft of hair on Toushirou's head, which seemed to annoy the baby greatly.

"See ya, midget." He said, with a grin.

"Bye-bye, Sir Poops-a-lot!" Yachiru chimed. Together they turned around and walked out the door. About an hour after they left Yachiru hugged his neck.

"Oi, what's that for?" He asked.

"You're sad."

"Hmn."

"You kinda liked Yuki-chan, huh?"

"Mm. Like I said, I have a soft spot for children and women who can't see their feet for nine months." He shrugged.

"Do you think we'll ever see Toushirou-chan again?"

"Dunno. Maybe."

* * *

Note: Yuki means 'snow' in Japanese, which would be fitting for Shiro-chan's mother. Also, I've sneaked in part of Tousen's back-story in here as well in true LOST style.

Also, I apologise again for OOCness and original characters.

* * *


	56. Love

Hey y'all! long time no update. I've just been too enthralled in the latest Bleach manga. OMG RANGIKU!! I freakin' bawled my bloody eyes out. And no male in his right mind would ever ask Halibel for a blowjob, no matter how big her boobs are (lets see the anime censor _that_ mask)

I got an Urahara hat! It is freaking awesome!

Warning: some light unrequited shounen-ai

* * *

**Love**

The first time Kenpachi fell in love with Retsu Unohana was the first and only time he had seen her completely lose it. The year was 1923, on the first of September to be exact. On that day a huge earthquake rocked the entire nation of Japan and with any major disaster that involved huge fatalities; the Gotei Thirteen dispatched as many shinigami captains as possible. Hollows always took the opportunity of disasters to feed.

Kenpachi had fantastic time, there seemed to be no end to Hollows and even some Menos Grandes came out much to his delight. But on the second day of fighting, the smell of burning bodies from the fires and the sheer amount of lost souls wandering the streets dulled his enjoyment and he'd retreated to the river for a break.

Washing his face of blood and dust, he looked across the bank to see Unohana issuing orders to subordinates, her face troubled by the large numbers of casualties of both shinigami and human souls. Suddenly, out of the flames appeared a massive Hollow. Judging by the spiritual pressure that even Kenpachi could feel, it was at a level higher than ordinary Menos Grandes. Kenpachi readied his sword, but the dragon-like beast had swooped across the river beginning to feast on human and shinigami souls alike.

Before Kenpachi could move to fight, Unohana was there, her eyes blazing. Kenpachi remarked that she looked similar to a mother fox of a den he'd accidently surprised. He still had the scars from that little fluffball of maternal rage.

She raised a single palm at the monster.

"Purify the heart, bloody the water, travel at the speed of darkness. Hadou 97: Exorcism." With only the first verse of a hugely powerful kidou spell uttered, a beam of darkness erupted from her hands, instantly destroying the hollow, throwing up millions of tiny blue sparks.

In that moment, watching her face framed by red flame and blue sparks, Kenpachi found himself grinning like some teenage idiot.

_Even if that was kidou, that was the most beautiful and awesome piece of kick-ass I've ever seen,_ he thought to himself, _I fuckin' _love_ that woman._

Of course it took him over a century to actually admit it to her. The habit of dragging things out for longer was a little more ingrained than he thought.

………

Unohana doesn't really like to admit it, but she first desired Zaraki while he was female. Okay, she was attracted to him from early on, but something he said while in that form made her go mad with embarrassed glee.

On 'orders' from Kurotsuchi, she was to examine the general health of the men-turned-women for the duration they were transformed.

She'd remembered one of the last examinations before they were transformed back, Kenpachi started a conversation about the pros and cons of being a woman.

"I hate sitting down when I pee. Fuckin' hate it." S/he moaned, "I also hate the fact you can't run with these things." Kenpachi indicated his breasts.

"Well, they are sizable. Most women of the population are a…few sizes smaller."

"That's really the only problem I have with them; they're very fun to play with." He grinned, grabbing them to emphasize the point.

"Oh…" Unohana began to flush. Kenpachi narrowed his eyes, a coy little grin on his face.

"Y'know…" he leaned forward just a little, "I didn't realize this before, but, there's some spots on a woman's body that are really fun to play with…and now I know all those secret spots."

Unohana felt herself becoming a little breathless, heat rushing to her face. She shook her head, regaining her composure. She carried on the examination and rushed him out quickly. Once he had gone, she realized her face was contorted in a stupidly gleeful smile that probably wouldn't be leaving for a while.

Kenpachi on the other hand, was hoping for some girl-on-girl action. Disappointed that he had missed out on such a rare opportunity, he was consoled by the fact that without even touching Unohana, he had just reached sex-god status.

Of course the first time she truly loved him was during a certain dark stormy night.

And he wasn't kidding about those secret spots.

………

Yachiru has always loved Byakuya.

End of story.

………

Byakuya took years to fall in love again. And when he did, it was very gradual, almost at a glacial speed.

Maybe it was all the smiles she gave him.

Or it was the trespassing on his property in the middle of the night to steal his koi.

Or when he attended lieutenant meetings and they would take the piss out of each other, the other lieutenants believing they were completely serious.

Maybe it was the poker games she regularly challenged him to, only to leave empty-handed.

It could've been the late night walks with him if she was feeling in a subdued mood.

Maybe it was her return after seven years of absence and the trials that came afterwards.

Possibly because she'd saved his noble ass on several occasions and he'd saved hers.

Maybe it was because that after a couple of centuries, that when he held her hands in his, he couldn't help but feel…happy.

………

Yumichika boasts to everyone that he has never loved a single person.

This is not true and is as plain as the feathers on his face. He has loved, is in love and will always be in love. In fact the only person in the whole of Soul Society who didn't actually realize he was in love, was the person Yumichika was in love with.

I believe we can safely assume we all know who that is.

But Yumichika will never admit it, because he believes that he has the most beautiful relationship already. He would suffer the pain of unrequited love just to maintain that beauty.

Kenpachi just thinks they're both just idiots and will regret it in the long run.

Yumichika thinks so too.

………

Ikkaku would give his life for Yumichika, and loves him as much as a brother would love him. Of course he'd never admit to Yumichika that he adored him and would find it very hard to live without him, but Yumichika'd probably laugh at him if he did anyway.

He never knew why Yumichika continued to follow him after all these years. After that first initial meeting, Yumichika was never too far behind. They entered hundreds of different jobs together, from kabuki actors to laborers to muscle-for-hire. They'd fought together and each other, scrapping and fighting for each day. Nothing could really sever that bond, not even a woman.

He only wished that Yumichika wasn't so damn secretive and sneaky about things, as he was pretty sure that the pretty-boy knew everything about him. Even his absurd reason for his hatred for socks.

Damn socks.

Damn Yumichika. Why won't he open up? Can't he see that he cares?

Yachiru calls him an idiot for not telling Yumichika.

Ikkaku thinks she's probably right.

* * *

Merry Christmas everyone!

I can imagine christmas in Seireitei: Ukitake taking it upon himself to don a fake beard and delivering Yachiru and Toushirou candy and christmas presents, much to their delight/annoyance. Yumichika and Ikkaku in stupid matching christmas jumpers. Kenpachi with baubles with the jingle-bells in his hair. Matsmoto and Shunsui drunk on egg nog. Sounds like fun, where can I join?


	57. Heal

A fic detailing the night after Ikkaku's fight with Edorad. I like writing Keigo and Mizuho, they're both so fun and exaggerated. Maybe more fics with them later. I've still yet to finish that 'ribbons' prompt I promised (I keep forgetting about it) and I kinda liked the 'pineapple' prompt suggested to me. It'll have Renji in it, cos Renji is a red pineapple (he even has it on one of his shirts in the anime)

* * *

**Heal**

"Here's your room!" Mizuho Asano chimed, showing Yumichika and Ikkaku their new room. It was apparently Keigo's, according to the scandalized shrieks of the high school student.

"But-but-but where am _I_ going to sleep, nee-san?" He protested as Yumichika led the injured Ikkaku to the small single bed. Yumichika tutted, the boy's taste in bed sheets was ugly; a Doremon futon and matching pillows the boy tried to pass off as 'vintage'.

"Sleep on the floor or on the couch. Outside. I don't care. Get some futons for Yumichika-san to sleep on." Mizuho commanded. Keigo sulked away, "Is my darling okay?" She asked of Ikkaku. The bald shinigami was still bleeding and finding it hard to breathe now.

"I'm fine," Ikkaku said, wincing as he lay down on the bed, "just a little tender."

"Do you want me to get you anything, darling?" She purred.

"N-no, thanks." Keigo came in with the spare futons, spreading them out over the floor.

"Okay, well, you know where to find me," Mizuho twittered, "goodnight darlings." And with a twirl, she left them, leaving only Keigo.

"Are you _sure_ you don't need anything? Like a doctor? Or a defibrillator?" He asked, snatching some pajamas from his closet. Yumichika shook his head. Keigo nodded and retreated.

"…you had to find the most annoying people to board with, Ikkaku." Yumichika snorted with contempt.

Ikkaku smiled, "Desperate times call for desperate measures." He coughed, a little blood tracking down the side of his mouth. Yumichika frowned, he knew the extent of his injuries would need a healer and soon; but as stubborn as Ikkaku was, he refused to even see Orihime for attention. At least the gigai he was in would support his main organs at least until the morning, but even then Yumichika wasn't sure he'd last the night.

"Che, you're a mess, Ikkaku." He said, pulling off Ikkaku's shoes, he didn't want to remove anymore than that, just in case he damaged something.

"It…hurts." Ikkaku sighed. He was exhausted, already drifting off into a sleep/unconscious state.

"You're such an idiot." Yumichika said when he knew Ikkaku had fully lapsed into sleep, "You had me so worried." He looked at his palms, revealing the only injuries he sustained that night: nail marks, deep and bloodied from clenching his fists the entire fight. How ugly.

He felt the communicator vibrate and he reached into his pocket, "Hello?"

"_Yumi!"_ Yachiru cried, using part of his real name for once, _"I heard you guys were having some trouble and I came down as soon as I could…is he…is he really dead? Did Baldy die?"_

She sounded a little upset, "No…he's not dead, but he's injured quite badly." He replied, sitting on the edge of the bed, "I think he'll be fine."

"_I heard you asked for a funeral…were the Arrancar really that strong?"_ She asked.

"They're strong…Ikkaku was the only one to defeat an Arrancar without the limit being lifted…and they were only ugly Gillians. Tell the captain he's in for a treat the next time he encounters one." Yumichika smiled at the thought.

"_Yay! I'll tell Ken-chan right away! Oh, and before I go…look after Ikkaku, 'kay? Don't let him die."_ She pleaded.

"I won't."

"_Good, 'cos you're not the only one who likes him. Bye-ee."_ The communicator went dead.

"I won't let him die." He slumped against the wall, letting his head fall against the cool plaster. He felt tears mist his eyes and he wiped them away; _Why do feel that you must throw away your life, all for a fight? I'm getting tired of it, Ikkaku…tired of your stubbornness and selfishness; your willingness to put others in danger all for your sake?_

"You fool. You reckless, uncaring, beautiful fool." Ikkaku made a struggling choking noise causing Yumichika to perk back up to attention. Ikkaku was no longer asleep but fighting for breath.

"Haa-aaooow." Ikkaku moaned, clutching his chest. Yumichika growled, opening up Ikkaku's shirt; Yumichika only needed to look at his chest once to realize he'd been hiding a badly broken rib which had now punctured his lung. He'd have to use Ruuiro Kujaku to fix this…but it was too risky.

Screw that.

"Sorry Ikkaku," he fished around in his pockets for a small vial, extracting the shinten drug, "but you need to sleep for a bit." It probably wasn't the safest thing to do…but, Kira did it all the time…then again, Kira's zanpakutou was designed for beheading people. Ugly.

Within seconds Ikkaku was out and Yumichika had jumped out of his gigai, reaching for his sword, "Split and deviate, Ruuiro Kujaku." Usually Ruuiro Kujaku was an instrument for mostly Yumichika's benefit, healing wounds and the like; but it could also be used for others, but it had never been used like this before. A small bright tendril snaked its way up and attached itself to his chest, consuming spiritual pressure.

It felt horrible, like a bleed from a sliced artery. The flower that bloomed was bright red, deep inside was the clear nectar that would save Ikkaku from suffocating. Yumichika picked it from the stem and placed the flower nectar in his mouth. The medicine worked almost immediately and Ikkaku was breathing clearly again.

Yumichika clutched his stomach, feeling nauseous. He stumbled out of the room searching for a bathroom, nearly crashing into Mizuho along the way, ever thankful she couldn't see him in spirit form. He found the bathroom and clutched at the sink, retching up the remains of the onigiri they had several hours earlier.

"The things I do for that man." He spat into the sink, turning on the taps to wash away the sick. He felt ugly…ugly enough to consider apologizing to Shuuhei when he got back to Soul Society. To be overwhelmed with spiritual pressure was one thing; being drained of it was another.

A long brown arm holding a new toothbrush and toothpaste was thrust under his nose. Yumichika turned to see the arm was connected to Keigo, who had an expression of mixed concern and fear.

"I figured you might need these." He said, looking bashful. Yumichika flushed, he didn't realize someone else saw him; reluctantly but gratefully taking the items.

"Thanks."

"What happened in there? I felt this _woosh_, like, someone had turned on an air vent under me…like when you guys were fighting earlier."

"I was healing Ikkaku…don't mention it to him, alright? He's the type of guy who takes pride in the fact he likes being beaten to a bloody pulp."

"You care about him, dontcha?" Keigo asked, sitting on the edge of the bath.

"Something like that."

"Y'know, you two kinda remind me of Ichigo and Chad. Those two will do anything for each other…"

"I'd die for Ikkaku."

"Have you told him that?" It was one of Keigo's extremely rare moments of human insight; one which sent a chill up Ichigo's spine, even though he was miles away.

"No." Yumichika smiled. He turned to leave, but something caught his eye.

"Hey…you look like you're about to be sick again."

"That's because I'm looking at your bedclothes; what the _hell_ is on your shirt?" Yumichika pointed.

"Neo Genesis Evengelion characters, Rei and Asuka. Aren't they hot?" Keigo cuddled himself. Yumichika kicked him out of the bathroom, quite literally.

"Don't you dare come into my presence again with that ugly thing on." He demanded, closing the door on Keigo's face. He turned his back against the door and slid down it to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. His thoughts wandered back to the shinigami now resting peacefully in Keigo's room. Maybe he should tell him…after brushing his teeth.

………

Ikkaku woke up feeling…actually pretty damn good. It was as if he felt like last night's fight had never happened. He figured that Orihime or someone else had dropped by while he was unconscious to heal him up a bit. He sat up, the air distinctly smelled of freesias; perhaps it was from the fancy-schmancy air fresheners modern houses had. Yumichika was curled up at the end of his bed, his own futon not touched. So the man had stayed up most of the night watching him; he hadn't even taken off his school uniform.

For that matter, neither had he. Just before going off to look for something less bloody to wear and a bath, he grabbed the blanket from the bed and covered Yumichika with it. He looked at him for a second, then shook his head smiling.

"Y'know, I had a dream last night, Yumi.," he began, his voice barely louder than a thought, "it was kinda real and it kinda wasn't but I remember you said you would follow me to the ends of the earth. I already know that. You don't need to tell me that. And I don't think I need to tell you that I'll do the same." He spun around, marching out the door on a search for some decent fitting clothes.

Yumichika smiled.


	58. Meanwhile

This chapter is set inbetween Memories I and II. There will be a few chapters set around that time...kinda like a mini-series. They'll be serious fics, but I have plenty of light-hearted ones stored in my brain as well. The Nnoitora Kenpachi fight on the anime was awesome...as for the manga...it's been over a year I think and Grimmjaw is still bleeding somewhere in the middle of Hueco Mundo. Where's my Grimkitty? (I_ so_ wanna call one of my future cats that... Grimkitty and Schroedinger...cookies to whoever figures out why I'd want to call my cat Schroedinger)

* * *

**Meanwhile**

He just couldn't touch it. Christ, he could barely look at the white fabric, clean and glowing in the fading winter light. Instead he'd shoved it into his rarely-used closet, hoping what was out of sight was out of mind. But Yumichika was very good at bringing things back to reality.

"Taicho…" He began.

"_Don't_ call me that." Ikkaku snapped, turning to his newly appointed lieutenant. Earlier that day, Ikkaku had been called to the Chamber of the 46 along with Yumichika and they were informed of their promotions. Ikkaku refused initially, but realized there was no choice; he was the only shinigami of captain level eligible for the position.

Kenpachi had lost his memory.

Yachiru was missing, most likely dead.

"Very well, Ikkaku. But, I have to tell you that your first meeting is due in a few minutes. You must wear the haori." Yumichika continued. Ikkaku turned mournfully back at the closet and took out the white coat. He slipped it on and despite it being tailored to fit, it was uncomfortable and itchy.

"I'm ready." He said. Both lieutenant and captain looked at each other for a few seconds before their eyes trailed to the corner. Lying draped across a seat near the window was a tattered threadbare captain's cloak. Yachiru had put it there before she left, folded neatly beside the window. No one had the heart to move it from that spot, even after 6 months of gathering dust. It was as if Kenpachi would stride back through the doors and swing that cloak on and tell the others to get their arses moving.

Almost everyone knew that wasn't going to happen ever again, even though no one said so. But 11th Division soldiers knew not to underestimate their captain or lieutenant.

"Right, let's go." Yumichika said.

………

………

The trek to the sanctuary was hampered by deep snow, but that posed no problem for Ikkaku and Yumichika. But they didn't even reached the doors to the building when a large snowball hurtled down towards them; Ikkaku ducked, but Yumichika wasn't quick enough and got a faceful of ice.

"Gotcha." Kenpachi chuckled, appearing from behind a snowbank with Unohana. Even under a multitude of snow clothes, it was obvious he had lost a surprising amount of muscle tone. At least he was talking again; the first year was hard for everyone, learning how to speak and fine motor skills.

"I see you've discovered snowball fights." Yumichika muttered, scooping ice out of his scarf. Unohana nodded in greeting.

"We're going for a walk; care to join us, Yumichika-fukutaicho, Ikkaku-tai…Ikkaku-san?" She asked. The pair nodded and together they marched around the sanctuary grounds. They stopped at a clearing and almost immediately Kenpachi began to make a snowman…or at least attempted to. Ikkaku jumped in and began to help. Unohana and Yumichika found a fallen tree to sit on, the lieutenant taking out a thermos of hot tea from his basket for them to share.

Yumichika watched the two in the snow for a bit, "It's just so surreal," he sighed, "I remember watching this when Yachiru was around…and now, it just looks incomplete." Unohana nodded, otherwise she was silent, "Unohana-taicho…has anyone told you that you are an incredibly brave woman?"

"Pardon?" Unohana looked up, a little surprised at such a forward comment. Yumichika took a deep breath in.

"Kenpachi was your partner, wasn't he? Yet, after he lost his memory, you never left him; no one asked you to stay with him…everyone thought he wasn't going to recover and stay a vegetable. You stay even though you may never regain his feelings for you even again…it's very brave of you…"

"No. I'm a coward." Unohana hung her head slightly, tears springing to her eyes.

"What?"

"…I'm a coward…I'm afraid of leaving him and one day Yachiru comes back and heals him; he'll remember everything, and I'll just be a traitor. I'm also afraid of him never regaining his memories, like you said, and what we had will never exist again…"

"So you're stuck like this forever…you are so quiet about everything. Nobody really asked you what you felt, because you were always there…" He gazed at Kenpachi patting down snow on the base of the snowman.

"At first, when this just happened, I couldn't believe it. I just kept going, thinking it was all a bad dream…it still feels like that. It's so hard to make new memories with someone you already have good memories for…I just wish that I could forget as well." She stared at the cooling tea in her cup, swishing it around.

"Ikkaku's the same…he just wants to forget and start afresh. But he's also too scared to let those memories go…they've made him what he is. It frightens him to see the captain like this."

"So why do you visit every few days?"

"Like you…we want to remember." He smiled gently at Unohana, coaxing out a small smile of her own. But the small smile disappeared when she looked back at Kenpachi.

"There are some things I hope he will never remember; if he ever recovers, he _will_ remember them."

Yumichika swallowed, knowing she was going to drop a bombshell, "Oh?"

"I was pregnant."

_Kabang; consider bombshell dropped_ Yumichika thought miserably. He looked at Unohana and her flat stomach, his heart dropping.

"I'm…sorry."

"If I had just waited one more day," her voice shaking a little, "he would have never known about it. But I couldn't wait; I was so excited to tell him about it. He was thrilled…shocked too. A month later, the baby died…I don't know how I'll be able to look at him if he recovers." She wiped a hand over her eyes, sniffing. Yumichika placed a hand on hers, squeezing it.

"If, and _when_, he recovers, he'll forgive you. He'll still love you…I don't think he forgot that he even did," Unohana followed to where Yumichika was motioning to and caught a glimpse of Kenpachi looking at her with a dreamy look on his face, "I think everything will be fine." Yumichika winked.

………

………

Seven years pass.

Yamamoto-Genryuusai Shigekuni has died; Byakuya Kuchiki appointed by the Chamber of the 46 to become the next Soutaicho.

Renji Abarai claims the captaincy of the 6th Division.

Jyuushirou Ukitake decides to retire as his ailing health no longer allows him to do normal duties of a captain. Rukia Kuchiki takes his place.

Momo Hinamori, once the captain of the 5th Division becomes the captain of the Kidou Corps, her place taken by Rangiku Matsumoto.

Shunsui marries Nanao and the two expect to retire to start a family.

Ikkaku finally puts away Kenpachi's cloak.

………

………

Unohana sat in her office, windows flung open to let the sun and breeze in. Her paperwork was set aside; she was in no mood to do it on such a pleasant day. Outside a few sparrows chirped and there was voices chattering in the garden. She heard approaching footsteps and riatsu, Byakuya's.

"You may come in Soutaicho." She said before he had even knocked. She looked up and was surprised by the look on his face; a mixture of shock and elation jammed behind his usual stoic visage.

"Something has happened…something I think you should come and see." He said.

"What? What has happened?" She asked rising from her seat. Byakuya said nothing, but grabbed her hand and pulled her out.

"A miracle has happened." He was trying to contain his shock as much as possible. He was shaken. She was scared. She was one foot out of the building when she felt it. That bubbly pink riatsu.

"Oh my…" She gasped as she saw a crowd of people gathering around a pair of people, "Yachiru…" Her hands flew to her mouth, almost afraid to look at the second figure. He was smiling the way he used to smile.

With a cry, she ran towards him with open arms. Kenpachi caught her, lifting her up easily.

"Hey babe; I've missed ya." He rumbled at the woman, his face becoming wet with her tear and kisses. He could hear cheering and out of the corner of his eye, he could see he wasn't the only person in a giant embrace: Byakuya was covered in a pink cloud that wasn't Senbonzakura and Yumichika was shaking Ikkaku from excitement, the bald one near fainting from the shock of it all.

"You are… I don't…just kiss me." She pulled him in.

"Yes'm"


	59. Feral

I needed to get this story out. I don't think it's very good, but I wanted to write about the very early life of Kenpachi. It contains original characters, one including Chihiro, Kenpachi's adoptive mother I introduced in the very first chapter.

* * *

**Feral**

It was dark by the time Chihiro returned to her home in Zaraki. No woman should really be walking around alone at this hour, let alone be walking around such a thud-riddled district; but most thugs have learned to respect and avoid the woman with the steel-grey eyes.

Chihiro was ancient; not that you would know by looking at her, she still had the appearance of a woman in her mid-forties, grey only touching the temples of her hair. But when she was upset, her Japanese switched to a language so old, even the elders had to strain to understand what she said. And Rukongai's eldest woman was the queen of the world's oldest profession. She no longer partook in the revelries of prostitution, but she owned the largest number of brothels, from the dead-end cat houses of Rukongai to the beautiful institutions of Seireitei.

One would think that a woman of such a high standing would own a beautiful house somewhere in the higher districts of Rukongai, maybe even in Seireitei, but she liked her plain non-descript cottage in the middle of Zaraki. People tended to keep away, except for business, so she was rather surprised to see a figure curled up outside her front door.

She leant over the sleeping child, curious. He looked half-starved, a three year old face stuck on a seven year old body and very very dirty. He jerked awake, looking around with wild eyes, finally focusing on Chihiro.

"Sssshh, sssshh, it's okay, I won't hurt you." She said as the small boy made a move to run away, but was too weak to move fast enough. Instead he just stumbled behind a pillar, curling up as small as he could. Chihiro sighed; judging by the state of his clothes, he had only recently come to Soul Society. He still even had the tag telling new souls where to go still pinned on his back. He had just been led here, only to be abandoned. Poor thing, "Hey, boy, what is your name?"

The child shook his head, which Chihiro took to mean either he had no name or he wasn't going to tell her.

"Are you hungry? Do you want some food?" She asked. The boy hesitated, then nodded. Chihiro held out her hand, beckoning the boy to come with her. The boy stood up, warily, watching her. She lit a lantern and looked at the boy for the first time under the light. A stubborn little frown made his face look older than it actually was and tear-tracks had cut through the dirt on his hollow cheeks, "Come hither, child, I shall feed you." Eagerly, but warily, the boy followed her inside.

Chihiro sat the boy near the hearth, stirring up dying embers into a fire again. She took out cooked rice from the cooker it was in and presented it to the child. The boy neglected the chopsticks, favoring his hands as he wolfed it down hungrily.

She took the pinned down note on his back and began to read. Whatever information there was had either been ripped off or smudged, including his name. The only information she could really read clearly was his birth date: The 19th day of the 11th month, the first year of the Ten'ei period. Died three years later, five days from his birthday. Cause of death was unclear, but it looked like sickness.

"Young one, you need a bath." She ran her hand over a matted lock of hair.

"No baff." The boy said, shaking his head, speaking for the first time.

"Yes. Bath. Now." The command in her voice too powerful to resist. Gloomily, the boy was frog-marched to the bath house outside. One little perk about living in Zaraki was that Chihiro had a small natural hot spring to herself, which really was a blessing. She scrubbed the little boy from head to foot, dunking him into the soothing waters of the spring. By the time she was finished with him, he was yawning with exhaustion.

"Bed." She said.

"No bed." He shook his head, yawning again. She picked him up and he didn't resist; she didn't think he had the strength any longer to resist and instead relaxed against her shoulder. There was only one bed in the house, her own; she laid the sleeping boy beside her. It had been a while since she had a child in her home, her own children dead or moved on, and the boy was stirring up maternal instincts she thought were long since dormant. She fell asleep, stroking his soft hair, dreaming of happy times past.

………

………

"What about Togo? Do you like Togo?" Chihiro asked. It was a game the two played 'Deciding Names'. He had stayed with Chihiro a couple of years now, keeping to himself while Chihiro went to work. At first the game was 'Guess My Name', but the boy had forgotten his real name after a while. The problem was, the boy didn't like any names put to him, and he just laughed at them.

"No. Don't like it."

"How about Jimmu? Like the first emperor."

"No-oo." He giggled, now getting interested in his toes.

"What about Ken? Hmmm? Ken is good."

"Ummmmm." The boy hummed.

"Chihiro-oo, are you in?" A man shouted outside, cutting off the game abruptly. Chihiro sighed.

"Who zat?" he asked.

"A man I know. Go play in the corner while I talk to him." The boy did so while Chihiro opened the door.

"Kazu." She stated. The man was a past lover and husband, but she had moved on from his abusive love, paying him to leave her alone. Today was payday, the only time in the year she was required to see him, "Thou art drunk again." Her temper flared up.

"What's it to you, bitch? Got anymore booze?" He asked, barging past her. His bleary eyes settled on the boy, who was watching him like a cat would watch a dog, "Who's the kid?"

"He is a child I picked up on the street. He'll be staying with me for a while. Touch him not, Kazu!" She grabbed his collar before Kazu could grab the boy; he had a perverse love for the little ones. The boy scuttled away, hiding behind the door.

"Let go of me, woman." He tossed her hand away, "Just give me my money." Chihiro had it ready and thrust it in his hands. He left without saying anything.

"I hope thy unmentionables rot and thy brain boils in thy skull." She huffed, "Boy, you may come out now." 'Boy' as he was currently known, slid open the door.

"Mama, zat man was mean to you." He said, "Why?"

"He's always mean. If you ever see him around, hide or run away. Otherwise he will hit you."

"Ok," he nodded, "will you hit him with your big knife one day?" Chihiro's zanpakutou was the big knife in question. It had no form yet, just the size of a long dagger.

"Probably. He deserves it." She touched the hilt dreamily, "Are you ready to go to town, Boy? The girls will be looking forward to seeing you again." She smiled. He brightened, he liked going to town with Chihiro.

Chihiro knew it wasn't the best place to bring a child as young as he was to the biggest brothel in Rukongai, but she was worried about Kazu being so close to her adoptive son and knowing what he looked like. They were taken to the _Lost Paradise_ by palanquin, the boy thoroughly enjoying the ride. They were greeted like royalty at the brothel, the girls fawning over the child because he looked so grown up in his dark blue kimono. They ate multiple course meals and were entertained by dancers. After the excitement of the main entertainment, the adults sat down to smoke. The boy didn't like the smell of the poppy mixture and went to explore the hidden rooms downstairs.

The shadows, the sounds, the smell was all new to him and exciting. Chihiro explained to him what the 'bouncy cuddles' were and though he didn't quite understand just yet the meaning behind it was, he avoided those rooms anyway. Instead he liked walking around the drinking salons where old men and courtesans would slip him some sake or umeshu, watching the boy slowly get pickled as time went on. Then he'd just sit and watch the gambling, men patting his head as a good luck charm.

He was getting very sleepy, wandering around slightly dazed by the alcohol.

"Mama! Mama! I wanna go home now!" He called down the corridor of people. Everyone ignored him, pushing him to the side. Fed up, the boy turned down a wing of the huge complex, looking for an empty room. He found one and curled up in the futon to sleep.

What dreamless sleep he had was short lived, because he woke up after being dragged out of the bed. Held up from his left ankle, he could make out the pock-marked face of Kazu in front of him.

"Hey! You're that feral kid Chihiro bought in off the street. I never thought she'll stoop so low to sell her kid in a brothel." He chuckled, dangling the kid face-to-face with him.

"Lemme go!" The boy swung out with his fists, connecting with the man's nose. Kazu yelped, dropping him. Landing on his back, the boy began to scramble away, but was caught in the side by a swift kick.

"You'll pay for this, you cretin." He grabbed the boy's collar.

"Mama! Help!" He screamed.

"Chihiro ain't gonna help you here. She's probably high on opium somewhere," Kazu ripped off the boy's kimono, slamming him down on the wooden floor, "Now stay still!"

"Release him!" A silver flash cut across Kazu's back, causing him to arch in agony. Chihiro stood over the pair, sword in hand. The boy took his chance to run away to the other side of the room. Kazu reached into his robe, drawing out a dagger of his own. He slashed it, aiming for Chihiro's neck. She dodged it, but Kazu kicked out, slamming her against the wall. A lantern dropped and oil trickled over the floor, followed by hot blue flame. Kazu, with Chihiro pinned against the wall, knocked the sword from her hands, sending it skittering across the now burning floor towards the nameless boy.

"Mama!" The boy yelled in horror as Kazu began stabbing her in the gut. Once. Twice. Three times.

"Shoulda done that years ago." Kazu muttered, letting Chihiro slide down the bloody wall, barely breathing. Smiling, Kazu turned to the boy, "Hey, kid, where did you-" He felt a horrible pain in his chest. Looking down, he saw Chihiro's sword sticking out of his chest, held by the boy. Kazu wasn't sure, but he thought he could see a bright yellow aura surrounding the boy. He slumped over the boy, bathing him in a baptism of blood, gurgling his last breath.

"Mama!" The boy slid the sword from Kazu's corpse, running over to her side.

"My little one," she stroked his bloody face, tears cutting streaks down his face.

"Get up! There's fire everywhere." He shook her, the heat becoming more intense. Chihiro shook her head.

"I cannot move, boy. I'm dead with these wounds anyway." She gave him the scabbard her sword came in, "Run boy. Leave this place and go home."

"No. Don't wanna go. C'mon Mama, get up!" By now the fire had been discovered and people outside were screaming and running. Beams above the room were beginning to creak and moan, collapse coming soon.

"Do you have a death wish, child?! Get out of here! Flee this place!" She was shoving him away, but still he would stay beside her, sobbing. The fire was roaring now, the exit nearly blocked by flames. Chihiro used her elbow to get up, blood gushing from her wounds. Grabbing the boy, she flung him across the floor just before the fire had blocked it off completely.

"Mamaa!" The boy screamed, getting up and shielding his eyes from the heat. He couldn't see Chihiro anymore. The fire was eating through the beams remarkably quickly and with one stubborn cry, the walls collapsed inwards, whatever hope of saving Chihiro now gone.

He ran, through the corridors and screaming people, sword in one hand and scabbard in the other. He ran, past the gates of the brothel and continued running until he could no longer see the light of the fire. And still he ran, tripping and stumbling through Rukongai, terrified and sobbing. And he ran until he could run no more, collapsing under a tree in the middle of a strange district, curling around the only companion he had, Chihiro's chipped, ragged sword; still bloody, still bare.

The feral child from Zaraki would from now on, only feel safe with his sword protecting him.

* * *

Now for some side notes: I made his birth year 1111 on our calendar, which is roughly in the middle of the Heian period of Japan (a very peace-loving era), so Ken-chan's 888 years old :O a very lucky number (hey, if 8 is in yachiru x2 and kenpachi's name, three 8s will do him good)

About the recent Bleach chapters. Does anyone else see IchixHime, UlquixHime and IshixHime coming to a head? Ishida just barges in, fries up some arrancar and is all like "O HAI GAIZ, IM COMIN INTO UR FIGHT, STEALIN YOUR BABE!" I can totally see Ichigo and Ulquiorra shoop-da-whoop (ahem, I mean cero/bankai) his arse.


	60. Frostbite Part II

I am seriously procrastinating. Sorry for the lack of updates.

* * *

**Frostbite Part The Second**

One week. It had been one week before he was able to move all his body parts again without excruciating pain and as soon as he could, Kenpachi went after Ichigo. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best idea because the orange-haired brat was decidedly faster than him now since he achieved bankai and Kenpachi could almost feel Tousen's sword still piercing him in his lower abdomen. Unohana was probably likely to kill him for opening up his stitches again.

At around sunset, Kenpachi gave up looking for the teen and returned to the relief centre for some fresh bandages and to dump Yachiru on one of his seated officers to look after. He needed some serious chill-out time.

Yumichika wasn't too happy to have the child, but Kenpachi had left before he could protest. Kenpachi knew Matsumoto was out drinking somewhere, and was going to join the fun when he passed her captain, staring melancholically into the room which housed Hinamori.

Oh yeah, he nearly died, didn't he? Kenpachi thought, some old memories stirring up inside him. He still had to tell him about his origins, about his mother.

"Toushirou." He said.

The white-haired kid was about to automatically correct him on formalities, but decided not to, he just wasn't in the mood, "Zaraki-taicho"

"Come with me." Kenpachi motioned with his head, bells jingling.

"If it's to join Matsumoto and drinking, I decline your request."

"It wasn't a request. You're coming with me if ya like it or not." Toushirou looked at him with some anger glinting in his eyes.

"Zaraki, I-" He couldn't finish his sentence as Kenpachi hoisted him up and over his shoulder. In half a second, Kenpachi was out the doors and halfway across Seireitei, "Put me down! Where the hell are you taking me?!"

"I need to tell ya something." Kenpachi said, running at dizzying speeds, almost as fast as shunpo.

"At least put me down!" When Kenpachi didn't do as requested, Toushirou began to build up a binding spell. Kenpachi could feel the building riatsu and pinched the younger captain hard enough to disrupt Toushirou's attention.

"YEEOWCH!" Toushirou yelped. He was certainly going to report this to the Soutaicho as he felt blood trickle down his arm. He reached for his sword and much to his dismay; he remembered that he'd left it behind at the relief centre. He remembered Kenpachi was still injured and delivered a swift kick to where he thought the injury might be. It connected and Kenpachi stopped, feeling more stitches rip open.

"Are you freakin' insane?! Have you lost whatever sanity you have left?! Explain yourself!" Toushirou shouted as Kenpachi looked down at his bloody abdomen. He looked around…he wasn't too far away now.

"How much do ya remember of your mother?" Kenpachi muttered to the boy on his shoulder.

"What about her? She died before I could remember." Kenpachi still hadn't put Toushirou down, but was going off at a brisk pace.

"What has your grandmother told about her?"

"She – wait, how do you know I had a grandmother? Do you know something I don't?" He began struggling again but to no avail.

"Well, perhaps. I haven't told ya, but I've known ya for a very long time now."

"What?" Toushirou stopped struggling.

"Your grandmother might've told ya that your mother died when you were born…she might've also said you were delivered to her door by a stranger." He was quite close now. He knew the route well now, travelling to that place without getting lost, "That was me."

"What?" Toushirou repeated, this time with more shock than suspicion.

"Lemme explain. A long time ago, around 1815 I think, Yachiru 'n' me were shacked up for winter when we found this woman dyin' of frostbite. Her name was Yuki and she was pregnant…with you." Toushirou didn't say anything so Kenpachi continued, "She stayed with us until she gave birth to you…she died right afterwards…I promised her to bring you to your grandmother."

Kenpachi stopped, night now covered the glade but the full moon gave off enough light to see. In the gloom ruins of a house stuck out like teeth, but it was overgrown and covered with wisteria vines. Several wooden stakes were jutting out of the ground around them. Graves.

Kenpachi finally let Toushirou go, the smaller captain sliding down with a thump, "This place here was the last place your mother lived in before she died. I buried her here too."

Toushirou looked at the graves. There were several names: _Kinya; Yachiru; Raicho_…but his eyes skimmed over until he saw Yuki. For years he wondered where she was buried. He knew his father was buried in the shinigami graveyard but this…he placed his hand on top of the grave marker.

"Zaraki…" Toushirou turned around and walked towards the larger man. Kenpachi wasn't quite prepared for the punch; had the boy been tall enough to punch his face, Kenpachi would've been knocked out for sure, instead, he was floored, the wind knocked out of him.

"Shit." Kenpachi coughed with laughter.

"I _knew_ it! I've known you were that man all along! Granny told me a huge man with a scar down his left eye with a pink haired little girl delivered me to her. That's obviously you! I've wanted to ask you for years since I first saw you…but why…why tell me _now_? Why tell me now after Aizen and everything?!" His voice was strained with frustration. Kenpachi lay where he fell, staring upwards.

"I wanted to…since we first met. But my brain always said…not yet, not yet, he's not ready yet," Kenpachi said, "Yachiru wanted to tell you as well, but it was never the right time."

"And this is? Your timing sucks, Zaraki."

"No, my timing has always been good. We've nearly died, right? In the last week alone, twice I have been a hair's breadth away from death…you as well. And it's only gonna get worse…it is likely we will never see next spring…I like ya Toushirou and I think this will be the only time I could tell ya the truth."

"Why did you let me punch you then?" It was a valid question; Kenpachi wasn't the one to let someone punch him.

"I kinda deserved it, lettin' it get so long before I told you."

"…did you know my mother before she was pregnant?" he asked, folding his arms.

"Nah, I only knew her for a couple of months." Kenpachi sat up. Toushirou seemed visibly relieved, "why'd ya ask that?"

"Because…Granny said she hadn't seen my mother for a year before I turned up…truth be told, she didn't really trust mother…she didn't really think I was her son's child…"

It took several seconds before Kenpachi realized what he had been hinting at, "Did she think…no, did _you_ think _I_ was your father?" He grinned.

"For a while…yes." He coughed, "I had many sleepless nights over that."

Kenpachi's grin faltered, "If things had turned out differently…maybe I could've been."

"What?"

"I liked your mother and I liked that winter, playing house, pretending I wasn't some street kid with no future. Yuki…I didn't know what she thought, but she was in no hurry to leave. Hell, if I hadn't promised to bring you to your grandmother's I might've kept you around."

Toushirou's world began to spin: _Him?_ Zaraki's son…had he been that close to being adopted into such a bloody, dark world?

"What would've happened if I had said I was your father?" Kenpachi asked.

"I would've killed you with my bare hands." Toushirou said in all seriousness. Kenpachi grinned at the thought.

"Luckily I'm not. I would've let you."

Toushirou looked around again.

"Who do these other graves belong to?" He asked, his hand resting on a marker with 'Chihiro' written on it.

"Friends, family…none of their bodies lie here, only your mother's. It's the only proof I have that they existed." He looked around at all the graves…he was still stunned that he had known…and lost so many people.

"I always thought you were a simple man, Zaraki."

"I am. I'm simply complicated." He heaved himself up to his feet, clutching his still bleeding side, "Shit, I'm surprised you're so calm about this."

"I'm not. Deep down I'm deeply disturbed and for the first time in my life, I want to get drunk with Matsumoto…and I've broken my wrist punching you; the pain is keeping me from completely breaking down from horror."

"That's my boy." Kenpachi joked, slapping the boy's shoulder, winding him.

Toushirou gritted, "Refrain from calling me that…or telling anyone else about this."

"Sure thing…wanna drink? We got some pretty potent shit down at our headquarters. You might want it."

"…Fine. One drink."

* * *

I have discovered the perfect woman to pair Ikkaku up with, unfortunately, she's not from Bleach. Helen from Claymore is quite possibly Ikkaku's soulmate, which has tempted me to make a crossover of the two fandoms.


	61. Ribbon

This, I believe was a winning prompt I was supposed to be working on ages and ages ago. I am so very soory for the lack of diligence on this. The prompt was ribbon and involved Ikkaku and Yumichika. Initially, I was going to write a piece with an original character in it, but steered from that and instead focused on how Yumichika got his short hair. This is funnier.

**

* * *

Ribbon**

"All right, you lot!" Ikkaku shouted above the small gathering of new recruits, "Listen up! I ain't gonna repeat myself! The Hollow nest is around this area, so keep your guard up! I don't wanna come in an' save your pathetic arses, so Yumichika will be doin' that."

"Only if I deem you're beautiful enough to be saved." Yumichika swished his long dark hair behind him dramatically.

"If ya'll survive this, you guys are bona fide 11th Divisioners. Now go out there and kick some Hollow arse!" The pair watched the group disappear into the trees behind them.

"I hope they don't all get killed this time," Yumichika commented after a brief pause, "We're beginning to run low on members."

"Pah, they'll be fine. It's not like the Hollow is hugely powerful. It'll cull the weak anyway." Ikkaku waved a hand dismissively. A scream of a Hollow rang out from the woods, followed closely by cries of the novice shinigami. Yumichika fished around in his breast pocket for a hair ribbon, tying his hair back for battle.

"Let's go see how they're going." He raced off into the forest, Ikkaku close behind. They reached the clearing where the Hollow's nest was, the battle raging fiercely. Ikkaku ducked as a stream of boiling green liquid was spat at him, hitting the tree with a heavy squelch. The gunk hardened almost instantly, which probably explained the numerous living shinigami statues.

"Holy crap, they did they _all_ get trapped?" Ikkaku groaned, "Che, pathetic." He unsheathed Houzukimaru and gazed at the worm-like Hollow, which was currently ripping a hand off a poor stuck novice, "Oi! You! Yeah, you with the mask! Try me on for size!" The Hollow dropped the screaming shinigami and slithered towards him.

"I'll go call 4th." Yumichika rolled his eyes, leaving Ikkaku to deal with the problematic Hollow. They could just leave the recruits there, there were strict rules regarding abandoning dying rookies. Ikkaku dispatched the Hollow in no less than 15 seconds, expertly dodging the sprays of liquid cement.

"Heh, I won. Luck-luck-lucky!" He broke out in dance, the Hollow disintegrating behind him. Yumichika started stomping on the human statues in an effort to free the people inside the green gunk, while Ikkaku was helping look for the hand of a pale, bloody shinigami.

"Ew. Ugly." Yumichika lifted his foot from the mess, shaking off green gunk with a look of utmost disgust.

"Well, that ain't gonna be reattached any time soon," Ikkaku informed the handless shinigami, holding up the said hand. The hand was still pink, yet tendons hung off the flesh like white ribbons, "Oi! Yumichika look!" Ikkaku pulled on the tendons hanging off the hand, causing the fingers to move and twitch. By grabbing all the tendons at once and pulling, Ikkaku made the hand bunch into a fist and relax again.

"Give it back to the boy." Yumichika groaned, half-amused half-disgusted by his friend's antics.

"Ok, fine." Ikkaku handed over the hand, watching the medical shinigami arrive, "Oh and by the way, you've failed the test. Same goes for everyone else!" He shouted to the numerous injured and near-dead shinigami.

"Perhaps you could've put that in perhaps a more…nicer manner?" Yumichika commented, giving up entirely on freeing the others.

"Yeah, pr'haps…you got something in your hair." Ikkaku pointed. Yumichika's hands flew up to his hair, patting it frantically until he found the problem.

"It's stuck." Yumichika gasped, trying to pull out the piece of green gunk.

"You musta been hit with a bit when we were first attacked…damn, it's all over your ribbon too."

"What?!" The pretty one squeaked with terror, "do you know how much that thing cost me?! Help me, untie it." Ikkaku set down his zanpakutou and with dexterous fingers, tried to free Yumichika's long hair from the ribbon, "Ow. OW. _OW._ Careful!"

"It's _stuck._" Ikkaku couldn't unpick it with his nails and tried to go at it with his teeth.

"What the hell?! Stop it! You might damage the ribbon!"

"It's just a ribbon." Ikkaku stopped his molar attack on the green gunk; it tasted way too bitter.

"A ribbon that costs at _least_ 10 times its weight in gold!" Yumichika griped, pulling away. Ikkaku looked at him with wide eyes, "it's made from windflower silk. I spent a year's wages on it."

"_Why?_" Ikkaku stressed in disbelief. He saw no point in buying ridiculous amounts of money on items of clothing, especially on something as non-essential as a ribbon, "Think of all the _booze_ you could've bought!"

"It's all about booze for you." Yumichika sighed, trying again to pull the ribbon out.

"Come back over here. You got any scissors?" Ikkaku motioned.

"If you even _think_ about cutting it off, I'll kill you." Yumichika glared at him suspiciously.

"I ain't gonna do that," Ikkaku replied, "I was thinking of using scissors to pry away the gluey stuff. I know you have manicure scissors on you somewhere."

"If you even put a thread out of line, I'll carve your femur into a flute and play it over your grave." Yumichika reluctantly retrieved the scissors from a hidden inner pocket and passed it over to Ikkaku, meaning every word he said.

"Of course," Ikkaku twirled his finger, "turn around." Yumichika obeyed and Ikkaku went to work. It was going well until…

"Whoops."

Yumichika's heart leapt into his throat.

"Whoops? _Whoops?!_"

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Ikkaku swallowed, feeling his friend's riatsu rise.

"Good."

"I didn't cut the ribbon."

"Then what's the bad news?" Yumichika gritted his teeth.

"You don't need to wear one…"

"YOU CUT MY HAIR???!!" Yumichika screeched, fumbling in his pockets for his mirror.

"Well, only half."

"EEEEK!" Yumichika grabbed a fistful of shoulder length hair up to his mirror. Swivelling around on his heel, Yumichika slammed his forehead in Ikkaku's jaw, flooring the taller man.

"Owww…"Ikkaku touched his jaw, a bruise already beginning to blossom there, "I think you're really over-reacting. It'll grow back." Yumichika moaned into his hands, sobbing.

"It took me years to get my hair beautiful." He blubbed, holding the longer end of hair as one might carry a dying bird. Ikkaku held up the pair of scissors.

"You might want to cut the other piece off…it looks a little, uneven." He said guiltily. With big, fat tears coursing down his face, Yumichika took the scissors and with much drama, snipped delicately away at his hair. The rumpled ribbon fell from his hair and softly onto the grass. The whole ordeal needs its own violin solo, Ikkaku thought, rolling his eyes.

"Well?" Yumichika sniffed, as if asking for approval.

"It's fine. Grow up, you big baby." Ikkaku pushed himself off the ground.

"Really?" Yumichika pouted, inspecting the ends of his hair between his fingers.

"Yes. Really," Ikkaku growled, "C'mon, let's go. I'll by you a drink…after we pawn that ribbon off." He flashed a toothy grin at Yumichika, who was still mourning the loss of his hair.

"I think I'll go hang myself now." Yumichika hung his head as he was lead away, spouting more threats and insults at his friend who kept it calmly in his stride. In fact, Yumichika was embarrassed to admit that he secretly liked the change. And secretly, Ikakku liked it too.

* * *

Oh and btw, Kubo Tite, please don't kill off Hitsugaya...not that I really like the shrimp, but I kinda want him around for fanfiction. Kthnxbai.


	62. Drown

Hi! I'm back with another angsty piece. But it involves a dog, so that counter-acts everything. I'm sick :( I have a lovely chest infection that makes me go into a coughing fit whether I laugh or talk.

On behalf of my friend, I'm here to recruit new RPGers. No, nothing like WoW or those stupid Facebook apps which tell you to get more friends with every level. This is a writing RPG for Bleach where we can use our special OC (Mary-Sue) characters and romp around Seireitei with others as dorky and fangirly as we are. Hell, you can even play a canon character and OOC the _hell_ out of them. Anyway, the website is on my profile (you might wanna copy/paste the URL into your search bar) so come join us!

* * *

**Drown**

Yachiru paddled in the shallow waters of the river, watching fish come and nibble at her toes. Giggling, she tried to catch them while Kenpachi looked on from the bank, starting up a fire to cook the fish he had caught. Summer days don't come as good as this, he thought, poking a sharp stick through a still twitching fish.

"Don't go in too deep," he said, "Or I won't go in to get ya." Neither Yachiru nor Kenpachi could swim. Most people could at least stay above the water, but Kenpachi had nobody to teach him and generally avoided water deeper than waist deep as a rule.

"Hey, Ken-chan, it's a sack." Yachiru pointed at a floating sack coming down the river. Kenpachi looked up to see the little girl reach out and grab the heavy wet thing. Opening up the drawstring, she gazed inside.

"So, what's inside?" He asked as he tried to interpret her reaction.

"Puppies." She said sadly. Yachiru looked at the drowned puppies with the maturity of a child who had seen death too often to grieve; but even she could feel a twinge of sadness. Kenpachi stopped impaling the near-dead fish and looked up for a second.

"Put them back. Let them be." He called. Yachiru was about to draw the string and set them down the river when she caught sight of some movement. Reaching inside the sack, she drew out a tiny form, still moving.

"This one's still alive!" She said, surprised. The little puppy squeaked as Yachiru held it to her chest.

"What? Really?" Kenpachi raised his brow as Yachiru bounded up the bank to show him. The little thing was so tiny, it could fit in one of Yachiru's hands, but it wriggled and squeaked, deaf and blind as it was.

"Can I keep it?" she asked. Kenpachi rolled his eyes; she was like this with every animal she saw, she even asked if she could keep a Hollow once.

"It's a newborn, Yachiru. It ain't gonna live long without its momma."

"I'll be its momma." She nodded, cradling the puppy gently. She looked serious and seeing Yachiru serious was a very serious thing indeed.

"Fine," he sighed, "but understand this: I ain't feedin' it and I ain't cleaning up its crap. Whether it lives or dies will be your own responsibility, got it?"

"Got it!" She nodded. The little pup was sucking on one of Yachiru's fingers, "I think it's hungry."

"Well, go feed it. It needs milk." Kenpachi shrugged, "at least, for the next couple of days." Newborns in Soul Society, either animal or human, only required to drink milk for two or three days after being born; any time after that, they can subside only on water like any other soul. Dead souls don't need much in the way of nourishment.

"I'll go and find someone who can help," she bounded away towards the nearby village, "Leave some fish for me!" she shouted back as Kenpachi waved lazily in agreement. The puppy won't live for another couple of hours, Kenpachi thought, testing the fish to see if it was cooked yet.

Of course, when a couple of hours had passed and Yachiru still hadn't returned, Kenpachi got up and went to look for her, cold cooked fish in tow. It took him the greater part of an hour looking through the streets of the village until he spotted her down a back alley. Somehow she had found a stray bitch with a set of puppies of her own and the little puppy was nursing with the litter of much older puppies.

"I'm gonna call her Sen-nuki!" Yachiru announced as Kenpachi drew near. The bitch turned and growled at the huge man, who backed to a safe distance. How the kid managed to convince the dog not to bite her and then let the puppy suckle was beyond him.

"Her?"

"Well, of course it's a 'her'! She hasn't got any balls!" Yachiru protested. Kenpachi laughed and passed her a fish to eat. Yachiru didn't eat it and instead gave it to the bitch suckling the puppy; she gulped it down gratefully.

"Sen-nuki? Ya could've come up with a better name, Yachiru." Sen-nuki meant 'cork-screw'.

"She's silver and has a curly tail. I can't think of a better name." Kenpachi noted that the girl looked absolutely smitten with something that in his own eyes looked like an albino rat.

"Before you ask, you aren't allowed any of the other puppies." He pointed lazily at the litter of larger fluffier puppies.

"Ok." She smiled. It was the second time tonight Yachiru surprised Kenpachi; usually she would beg and plead with giant brown, wet eyes to get the entire litter. She looked rather happy and satisfied, like a mother. Kenpachi he would never get to see that expression again. Ever.

………

And thus began the era of Sen-nuki. She grew, like most puppies, rather quickly. Yachiru would carry the pup with her on Kenpachi's back, which made him feel like a pack-horse. When the fluffy white pup grew much larger, Yachiru was soon to be found walking beside and then riding the huge thing. Sen-nuki grew so large that Kenpachi joked that he might be able to ride on her and tried to demonstrate only to get his arse bitten by the insulted dog.

It was also the first time Kenpachi had ever found a rival…at least for Yachiru's attentions; she rode on Sen-nuki's back; she slept with the 'giant space-heater' as he would like to call Sen-nuki instead of him. He felt a little…jealous, but in the end they both got belly-rubs, so no love lost there.

Not to mention the dog could outstare him. That just wasn't fair.

Never-the-less, the hound was respectful of Kenpachi and regarded him as an equal while Yachiru was the leader of their small pack. Had Kenpachi had known of Sen-nuki's opinion, he would throw her back into the river. But Sen-nuki was invaluable when it came to tracking, leading Kenpachi back to Yachiru through smell, or, dragging a sleeping Yachiru back to Kenpachi.

For that, Kenpachi would rake his fingers through the long, white hair of the Akita, neither party wanting to admit they enjoyed it.

……….

Kenpachi gazed up at the sky, seeing the clouds flash silently with the approaching storm. Already the mountain river beside them was already swollen and brown from the rain. Kenpachi looked at Yachiru, riding on the huge dog asleep; Sen-nuki looked up at him and briefly wagged her cork-screw tail, rather proud she was carrying their sleepy leader.

"Time to stop for a bit." He said, stroking Sen-nuki's head absent-mindedly. He reached down and pulled Yachiru up off the dog, the child wrapping her arms around him in her sleep. Settling her down in some soft moss, he pulled out a tarpaulin from his pack and stretched it between two branches. The thunder began and Yachiru woke up from the noise.

"The elephants are having a party on the roof again." He smiled at the little girl.

"Silly Ken-chan, there are no elephants up there." She yawned. Sen-nuki opened her mouth in a sort of dog-smile, tongue hanging out and tail thumping on the dirt. Yachiru went and sat on Kenpachi's lap, knowing they would watch the lightning come through. Sen-nuki joined them, curled up by Kenpachi's leg.

They were so absorbed in watching nature's firework display they didn't even notice the bandits creeping through the woods; even Sen-nuki's sense of smell didn't warn them until it was too late.

Yachiru was thrown to one side as Kenpachi leapt up and punched the first bandit in the face, crunching the nose under his fist. Sen-nuki leapt towards her master, leaping at the throat of another bandit that had appeared; Yachiru was so close, she could feel arterial spay splatter on her cheek. All she knew was to get out of Kenpachi's way and fast. The huge swordsman had already located his zanpakutou and was merrily cutting through the bandits like grass.

His merriment was cut short however when he heard a simultaneous yelp of pain and a shriek of surprise. He turned and saw that Yachiru was being held up as a hostage by a wiry and gaunt bandit beside the river bank. Kenpachi looked for Sen-nuki and saw the dog lying still in the grass beside him.

"Don't move! Or the girl will die!" The bandit pointed a wicked-looking knife at Yachiru's throat, drawing a bead of blood. Kenpachi stopped; there was no way Kenpachi could storm forward and kill him without Yachiru getting in his way and the bandit knew it.

"Leave the girl be, she is of no use to you." He snarled, blinking rain water out of his eye.

"She might be…once we've finished with you." He motioned to one of his followers to stab Kenpachi. The man might've been quick enough to kill Kenpachi had not nature been faster. In a crack of white, hot light, the bank was hit by lightning. The weight of the bandit and child proved too much for the dirt bank and they both fell into the river.

"Shit," Kenpachi swung out and decapitated three men with one swing before racing to the river's edge, just to glimpse Yachiru's pink head enveloped by the brown turbulent waters of the storm-swollen river. She couldn't swim and he could no longer see her. A silver flash raced past him as Sen-nuki jumped into the river after her master, she too enveloped by the muddy water.

Kenpachi stood there, searching for a white or pink head burst through. It was several seconds before he spotted something, but to him it was like a lifetime; much further downstream he saw a hand before it disappeared again. Racing down the river he continued to look and look.

And he continued to look much later in the evening, hope had faded a long time ago. He just wished that he could find at least a body, an item of clothing.

"Yachiru!"

"Sen-nuki!"

His cries were left unanswered and empty in the wet forest. He was beginning to shiver now, but not from the cold. At last he heard something: a whine of a dying dog. Following the sound, he found a white form on the ground curled up around a smaller, pinker form on a small beach in the river bend.

Sen-nuki raised a weary head, her tail thumping on the ground as he approached. In the dark, Kenpachi could see a wet, red wound in her side, whether from the bandits or something in the river he couldn't say.

"Good dog. Good girl." He stroked her behind the ears as he checked for signs of life in the little girl. She was alive but unconscious. After a few brief moments of slapping her cheek gently, Kenpachi managed to get the girl awake.

"Ken-chan?" she coughed, disorientated. Sen-nuki, relieved that she was awake, turned and began licking her face. Yachiru turned over and began stroking the dog's pelt, feeling her heat beat getting slower. Sen-nuki looked up at Kenpachi and held the stare for a few seconds.

It was rather a poignant and intelligent stare and deep within both human and animal, they felt that something had come full circle. With a long sigh, Sen-nuki closed her eyes and passed on. A debt repaid.

It was several minutes before Yachiru stopped stroking her companion. Silently, both humans stood up and went to find river stones. The gathering didn't stop until early dawn where they began piling the cairn above the animal. Sen-nuki couldn't have been more than three years old. Yachiru climbed on Kenpachi's back and together they left the riverbank.

Many years later, when Yachiru entered the 13 Court Guards and developed her Zanpakutou, people began noticing that her riatsu took a particular form. While most generally agreed it looked like a snarling dog or a cat on steroids, Kenpachi would swear on his eyepatch that it looked vaguely like a familiar dog. Yachiru agrees.

* * *

There has been a debate over what Yachiru's riatsu form is. I've heard people claim it's a dog, while others say it's a cat/lion. Personally, I like to think it's a cat but a dog fits oh-so-nicely here.


	63. Golf

Hi everybody~ I have some crack for you~

* * *

**Golf**

Japan isn't well known for its golf courses, or for its golfers. But, they're there, often found surprisingly in the middle of urban Tokyo, wedged between malls and office buildings. Precious green gems for fabulously rich business men, manicured lawns almost too perfect to be touched. It made Kenpachi almost want to barf.

In fact, everything about the whole goddamn Captains' trip made him want to punch something so hard, _it_ throws up. First of all, it was General Yamamoto's turn to pick the outing, which was golf; Kenpachi had no idea what golf was, but anything had to be better than Aizen's trip the year previous. Kenpachi was still picking gravel out of his nose from that one.

Then Ikkaku explained what golf was to him; as far as he knew, it was a traditional Scottish game for aristocrats by whacking a ball into a hole some way away.

Yumichika then managed to convince Kenpachi that he had to wear traditional Scottish garb.

Fucking kilts.

He was going to _kill_ that fruity little bastard when he got back.

From the corner of his eye, he could see twitchy little company presidents in Armani snigger at him. He wondered if he could change the rules of golf and instead of whacking balls off tees, it will be whacking heads off fat little businessmen. Those drivers looked temptingly lethal.

Kenpachi adjusted his aim. With a swing of one arm, the driver pinged the little white ball high into the sky.

"TIMBER!" Kenpachi shouted. Further down the fairway, a man collapsed as the ball clocked him out. For someone who had no depth perception, Kenpachi had remarkable aim.

"I believe ya say 'Fore' when it's gonna hit someone." Gin drawled. Gin, now _there_ was someone who knew how to have fun. The commander suggested that they split up into teams of two, drawing names out of a hat. Tousen declined (had a hissy fit) because he couldn't actually play. Ukitake suddenly decided to burp blood bubbles and stayed back in the clubhouse, no doubt thrilled with the company of a grumpy blind man. Komamura was unsurprisingly absent from this trip as he declined all outings. Antisocial bastard; Kenpachi thought.

"Che. This is gonna take forever." Kenpachi huffed. They were incredibly far behind the others, mainly due to the fact that Kenpachi simply _could not putt_. That and Gin couldn't drive the golf cart very well. Kenpachi wasn't allowed to drive it. The thought of putting a vehicle in his hands was terrifying, especially after he went on that motorcycle chase a little while back.

"Ain't it?" Gin said, getting back on the golf cart. He squinted at the controls; of course he squinted at everything, but this was an _intense_ squint. Kenpachi sat beside him, crouched over because of the low roof.

"Take the gearstick outta neutral, yeah that's it. Now, step on the right pedal-" The cart lurched forward so quickly, both of them slammed their heads into their head rests, "_gently_, Ichimaru, ya bastard. _Gently_."

"I'm _tryin'_, Zaraki-san." Gin squinted, slowing down the speeding vehicle.

"Lemme drive, you suck at this." Kenpachi tried to move seats while the cart was still moving. Gin let out what could only be described as a squeak as the cart tipped perilously on two wheels.

"Y'can't! Stop it! I can't see!"

Kenpachi looked up, "Oh shit. Tree! Brake! _Brake!_"

Gin slammed his foot down. Unfortunately it wasn't the brake.

Kenpachi tumbled kilt-over-head out of the cart, cursing everything to hell and wished fervently he had his zanpakutou with him. He got up and watched Gin storm off, squinting in wrath.

"Oi! Whaddya doin'?" He shouted after him.

"I'm walkin'! I ain't drivin' that thing no more."

Fair deal, Kenpachi thought, turning back to the over-ended cart. With a small push, he corrected it back the right way up. There was a small tree imbedded in the grating. With a grin, Kenpachi scrambled into the cart and started to drive of after the silver-haired shinigami.

"I hafta say, you drive so bad, that I have no choice but to commandeer the vehicle," he drove up next to Gin, smiling, "you don't need to drive anymore."

Gin looked visibly relieved after hearing that, "Alrigh'" He said, "let's go an' catch up with the others." He jumped into the cart.

They motored off at great speed, Kenpachi having the insane, but brilliant, idea of whacking the ball while they were moving. Like polo, but with golf carts, and drivers.

It was working pretty well until they reach the ninth hole where they met up with Byakuya and Shunsui were putting. Shunsui was completely plastered, having sneaked a large bottle of vodka and sweet orange on the course; but to Kenpachi's delight, Byakuya was also completely hammered. Having never had vodka before, the noble had grabbed the bottle, nearly draining it, not tasting the hidden alcohol. Now he was trying unsuccessfully to get his ball out of a sand trap.

"Blasted…ball," he slurred, squinting, "It keeps moving."

"It's you who's moving." Shunsui corrected, watching the noble sway with uncontained glee. Kenpachi drove up beside them, grinning nearly as widely as Gin. They watched as the noble swung unnecessarily hard at the ball, missing it and falling unbalanced into the sand. Kenpachi snickered unashamedly.

"How dare you laugh at me, commoner," Byakuya rose shakily to his feet, pointing his wedge at Kenpachi, "Don't make me go feudal Japan on you."

"Sorry _Princess_," Kenpachi smirked, "I didn't mean to laugh at your royal ass." He missed seeing the old Byakuya and it was a shame it only came out when he was drunk, "But you suck."

"I do not, whatever it is, 'suck'. Hypocrite. I can beat you one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed…"

"And drunk." Shunsui added wryly.

"And drunk." Byakuya nodded. Kenpachi noted that he was already doing things one-armed and one-eyed…drunk however…that could be arranged.

"Is that a challenge?" Tension began to fill the air as the pair tried to stare each other down.

"It is."

Gin squinted and sighed in exasperation, "Y'know, at this point I would usually just bind Zaraki up and take him far away…" he said to Shunsui, "but I'm just gonna let Armageddon happen this time. Feel like joinin' me and movin' to a place far, far away?"

"How about to the clubhouse for a drink?" the brown-haired captain suggested perhaps a bit _too _eagerly. Gin turned to squint back at Kenpachi and Byakuya, the taller shinigami looking for something to partially blindfold the noble, holding a flask of whiskey and already hopping on one leg. Oh _God _no.

"I was thinkin' France, but that'll do." He squinted cheerfully, grabbing Shunsui's pink collar and walking quickly away from the imminent disaster.

………

………

"You found them doing _what?_" Yachiru squealed delightedly, while Soifon explained why Kenpachi wouldn't be coming home today. Ikkaku and Yumichika looked on, both terribly impressed and somewhat embarrassed…not for Kenpachi, but for Byakuya. Of course they admired Kenpachi no matter what he did, but they hadn't expected such awesomeness from Kuchiki.

"Jousting, in their golf carts no less. Now you know Zaraki-taichou was banned from driving a motorized vehicle, which is the primary reason to why he is detained. But he also broke a lot of golf rules…a _lot_ of rules."

"Ken-chan musta made it more fun, then." Yachiru folded her arms, both defiant and pleased.

"The kilt itself was a crime against humanity." Soifon added, glancing at Yumichika. Yumichika stared up at the ceiling innocently, obviously very smug with himself.

"I agree," he said, dismissing it with a flick of his wrist, "but I am not one to judge traditional garb, no matter how ugly it is."

"About that, Zaraki-taichou has a message for you, Yumichika-san."

"Oh? What?" He asked curiously. Soifon, without so much of a wind-up, punched him squarely in the face. Yumichika reeled from the hit, dropping to the floor.

"That was pretty much about it," She smirked as Yumichika thumbed his bleeding nose in horror, "though I think you got off rather light."

"I see why taichou set you with the message," Ikkaku remarked dryly, "Hey brat, where are you going?" Ikkaku called after Yachiru as she started to head out the door.

"I'm gonna give Bya-chan a firm handshake and tell him he's finally won the respect of Eleventh." She giggled.

"You know that's gonna piss him off big-time, dontcha?" A grin began to creep over Ikkaku's face, "Pat him on the back too."

* * *

I have a confession to make. I _adore_ the current fillers. Just something about it makes me squee (think of the pr0n!)

And because Kubo Tite designed the zanpakutou spirits, I've removed Desecrate because of canon clashes (I didn't really like it anyway)


	64. Melt

A story about Yachiru's growing maturity as a woman. Yachiru x Toushirou

**

* * *

Melt**

It was around the same time Yachiru was beginning to wear bras that she noticed that boys were acting differently around her. She knew that the majority of men liked boobs, but she never really quite realized the effect they held until now. Men didn't treat her as a child anymore and she found them staring at her as if caught by a dream.

"It's because you're hot." Ikkaku commented one day. Yumichika pinched his friend sharply, causing the bald one to grunt in pain.

"What Ikkaku meant to say was that you're beautiful," Yumichika said with all honesty, "You've become quite a rose."

Yachiru, flattered that she had received such a compliment from Yumichika, was now suddenly aware of lust. She had seen lust for well over two centuries now and was deeply disturbed that she was now the target of men's fantasies. She saw what lust did to people and wanted no part of it. That was, until, she was beginning to experience it herself.

She saw men now in a new light; it was as if a switch had been turned on in her head, revealing some surprising things. Men she knew were handsome had suddenly become hot; all the talks about sex and all the dirty little details suddenly had new meaning and she was, quite frankly, terrified.

She discovered that she could no longer talk deeply to Kenpachi like she used to, because she was embarrassed that he might know what she thinks now. Of who she likes, what she finds attractive was suddenly too embarrassing now.

Then she was confronted with the notion that one day, she might have sex herself. The very thought of it made her blush down to her toes: who? And where? And when? The images she had, brief flashes of what it could be like, made her skin tingle with fear and anticipation.

She shouldn't really be dwelling on such things and tried to keep such thoughts down for a couple of years. But she could no longer ignore it anymore and started to seriously contemplate on the _who_.

Byakuya was the first person who she thought about, but he was still so cold and regarded her as a child. She didn't think she ever saw any spark of lust in his eyes over her…or over anyone for that matter just yet. She watched her division train during the afternoon, but the only people who she considered attractive in her division was Ikkaku and Yumichika. But, to include sex into that part of the relationship includes several levels of wrong she didn't want to contemplate about. And Yumichika was probably Ikkaku-sexual anyway.

She was going to give up all ideas of sex and become a nun when, one day, she found an ice flower melting on the porch. It was a clear block of ice, carved delicately into a rose. She cradled it in her hand, feeling the melting water slip between her fingers. Only Toushirou could leave such an item here, but whether it was intended for her, she didn't know. She placed the flower in the freezer; it was too pretty to leave it to melt.

The following days later, she was beginning to realize that she was 'coincidently' bumping into Toushirou wherever she was going. She met him during training; once again in a random part of Seireitei and then again at the hot springs. She _knew_ Toushirou didn't like the hot springs, for the precise reason that he didn't like being hot. They were friends, yes, but they didn't hang out with each other.

But still, he was there, and Yachiru really had to look at him one more time. He had grown up, that much was certain. He had lost the cutesy boyish face, his jaw more pronounced, and his eyes not as round. He was tall enough to stare directly into Kenpachi's throat, which was still a head above the rest of the Gotei 13. He still had the lanky elbow-and-knee build of a teen, but he would fill out quite nicely in the next few years. The only failing flaw he really had was that he had a spiky mullet thing going on, which looked like the retarded albino love-child of Renji's pineapple head and Ichigo's demon-Hollow hair. Otherwise, he was quite handsome.

And Yachiru found she was rather taken with him.

Toushirou began to come past on errands and Yachiru would be waiting for him, and the two would make awkward small talk, the occasional 'accidental' touches and longing looks. Somehow these were not noticed by the majority of Seireitei, with the exception of Yumichika.

"Don't feel as if you have to," He commented one day when Yachiru was alone with him, "There's no need to rush things."

"I'm old enough, Yumi." She replied.

"True. But remember, Yachiru, once you start having sex, you will have _lots_ of sex. Just make sure that you're _sure_, you can't get it back otherwise."

Yachiru was glad Yumichika cared enough not to care, "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind."

Over the months, she mulled over his advice, finding she had become closer with the silver-haired captain. Touches had become caresses; caresses, kisses. She wondered if this is what being in love was like; if so, it was a very different feeling of love she had experienced. Days passed as if in a blur, her waking thoughts and sleeping dreams consumed by this strange feeling of ecstasy.

By this stage, Kenpachi knew what was going on. In fact he knew about it since the first day since he found an ice flower in his freezer, wedged between the ice cream and the frozen peas. He didn't know what to do, so being Kenpachi, he largely ignored it. He wanted Yachiru to figure things out for herself.

Yachiru was figuring things out for herself. She asked why Toushirou had wanted to be with her; he explained that he had seen her sleeping in the sun outside his division one day, he had spotted a stray lock of hair had settled across her face. All he wanted to do was to brush that lock away and kiss her on the lips to wake her.

That night they slept together for the first time. Yachiru didn't know what to expect, even though it was described to her many times by many women. To her it was a jumble of limbs, heated breaths, nervous lips on lips and the somewhat pain every story warned you about. It certainly wasn't the romantic, beautiful vision she had in her head; it was over too quickly and both were sweaty with nerves.

But, she didn't regret it. Even after they agreed to break up some months later, she knew she did everything correctly. Yes, she was a little heartbroken that they had gone in separate directions, but she would not grudge Toushirou for taking her. It was nice to think that his heart had melted for her and her heart for him. It was special and it will forever be.

* * *

Initially I was going to have Ikkaku or Yumichika be 'the one', but as I wrote in the story, that was bordering almost on the incestual/general wrong side of things.


	65. Rant

I haven't done an UnoxKen for a while. So...This is how the war began between 4th and 11th. And I don't understand how Ukitake stays so nice all the time.

* * *

**Rant**

Ukitake gazed into his tea, sighing contently as the mug warmed his hands. It was a quiet evening, the sun heading towards the horizon with silent dignity. He dangled his legs over his porch, his feet dabbling on the surface on the water, attracting the koi to come up and nibble at his toes. He was feeling quite well today and breathed easily, probably because the calendar with him featured nearly nude had finally gone out of syndication.

He heard a knock on the door, "Come in." He said, hoping it wasn't his Equal Third Seats. He liked them as he liked everyone else, but they had reached their OMGSTFU quotas for the day. Once over that point, he started burping blood bubbles.

"Jyuu-chaa-aan." Kyouraku sang, opening the slide door. In his hand he carried a full jug of sake. This was not unusual, in fact the norm; but if he came here alone it meant he didn't want to party, he needed to rant. With a sigh bordering that of the long-suffering, he withdrew his feet from the pond and sat down on his comfy chair, toweling his near-numb toes.

"So, what calls you over on this lovely evening, Kyouraku-san?" He asked, pulling out a pair of sake dishes from a nearby cabinet, setting them on the low coffee (sake) table.

"Nanao-chan hates me-e-e-ee." The senior captain sobbed. Ukitake subtly rolled his eyes. It seemed everyone came to him if they needed to rant, and they ranted and raved until they reached their personal Rant Quotient, whereupon Ukitake will grin bloodily with a look that said I-Have-Tuberculosis-Your-Troubles-Are-Not-Worse-So-Shut-The-Fuck-Up. Of course he would do this in the most polite way possible.

If you are unfortunate to not see the visual cues and continue to rant, you might reach the OMGSTFUGTFOBANKAI status, which means you have pissed off the most patient (pun intended) captain and there is no point saving you.

He'll do this in the most polite way possible.

"Really now? What happened this time?" He asked soothingly. So far, Ukitake's best friend had two hours of rant time, which is a decent amount of time for any ranter, but the only problem was with each glass of sake, the time slips down 10 minutes. Kyouraku downed one: 110 minutes left.

"So I was just sitting in my office, doing paperwork, Nanao-chan comes in and slaps me! _Slaps me_! Calls me a pervert and states that I make the worst confession letters in the world, shoving the paper in my mouth! _In my mouth_! She storms off threatening resignation and sexual harassment…"

"Doesn't she do this to you monthly?"

"Yes!" Swig. Gulp. 99 Minutes. "But the thing is: I didn't write her anything this month! I was being good! I was writing up the monthly budget, doing the math myself, giving her a break and I get whiplashed for a confessional I didn't even write…" He rustled in his pockets, taking out the confessional letter in question, handing it to Ukitake.

"This isn't addressed to Ise-san," he said, squinting at the smudged writing, "The writing is smudged, and one would think it was for Ise-san, but if you look closer, it's for Unohana-san."

"Eh? Really?" He grabbed it back, squinting intensely, "Huh, the messenger must've got it wrong…Yippee! I can explain to her that it was A Mistake!"

Ukitake grabbed it back again, opening it and reading it aloud, "'_You are beautiful. Seriously beautiful. I like you a lot. Go out with me. Please? K._' Ise-san thought this was from you? It's not your style…you compare her to flowers a lot…"

"I could write like that if I was _really_ drunk…which, I admit, I find myself in that situation frequently. But who signs themselves as K? There's a lot of people with the initial 'K': Kaname, Komamura, Kenpachi, Kira, Kotetsu, Kuchiki…Kurotsuchi…"

"Can we not go there?" Ukitake suppressed a small shudder.

"Wasn't planning to."

There was a knock at the door. Ukitake subconsciously hid the confession note in his pocket and opened the door, revealing Unohana. A rather weary-looking Unohana.

"Can I come in?" She asked subdued.

"Of course, you're always welcome in here." Ukitake motioned. Unohana, their sempai and equal best-friend, sat down gracefully in a spare chair. She gazed at the sake on the table.

"May I have a drink too?" The two male captains glanced wordlessly at each other, highly alarmed. This meant one thing: she was not happy and therefore the universe wasn't right. Ukitake poured her a small glass, hoping that the vintage wasn't too strong. Likely, considering it was Shunsui's.

"What's the matter?" Ukitake asked. Unohana's Rant Quotient was ten hours, which was almost impossible to reach by any normal person; yet, if alcohol is added to the ordeal, the quotient doubles with each drink…mainly because she has something _worthwhile_ to rant about and it all comes out with the drink. Warrior Doctor trumps Tuberculosis any day.

"I had a fight with Zaraki-san today," She sighed, taking a sip, "over the weirdest thing too. He comes into my office, polite as I have ever seen him and asks me if I had got the letter and wanted an answer," Ukitake and Shunsui bit the inner side of their cheeks, trying _very hard_ not to look at each other, "The letter he had sent me -well _Yachiru_ had sent me- was, I was _pretty_ certain was a joke letter requesting if she could use my division members as ammunition for a catapult she had just made. I just laughed and said 'no, definitely not'…and then he looks at me a little hurt. Did he _actually_ think I would excuse that? And then I asked him, 'What? Were you serious? I thought that letter was a joke,' and then he gets _angry,_ 'It wasn't a bloody joke' he yells, 'I was being serious!' I was absolutely disgusted, I never thought that he viewed my division so lowly that he would use my subordinates as cannon-fodder…" She drained her glass.

"More?" Kyouraku asked, offering the jug. Ukitake was about to stop him, but she grabbed the jug and poured it herself.

"By this stage, he was livid. I have never seen him in that state before. I've seen him get annoyed at his division, but never this angry. And he's a scary angry too, not the hot screaming type, but it was cold, quiet. This only made me angrier; 'I thought…' he said and I just cut in 'You thought what? I'd give you everything you wanted?' and I _slapped_ him. It didn't do much, just gave him a handprint on his cheek. He stood there for three seconds, just staring and then said 'I thought you were different'. 'Leave', I said and he did. He closed the door so hard things fell off the walls…he's a pig. A monster."

"I think you have the wrong idea…" Kyouraku began.

"No. I don't." She drained her second glass of sake. And she passed out. Unohana's intolerance for alcohol was legendary.

"Oh dear." Ukitake uttered totally shocked.

"Indeed." Kyouraku sniffed, taking a large swig from the sake jug.

He heard a knock at the door, "Ukitake, you in?" It was Kenpachi. The two still conscious captains looked hurriedly at Unohana and the door. They didn't want a repeat of what had been described and Ukitake pointed to a closet, where Kyouraku picked up the unconscious woman and stuffed her inside.

"Come in." Ukitake chimed pleasantly. Kenpachi entered; he was haggard with a face that had been staring at a wall (and repetitively banging against it) for a few hours.

"Oh, hi, Kyouraku-taichou," he waved unenthusiastically, dropping by the pair like a sack of wet rice.

"What's the matter?" Obviously, he didn't need to know and automatically filled a new glass of sake for the eyepatched man. Kenpachi's Rant Quotient was unknown because he very rarely ranted. He was a man of little words and so his rants tended to be reasonably short.

"I got rejected. By a girl." He slumped.

"Oh?"

"She's really nice, well…I thought she was." His head drooped

"Oh?"

"I sent her a note asking her out and telling her she was beautiful." He tilted forward.

"Oh."

"She laughed at me. She thought it was a joke." His forehead nearly touched the middle of the table.

"Oh."

"When I told her it wasn't, she looked at me disgusted, got angry and slapped me." He banged his forehead lightly on the table.

"_Oh._"

"I."

BANG.

"Feel."

BANG.

"_So_."

BANG.

"_**Stupid**_."

BANG.

Kenpachi's head rested on the table for a second before lifting up in a twinkle of bells, "I don't think I can forgive her now. That cut me real bad, y'know?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Well, thanks for that. Get better soon, you're beginning to bleed." He said. Ukitake dabbed at his lips in surprise. So it seems Kenpachi's Rant Quotient was twenty minutes, cutting five minutes off every time he hit something.

"Come again soon." Ukitake said as Kenpachi left. Ukitake slumped into his chair, exhausted. He had reached his limit.

"Should we tell Sempai?" Kyouraku asked. Ukitake unfolded the note and read it again. He shook his head.

"I think the damage has already been done."

"Oh dear…" he sighed, wrapping around his pink kimono tightly, "Now where was I about Nanao-chan…"

"No, don't start." Ukitake warned, "you've been drinking this whole time."

"But...b-but-but she..."

Ukitake smiled weakly, a steady stream of blood dribbled down his chin. Quotient reached.

* * *

Apparently Aizen's monologue rant had a very high threshold.

And Yasochika Imuera only has a second before the blood waterfall starts.


	66. Halloween

Oh wow, I've always wanted to write a piece on a holiday, when a holiday actually happens! Okay, so maybe I'm a little early for Halloween, but I have exams. Again. It seems you guys respond more to crack, so I've made another cracky piece before I start getting serious again. There might be more stories up by the end of the year, if I'm not doing exams, art projects, NanoWriMo or TvTropes sucking in my life...I'd love to be on TV Tropes.

I have a poll! Choose your favourite chapters (up to six of them!)

**

* * *

Halloween**

Nobody loved Halloween as much as Yachiru. In fact, she was the primary reason why such a foreign holiday was celebrated in Soul Society. Of course, she celebrated most holidays that she considered 'fun', including La Tomatina and the Indian Holi…well anything that could be celebrated by throwing or eating things…even if nobody else did.

Kenpachi and Yumichika, surprisingly, enjoyed it almost as much as she did. For Yumichika, it was the appeal of dressing up and for Kenpachi it was the 'tricking' part. Ikkaku initially didn't want to have any part of it, mainly because Yumichika made him dress up into a matching costume of Yumichika's; but this year, Renji was being used as his costume counterpart, leaving him to dress up however he wanted. This year he was going dressed up as Krillin from Dragonball Z.

"So? Whaddya reckon?" Ikkaku asked, showing himself off to Sailor Pink Angel Ballerina Fairy Kitten Princess Yachiru, pulling at his orange costume. Actually it was recycled from a previous Halloween, in which Yumichika decided to go as Android 17 and naturally Ikkaku had to go with something similar.

"Not bad, Pachinko; bald characters really suit you." She giggled.

"I'm not…gragh!" He sputtered, changing the subject "What's up with your costume? It's…uh, pink."

"I couldn't decide on one, so I dressed up in all of them. I'm not done dressing yet though." She picked up a box of pink glitter and began pouring it on herself, "There, I'm done."

"Aw man, that shit gets everywhere." Groaning, he knocked on Kenpachi's door, "Taicho! Nearly ready?"

"Yeah, give me a second." He said from his room. After a couple of seconds the large captain opened the door, revealing his…revealing costume.

"Whoa…taicho…isn't that-" Ikkaku gaped.

"The Predator? Ain't it awesome?" He waved about his hand blades and skull-and-spine prop.

"Ken-chan…ummm, it's very cool, but aren't you in a fish-net body stocking?" She pointed. Kenpachi looked down for a second and realized, yes, there was something rather fish-netty about the parts not covered by the steel and leather…steel and leather speedos. He clearly hadn't thought this through; he was pretty much a walking fetish now.

He shrugged, "Che, nobody's gonna notice once I put on the mask." He held up the limp latex mask of dreadlocks and bisected mandibles. Both Ikkaku and Yachiru involuntarily took a step back from the vile looking thing.

"Yumi's gonna have a meltdown if he sees that; remember when he watched the movie? He screwed his eyes shut and wouldn't open them for a week once its face was revealed."

"I'll keep the mask off then," He jammed the metal helmet on his head, "You're lucky you weren't dragged into matching costumes again this year. I saw what Yumichika was planning."

"Renji owes Fruit-cake penance." Yachiru added, twirling around and spreading pink glitter everywhere.

"The hair-brush thing? He's gotta let that go." Ikkaku shook his head. There was a quiet commotion outside the door, some hushed pleading and some equally hushed remarks. Then there was a loud bang as the sliding door to the office revealed two figures.

"To protect the world from devastation…" Renji was unrecognizable: he was dressed in a white top with a big red 'R' embroidered on it and matching mini-skirt; elbow length black gloves; exposed midriff; his hair teased into a red arc behind him, green earrings and so much makeup, his tattoos had disappeared.

"_To unite all peoples within our nation~"_ Yumichika sang, his costume almost identical, save for the fact he was wearing trousers and his leather boots not so tall. And he was clearly enjoying it, unlike Renji.

"To denounce the evils of truth and – STOP LAUGHING AT ME YOU FUCKERS!" Renji screamed at the trio, who by this stage realized who they were and were rolling on the floor crying with laughter.

"Damn it, Abarai! I told you we had to go through the whole song!" Yumichika snapped at his comrade, "We're completing the song at the party."

"Awesome idea! Then I can go kill myself!" Renji replied with cheer so sarcastic, it was corroding away at his hair gel. The party in question was being held at Byakuya Kuchiki's mansion, mainly because Yachiru had pestered him since January to agree; the noble would even be dressing up.

"Don't worry, Jessie-chan!" Yachiru piped up and ignoring Renji's scathing glare, "I made sure Rukia dressed up as a bunny, so you won't be the only one feeling silly."

"What do you mean by that? She wouldn't feel silly in a bunny suit; Rukia loves bunnies."

"She's a bunny. A Playboy bunny."

"We're going."

………

The mansion was themed appropriately for the Halloween party, though the mistletoe was a little out of place and everyone gave it a wide berth. Byakuya greeted them at the door dressed as a vampire and handed Yachiru enough candy to occupy her for the next couple of hours; which was quite a lot.

"Thank you, Byakushi!" She jumped up and threw her arms around the noble before sprinting off into the crowd, leaving behind copious amounts of glitter on Byakuya.

"Hey Kuchiki, you're all sparkly." Kenpachi smirked behind his predator mask, "Better get that shit off or you'll lose all respect as a vampire."

"I don't care if I sparkle, Zaraki," Byakuya brushed off some glitter from his sleeve, "With the amount she has on her, everyone will be sparkling by the end of the night." He turned to the rest of the group and blinked twice at Renji, before allowing them in.

Ikkaku made a beeline for the non-alcoholic punch, watching out the corner of his eye as Renji and Yumichika performed the Team Rocket song in full in front of a highly appreciative audience. He took a swig of the fruity stuff and decided that Kyoraku had already spiked to the point that it was evaporating. He saw a sliver platter in the middle of the table still covered by a dome, and peeked underneath to see what was inside.

"Boo." Kurotsuchi's head said gleefully, causing Ikkaku slam the silver dome back down.

"K-K-Kurotsuchi-taicho! You nearly scared the crap out of me!" He lifted the lid again, revealing Mayuri looking very annoyed.

"That's what this is meant to do, you imbecile." The scientist snarled.

"It looks so real, it's like your head is really…severed." Ikkaku frowned for a moment and lifted the white table cloth, expecting to see the rest of Kurotsuchi's body under there. It wasn't.

"I see you've noticed I have been removed from the rest of my body. It's a little experiment that I'm doing, but I'll be dissolving in a few hours until the effect wears off." Mayuri said somewhat proudly.

"Where's your body?" Ikkaku looked around, expecting to find a headless body staggering around.

"With Nemu, studying the effects of being separated."

"How can you talk?"

"I…don't know yet. But that's what I'm trying to study."

Ikkaku grinned, picking up the head, "Y'know. I haven't forgotten."

"Huh?"

"And now you have no arms."

"Where are you taking me?" Mayuri asked just before Ikkaku stuffed a roll of crusty bread in his mouth, effectively shutting him up.

"I'm taking you for a swim." He chuckled, opening the doors to a new room. Kurotsuchi, suddenly realizing where he was, began to struggle in the only way a decapitated head could: weakly.

"KameHAME**HAAAAAA**!!" _Flush._

Nearby, Yumichika perked up, suddenly feeling very happy, "I don't know why, but I'm feeling very happy right now."

"S'because of the punch." Matsumoto slurred, pulling up the stocking of her nurses outfit. Toushirou, sitting next to her in a doctor's coat, mumbled something incoherent as he sucked on a twisty straw connected to a glass of punch.

"Yesh, the _non-_alcoholic punsch." Kira agreed, slightly red-faced in his nun's habit. No one had the heart to tell him he was in women's clothing, and Gin thought it was absolutely _hilarious_ and dressed up as the Pope just to make the situation even funnier. Of course Gin had lost the Pope hat to Yachiru in exchange for a glittery pink tiara and was now trying to trade it for Shuuhei's cowboy hat.

"Y'know what?" Iba said, his eyes a little off focus, and looking very ferocious as a Viking.

"What?" Matsumoto asked.

"Y'know…y'know we're shinigami, right?"

"Right."

"That means we're ghosts, right?"

"Right."

"That means we should be hauntin' shit, right?"

"Right."

"That means we should go haunt shit now. We're neglecting our Halloweeny duties."

"Hell yes!" Kira and Shuuhei toasted to Iba, handing him the Pope hat, "Hail to the Pope!"

The effect of the punch was having effects in other parts of the party too. Mummy Ukitake was giggling madly every time he glanced over in Kyouraku's direction, who had decided to dress up as Soifon. Soifon the Catwoman, wasn't very pleased with this, telling him if he didn't stop sticking butterfly stickers all over people, she would only put two on him.

Kenpachi was in a heated discussion with Superman Aizen about whether or not he could take on the real superman, when he noticed Unohana. She was dressed as a western princess of some sort, but was standing under the mistletoe. He didn't know what mistletoe was used for, but he knew he had to do something. In two steps, he had swept her over his shoulder.

"The predator has found his prey." He grinned.

"Kenpachi-san, I advise you let go of me." She smiled darkly at Kenpachi.

"Or what? I don't get my 'treat'?"

"No, you'll get a 'trick' instead."

………

………

Kenpachi couldn't quite remember what happened after that. He had woken up the next morning curled up outside his headquarters. Judging by the throbbing headache, he either had too much non-alcoholic punch or he had punch of a fisty-type. And somehow, he was wearing the Pope hat.

Groggily, he marched towards his office where he met up with Byakuya, holding Yachiru semi-conscious in his arms. Yachiru was groaning slightly, her stomach so distended, it looked like she had swallowed a basketball. And she had changed costume completely: Yachiru was in a small doctor's coat and superman cape, which meant that Toushirou or Aizen were running around either in a pink fairy tutu or naked.

"Ken-chan…I'm dying…" She moaned before slipping into a diabetic coma.

"No more candy for you," He said, clutching his head, "What happened last night?"

"That's why I'm here to speak with you." Byakuya sparkled.

"Che, okay, what do I need to pay for?" Kenpachi sparkled. The damn glitter got everywhere.

"There is no need to pay for everything. Whatever that was broken was far too expensive for any commoner to pay for. I have come to inform you that Third Seat Madarame is currently being experimented on as we speak; Fifth Seat Ayasegawa was found trying to capture Captain Ichimaru with something called a pokeball, claiming he had found a 'Ninetails' or something."

"Che, that'll be right." He grinned.

"I found Sixth Seat Abarai 'haunting' my sister's room. I have dealt with him accordingly. We also found Seventh Seat Iba collapsed in an alleyway not far from here. Apparently earlier, he was parading around as the Viking head of the Catholic Church, beating people until they drank to worship him," Byakuya glanced up at the Pope hat on Kenpachi's head, "Though it seems his title went to a bigger barbarian."

"Is that all?"

"Not quite. I must request that we never do this again under any circumstance and to please tell Kusajishi to lay off the glitter…I'm finding it in places I thought it wasn't possible to find."

"Fine."

"Oh, and another thing. Captain Unohana would like her bra back."

"Ha ha. No."

* * *

The Pope thing was real. My friend once dressed up as the Pope, went around town amazingly drunk, got people to worship him and was found curled up sleeping in an alley somewhere. Some strangers to this day, randomly point at him, laugh and say "Hey! That's the Pope!"


	67. Thirst

A non-crack piece. I've had this idea and document in my computer for a while, but I'd never finished it until now. If you get a little sqeamish about blood, I suggest you skip the third story break.

* * *

**Thirst**

Water is the most basic ingredient to life after air. We can go for several weeks without any food, but if we go without water for longer than three days, we experience a severe case of death. In the spirit realm, food is not essential and water is the most basic form of nutrition, and even then a spirit can last longer than a month without water. Of course those with higher spiritual powers require something a little more substantial than just water, but we're speaking on general terms here.

Summer of 1870 was the first year of a ten-year drought in Soul Society. At first no one noticed: there were still springs, the rivers were flowing and the lakes were full, there were only a couple of failed crops reported. In the second year, it did not snow that winter, which was well received by many; but when it didn't rain in the spring, people became concerned. In the third year, there was no rain at all, but there were still rivers, lakes and springs to choose from. In the fourth year, it didn't snow and it only rained a handful of times that year, and it was the first year to result in a massive rice crop failure. People started to ration, and during the sixth and seventh years, it rained just enough to get people through. By the eighth year, it no longer snowed or rained and the river ran dry. In the ninth year, all the crops had turned to dust and the lakes were muddy pits. In the tenth year, the springs ran out of water, there was no food and the people were becoming desperate…

………

The summer heat blanketed Soul Society; unneeded and unwanted. Heat devils twisted shimmering mirages on the hot, baked earth. No one was outside, preferring to stay in the shade to preserve what little energy they had.

In Seireitei, a young noble boy sat in the doorway, trying to catch the breeze. His stomach rumbled, but nobody had announced dinner. In fact, he couldn't smell any cooking; surely no one had forgotten about dinner? Getting up, he went to look for his grandfather.

He found him in the study, kneeling over some calligraphy.

"Ne, O-jii-sama, how come no one has called for dinner yet?" He asked; his voice sounded so small in the large room.

"Dinner…won't be served tonight, Byakuya-chan." Ginrei Kuchiki paused over his inkpot, before continuing with his art.

"Eh? But I'm hungry!" Byakuya protested. Never in his life has he not had dinner everyday.

"Then slake your hunger with water, for that it all we have at the moment."

"But water is a peasant's dish!"

"Would you rather have nothing?" Ginrei turned to look at his young grandson. The boy looked mortified by the fact he was being threatened by this. He needs to learn that not even nobles are immune to hunger. Byakuya then bowed in obedience and ran off to find the nearest servant.

Not long after that, he held a cup of water in one hand and was sitting sulking under a tree. The tree had not grown any leaves that year so it did not provide him with much shade, but this was his favourite sulking spot, at the edge of the property and far from the main house.

He was about to take a sip of his water when he heard a muffled sob. Looking around, he couldn't find anyone, but guessed it was probably coming from the other side of the estate's wall. He scrambled up the tree to have a look, not normally so curious. He found that the source of the sound was coming from a small figure hunched beside the wall.

"Why are you crying?" Byakuya asked. The small figure jumped, revealing herself to be a young girl with dark hair and wide violet eyes. She was incredibly thin, her arms like matchsticks and cheekbones prominent in her heart-shaped face.

"I-I'm not crying." She lied, rubbing her puffy eyes. Byakuya could see no tears on her face, but shrugged.

"Wow! You're so skinny. Don't you eat?" He asked.

"I'm hungry." She stated simply.

"Me too, I haven't had anything since breakfast."

"I haven't had anything for two weeks. I'm so thirsty…" The girl couldn't stand up for much longer and collapsed with her head in her hands against the wall. Byakuya frowned. Hadn't anyone cooked her something?

"…I have water if you want some. I don't need all of it." He said. The girl looked up, her eyes brightened with joy, "Stay there! I'll get you some!"

"I'm not going anywhere…even if I wanted to." She whispered the last part as Byakuya's head disappeared over the wall. He came back with a pot of water and a rope. Tying the rope to the tree branch, he scaled down the wall, clutching the pot tightly. He landed next to girl and handed her the pot.

"Thank you," she whispered gratefully and began chugging down the water, making sure no water spilled. Byakuya looked at her curiously; he had never seen a girl drink like that before looking quite so happy. She had finished quickly, licking her dry, cracked lips, "I have no idea how I can repay you…you've saved my life."

"Huh, really? I didn't know you were that thirsty. My name's Byakuya Kuchiki, what's yours?" He bowed.

She bowed back, "My name's Hisana, pleased to meet you."

………

The streets of Rukongai were filled with the stench of death. In the outer regions of Zaraki and Kusajishi, there were piles of bodies hunched together in houses as people gave into starvation. Whatever that was edible had already been picked clean by the starving masses and some of the bodies had evidence of cannibalism on them.

Kenpachi wouldn't stoop to such a low level, but he was getting desperate. He could barely lift his body off the floor of the small house, let alone try to attend to Yachiru. She rested in a small cot, listless and unmoving. She had not been lucid for several days now, and he suspected that she was on her last night. He brushed his hand over her cheek and under her nose to see if she was still breathing.

Thankfully she was and he put his hand back down on his chest; he could feel every rib, every tendon under his thin skin. He imagined he could feel every little blood vessel under his fingertips he was that emaciated.

Outside the sky was turning grey, but that was no reason to hope. The sky had been turning grey as if threatening rain for the last few years, but the rain never came. The ones who had hope were the ones who died first. But Kenpachi could wish a little.

He never thought in his miserable existence that he'd wish for water instead of a fight. He never thought he would wish for rain to wash the smell of death away. But he will fight this like he fought with everything in his life, even if that meant shedding some blood.

Shakily he lifted himself off the floor and stood beside Yachiru. She had lasted a long time for such a small child, most children of her age out had either died or searching for the next water source, but there was no hope of finding anything now.

"Yachiru? You awake?" he rasped. She didn't respond, only the movements of her eyes told him she was sleeping. Her skin was thin and stretched across her skull and her head looked too big for her body. He didn't know if his plan would work, but it might, and that's all he needed.

He grabbed his zanpakutou and sliced his wrist under the thumb joint. Immediately the blood welled up, but not enough for him to bleed out completely. He held his wrist above Yachiru's mouth, letting it spill a little on her lips; unconsciously she licked her lips, ingesting the blood; a little colour sprang back to her face as she did so.

_Take it, take it all. I don't care, just as long as you wake up._

He was getting dizzy, but had only shed barely more than a few drops of blood, but it paid off. Her eyelids fluttered open and her eyes focused on him, "Ken-chan…" her voice was barely audible, "my mouth tastes funny…"

Taking his hand away and placing a bony thumb over the cut, "You've had a long sleep, that's why."

"Ken-chan…am I going to die?"

"Not today."

………

The clouds were gathering, blocking out the heat of the sun. There was a group of people struggling over a small hill, trying to find the next oasis. They had been moderately successful in the past, but the last few weeks had decimated the crowd.

There were only a few children left, Yumichika noted, but no elders or the weak. They had died early on in the journey. Ikkaku and Yumichika had survived the best they could; harvesting morning dew with dirty rags, but even that wasn't enough. Yumichika shrugged the tiny blonde girl he was carrying higher on his back and waited for Ikkaku, who was carrying her silver-haired companion. He didn't know their names, but they found them on the side of the road, huddled together after having given up due to exhaustion.

He didn't blame them; they were both at their limit and his legs were threatening to collapse at any point.

"Nearly there," he smiled weakly at the girl and he walked unsteadily up the hill. They had reached the summit and he was heartbroken at what he saw: what ever the main group had found was now a muddy pit of weeds and bracken. What water that was available was gone.

Ikkaku staggered up beside him, his eyes flickered with despair; his hopes had been riding with this last trip.

"You can…put us down now, Oji-san." The girl said, "We have burdened you long enough." Yumichika nodded and they put the children down, "thank you." She bowed and held her friend's hand, walking off together.

"Ran-chan," the boy said after several metres, slowing to a stop and sitting down, "I can't walk anymore."

"Okay, Gin, we'll just sit here then." She sat down beside him watching as the two men who had help them stagger away, propping the other up.

"I have…somethin', somethin' I've kept for a while," he reached into his loose yukata and pulled out a little leaf parcel; wrapped inside the leaf were two dry persimmon pieces, "I thought, if we're gonna die, we might as well have somethin' sweet to have…"

"Gin…"

"Have some." He offered. She took one and placed it on her tongue.

"Thank you." Her mouth was too dry to enjoy it properly, but she thought it was the most heavenly thing she had ever tasted. She wrapped her arms around Gin, and lying in the dust, they waited to die.

Ikkaku and Yumichika had walked a long way before Ikkaku slipped and fell on the rocky earth.

"I can't," he said as Yumichika went to his side, "I can't go on any further. My body just won't respond."

"You _can_. You can't give up now." He tried pulling Ikkaku's arm to hoist him up, but the bald man remained limp.

"I'm not giving up…I just _can't_." Ikkaku rasped, his voice tight with frustration. Yumichika stopped trying to pull him up and instead lay down beside him.

"Well, I'm not going anywhere; not without you," he said feebly, his own strength leaving him, "Even if that means lying down in the dust like an ugly beetle."

"What a heroic sacrifice," Ikkaku mocked gently, before his face softened, "But don't stay for my sake. My luck's run out me."

"Don't be stupid…besides, now that I'm lying down…I don't think I can get back up…" Yumichika sighed. The wind was beginning to pick up, cool and fresh.

"I'm so tired…

_Plit_

"I'm so…angry and…tired of all this…I just want to cry, but I don't think I can."

_Plit Pit_

"You are crying…look a tear." He pointed at Yumichika's face where a single water drop rolled down his cheek. Yumichika wiped at it in surprise.

"That's not a tear of mine."

_Plip pip plip_

Now Ikkaku could feel it on his head: rain.

As if the dams of heaven had broken, water came down with such a force that Yumichika felt flattened against its power. The earth itself seemed to sigh with relief as ten years of dust was washed away.

At that moment a poor girl started to dance with joy with a nobleman's son, water splashing at their feet. A man with a small child staggered outside into the rain and just stood there with his eyes closed, the rain washing away dust, blood and fear. Two children that had huddled together to die were now opening their mouths to the rain, the taste of fruit still sweet in their mouths. And two young men, exhausted and bewildered still lay on the ground as puddles formed around them.

"My luck hadn't run out!" Ikkaku laughed out loud and clear with an energy he hadn't felt in months. Yumichika laughed along too until he found himself really crying again, this time with his own happy tears.

* * *

When I was young, my friend from Africa would tell me about why he didn't moan about the rain in New Zealand. His family lived in a drought for several years and almost reduced to these levels, then the rains came and they would laugh and dance they were so happy. When I moved to Australia, while it still rained a little, there was (and still is) a severe drought going on there. Places that were once fertile fields are now just red dirt. If there is a large downpour, people will stop to watch. There's even some children in some parts who have never heard rain. Rain is good.


	68. Books

Hi guys, I know it's been a while. There's been a variety of reasons for my lack of updates, the main reason is that I am getting really quite frustrated with Bleach in general. The last three years have been pretty much one day of just fighting, not much storyline and a hell of a lot of ass-pulls. Also, not much 11th Division.

In other news, I'll be graduating, moving cities, getting a full-time job and life moves on. Don't worry, I'll get around to finishing this (even if it kills me).

* * *

**Books**

Kenpachi owns exactly five books, which in his opinion, was way too much. Of five of those, only one was what he bought for himself and by that it meant he bought it for Yachiru. It was a big book of fairy tales with big pictures that they could both enjoy; they both particularly liked ghost stories, laughing at all the inaccuracies that came from being a ghost yourself.

The first book he had ever received was a massive book of anatomy from Kurostuchi of all people; he found it somewhat endearing that they both enjoyed chopping people up and Kurotsuchi wanted Kenpachi at least to know the parts he cut off in battle. While Kenpachi hated Kurotsuchi's guts (_intestines_ he added) he did like the gift. Kenpachi didn't, however, learn much anatomy, but he did find out that the funny bone was also called the humerus. And he found that humorous.

The third book on his shelf was a dictionary from Kuchiki. This was given to him after Kenpachi called him a psychopomp by way of insult. It also suggested that he was an uneducated commoner. With the dictionary's help, Kenpachi wrote him a surprisingly eloquent letter reminding Byakuya that it didn't matter what the word meant, he was still a fuckin' psychopomp.

The fourth book was also from Byakuya, after discovering that Kenpachi did indeed know more kanji than he initially thought, gave him Sun Tzu's "The Art of War". This was indeed a lot more interesting than a dictionary, but not by much. He already knew "If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him" or as he knew it "Piss him off if it'll get a reaction", and "If his forces are united, separate them" or "If his limbs are still on, separate them". He did learn to "appear when least expected" from time to time, which lead to a surprised Ikkaku to a pissed off Ikkaku to a very nearly separated Ikkaku.

The last book on his shelf isn't really a book and more like a photo album. Kenpachi very rarely took any photos, but he accumulated over the years and he'd lived many years. Unohana and Yachiru had made it for him as a kind of birthday present and even though he didn't take with such 'sappy, sentimental crap' he kept it and found himself looking at it from time to time.

The very first photo was of Kenpachi and Yachiru from back in Rukongai and they paid to see what this new-fangled photography thing was. The result was the pair of them in a pseudo Madonna and Child seating arrangement because Kenpachi had to hold Yachiru still and yet it ended up with him blinking when the shot was taken. The photo itself was crumpled and stained and rough around the edges and was laminated just so it would fall apart.

The rest of the photos were a collection of the Division's formal group shots; informal group gatherings (party photos); Yachiru eating improbable amounts of food; some dramatic fighting shots of Kenpachi by Yachiru; a fair amount of photos of Yumichika (Kenpachi got the feeling that Yumichika rather liked being in the photo rather than the one taking it); some rather flattering shots of various members by Yumichika (particularly of Ikkaku); Yachiru's first kiss; a ridiculously cute shot of Yachiru asleep in Kenpachi's arms; and Kenpachi's favourite: a ride shot of them at Splash Mountain™ on their trip to Tokyo Disneyland™.

Kenpachi, Yachiru, Yumichika and Ikkaku had agreed before to look completely bored during the shot on the way down. It worked; and as a bonus, the two American girls behind them flashed the camera. It very nearly came close to making Mickey Mouse™ a hostage in order to get that photo, but you don't keep from 11th Division what they want. _Especially_ if Kenpachi is wearing a Grumpy™ t-shirt.

All-in-all, Kenpachi decided that he liked picture books the best.

* * *

By the way a psychopomp is the name given to a deity who brings the souls to the afterlife. A shinigami/death god/grim reaper in other words.


	69. Test

Welp, I've moved up to Auckland and now I have no internet, no money and no job and I'm tearing my hair out at what the hell to do. This was either the smartest or dumbest decision I've followed through with my life. I'm at a dirty internet cafe uploading this because I am an internet junkie and need to get my hit before I get the shakes.

* * *

**Test**

He wasn't quite sure what woke him up, but now that Kenpachi was awake, he was annoyed. He sniffed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands, arching his back and making several small pops as he did so. He glanced out the partially open window; it was late enough to be called early. Too early. Quietly, Kenpachi listened to what woke him. The absence of sound. Surely outside there was the soft sigh of the wind and the noise of a hundred men snoring in their barracks after an intense training day, but there was a small pocket of silence that moved around that seemed louder than any other noises.

Kenpachi slipped out of bed, gently nudging Yachiru to the side. As he moved, that pocket of loud silence seemed to shiver to attention. It must be right outside the complex, possibly on the roof. Kenpachi looked up at the roof, where heavy crossbeams were heavily shrouded in shadow. With surprising stealth, he jumped up and lifted himself into these cross beams and out of sight without making a sound.

He'd learned to be quiet during his time in Rukongai; it paid to know when to be sneaky. Yachiru was a natural at it; despite being pink, loud and hyperactive, she could melt into the background and disappear. He guessed she used the same principle as a tiger: a great big orange striped thing was a master at hiding in green grass.

Kenpachi on the other hand was a lot harder to hide. Since he had no control over his riatsu, it was like painting a big target saying 'Here Is Kenpachi'; but if he spread his riatsu a little further, the place could be so saturated with 'Here Is Kenpachi', it was much harder to find him. Kurotsuchi compared him once to an electron circling an atom, or some quantum shit like that. Kyoraku used a better analogy; the Teenage Theory: You Know Where He Is, But Don't Know What He's Doing or You Know What He's Doing, But Don't Know Where He Is.

He'd hidden up in the eaves none too soon because what ever was sneaking around outside had come up to the window and was slipping through. Kenpachi was impressed at the size of the man that had got through without making so much as a peep. He looked like someone from the 2nd Division; but his large frame was already turning to fat and his hair was receding prematurely, so it could be entirely possible he was an amateur thief.

A very dumb, possibly suicidal, thief.

_Whoa, hold it Kenpachi,_ he thought. _Didn't Ikkaku mention something about 2__nd__ Division looking for a new lieutenant? Ah, that's right, it must be The Test_.

Kenpachi had never been targeted for The Test and was grinning at the thought he'd finally been chosen. The Test was a 'secret' test that aspiring 2nd Division members would try to attempt in order to be considered for the role of lieutenant. It involved stealing an item or personal effect off a captain's person without their knowledge. This one has failed simply on the 'without their knowledge' part.

Some of the more famous thefts included Soifon, Yoruichi and one unnamed prospect. When Yoruichi did her Test she had trained herself to turn into a cat solely for that purpose. She had sneaked into the Kuchiki mansion, stole Ginrei Kuchiki's hair noodles from his person in the middle of a party without him noticing. The Kuchiki patriarch was so impressed; he didn't even wear them again, let alone ask for them back.

Soifon was a true sneak, having managed to get into 12th Division's security, the guards, poison gas to steal Kurotsuchi's nose. It was legendary, brilliant and what made it more amazing was that Kurotsuchi never slept and yet never noticed his nose was stolen off his face until Soifon was long gone. Occasionally, just to infuriate him, Soifon would pinch his nose and say 'honk'.

Of course, not all those who chose to take The Test succeeded. Some poor soul had thought stealing Yamamoto's zanpakutou (if only temporarily) was a smart idea. Unbeknown to him, Ryujin Jakka was automatically programmed to go up in smoke if stolen and the unfortunate man was left as an ash shadow on the wall. Needless to say, stealing zanpakutou was unofficially against the rules.

The improbable ninja was searching for something, not bothering to even look up. He was dressed fully in dark blue, which was sensible if he was stalking the night; no shadow was truly black. But he was fully ignoring Yachiru still sleeping in the futon, rifling through drawers. That was a dangerous decision; if Yachiru decided to wake up, that young man would be needing intensive care in a second. In fact, everything this guy was doing was dangerous and incredibly stupid.

First of all, he should at _least_ check that his target was in the room. If he was going to target Kenpachi, he should know who he was up against; you did _not_ want to meet him in the dark. And! And he was cheating! He was looking for things that could've been on Kenpachi's person rather than doing it by the book…not that there really were rules or anything. If he had the audacity to target Kenpachi, he might as well do it right.

Whatever he was looking for to replace as a trophy, he couldn't find it. Perhaps because Kenpachi was wearing his eye patch and he'd discarded his bells earlier that night. The only thing that could possibly be recognized as Kenpachi's that he didn't have on his person was his sword, his cloak and…Yachiru

Both men seemed to reach the same conclusion at the same time, their eyes drifting to the sleeping girl on the futon. Yachiru was sleeping the sleep of the dead; she would when she was in the same room as Kenpachi and it was only Kenpachi's riatsu that kept her from waking.

He wouldn't.

Would he?

Kenpachi could see the cogs and wheels spinning in that guy's mind, and yet his decision still took him by surprise.

He _did_.

The man turned and grabbed Kenpachi's gi from the floor and draped it over his shoulders. He was about the same height and just as broad. He grabbed Yachiru gently and lifted her onto his shoulders. Yachiru half-asleep and groggy couldn't tell the difference between the two backs and automatically latched on to the shirt with a vice like grip. Kenpachi knew the kid would hold on even in her sleep. He was just stunned by the sheer audacity of it all.

This guy was stupid, ambitious or brilliant. Possibly all three; but with a definite super-large helping of stupid.

The man was grinning, having apparently hit the jackpot. He slipped out the way he came, his prize on his back. Kenpachi slipped after him, sword in hand and wearing very little else.

The ninja doofus shunpo'd from rooftop to rooftop almost gleefully. Kenpachi didn't need shunpo, he could leap soundlessly from building to building as silently as a cat when he wanted to and was fast enough to keep up with the kidou trick. The roof tiles were giving him trouble though. Back when he was a feral kid in Rukongai, his feet were tougher than leather and could walk through embers; but after eighty or so years of wearing shoes, his bare feet didn't have the same grip anymore.

Roof tiles clattered from under his feet. The idiot had stopped and turned to the noise. Kenpachi wasn't there any more.

He was behind him.

"Boo." Kenpachi smirked in his ear. There was a distressing smell and Kenpachi decided that whatever colour was in that man's face had now drained out of his body. He had to give this rookie some sympathy; even he would not like being caught kidnapping by a semi-naked, eye-patched madman with a bare sword and an ass-kicking grin on his face. Grins were the best sort of uniform to wear in battle, because you can't spell slaughter without laughter.

"P-Please don't kill me." He whimpered, sinking to the tiles. Kenpachi nudged Yachiru awake and transferred her onto his shoulders. She yawned and hung onto Kenpachi's arm, still unable to work out what was going on.

"You were doin' so _well_. I mean, stealing my kid when I was watchin' the whole time was such a clever idea." This was the first time Kenpachi had used sarcasm in a while and found he was a little crap at it, "I commend you for bein' brilliantly fucking stupid enough to actually try to pull it off. It mighta worked if it wasn't me you targeted, or if you didn't just suck so badly at it."

"Meep."

"Y'know what? I'm gonna let you keep your guts because you have such a problem keeping them in." He prodded delicately at the man's stomach with his sword.

"O-oh thankyousomuch." The man collapsed, kissing Kenpachi's feet.

"What's your name?" He asked, kicking him away.

"O-Omaeda."

"Good. Now, fuck off." Omaeda didn't need to be told twice or even once and disappeared in a blur. Kenpachi looked towards the direction Omaeda had left, snorted in disgust and hoisted Yachiru higher onto his back.

He'd jumped a couple of buildings before he realized something was a bit off. Touching his face he grinned murderously, "Bastard stole my eyepatch."

* * *

Now that Omaeda was saved from the scrappy heap for me, I thought I'd better give him a fanfiction.


	70. Bed

With the Arrancar/Decide arc finally over, I feel like I can actually write some goddamn fiction. Also, some KenUno is in order, even if it's subtle. I apologise for some OOCness. Takes place almost immediately after the Decide arc

* * *

**Bed**

"Excuse me, Zaraki-taicho!" A relief squad pushed by, rushing towards the more injured captains at the end of the corridor. Kenpachi swiftly stepped to the side, letting them pass with a grunt. He wasn't that injured, the fight with Yami had been boring anyway; though Byakuya's arm had been crushed quite badly.

"Ken-chan, I'm gonna see if those two idiots are alright." Yachiru said from his shoulder. Kenpachi shrugged and she skipped away into the bustling throng of the hospital. Kenpachi heard the rumor that Ikkaku got his ass handed to him, but no word on Yumichika yet. He padded towards Unohana's office, not because he wanted to see her, but because no one would go looking for him there. He wanted some serious shut-eye; the whole Aizen ordeal seemed to have lasted years.

He slunk inside the office and closed the door, collapsing on the bed Unohana always had in her office. He pinched the bridge of his nose; did always feel this tired after battle? Bloody hell, he must be getting old. With a sigh, he fell asleep.

…...

…...

He flickered his eyes open to a room that glowed pale green. He turned to Unohana performing kido on his chest.

"You were bleeding on the sheets." She said.

"How...what's the time?" He asked groggily. His vision swam and he tried to blink away the spinning room.

"Seven in the morning. You've been out for about 13 hours. You've lost a lot of blood, Zaraki-san." Unohana turned back to healing him. There was a pause, as if she was going to berate him for not getting help sooner, but years of dealing with Kenpachi's stubbornness had taught her otherwise.

"No shit." He held up his hand, covered in coagulated blood. Well, that explained why the world was moving, "How long have ya been here?"

"Mmm, not long. About half an hour. Just stay still, Zaraki-san, I'm nearly done." Kenpachi did what she said, years of Unohana treating him taught him otherwise. He looked at her, the pale green glow of the kido giving her a sickly mask. Then he realised that Unohana had probably been awake since the previous morning, maybe even earlier. How many people had she attended to today?

There was a loud bang on the door, "Unohana-taicho! Ukitake-taicho has developed serious complications!" Immediately Unohana switched to emergency mode, closing up Kenpachi's wounds with a hot blast of kido energy.

"On my way." She said, ghosting out of the room. Kenpachi sat up, fingers trailing over what were open wounds minutes ago. In the dawn light, he saw that the small cot he'd been sleeping on was soaked in his blood. He stood up shakily, glad no one was watching him nearly stumble, and began stripping the bed of its sheets.

With sheets stuffed in his arms, he marched up the now quiet corridor for a nurse. When he found one, the poor girl stared up at him in terror.

"Stop shitting in your pants kid, I just wanna know where you keep your sheets."

"Oh, um," the nurse stuttered, "I'll show you. Here, give me those dirty ones." She bundled the sheets in her arms and showed him to the linen closet. He grabbed a bunch and quickly left the confused nurse's side. Back in Unohana's office, he made up the cot with the fresh sheets. Hell, it wasn't hospital presentation, but it wasn't bad. Kenpachi sat on a chair, feeling the effects of a low blood level again and waited.

Hours passed.

"Still here?" Unohana smiled. Kenpachi cracked an eyelid open.

"Still conscious?" he retorted, cricking his neck.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" She closed the door behind her.

"Because," he stood up, "you can barely stand." He placed a hand on her shoulder and she seemed to crumble away underneath it. She swayed and Kenpachi caught her before she fell and lifted her onto the bed.

"What are you doing?" She protested weakly, "Did you change the sheets?"

"I figured ya came into the office to sleep before, not to heal me. I'm sorry I bled all over your bed, but seriously. Go. To. Sleep. Retsu." It appeared that she didn't need anymore prompting, as Unohana was out cold by the time her head was on the pillow.

Kenpachi stood up and quietly slipped out the door. Outside, he positioned himself cross-legged and rested against the door, his zanpakutou lying flat on his lap.

It wasn't long before a couple of shinigami messengers arrived at the office door.

"Excuse me, Zaraki-taicho, there is a message for Unohana-taicho."

"Is it urgent?"

"Yes."

"Will the world explode or people die if this message isn't heard immediately?"

"Umm, no?"

"Then it's not urgent. Piss off."

"But!"

"Or would you rather go through me? Believe you me, I ain't slit enough throats today." Kenpachi's eye glinted darkly, his mouth not quite smirk, but not quite snarl. The messenger disappeared very quickly.

Kenpachi smirked to himself, "I'm not a complete ingrate, 'Hana. Sleep well."

* * *

Is it just me, or is Ken-chan becoming more bishie as the series marches on?


	71. Spirit

I am going to declare this one AU as I am speculating just what the hell Komamura is and I doubt we're going to hear it from Kubo any time soon. So I made the logical conclusion and voila, you have another fic to enjoy. Enjoy!

**

* * *

Spirit**

They were big doors. Solid, heavy and made for keeping people out. The only person who had ever come through those doors, apart from Komamura, was Tousen and now that he was gone…there might as well be a wall there now.

Komamura reverted back to his introverted ways straight after the Arrancar war, only venturing into the public on official business and hardly socializing. Hisagi had been a good companion and friend, but even then there was the subject that was Tousen between them…and that was too painful to stand for too long. How did you explain a friendship that was older than Hisagi and the pain of never knowing what parts were based on lies or on truth? 20,000 years was too good for Aizen; it was a shame the hougyoku gave him immortality otherwise Komamura would quite happily pick him apart, cell by cell until he died never knowing the relief of pain. At least Komamura had the satisfaction of knowing that Kurotsuchi had free access to Aizen for study.

But he was lonely. His pack member, Gonta, was a good friend, but not a great conversationalist; him being a dog and all. Maybe he should retire…go back to the mountains where the rest of his family live in isolation…

_Knock Knock Knock_

Both Komamura and Gonta pricked their ears at the sound. No one had ever knocked, not even messengers and Tousen had never needed to. Komamura got up and sniffed at the door.

"Who is it?" He asked.

"It's Yachiru! I've got manju~" She chimed. Komamura stood stunned by the door, "Well? Are ya gonna let me in?" Komamura opened the doors, its hinges squealing in protest. Yachiru skipped in, carrying in a box of store-bought manju cakes and kicked off her shoes with childish grace. Komamura stood there.

"What brings you here?" He asked, perhaps a bit curtly.

Yachiru didn't know what curt meant, she thought it was some kind of short curtsy, "Dunno, I haven't seen you around that's all. And I wanted to ask you some stuff."

"Stuff?" He shut the heavy door, once again squealing and making him twitch at the noise.

"Yeah," Yachiru lay out the various flavors and varieties of manju cakes on the table and helping herself to a _kusa mochi_, "Like, just what the hell are you?"

There was a very loud silence and suddenly Komamura started to laugh, "Kusajishi-"

"Yachiru." She corrected.

"Yachiru, I think you're the first person to actually _ask_ me that."

She stopped chewing, "Seriously? Nobody came to ask you why you have a wolf's head…and ya didn't tell them? Huh, weird."

Komamura sat down opposite Yachiru, now quite thoughtful, "No, I guess everyone just assumed what I was and I left it at that."

"So what are you?"

"An ancient form of nature spirit."

"Oh. Is that all? See, Ken-chan thought your dad had a thing for-"

"Did Zaraki put you up to this?" Komamura interrupted.

"Kinda, sorta, yeah." Yachiru confessed bashfully, "But I think everyone was wondering and it was just real awkward asking you after you revealed yourself…"

"Ah." He nodded and reached for a _daifuku_.

"So how come I've never even heard of you nature spirit guys?"

"I suppose you wouldn't have if you didn't go to the academy. Have you heard of Anubis? Or any of the old gods that humans used to worship? Long before humans were around to properly define the Soul Society, Heaven, Hell and Hueco Mundo, my kind were around to serve as spiritual guardians for what was then just the Netherworld. We were shapeshifters and chose to roam both the real and the spiritual world as we pleased. When humans first came around, suddenly we were the only ones who had to look after such complicated souls, which in some cases, led us to be worshiped as gods. Anubis is one of the most famous of my kind and possibly one of the first Shinigami. But when Hollows appeared on the scene, we were decimated."

"Surely you guys could fight off Hollows?"

"No, not really. Hollows have desire, hate, love…all those human emotions that we animal spirits didn't have at the time. We were no match and for the health of the spiritual world, the humans put as away in isolation and were required to maintain the animal spirits that arrive here in Soul Society."

"Then how come you're a Shinigami?"

"I was the only one who had a zanpakutou. We generally serve as totem spirits for the living, so as a rule we don't have totem spirits ourselves."

"That sorta makes sense, kinda, not really." Yachiru frowned into her third manju cake.

"Well, I did just summarize my race's entire history into the time it took you to eat three - no four – snacks. Some things aren't going to make sense."

"Why do you have a human body if you're an animal spirit?"

"You see, my mother was really quite a fox and my father-" He smirked.

"Oh harr harr. Good to know." Yachiru rolled her eyes, "So I heard you can talk to animals."

"In a way."

"I always thought that each animal had its different language and each language must have loads of different dialects."

"You're not wrong." He helped himself to another manju, feeding half to Gonta.

"Then you must know, like, a bizijillion languages! That's impossible!"

"Magic." He stated.

"That's a bullshit answer and you know it!" She accused, pointing a finger at him and then aimed at the dog Gonta, "And that must be weird, being a dog and owning a dog."

"Do humans occasionally rear chimpanzees as pets? Ape owning ape?"

"But you can talk to him."

"Like one talks to a toddler that knows too many bad words. Hard to explain really."

"Then explain." Yachiru crossed her arms.

"Magic."

"You are such an ass, Koma-koma."

"Wolf," he corrected, "But my uncle on the other had really _is_ an ass-" Komamura stopped to see Yachiru beaming at him, "What?"

Yachiru shook her bright pink head, "Nothing~ By the way, Ken-chan's invited you out to our party later tonight. He reckons you 'should stop being a fuckin' emotional twat and to stop cuttin' yourself and let him do it for a change'. They're using your old basket helmet as a piñata."

"What." He said flatly.

"Iba found your old one a little while back and I thought it'll be fun to stuff candy in it, but we're not using a blindfold so we're just going to get drunk instead and if you don't come, Ken-chan is going to drag you out and finish that fight you started."

"Fine." He sighed, he really couldn't argue.

"Yay! I'm gonna tell Ken-chan!" And she skipped over to the heavy doors and swung them open with ease, "Wait wait, I need to ask you something. Do you have a tail?"

"Yes."

"Can I see it?"

"_No_."

* * *

Of course you can't see his tail, Yachiru, otherwise you'll be looking at his butt.


	72. Miracle

wow, ok I didn't expect Kubo to do such a big timeskip, I hope he doesn't change TOO much, because the one thing I hate is finding a fanfic I built up on one canon piece be disproved in a later manga chapter. So anyway, this chapter was deep down in my folder for quite a while, so I decided to finish it, and for those who follow me on Deviantart, you might recognise (sort-of) Ichirou. Slight IkkakuXNemu

**

* * *

Miracle**

Ikkaku stood above Tokyo, specifically, on the Kaminarimon gate in Asakusa, watching the Sanja Matsuri unfold. He was supposed to be on duty, be he found he rather liked the organized chaos below. It was colorful and _loud_, there must be at least a couple of thousand people crammed into the street that led from the gate up to the temple, watching the portable shrines go by. There were apparently even geisha down there, but even they would not be easily seen in the mass of people.

Ikkaku was human-side for the next month or so, as part of his annual duty as a Shinigami. He relished this month, but despite as much fighting as he could get, it got a little lonely by yourself. The inner districts of Japan's major cities were usually the domain of seated officers, since having a higher population meant a higher amount of Hollows and seated officers _generally_ didn't destroy surrounding buildings as badly as rookies. Yumichika was currently somewhere in Osaka, no doubt enjoying the solitude.

The phone in his pocket began to beep. Cell phones were new to the Shinigami arsenal, but they were quite useful as they could pin-point the exact location of a Hollow instead of using reiatsu which a Hollow could easily deceive. Ikkaku checked the location: the hospital. He clicked his tongue in annoyance; he hated hospital Hollows.

Hollows that targeted hospitals would wait at the bedside of a dying person, ready to snatch and eat the soul as it departed from the body. Sometimes they couldn't wait; ripping the soul away while the body was still alive. Not pretty to witness, especially from a Shinigami's point of view. Ikkaku reached the roof of the multistoried building and began to slip through the walls. A useful trick for a Shinigami, but slipping through insulated walls tended to leave you itchy for hours and glass was a much better option, but Ikkaku didn't have the time. He raced through the wards and dashed into a room crowded with people. The Hollow was there, a small hunched thing with multiple mouths down its chest about to eat something. Ikkaku unsheathed Houzukimaru in midair, driving the blade straight through the skull and out through the neck, it erupted into a billion blue particles of reishi.

Ikkaku rubbed his forehead, he would've liked to fight him for a bit longer, but the space for fighting him was cramped, crowded and not ideal. Besides which, it was about to eat something…what, what was it? He turned around and looked for the soul and finally took notice of what was happening around him. He was in the maternity ward, the intensive care unit, and there were a lot of people sobbing around a little cradle. His heart sunk; this is why he hated hospital Hollows. To a Hollow, the souls of tiny children were like candy: small, sweet and bad for you and the younger the better.

His eyes drifted towards a little shape near to where the Hollow was destroyed.

"Poor thing." He knelt down to pick the tiny baby up. He must have been a very premature baby as he could fit in one of Ikkaku's hands and probably had no chance of surviving anyway if the Hollow hadn't interfered. His tiny, broken soul chain was as fine as a silver necklace and his form was beginning to fade. The souls of babies that cannot survive outside the womb often disintegrated into spirit particles immediately after death, never passing through Soul Society. This one was threatening to fade out, but still he kept breathing.

"It's best if ya let go…" He glanced at the name tag on the cradle holding the baby's body before it was obstructed by a pair of distraught parents, "Ichirou. Life is tough for kids in Soul Society, even ones who know how to walk and talk. Let go 'n' reincarnate into somethin' better."

Yet Ichirou was still gasping and started to cry, a tiny little squeak protesting his removal from existence. Frowning, Ikkaku wrapped Ichirou up in a sleeve and took him outside; might as well let him feel the sun for the first time before he disappears.

Standing on top of the hospital roof, Ichirou still hadn't given up and Ikkaku was beginning to wonder whether he should give him a Soul Burial. If he sent him to Soul Society, most likely he would be abandoned on the streets and would be easily missed by people walking by and it was unfair of him to let such a small child try to survive like that. But he cannot possibly look after him, not when he was Hollow hunting, _especially_ if he was Hollow hunting.

He fumbled for his cell phone, plugging in the numbers to a certain person.

There was a long ring before it was answered, "Hey Nemu, I need to ask you a big favor."

"Ikkaku-san, you are not supposed to be using the cell phone for personal calls." She berated him, but at least she was talking to him.

He smiled "This ain't a personal call. I need a little help. I have a very fragile baby soul that should be absorbed back into the universe and he's just holding on. He's too weak to survive a Soul Burial and I was wondering if you could, I dunno, help him?"

"You have a premature child? I would not recommend leaving the child with our institute."

Smart girl had a point, but he knew that, "Figured as much, but what about the Relief Centre? I'd call them, but I'm kinda in their bad books at the moment." He'd glued 100 kan coins to the floors of the relief centre as a relatively harmless prank, watching people fruitlessly trying to pick them up. Unfortunately the coins had tipped over a gurney with a patient and he'd gotten into a fair amount of trouble for it.

Nemu was silent for a minute, "I'll send someone to collect him." And she hung up. Ikkaku snapped the phone shut and looked at Ichirou in his hands. He'd stopped crying, his tiny hands were shaking but it looked like he'd won his fight to stay.

"You know," Ikkaku began speaking to the baby, "a person whose name begins with 'Ichi' is destined to be strong, brave and handsome. You better live up to the name, Ichirou, or I will be very disappointed, especially since you've great so far. Heck, you might've lived if it wasn't for that stupid Hollow."

Taiko drums from the festival going on below started up and Ichirou began to cry again. A door opened up in the air behind him and a pair of 4th Division Shinigami stepped through.

"3rd Seat Madarame! We heard you needed help." One of them said. Ikkaku guessed Nemu told them that he was injured in order to get someone out quickly.

"I don't, but he does." He held Ichirou up to them. The two stopped, a little flabbergasted, "His name's Ichirou." Ikkaku handed the child to the female of the pair, "You guys know how t'deal with this."

The Shinigami bowed and disappeared through the gate to Soul Society. Below, the Sanja Matsuri carried on.

…

…

The first thing Ikkaku did once he got back to Soul Society was to march off to the Relief Centre. Of course it was something everyone did after a couple of months solo, but Ikkaku had another agenda. After treatment for a bung knee and an infected cut he went walkabout in the direction to the maternity ward, and to his surprise, he found Nemu waiting there.

"Fancy meeting you here." He grinned, looking around to see if her father was nearby. He wasn't.

"I was merely looking for subjects to recruit." She replied. Ikkaku knew that was probably also true, "Young minds are easy to train."

"So where is he?" He asked, looking through the glass to the nursery beyond. She pointed to a crib with the label 'Ichirou Madarame', "Why does he have my family name?"

"A family name was needed for the records; your name was just an afterthought." Nemu explained. Ikkaku stared at Ichirou in the crib. They must have fed him something potent; because he was looking closer to a proper baby rather than the little alien thing he was two months ago.

"So what's gonna happen to him once he gets strong enough?"

"He will be returned to Rukongai and assigned a district. Then he will be placed in a children's home until he is adopted out."

"_If_ he gets adopted out. The children's homes in Rukongai, even in the better districts, are little hell pits where children are forgotten. Ain't there anyway to ensure that he gets a proper family?" Ikkaku felt like the kid ought to have a better chance than this.

Nemu looked impassively into the nursery, "There is a Shinigami institution that looks after the children of Shinigami."

"Great! How do I get him in there?"

"Adopt him."

"_Bwah?_" Ikkaku choked.

"Or at least become his legal guardian, pay up a large sum of money and send him off to the institution. The lump sum is enough to provide for the child until he is old enough to join the academy. Originally the institution was constructed as a home for the illegitimate children of noble Shinigami."

"Right royal bastards, eh? How much are we talking about?"

"Unaffordable for someone of your status," Ikkaku was about groan when Nemu cut him off, "However, I have no need for money and I have accumulated quite a bit over the years. I am prepared to provide if you are prepared to sign."

For the second time that day Ikkaku sputtered "_Bwah?_"

"Consider this a small act of rebellion. While I know what ethics are and on the command of my father, I ignore them; I want to feel what it's like to do something right for once." She explained in that quiet, passive voice that Ikkaku sometimes felt was louder than shouting.

Ikkaku screwed up his face in thought, took a couple of deep breaths and paced from side to side, indecisive. If he had arrived three seconds later he wouldn't have needed to worry about this…wait, what the hell was he thinking? Fuck, even _Nemu_ was even prepared to help and she was often as ruthless as her father, "Oh hell, _okay_, I'll do it. Shit…you better not tell anyone, Nemu."

"Nobody shall hear it from me, and I expect the same from you, Ikkaku-san." Nemu _almost_ showed some emotion in the form of a smile. Ikkaku would have signed his name on a devil's contract to get her to properly smile.

"Agreed. I think Yumichika would have a fit if he found out I adopted a kid…aarrrrgh, what the fuck am I doing?"

"I think it is called 'being nice', Ikkaku-san." Nemu said, looking at him with a warm expression, "It's a good thing."

_Good fucking lord, _Nemu_ is telling me what I'm doing is good; this has got to be some sort of miracle_.

He turned to the subject of all this, still sleeping in his crib, "Ichirou Madarame, I'm doing you a favor, so you better fucking live up to the name."

When Ikkaku returned back to the division barracks, he greeted Yumichika with a wave, "Yumichika, anything exciting happen?"

"No, not really. You?"

"Nah, not really."

* * *

When I went to Japan, one of my favourite places was the Asakusa suburb in Tokyo. It's a very touristy area, but nontheless, I thought it was awesome. And it was where I saw a real geisha. It doesn't matter what your perception of beauty is, to see a geisha makes the breath catch in your throat and your vision sparkle. I wish I knew what her name was, because she was the only person in the world who's beauty made me teary-eyed from first sight.


	73. Note: Apologies From The Author

Dear Readers:

First of all, I would like to apologise for not having finished my 100 prompts. I did make a promise to do so at the beginning of the story, but there had been several reasons why I hadn't done so.

Number One: I had gone back to study teaching for a little while and the hours that it demanded left me not being able to have very many hours to myself or creative ventures. So the prompts were left by the wayside, forgotten.

Number Two: Bleach actually sucked for a while. I completely stopped watching the anime and I only read the chapters out of habit, thoroughly disappointed that the arcs were going nowhere and there were now characters upon characters who I didn't give a rat's ass about.

Until Chapter 520

You know what I'm talking about.

_Unohana Yachiru_.

Now, it's possible I might not revive 100 prompts, but I'm letting you know that I'm back in the fandom and I might write more stories.

Much love and apologies

Angel Uriel


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